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Beautiful Mess (1/4)

Pairing: Jace/Alec

Rating: E (eventually, this particular chapter is T)

Summary: After Jace is set free from his dark parabatai-like bond with Jonathan Morgenstern, he has a hard time dealing with the aftermath. It's clear to him what he wants, but is he worthy of it?

Notes: Merry Chritmas and Happy Holidays! This is my contribution to the Jalec Secret Santa, and it is for @myltzi !! I tried weaving in all your prompts, which totally fit my preferences too, so it was a pleasure doing them and I really really hope you like the result! :D The fic has in total three chapters plus an epilogue, and i’ll be posting them once a day; more information on ao3.

Act I: Reborn

When the world shakes us Trying to take us out of line

Being reborn happened in the form of a sword to the heart.

Jace didn’t remember much, only that his consciousness, after a literal flame had burned him from the inside out in an excruciatingly painful manner, had suddenly cleared – no more clouds warping his mind into thinking that the bond he had believed to be good and pure was instead bad and twisted. And he could see the battle raging all around him for what it was, with him on the side of…evil. Clary stood in front of him, a burning, glorious sword in hand, and he had no more energy to keep himself upright.

But something stopped his fall. Jace felt someone catching him from behind, slowly easing him onto the ground. And he didn’t need to see to know who it was, because he could feel him. In those first few moments of new life – because it truly felt like just then he was coming back to life, and not when the angel Raziel had risen him from the dead many weeks earlier – everything that had been unreachable to him before was back.

Alec. The real bond that he had chosen for himself. The right soul tied to his, no longer hidden under layers upon layers of dark magic.

Alec was hugging him to his chest, holding on with his chin laid on Jace’s head, his body shaking so imperceptibly that Jace doubted anyone else could notice it…and Jace couldn’t help but reach for Alec’s hands almost desperately, squeezing as hard as his own battered body would let him.

Curse the day someone had drove a wedge between them, making Jace forget everything that Alec meant to him. Curse that demon not even to hell, but to a place of complete non-existence!

That demon, however, had already escaped; the battle was over, and people had started to come closer to the parabatai pair, surrounding them with looks varying from pitiful to happy.

Clary, most of all, was still there, the sword having vanished from her hands, and she was silently crying with a smile on her face. For some reason, Jace felt sick just looking at her; thinking, remembering all that time, during his...swaying, when he had been with her as that same wrong person. This was all wrong, and Jace couldn’t do more than merely nod at her, hoping that it’d be enough to convey his gratitude…before he finally closed his eyes to better bury himself into his parabatai’s embrace.

Fear of tomorrow Feelings we borrow for a time

After weeks (and weeks), they had finally tracked down Jonathan Morgenstern and his army, managing to engage them in a battle…and Alec knew that he should’ve been focused on defeating that despicable evil creature who had taken away his parabatai from him, but all he cared about was that he was closer than he’d been to Jace ever since he had confronted him in a dark alley; when he had found out that Jace was still himself under the compulsion that had drove him towards Jonathan’s side.

(When he thought back to how Jace’s cutting words and violent threats had still not made him able to kill or even just harm his own parabatai, Alec was still torn about whether to cry or to smile.)

A scream was stuck in Alec’s throat anyway, as he predicted Clary’s move before it actually happened. DON’T DO IT, he wanted to yell at her…but if he didn’t believe in his parabatai’s inherent goodness, then why was he even there?

They had figured out a way to save Jace: the sword named Glorious, granted to them by the angel Raziel, had the power to burn away the evil from the inside. And if there was enough good left in the person it was used against – Jace, in this case – he’d be able to live as himself again, free from any demonic influence.

As the sword was pulled out of Jace’s body and Jace screamed, starting to fall, Alec caught him before he could even think about it…and the fact that Jace was clearly alive and warm in his arms made Alec ashamed of doubting him even for one second - of course, there would always be more than enough good left in Jace.

And, right then, the surge of life that, like the most welcomed of floods, sparked back into the parabatai bond – that had been dreadfully silent the entire time of Jace’s...departure – was another incontrovertible proof that Jace was back.

