#journeyling

[pelajarkehidupan]

.. Tapi ini tentang bagaimana kita hidup

Finally, i can back to write in this platform again, alhamdulillah.

Judul journey healing hari ini adalah terinspirasi dari video motivasi yang di rekomendasikan oleh Kak Aida Azlin di channel youtubenya yang berjudul "Find Your Broom".

She was inspired by that video of someone's speech which i also think it's awesome. But from all of that speech, the most i remembered about is the one i choose to be the title of this writing.

Sekian puluh tahun hidup, sekian belasan tahun maybe, sudah banyak ilmu yang masuk, pelajaran yang masuk, either it's about life or just a lesson from experiences. Tapi hal yang substansial, yang jadi indikator untuk menentukan akhir hidup saya seperti apa, justru jarang terpikirkan.

Bahkan hal yang buat saya penasaran banyaknya masih hal yang sungguh receh. Masih mencari kebahagiaan lewat tawa. Padahal bahagia letaknya di jiwa. Kalau sudah selesai acara tawa itu lantas apakah akan menetap selamanya? Saya sudah tau jelas jawabannya apa.

Maka pertanyaan "Bagaimana kita hidup di dunia ini" bisa jadi landasan dalam kita melakukan tindakan. Kita hidup di dunia gak mungkin gak diberi petunjuk. Kita lahir di dunia pasti punya peran masing-masing yang Tuhan, Sang Maha Mengetahui, beri.

Semua letak itu ada pada pilihan masing-masing manusia. Ingin acuh atau justru bergerak meski peluh agar bisa menjalankan peran sebagaimana yang Tuhan inginkan. Semoga kita, Allah kuatkan.

Teruntuk saya, coba renungkan kembali. Sudah sebagaimana hidupmu hingga saat ini?

[pelajarkehidupan]

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit"

- Aristotle

[pelajarkehidupan]

Jangan Sombong...

Second day of healing journey, ALHAMDULILLAH:""""")

The task that i've been procrastinated finally done eventhough it's still imperfect ofc. But again, Allah SWT ALWAYS helppp mee in time!

Then i just throwback..............

Alhamdulillah.. With Allah's permission, i start the day of dzikr dan tilawah even it's only 2 pages. Alhamdulillah

Then, i just remember about some wise quotes from a scholar. If we fulfilling the rights of Allah, then Allah will smooth your every things. And i see that, how He ease every moment.

Anddddd how i miss shaum sunnah so muchh, after i've struggle about my maagh, today, alhamdulillah the stomachache didn't come to me.

Once again, Alhamdulillahirabbil'alamin

Remind me again, this happened not because of myself, but because of Allah's permission. So.. don't cocky myself.

[pelajarkehidupan]

The journey of healing

Tiap manusia punya tujuan masing-masing dari keinginan masing-masing. Ada yang ingin bekerja agar bisa membantu orang tuanya. Ada juga yang ingin bekerja agar bisa mandiri secara finansial dengan keadaan kedua orang tuanya mampu. Atau ada juga yang ingin bekerja karena ia adalah satu-satunya tulang punggung keluarga.

Maka disini, ada satu tujuan yang akhir-akhir ini sering terbesit dalam benak. Tujuan itu akan saya laksanakan in syaa Allah ketika saya tahu bahwa saya sudah selesai dengan diri saya sendiri.

Dengan memiliki tumblr ini, saya ingin diri saya menjadi saksi, bahwa yang namanya ingin selesai dengan diri sendiri pasti gak mudah. Namun, saya ingin percaya bahwa ada Yang Maha Menghargai tiap-tiap proses sekecil apapun itu yang saya lewati.

Sebenarnya hari pertama dimulai kemarin. First day of healing is to attending a talkshow of healing from someone aboout a broken heart. Dan dilalahnya saya udah termasuk yang tercepat mendapatkan tiketnya namun saya terlambat untuk masuk ke zoomnya.

Bad mood luar biasa. Seolah memberontak dengan tidak ingin melakukan apa-apa termasuk tanggung jawab yang harus diselesaikan. Sampai akhirnya, saya buka kitab yang bersampul merah. Dan menyadari gak seharusnya saya begitu.

Dan alhamdulillah, Allah pertemukan saya dengan waktu mustajabNya.

