#journal2016

[vicivefallen]

So I’m finally back home (aka, at @etave ‘s) and we’ve just finished opening our gifts together. I had to show you guys this mug! I love a good joke mug and this one is just THE BEST. You may recognise Lascelles from my icon and the text (”Everyone bloody loves coffee shop AUs!”) from this amazing comic by an unknown, wonderful artist. I’ll never be over this! 

[samanthamojica]

Undecided.

 I do not understand how there will be those times where in i try to chose my battles, yet the endpoint, I seem to look like a failure.

 I do not understand how my anger seems to show all the insecurities I have behind of me, I chose not to tell myself yet these thing come when sadness hits you when you didn’t even chose not to conquer sadness. 

 I do not understand how things can go so wrong with just a small mistake, and creates that big tornado of feelings that creates that inner god in you that you need to be the head of your own. How can thing flip so hard with that little whirl you created.

 It’s a shame that until now, I can’t decide for myself whether to stay or not —  cause you know what, whenever I hear say “I hold on to you, and I will never leave you” that’s the little hope that makes me stay. How little faith I have for myself to stand strong and choose to fight for what I believe in, but I still end up staying — still trying to accept you even if I have know you you for the longest time than anyone has.

  Why did I choose to be in this situation where I have to choose between staying, or leaving the person who has shown me how beautiful love is after all these flaws and mishaps have been faced together?

x sml.

[vicivefallen]

Today is the day I give my month notice to my landlord about moving to London *screaming* !!!

I’ve been raising money for a flat deposit this week and am pretty pleased with how I’ve done so far. I didn’t realise CEX is happy to take so many things other than DVDs and Blu-Rays! I’ve been selling on eBay too. I’ve raised £120! 

Tomorrow @cakesandsnouts and I are getting up at the crack of dawn to sell our stuff at a bootfair. I’m getting rid of a lot, which is sad, but if it’ll help me get to London I’m happy. You can never predict how you’ll do at a bootfair but I find them really fun so if I don’t make much I’ll just do another one! (The annoying thing is I had my latest injection yesterday so my arm is heavy and sore and will be for a few days and bootfairs require a lot of lifting, leaning and carrying. Left arm, you’d better fill in for me!)

I went into my basement yesterday to bring up some cardboard boxes and discovered we have a serious damp/mould problem. I had a box full of precious things down there (stuff I’ve had since childhood, photos of family I don’t have copies of, every negative and contact sheet I’ve ever made etc.) and every single item in the box was destroyed. I’m pretty heartbroken and am trying not to think about it to be honest. I’ll never, ever, store anything important in a basement again. I didn’t want to in the first place but my flatmate had his friends staying over for months last year and he just had to clear out the spare room for them UGH

Now I need to go and eat something! Bye for now :)

*sprints towards the kitchen*

[vicivefallen]

I know I rarely make journal posts anymore but I wanted to make a proper update about my health seeing as so many people on here were kind to me when I was poorly. So here it is: I’m all better now! My surgery scars have all healed up and I’m no longer taking pain relief. I’m all well as I can be and I’m so happy! 

And now that I’ve said all that...

I’m moving to London! *screams* 

On October 22nd I’m taking the plunge. I’ve always wanted to live in London but never thought I could do it. Thanks to the generosity of a dear friend I’ll be essentially couch-surfing for a while as I look for another job. @cakesandsnouts will be joining me once she’s done the same and hopefully we’ll find a houseshare as nice as the one we’re in now. For the next few weeks I’ll be decluttering (aka throwing away all the junk I accumulate!) and selling things to go toward a deposit. Apologies in advance if I post about my stuff being for sale! It’s very scary but I think it took being so unwell to prompt me into getting up and tackling scary things rather than avoiding them. 

Thank you for reading this if you did, have a lovely day!

-

Forgive me, but I’d like to tag the lovely Tumblr peeps who reached out to me and were kind to me when I was unwell so they see this post and know I’m okay. Being in pain/stuck in bed/in hospital for such a long time was horrible but having your wonderful company made it much more bearable. Thank you so so much to: @clarasteam @hefferlump @etave @nothinghamshire @pudentilla @onstraysod @pollyprouvaire @thestarstone @nevils-crest @yourlocalgirlfriday and @enchanted-oaks (I’ve probably missed people but trust me, just liking one of my posts about being poorly meant a lot to me, thank you!) 

[vicivefallen]

Thank you for the lovely well wishes and good vibes you guys sent me today ❤️ I'm home now and full of fish and chips so I can't complain ;)

[vicivefallen]

Having surgery today! Wish me luck!! 😊

[donnallycaia]

First legit post.

I was intrigued a few months ago by a YouTube video from Kalina in her quest to start the Big Talk Movement. While I don’t necessarily have a desire to speak with strangers in my day-to-day life, I’d love to have a dialog with myself, and maybe some friends and family online.

So today for my first post, I’m grabbing a card and getting this ball rolling: “What is your next great adventure?”

This year I’ve given myself the task of 4 things: Get my motorcycle certification, learn the art of burlesque, start blogging and vlogging regularly, and take more photos!

I’ve made my start of taking slightly more photos while out and about, but the lack of use of my new DSLR is really making my heart sad. So, it’s time to bust it out more whether to take more still images, or videos for YouTube. I feel it will help keep me honest in my other ventures for this year that I’ve had in mind. I’d like to create an online trail of my adventures in getting to know myself in a way I’ve never experienced, all while becoming more confident. As for the other goals, they easily go hand-in-hand with taking more pictures and videos of my world. I’ll get to track my progress, and have fun while doing it.

So, here we are. I’m putting myself out in the world this year in a new way. The adventure... will I stick to my goals? Will I let fear control my decisions? How will I handle any road blocks? The plan is to have all of that documented here to hold me accountable. I have no more excuses. Let’s do this. 

What is your next great adventure? How are you staying motivated with your goals? And are you allowing fear to keep you from living the life you want to live?

Check out www.makebigtalk.com

https://www.youtube.com/user/donnallycaia

[vicivefallen]

Since posting this in April (about the massive painful lump in my abdomen) I’ve had a pretty stressful couple of months. To cut a very long story short: I’ve had lots of tests done to see what the lump actually is and determine if it’s cancerous and it’s been a very slow process. Last week I ended up in A&E because the pain was too much and thankfully that sped things up. I was in hospital for three days basically being sedated and finally got my results!

My lump (officially labelled “massive” by the specialists hah) is a cyst basically, and is too big to remove without taking half of my ovaries with it. They’ve put me on a course of injections to trick my body into thinking it’s going through the menopause, so no more periods and apparently no more growth of the lump. Now I’m on a waiting list for two surgeries to fix everything down there and spending most of my time dosed up on strong painkillers. 

I’m very relieved to know what the problem is now, but things are still moving incredibly slowly. I apologise if I’m slow to reply to you or disappear for days without saying anything, I’ll be back to normal soon :) Thank you so so much to everyone who has been kind to me recently, listened to me whine on about being poorly or checked up on me - you’re so special <3