But, as he held onto Jace unable to stifle the tremor in his body, Alec couldn’t feel the relief; he felt only tired, that they kept losing each other, or almost dying, or that the bond kept being weakened or twisted in the first place…

Closing his eyes, Alec pressed a lingering kiss on Jace’s forehead, and he couldn’t care less what the people surrounding them, or Jace himself, would think. He would not repress his emotions any longer, or pretend that he could ever want to be anywhere else but at Jace’s side. He’d had enough.

And hell would rain on whoever took Jace away from him again.

Water so deep, how do we breathe? How do we climb?

When he woke up again, Jace found himself on a bed in the Institute infirmary.

Immediately, he wished he was anywhere but there, because he could already feel that if he saw anyone, he would crumble in on himself. After everything he had done, not only recently, but all his life…how could they bring him here?

And seeing Alec asleep on a chair next to his bed didn’t help at all; Jace felt his throat close, hot tears starting to fall from his face before he could even blink once.

“You’re awake.”

The whisper made him jump while Alec didn’t even stir, and only then did Jace realize that Izzy was on his other side. As soon as he did, he shot a hand up to his face to try and cover the evidence.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Jace could hear the tears in Izzy’s voice as well. A moment later, he felt a hand covering the one he had kept on the bed, and he had to stop himself from snatching it away. “You’re home now. It’ll be okay.”

Oh, how wrong she was…but he didn’t have it in him to tell her.

A few minutes passed before he could breathe regularly again, and he removed his hand to finally look at Izzy. She smiled wobbly at him. He couldn’t move a muscle.

“How – how can you even look at me?” he croaked.

Her expression was set as she answered him, “That wasn’t you.”

“It was me. I remember everything, I-”

“That wasn’t you.”

The deep, groggy voice startled both of them, and they turned around to watch Alec rub his eyes, never having looked more tired than he did right then. Still, he didn’t waver as he spoke next, “I would know, believe me.”

Even if he had been addressing both, Alec was looking at Jace alone. And Jace knew that Alec was thinking of the last time they had seen each other, when Jace had had a sword at Alec’s neck…when he had told Alec he would never love him back…when he hadn’t killed Alec, yes, but he had wanted to…

So, even if Alec might have interpreted that non-killing as the ‘real’ Jace shining through, and even if what Alec had said to him - that he would always…love him - might still stand true, that didn’t change the reality of the situation: that Jace could never go back. It had been too much, he had crossed too many a line that a parabatai should never cross. He had repudiated Alec, in favor of another soul-bond with a demon!

It didn’t matter that he hadn’t been the one responsible for it…what was done was done, and Jace had to start now with pushing Alec as far away from him as possible. He had to make it up to him.

Jace opened his mouth – to say what, he still wasn’t sure, but he had to try – but he suddenly remembered that Izzy was still there. She seemed to take the clue, however, because she got up.

“Sleep well, Jace. See you tomorrow,” she bid them goodbye, before leaving the room, her shoulders hunched.

This was another example of how much he was hurting the Lightwoods. All of them.

No more.

Yet, Alec preceded his next words, rather harshly, “I don’t want to hear it.” Jace’s mouth closed shut against his will. “Whatever it is, save it,” Alec continued in the same tone, “I’m not going to listen to any bullshit coming from you right now, Jace. This is you, and you’re finally home, and I – all of us love you. I know it will take time to find a new…balance, but I’m not going anywhere, and you’re not going anywhere, or if you are I will hunt you down, you understand me?”

Jace still couldn’t speak, and Alec took that time to drag his chair closer to the bed, and grab Jace’s hand with both of his. It wasn’t a hard hold, Jace could’ve freed himself from it…but he was suddenly too tired to move.

“You’re back,” Alec said, his voice audibly shaken up - Jace didn’t know what had brought along such openness in Alec, and he didn’t know whether to love it or to run at full speed away from it. “And even if you’re not up to share your soul with someone else anymore, after what was done to you…just, let me be there for you, with you, in any way you want. I don’t ask for anything else.”

Love…love is not there in the hopes of being loved back. It just is, for no reason, with no condition, nothing to be gained. And you ask if I still love you? When I’m dead, and my soul has risen to the heavens…even then I will love you, Jace Herondale.

Alec’s words, uttered in a moment of absolute hopelessness and yet so full of hope, had haunted Jace’s other self, too. Now, they were sharper than a knife constantly twisting in Jace’s heart.

“I - I’m so sorry, Alec, I-” I’ll always want to share a soul with you, it’s you who shouldn’t have or want to.

“Shh, don’t talk now. Just rest,” Alec whispered kindly, lovingly.

And the Jace I know…Jace loved more intensely, more deeply than everybody else. He did everything for love, he gave his own life, even when he thought it was making him weak. You might think it now, too...but there has never been more strength in a person than when Jace loved. And I know you’re still that person, Jace.

Jace didn’t know how to tell Alec that he was wrong; it wasn’t like that, he could never be the person Alec saw him as. He was nothing but the shell of a broken person…and the people he loved the most only cut themselves on all his edges.

“I…could I be alone for a while?” Jace merely said. He had to regain his bearings first, and then he could figure out how to proceed. Alec, however, raised an eyebrow at him. “I won’t – I won’t go anywhere, I swear. I just need a moment.”

Alec reluctantly nodded. “Okay. I’ll stay outside. Call me if you need anything.”

He’d stay outside.

When the truth was…Jace could never start to deserve the pureness of Alec’s love for him.

We’re in over our heads But somehow we make it back again

Alec sighed, falling on a chair outside the Infirmary.

It was not as if he had been expecting anything different, and at least the fact that Jace wasn’t going to run was a start; still, he had never felt heavier in his life.

Since he could feel that Jace hadn’t lied about getting away, however, Alec thought he could at least afford to get up and walk a few feet to sit down next to Clary instead.

She looked smaller than usual, if possible, all curled up on her seat. A rather strange sight, considering that during the battle, or the last time he had seen her before that, she had looked larger than life. Alec couldn’t help but feel a pang of sympathy, then, upon realizing that she was merely confined, like he was, in the space Jace had put in between them.

Alec had already made peace with the fact that she and him would always share that one fact: they both loved the person on the other side of the wall far too much.

“You were brave...to do that,” he told her honestly. “I wouldn’t have been able to.”

Alec might’ve wanted to – and did - punch Jace in the face a few times in his life, but he could never bury a sword into his chest, if it could mean killing him.

Did that mean Clary had more faith in Jace than he did?

No, he could never allow that to be true. Causing harm to Jace was simply everything that their bond stood against. Killing himself would be easier than even coming close to killing Jace.

Alec sighed again.

“I lost him,” Clary suddenly said, in a small voice just as unlike her.

Alec frowned. “What do you mean? He’s here. He’ll be fine, eventually. You saved him, and he loves you.”

“No, I didn’t. And he doesn’t.”

Alec didn’t understand what had gotten into Clary, so he frowned harder, turning his head towards her. “Hey, don’t say that. You went willingly into Jonathan’s clutches to be able to bring him back. Jace’s in that room right now because of everything you did for him.”

Only his reluctant drive to absolute honesty could bring Alec to admit that, because it pained him immensely to just think about it.

During those wretched weeks when Jace had been lost, Alec couldn’t have wanted more than to just drop everything and run after him; but he’d had an Institute to run, a war to win, a family to secure. Clary, instead, had been free as a bird, and Alec didn’t know if it was her recklessness that had rubbed off on him, or if he had simply realized that, all in all, Clary’s plans – infuriatingly – always seemed to work in her favor…but she had seemed Jace’s only chance. That was why he had chosen to send her on the insane mission to join Jonathan and Jace, after prohibiting her from doing so in front of the entire Institute…

To this day, people still didn’t know that Alec was the one responsible for her escape from the confinement of the room he had put her in.

****

Alec walked through the silent corridors pretending to be checking on the guards stationed there. Secretly, he was on a mission.

When he reached Clary’s room at the precise moment of the change of guard, Alec’s mind had already been made up for hours.

He took out his stele from the inside of his pocket and opened the door in a swift move.

Clary jumped from her bed at hearing someone enter, but Alec put a finger on his lips to signal her to be quiet. She looked at him perplexed, but a small flame of hope could already be seen in her eyes.

It only became bigger as Alec took something else from his pocket. Her stele.

He handed it to her.

“Bring him back.”

He watched her enter a portal with what could only be called hope burning up in him.

****

Clary looked Alec in the eyes then, the fire completely spent in hers. “I wasn’t able to bring him back. I wasn’t. Whenever he was with me, he fell further and further into the persona Lilith had created for him. But after - it was you, wasn’t it? He saw you, and I know he did, because he came back from a mission one night completely distraught…and ever since then he looked at Jonathan differently, he started questioning things, he was able to break free from the compulsion more and more! One time, he managed to talk to me as himself, even though he could barely look at me…and he begged me to kill him, Alec, and to tell you that he was sorry.”

Alec realized his mouth was hanging open, and he closed it. Both his head and heart hurt as he took in her words. “He – he begged you…and what are you even saying, Clary? He’s my parabatai, we share a connection similar to what he had with Jonathan, it makes sense that he would get drawn out of that by me. It doesn’t mean he - he loves you any less or whatever it is that you are implying.”

Clary’s smile was more of a grimace. “In any other case I would believe that, too, but I know what I felt. I can tell that something’s changed in him, and that I’m not someone he wants to be near to anymore.”

“Well, that makes two of us.” Alec gestured to where they were, and where Jace was. “Just give him time, okay?”

Clary got up. “Only if you do that too.”

Alec pretended not to understand her, and simply bid her goodnight when she did.

Her words lingered in the air all around him even after she had left.

It was not as if Alec didn’t understand what she had tried to get at, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t believe that she was completely out of track.

Knowing that his desperate stunt to go after Jace against every logic had somehow helped, felt good, yes. Back then, he had needed to just see him, only once, to make sure that something of his Jace was still in this world…not wanting to live in it any longer if there wasn’t, and what better way to go than by his parabatai’s own hands?

Instead, the mark he had left on Jace a lifetime ago had still meant something; that Jace was tied to Alec in ways he wasn’t with anybody else, dark magic or not, and only him could draw Jace back from the darkest of places. It felt better than good, actually, because that was the whole point Alec had ever entered the bond with Jace in the first place…

Still, Clary was wrong. Alec knew Jace loved him, deeply, as all of this had clearly shown…but Alec had passed the time when he hoped Jace would feel something that he simply didn’t.

Clary had Jace like that, and Alec was okay with it. Because what all that had happened had also showed, was that Alec had Jace on a whole other level, that would always matter – to him, and to Jace, maybe? – the most.

Soon, Jace would come out of the dark pit he had fallen into. They’d defeat Jonathan once and for all, and they’d all go back to a normal, peaceful way of life. Together.

Alec knew he couldn’t pretend he could go back to Magnus after ghosting him once again during the stress of war…and apprehension for Jace…but he could live with that. They’d all be fine.

When the colors turn grey and the lights all fade To black again

Jace couldn’t bear to be laying down on the bed any longer. He got up, starting to pace the room while he ignored the uncomfortable heat of his body. He had a fever now, great, exactly another thing he didn’t need.

A plan of action. That was what he needed.

Think, Wa-Herondale, think!

He couldn’t leave for now, that was sure, at least not until Alec lowered his guard a little bit. But he’d have to go, eventually, and hunt down Jonathan. He’d kill him, for real this time, and he’d make sure that bastard wouldn’t be able to come back ever again. And then…he’ll figure out a new plan.

In the meantime, Jace calculated it’d take one week before Alec would close both eyes while sleeping. Hopefully.

In that one week, Jace would pretend to be feeling better and better. He’d share with Alec a few things, if asked, to not arouse suspicions. And then, he’d be able to sneak out under Alec’s radar…

Was that his plan? Pretending everything was fine wouldn’t drive Alec away…not even almost killing him had done that. No, his plan was to make his eventual departure as much of a betrayal as possible. He’d be himself, so Alec couldn’t possibly put it on any demonic influence. If he broke his trust hard enough, Alec had to realize that Jace was bad for him. Jace had already almost achieved that, without meaning to, back when Clary had first entered their lives…he’d just have to do it again, on purpose this time.

He’d do it.

As soon as his resolve strengthened, however, he was rewarded with a sharp pain flaring up in him.

No, not again!