[journeyling]

today was a self realization day. as always, being alone and having nothing to do (not being busy) really makes my brain way too bored. it races maybe a little too much.

anyway, it was super early in the morning, i had just woken up and no one was home so i was trying to get some personal time in. of course though, i couldn't really get in the mood because i was thinking about some things that my ex said, about how it was weird that i don't think about anyone when i'm mbating. i don't even have a fantasy, i just concentrate on the feeling. which i thought was totally normal, but apparently it is not? nothing that ever happens to me is fucking normal but whatever (by the way, i'm now legally blind in my right eye, thank you brain and the dmv). so i googled asking if it was weird that i don't think of anyone when i'm mbating, and what do you know, all of the results are asexuality sites. which, alright, fantastic. must be coincidental. i did some more research, took some online tests, just looked at the stories of some people... it was honestly incredible, all the things that these individuals on self help sites and message boards said. i related to so many of the articles and posts, it felt as if someone had sat down and started describing me. i came to the realization that i harbor basically no sexual attraction to anyone, i'm attracted to the expectancy of the feelings i get from sexual encounters. whenever i try to fantasize, i get turned off so fast from thinking about the logistics and processes too deeply, and forget it if i try to concentrate on one feeling like all the self-help sexy time websites tell you. it does make so much sense, i'm just so annoyed. 

i've spent over two years so positive that i was a lesbian because i've never been physically attracted to men, but i was only physically attracted to women after i had experiences with them. i was running on memories of the feelings from sexual encounters. the almost-encounters i've had with men have been uncomfortable and concerning and so not consensual that there is no possible way to be turned on from the memories of those events. so it's possible that i'm bisexual, which is a notion that i haven't thought of, even for a moment, in years. 

honestly, i could have dated will, i was so intellectually attracted to him, but so confused because i was not physically. which shouldn't be a surprise, because i have never been sexually attracted to anyone in all honesty, including andrea and olivia and ariana. i understood that they were aesthetically pleasing, and i liked their minds, so i tried dating them. unfortunately, it just would not work, plus i was unjustifiably miserable because i felt that there was no chemistry, and felt so horrible and guilty because there wasn't on my end, but they said that they felt it on theirs. i've always imagined what chemistry could feel like. is it possible that i will never feel that way, feel a sort of rightness with someone? legitimately always wishing and never wanting...

i would be fine with this, except- no, actually, i wouldn't be fine with this. i'm not fine with this. this makes life so much fucking harder. just one more stupid stupid quirk in a whole line of traits that make failure in life unavoidable. i always thought that asexuality was a fucking joke, it sounds so dumb, the kind of logic reserved for hoity toity tumblr feminists. and if it was real, i really pitied those kinds of people, more than being gay, etc. i don't want this. it's fucking unfair. i never believed it, always doubted it, so why should anyone else? 

where the hell is my practically nonexistent dating life going to go now.

(probably not going to change. keep making out with intellectuals that i'm not at all attracted to, but if i wasn't fucked up, would be attracted to??????)

the worst part of this though, is that i don't know who to tell about this. no one to talk to, to confide in. i'm so goddamn lonely. 

but who wants to hear about that? i'll safe it for another stupid as fuck self-indulgent text post.

[journeyling]

happiness is so fucked up and so fleeting it's not at all tangible i hate the whole god damn term how can you fucking i just 'i need happiness' no you don't you don't it doesn't work like that i wish it did i wish i could fix you but i'm told i need to fix myself first fUCK THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT THIS IS ALL FUCKING BULLSHIT

[journeyling]

at first she watched the skeletons of rocks so intensely  that no one was shocked when her hopes were dashed upon them she found she hated every word that slips between partially divided lips most were lies anyway, cast in the vain search for love not as if she believed that her truth and desire were around the corner but it was nice to believe for a while  that hiding an ugly heart would reveal a patient mind sometimes though, she gets so stuck,  so caught up in the inane mirage of being insane a spoon of razor sharp edges and two tons of raw charcoal  were crucial to get rid of the feelings she'd no longer need her funds were sent by way of broken pleas in somewhat dusks and  pale hands with veins so lust swollen that if pressed to a block of clay,  the imprint would surely stay frozen

[journeyling]

one thousand and one percent of the time

i'm tapped out of rhythm and straining to rhyme 

i make up impossible stories and wish they were mine 

and since they aren't, sometimes, i think i'd rather die 

than live in a world where second class citizens are people who

are more connected to their emotions than me and you

who can't love who they love and instead have to lie

to get a good job or a role in society

we act like being who you are is actually a crime, you see,

you must be the norm for your family to be proud

there isn't a place here for people who're loud

you've got to jump on the bandwagon and be part of the crowd

there are no OPINIONS if you're not rich, male or white

called bossy or cruel when you have a bit of a bite

it's wrong apologizing for our daughters when on the playground they rule

beg pardon for her inherited superior leadership tool

because we may not realize that this is a good thing,

we've become ignorant of stereotypes, they've been *ingrained* into our *brains*

and the sad part is, no matter how much time passes,

they are almost sure to remain, 

for our sakes and our childrens', society *needs* to CHANGE.