Do you have any facts about Jupiter's moons?
I have many facts about Jupiters moons. I have many facts per moon. Jupiter has many, many moons. I have so many facts about Juptier's moons that if I listed them all here it would crash tumblr. The facts I know about them are so explosive and amazing that if you heard a tenth of them your brain would literally fucking explode. And you know what? I'm not gonna tell you a single one.
Facts about Jupiter's Moons:
Jupiter’s moon Ganymede is the only moon that has its own moon. It’s just large enough to hold a small 2km meteor in its orbit, and with Jupiter’s help, the meteor seems to be on a stable path. Despite this, the other planets all talk behind Jupiter’s back and won’t let Ganymede near their own moons.
Callisto, the musical moon, is known for its witty lyrics and fun Afro-Caribbean folk beats. It is also made of crabs.
Io is covered in volcanoes. Though these volcanoes are expected to clear up in a few years, they cause Io much anxiety and unpopularity in the Jovian high school scene.
Europa is covered in ice, under which life may exist. This life would theoretically look and act much like Jim Henson's "Muppets" and live on a diet of small bacterial colonies. I know this because fuck you that's why.
Amalthea is named after a nymph from Greek mythology, the only solar object to have the distinction of a mythological name.
Himalia was discovered in 1904 by Sir Edmund Hillary, who was the first man to summit its highest peak, unless you count the thousands of Jovian locals who are not recognized by Earth historians because we suck.
Thebe is what happens when you blow up a firecracker on a meteor and it gets stuck in a big planet's gravity.
Elara is made entirely of hair, hence its nickname, "the hair moon."
Pasiphi- Pasiphea- Pasi- Whatever fuck this moon I'm not typing it.
Carne, the meatiest moon, is delicious in quesadillas.
Metis is shaped like a noodle, specifically rigatoni. It may also be buttered. NASA's next probe will check to see if it's ready to serve by throwing it against a wall.
Lysithea is a student at the Officers Academy who is from the Leicester Alliance and is a member of the Golden Deer. A magic prodigy, her family was targeted by the Adrestian Empire. You can recruit her during the War Phase so long as you chose the Crimson Flower route.
Sinope is the homeworld of filmmaker Christopher Nolan. It was discovered by someone at a place called "The Lick Observatory." Eww.
Ananke was of course the chosen one until it fell behind the dark side of Jupiter. It was supposed to bring balance to Jupiter, not leave it in darkness.
Leda is known for fucking a swan. Not even kidding they named the moon after a lady famous for nailing an overgrown goose and laying eggs. I'm not even referring to mythology this happened in the 1970s.
Adrastea is a popular moon to take over in Solar Quest because if you don't have enough fuel to leave Jupiter's orbit you can charge anyone who lands on it like a gazillion dollars.
Callirrhoe makes me giggle.
Themisto is the only moon around Jupiter not to hang out in a group. It's the 'forever alone' moon. Probably because of its bad body odor due to its distance from Speedstiq, the deodorant moon.
Praxidike has an eccentricity of 0.1840. That means it won't lend out its DVDs but lets them get all scratched anyway.
Kalyke is the only moon in the solar system named after a Superman comics character. Kalyke is an obscure villain who is obsessed with kidnapping Superman and showing him episodes of I Love Lucy.
Iocaste was thought to be a star until 1996 when it finally moved. Juptier's slowest moon, it orbits the planet once every 60,000 years and doesn't even text back, it leaves everyone on 'read' like an asshole.
Taygete is a perfectly round and completely green moon. It's made of pure emerald. It would cost over 50 trillion dollars on Earth, and would crush most cities.
Megaclit is, wait. Megaclit? Are you fucking serious? What do I even joke about with this one? Uh… Megaclit was discovered only recently as none of the cis male astronomers could find it? Whatever, its called MEGACLIT make your own joke this one's a freebie.
Dia is the only moon of Jupiter to have been discovered by day. Sorry this one is weak I'm still laughing at the moon MEGACLIT.
Harpalyke has only been spotted once, and never again, leading astronomers to believe it left Jupiter in an argument over ethics in gaming journalism.
Helike is named for that dragon on the bridge in Dark Souls that fucking kills everyone the first time right when they think they beat the first boss and they were doing well.
Thyone, full name Thyone Power, starred in lots of Zorro movies.
Hermippe is what happens if you lift from your back and not your arms.
Chaldene? Uh… Something about the fire in Howl's Moving Castle maybe? I dunno.
Isonoe- Moon of the Mole People, a people best known for airing on Adult Swim and then never coming out on DVD.
Eirene- Wasn't this moon in Sherlock?
Eukelade is named for a guy who ran around naked because he noticed that metal didn't float. No wait that's Archimedes, he said Eureka and that's not even what this got its name from. Oh wait, I MAKE SHIT UP. Yeah I'm going with it.
Aeode is a good Theatre of Tragedy song.
Autonoe is the term for films made by Gaspar Noe after he went on autopilot and started making boring art crap instead of head smashing flicks.
Ersa, boring. Unfunny. How can that compare to MEGACLIT?
Pandia is about where I began to regret doing a fact for every fucking moon around Jupiter big time.
Carpo is named for a blend of Marx brothers.
Euanthe is the smallest moon ever to star in its own reality show.
S/2017? What they literally ran out of names? They just started naming them after years and crap. Fuck this. There are another 30 moons and they didn't even bother to name half of them, why should I keep going when fucking NASA didn't?
LOL, "megaclit."
