What are we? - Chapter 6: Apology
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Going to work was so awkward lately, it felt like everyone was ignoring me. Junhoe wouldnt keep a convo going for long and would avoid talking to me whenever he got the chance, while Hanbin just straight up didnt care about my presence at all.
I finished work early today and decided to head to the hospital to see my mother.
"hey mom" i smiled as i saw her sitting up and eating her food. She'd been improving a lot lately, the doctor's said it was possibly because of how her environment was changing with the new visitors. I was told Hanbin visited her a lot and they really enjoyed eachother’s company.
"hey sweetie! Alone today?" she looked around me to see if anyone was going to pop up.
"lol you sound disappointed!" i joked as i got up into bed with her.
We cuddled for a few minutes as i updated her about work and school. She seemed to have noticed my change in attitude and kept asking what was wrong.
"it's hard to explain mom, i dont really get it myself"
She held my hand and rubbed my back to comfort me. "Since when did my little Jen become so serious? wait scratch that you were always serious" she laughed at her own joke
"is it about Hanbin?"
i looked up to meet her gaze. how'd she guess that!?!?
"what!?! noooo ahah" i panicked
"sweetie im your mother, it's hard to lie to me" She took a deep breath and waited for me to explain the situation
I refused at first but after a few more comforting words from her i decided to just let it out. I told her about my situation with Junhoe and how Hanbin was acting lately. I told her i didnt understand why Hanbin was acting the way he was and how i really didnt know what to do with Junhoe.
"mom i just want things to go back to the way they were" i sighed
My mom stopped rubbing my hand and seemed to get a bit more serious about the topic now.
"Jen you need to see this through the boys' perspective. I have to agree with Hanbin on this one, you're not really helping the situation by showing both of them your lovable side. And to him (Hanbin) it may actually look like you just dont care about either guys' feelings."
"mom, it's not my fault, i dont like any of them that way" i tried to explain
"ok stop Jennifer. You need to stop avoiding people and your feelings. You need to let people in and it's alright for you to depend on others. I know all that we are going through is giving you an insane amount of stress, and that you are never one to break your walls for just anyone. But sweetie, it's okay. it's ok to let people in and it's alright to depend on others. And jen no matter how much you deny it, im your mother and i have raised you. I know you inside out baby, and i can see your eyes spark when you're with Hanbin. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, if you---"
"woahhhh what!! ahahahah moom! you've gotta be kidding me!! Hanbin and i? really? He doesnt even think of me that way!" my face was burning up from embarrassment
"Jen i can see it in your eyes. No matter how much you deny it, you know im right when i say you have feelings for him. And just an fyi, you dont understand how much Hanbin talks about you when he visits me. That kid can write a book about what you've done all day. He watches you all the time and i think you going on that date with Junhoe really hurt his feelings. He only talks about you when he is with me. It's honestly the sweetest thing ever. He's so passionate about how you're doing and what your day is like and what you do when you're with me."
He only talks about me? Hanbin....likes me?
"i think you owe it to him to go and fix the mess between you two. He's a good guy sweetie and it would be a shame to see your friendship break like this."
I fiddled with the sheets as she told me what to do. All these mixed feelings i was having...really meant..... i liked him? And Hanbin liked me back too? i needed to see him right now and figure this mess out.
"mom im gunna go talk to him" i got up off the bed and started to put my shoes back on
My mom smiled at me as i got up about to run out of the door. "Jen wait! Make sure you talk to Junhoe as well. He deserves an explanation just as much as Hanbin does. In fact, it would be smart to talk to him first!"
I nodded my head, agreeing to her reasoning. I then bolted out of the hospital to find Junhoe.
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After looking in the practice room and hunting him down in the IKON dorm, i finally found out he was at the local cafe working on some extra songs.
I opened the door to the cafe and looked left and right to find this guy. Everyone around me probably thought i was being chased by a serial killer. I walked by every table and looked at all the strangers to make sure none of them were Junhoe. The looks i got from all the customers were enough to make me feel extremely uncomfortable any other day, but for some reason today was different. I had gained confidence that couldnt be defeated by a couple weird looks.... i was determined to find Junhoe.
There!
I made my way to the final table at the back of the cafe where i saw some guy on his laptop sitting on one of the couches with his hood up.
It was Junhoe.
He never sat somewhere where other's could disturb him, at the back of the store he could peacefully enjoy his drink as he focused on his work.
"junhoe" i called out his name to grab his attention
"jen? what's up?" he seemed confused to see me here so unexpectedly
i sat beside him on the couch as i caught my breath. "i need to talk to you"
"about?..." Junhoe had stopped typing on his laptop and gave me half of his attention while the other half was looking around trying to make sense of the situation
"i owe you an apology" i finially said as i settled down and looked straight at him
"i was wrong to make you feel the way i did. It wasnt right for me to accept the date if i had no intention of doing anything between us. It was selfish of me to use you to ignore my own feelings that i was trying so hard to pretend werent real. I hurt you Junhoe, and i will forever feel terrible about it. I know that my refusal.....for your...kiss may have given you an answer to my feelings but the whole situation was just not played out right. I shouldnt have "led you on" when i didnt even know what i wanted. It was seflish and stupid of me to think i could ignore my feelings for.....for....."
"Hanbin?" Junhoe added as he looked at me with great focus
"...........yea....i guess" i finally admitted
Junhoe was silent for a couple minutes until he finally let out a big sigh. He crossed his hands and put them behind his neck as he took in everything i had just said.
"it's alright" he unexpectedly answered
His gaze was focused on his laptop screen, and his voice seemed somewhat shallow
"junhoe im so sorry, i really--"
"jen no really it's fine. Honestly i knew your feelings from the start aha I just thought maybe if we spent some time together i could change your feelings towards me." He got up from the couch and stood in front of me now, looking down at me
"If you're apologizing, i kinda should too.... since i tried to change what your heart really desired." He knelt infront of me so that we could talk eye-to-eye
We both looked at one another for a minute until we finally broke out into smiles. It seemed both of us didnt hold any grudges against the other and we both seemed to be on good terms.
"I know you've liked Hanbin from the beginning, it's written all over your face!" he laughed as he ruffled my hair
"every time someone brings him up, your cheeks literally turn the colour of a stop sign! it's pretty hard to miss, in my opinion! Im surprised it took you so long to figure it out!" he joked some more
"yah! it's not my fault!" i admitted as i lifted his hand from my head and fixed my hair
"so no hard feelings right?" i asked once more just to make sure
"ofcourse, if i cant have you as my girlfriend. I'd at least like to call you my best friend." he asked as he stood up and held a hand out for me to hold onto as i tried to get up myself
A bestfriend? Truthfully, ive never known the true meaning of a friend, let alone a best friend. But Junhoe is someone i feel absolutely comfortable with, someone i can relax with and just let go of all my worries. I would never ever want to lose him or hurt him, and it's true that he holds a special place in my heart.
"i'd really like that Junhoe!" My eyes brightened and my lips parted as i smiled, after what he had just said. "you really are my best friend!" i reassured him as i patted his arm
"how could i not be! just look at me!" he posed, trying to lighten up the mood of our convo
I laughed at his lame attempt of a joke
"now go find hanbin, im sure he'll be excited to hear what you have to say" he ordered as he placed my beanie on my head
"yes sir!" i saluted, before i ran out of the cafe turning around every so often to wave at my bestie who was waving back at me.