Yet, this felt different from those spasms that had gripped him constantly after he had come back to life. If those had sucked out all his strength, his life-force, his sanity…now, Jace felt like he’d be able to take down a greater demon alone, bare-handed.

He looked down at himself, and, if he wasn’t exactly glowing, his skin appeared to be glistening. His hands were curled up in fists, and he wanted nothing more but to rain them down on something, Jonathan preferably; and the fact that he wasn’t doing so only caused the heat in his body to rise and rise…until he couldn’t hold in a scream any longer.

A second later, he could’ve kicked himself, when, inevitably, the door to the Infirmary opened and Alec entered hot on the heels of Brother Enoch.

Jace realized he was on his knees only when the latter crouched down next to him. But, as soon as he touched him, Brother Enoch snatched his hand away with a hiss. Jace was only vaguely aware of that, just as he took notice only on the side of the fact that the Silent Brother quickly signaled Alec of the danger. At that point, Jace could no longer pretend he wasn’t about to combust internally.

He laid down on the floor, curling up into a ball to try and contain himself. A ringing sound was pressing into his ears before he lost consciousness.

The Heavenly Fire is inside you now, Brother Enoch told him when he woke up again, running in your system, and it will flare up anytime you have a burst of adrenaline. We of the Brotherhood we’ll try to figure out the best way to free you of it; in the meantime, I advise you to rest and exercise regularly, to see if your body will get used to the fire or not. Don’t be alone when you do that, and be sure to warn the people of the dangers of your skin.

Heavenly Fire. Jace knew others would see it as a sign that he was blessed; after all, the fire hadn’t killed him, which meant there was good in him, and now the fire of heaven literally flowed in his veins. Jace did see it as a blessing, yes…but in the way that it now meant that people had to steer clear of him, if they didn’t want to get burned.

The fire was but the mere physical manifestation of what Jace knew of himself: he projected pain all around him.

Either way, Jace chose to do what Brother Enoch had told him; it was simply easier that way. As soon as he was allowed back into his room, he stayed there all the time unless he was training. He exercised in bursts, to not cause his body to overheat again, but now that he knew about it, he seemed at least able to control it better than before. He didn’t collapse again, for one; being able to challenge the rush of power in an effective way apparently made all the difference. And, in those moments, he felt more alive than he did any other time.

It was a good excuse, too, to avoid people. Jace would train, then he could simply say he was too exhausted to socialize or reconnect with the family he had in the Institute.

The Lightwoods had come to see him when he was still in the Infirmary. Maryse had smiled and hugged him, warmer than usual over her joy for his return; Robert had clapped him on the back with comforting words of ‘everything will get better’; Max had excitedly recounted the happenings of his training with a big smile on his face. Jace had smiled the entire time, too…a smile that had fallen as soon as they had left.

Alec and Izzy had been there as well, and Jace wasn’t deluded that they couldn’t read past his façade. Still, he never let them corner him into talking for more than was necessary. If they were with him during training, he exhausted them and himself so much – they did need all the preparation to bring this war to an end once and for all - that in the end they could only go back to bed. And since he had made clear he needed the time and space, they kept their distance. Jace couldn’t help but constantly battle with himself over both his regret and relief at how isolated that made him.

And it was not as if he couldn’t tell that Alec was brooding, as his parabatai watched him silently and from afar. Jace felt in his very soul that Alec was longing desperately to regain a closeness with him, and that he was worried, especially after the new revelation about the fire in his veins…but Jace’s plan hadn’t changed. He still needed to find that opening, which, no matter Alec’s consideration for his need of space, wasn’t a small feat. Waking up earlier than usual one day, Jace had caught Alec sleeping on a chair outside of his room, by the Angel. A sight that had felt like an ice-cold shower, at the same time that something inside of him grew warmer. Right then, Jace would’ve wanted either to throw himself at Alec…or to shake him awake to tell him to run as far away from him as possible.

Clary had been the easier to avoid, as she appeared as reluctant to confront him as he was.

That was why he would’ve never expected her to approach him in the courtyard while he was practicing his flips...Izzy had been there with him, but now Jace realized that she wasn’t, the traitor probably having left the both of them to have a moment alone.

