finally caught the winter flu everyone’s been passing around and as a result, today is probably the least productive i’ve ever been all holiday. i made plans with my high school friends who i haven’t seen in two years just a week before, to grab dinner with them somewhere in town. based on the luck i’ve had this whole year, developing a fever literally on the night of the reunion no longer surprised me. i figured a little social interaction was what i needed- that is, assuming they didn’t mind my coughing fits every 5 seconds- so i didn’t cancel, because as hard as it is for me to admit, i’ve been in relatively shittier states.
wasn’t that long ago when i was on a self-loathing grind, feeling ok physically yet acting ill, unable to get up, refusing to eat, and then bawling my eyes out in bed, usually for 4 hours straight. kudos to my dear egotistical self, i didn’t let anyone know what i was going through, which put me in an even worse place mentally. while i had no problem being straight up about anyone, i couldn’t be honest about myself, almost like the concept of Opening Up didn’t exist to me. the farthest i’d go is hint that i wasn’t doing too well, but i’d do this in such a joking manner that no one would ever take it seriously. saying it directly was, needless to say, extremely difficult. i knew that if i did, it would mean i was also admitting to myself that i was depressed. (typing that even made me cringe, definitely not something anyone proudly broadcasts.) waiting for someone to approach me and ask sounded like the better option, so when the question was never brought up, it fucked me over more, as i began to doubt if anyone genuinely cared.
it wasn’t until i woke up one morning feeling numb, somehow with an urge to get up, when i realised how much it actually pained my ego to constantly be in a bedridden, vulnerable state. felt disgustingly weak, and instead of being sad about it, i wanted to do something about it. funnily enough, on the same day, i found myself telling 2 of my friends, and i didn’t cry anymore. i kept myself busy. even after the semester ended, i would shoot, edit, research, produce short eye-candy sequences, put together a showreel, and a portfolio website to which my classmates groan at me like, “why couldn’t you just waste time playing games like the rest of us?” on top of this, i even managed to get back into this blog, as well as actively promote my work on social media. healing won’t be linear, and there’s no doubt the feelings will come back every now and then, but i guess what matters is i’m learning how to put them behind me when they do. it’s a wake up call: there are people, namely those with trust issues and big egos like myself who want to look their best 24/7, that find it especially difficult to reach out even to their closest friends, and while you have no control over that, genuine compliments, appreciation, a simple “stay strong,” “you got this,” remark, they make all the difference. make them realise sooner that they are their own salvation.
how i am with the flu today is nowhere near as dreadful as any of that, i think is all i’m trying to say here 😂 for every coughing fit i get into, it helped when someone told me at the reunion, “you’re in such an upbeat mood, i forget that you’re sick!” a sis will only continue to glow at this rate.
