Sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard. Later, when you have to live with yourself. Knowing that you acted with integrity, then it matters.
Expectation Vs Reality. Kaidan dreamed of being a doctor and healing people as a kid, he never could have dreamed of how much more he’d become. Or how many hurdles there were.
Kaidan Alenko Appreciation Week - Day 1 (Childhood)
I’ve decided to write about my Subject Zero Kaidan for the first day, and his difficult relationship with his childhood and what Cerberus did to him. ( Art is by szajnie)
“Hey Kaidan!”
His mother’s voice.
His mother’s face.
She stared at him from the terminal screen like a ghost from the past, looking exactly as he remembered her; long black hair tied back in a bun with wisps hanging around her face, beautiful dark eyes that twinkled with a smile … or tried to. There was something in them that seemed strained. Something in her voice too. A forced cheeriness. A kind of fear.
Kaidan swallowed and continued watching the ancient vid recording.
“Your dad and I wanted to say happy birthday!” His mother grinned and held up a package wrapped in sparkling blue wrapping paper, his favourite colour as a child. “We really miss you, honey. It’s not the same without you here. Tobey misses you lots. He’s still sleeping on your bed at night and he meows all the time.” Her smile wobbled, and her eyes glistened with tears.
“Your dad and I, we’re going to try to come and see you next weekend. We know it’s hard for you in there and the teachers are doing everything they can but … just let us know you’re okay. Just send us something … please? I know you’re angry that we sent you there, but please talk to us. It’s been months.” His mother sobbed suddenly, and the glistening moisture in her eyes spilled over. “I just want to hear your voice.”
The rest is under the cut ...
Kaidan looked away, his hands clenching into tight fists at the broken sound in her voice, the pain of his nails biting into his palms steadying him, forcing back the horrible tightness welling in his chest. She’d thought he was ignoring them, that he had been getting their messages and ignoring them, when he hadn’t been receiving anything at all. He hadn’t known his parents cared for him; he’d thought his parents had dumped him at BAaT; glad to be rid of him.
He heard his father’s voice over the recording, a muffled deep sound, and his mother nodded. “Your dad wants to say hi, so I’m going to go. I love you sweetie. I love you so much and I miss you more than I can ever say. I hope we see you soon. Hopefully before this little guy arrives.” She patted her stomach below the recording, and Kaidan realised that she must have been pregnant with his little brother when this was taken.
A horrible burning sensation welled in his throat, something that tasted like grief and pain, like bitterness and rage. His friends of old, but stronger.
“Bye Kaidan, take care. Here’s your fa-“
The recording cut out and Kaidan looked away from the screen as the corrupted file message blinked steadily on it. It seemed to blink in time to the pulsing of his anger as it built inside of him. Cerberus had done this. Cerberus had taken him from his family, had convinced him that his parents no longer wanted him, had tortured and twisted him, and when his parents tried to get him out, they had killed them.
A red haze of rage fogged his mind. Other vid files waited to be viewed, a small treasure trove of unheard recordings from his parents, and in a violent gesture Kaidan brought his fist down on the terminal and deleted them. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. The pain. The loss. The rage, it all screamed inside of him. Furious. Writhing. It bit and tore at him like a live electric wire, spitting, sparking and demanding more.
He brought his fist down again and again. Until the terminal cracked. Until it sparkled. Until something popped in his wrist and pain arched up his arm to his shoulder. Until blood splattered across the broken console, coated his hand thickly, dripped over his torn knuckles, and fell in droplets over the floor. His biotics ignited in a burning ball of pure hate and danced around him, licking along his skin in tiny blue-white flames that flung loose objects in the room against the walls in a burst of energy.
“Kaidan?”
He froze, and for one horrible moment he thought the recording was starting up again, but no. That was Pandora’s voice. Pandora’s face at the door. Pandora’s biotics which brushed against his in a calming wave.
The rage inched back, withdrew inside of him, and retreated like a snarling beast, thrashing its tail as it slunk back inside of its cave. Never truly gone or tamed, but gone for now. Kaidan stared at her for a moment, saw pale blue eyes staring at him with pity and empathy, then he turned away, staggering slightly as he clutched his mangled arm to his chest.
“I’m fine,” he rasped, wincing as pain radiated up his arm in a red-hot line. “I’m-“
He froze as he felt her move closer, the warm fuzzy blur of her biotics brushing against his an instant before her arms wrapped around him. She held him tightly, her body pressed in a long line against his back. