A year
Last February, I got to “celebrate” or “experience” how it feels to reach a year of working for a company. It actually made me miss my old job, even if i found it quite toxic, but I remember how I loved talking to people whenever I was presenting an event that was too good to be true at that moment and get to immerse and interact myself to events that I would like.
Reaching a year, it made me think if I have done my purpose for the company. Being an associate level job and getting to tag along with someone for quite a while before I got regularized with not much interactions or contact with a partner int he same department was challenging for me, most especially when it already hit me that I am going to be alone. The challenge had me at my worst fears and anxiety — will I be able to do it? I always wanted to prove and show that i can do it even on my own. Then of course suddenly, the constant search for trying to look for another job yet not being ready yet to leave because it would affect the things resume wise. It feels frustrating. I didn’t want to feel that each day I had to get up is because “i’m going to work”, it should’ve been more than that. Going to work must not just be about do your job, earn money, repeat. It should feel like i love my job, i love doing my job, and i love earning from it. And I always wonder what faith did God put me into as an adult trying to discover the this world on my existence. For the challenges I’ve experienced, what did God see in me that. After all that has been done now, some of it received its recognition and appreciation while some of it maybe is just okay. Nonetheless, it would always feel like, you got the job right, (Self) and you should be proud of that.
I have so many dreams and aspirations for myself and for my family most especially. and I never want to let go of the dream job even if it meant that currently, we are not financially ready for it. And I hate it that I am silently crying about this reality check and getting to compare myself with others. But I gotta say, I am grateful for my family especially my parents. They have been my utmost support and role model throughout the years. The fact that they never miss checking on me and having to spend time with them is more than enough for me. There’s nothing much more to say to them but thank you and I love you. I don’t get why I get so emotional whenever I get to remember you but maybe its because the attachment is just there even if I become independent soon and have my own family. I want to spend so much ore time with you all, and I don’t think the weekends or a day or two of vacation will ever be worth it.
What is it to look forward to know?
Now as I am writing this, I have been trying to apply for another job. But I gotta say, I am not entirely confident yet to leave my current job right now but I want to do it. I don’t know when the right time is and all I can think of is if not now when?Â
Yeah, I think in one way or another, I have done my purpose for the company and I must be proud of myself for getting through it alone for several months. Like the Filipino traits: Matatag at Malakas ang Loob, has been my constnt mantra, I believe I did that shit and I must tap myself at the shoulder for that.
To the present time right now, I hope everything will fall back into place. Then again, thank you for family and my parents for being my inspiration through getting through life. Plus, I will forever thank Rj. I’ve known this man for 8 years now and I will forever be grateful that even we have our own ups and downs in our relationship, the fact that we support each other’s journey as adults, and support/uplift each other’s strengths and weaknesses made me value our relationship. Thank you for being my constant through my ties of breaking down and over thinking.Â
And I think that’s about it. I have been emotional writing this down since I’ve been keeping a lot of thoughts in mind and I can’t believe I’m actually writing down some thoughts and feelings that are quite sensitive. But what you gotta do, I mean you need some outlet to let it all go.
Thanking myself for taking the time to actually write this down, maybe next time I would need some guide questions for self reflection so thoughts won’t get scattered lmao.
I hope 2020 would be a year for me to see myself on a better picture this time where I would be genuinely happy. As my mom always says, just keep on trying.
I love you, everyone that has been dear to me. You all know who you are even if this is not something that I will send and make you read voluntarily. x