Clary didn’t even give him the time to regain his bearings, before she greeted him in a cheerful tone that Jace knew was fake, “Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied, fidgeting with his hands.

She cut straight to the chase. “Please, just tell me if you really don’t feel for me anymore, or if I’m only imagining things. I need to know.”

Jace looked down at his own feet, suddenly unable to speak another word…but he’d have to, if he didn’t want to let time go to waste for all eternity, immobilizing them both in a crippling impasse. Plus, he owed her at least that.

“Clary, I – I really wish you weren’t imagining things,” he finally forced himself to say.

And when he finally glanced at her, Jace didn’t know which one of them wanted to cry the most. He was used to swallowing down the lump in his throat, so he was grateful that Clary did that, too, merely nodding at him while biting her lip…or he couldn’t have continued.

“I just…I thought you were everything I wanted.” If only that one sentence could’ve been enough to put an end to it all. “Even before the compulsion, I – it’s just that I’m starting to think that the blood, the Angel blood we bought share, might’ve drawn us towards each other, you know? Because, when it came to the real thing, I didn’t feel what I thought I would have, and…and I really wish I could give you a better explanation, but I – I don’t know what else to say. I just know that I-” I’d be sick if I ever touched you again. You’re the most confusing mistake I’ve ever made, because I was so sure, yet I’ve never been more wrong.

He couldn’t bring himself to utter either of those sentences.

Clary must’ve understood anyway, because she nodded again, more vigorously this time, as if she couldn’t manage to do anything else. “Is it just…was it something I did?”

“No, no, of course not. You were…great, I – thank you for everything you did for me. Honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.” He paused. (He projected pain all around him.) “I’m so sorry, Clary.”

A few tears finally left Clary’s eyes. “Is it Alec?”

Jace had to do a double take at that; thinking too hard about Alec was the last thing he wanted to do. “What about him?”

“Do you love him?” she asked more firmly, her gaze fixed on him.

Jace opened his mouth, almost about to laugh, “Ehm, of course? He’s my parabatai. What are you on about?” Even though he had said that casually, his heart started jumping inexplicably inside his chest, and he had to cross his arms, frowning.

Clary, even more inexplicably, rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I heard that already, you two, I swear…I mean, are you in love with him?”

This time, Jace’s mouth started hanging open on its own, and for a good while, before he finally noticed it. He cleared his throat, now that his heart was practically stuck there. “Why – why do you say that?” Jace swiftly looked around at the thankfully empty courtyard. “Do you know that it’s against the Law even mentioning something like that?”

“I’m aware of that, thank you. But I just need to...listen, hypothetically, without any Law or what not, would you want to be with-”

“I don’t understand why you’re asking me this, Clary!” Jace burst out, preventing those words from ever being uttered. “What do you get out of it?!”

“I need to understand what’s going on!” Clary shouted back. “I want to know why I’m losing you, because I’m tired of being blind! Yes, Alec’s your parabatai, but I had already noticed when I first met you that it means to both of you more than you believe, so I at least want to see it get somewhere! Or none of this pain has any point. Jace, I don’t want to see you beat around the bush forever about what you want from your life. I was the one there when you broke free from the compulsion after remembering Alec, when you asked me to kill you, or did you forget that?! And now, I see you going around like a ghost, distancing yourself from the people you love, and I can’t – I can’t stand it. I still love you, no matter what, and I just want to see you happy, you get that?”

For the third time, Jace was left with his mouth gaping open, a reply completely out of reach. When it was clear that he wasn’t going to break the silence, Clary took a step forward to better face him.

“Don’t close yourself off from living, or loving, because of everything that was done to you,” she urged him, now bordering on desperate. “Alec, he loves-”

“Alec deserves much better than anything I could ever offer him!”

Jace’s skin was blazing worse than the first time, as he took a step back, just about ready to bolt away, or explode.

“I don’t think he’d agree with you! If you just stopped for a moment to look at what’s really happening, you’d see how much he’s desperately trying to reach y-”

“Because I need you not to be blind, don’t I?! Why – why can’t you just stay away from things you know nothing about, Fray, for once in your life!”

At that, he really did storm off, albeit not before being compelled by the fire in his veins to punch a hole in the wall.

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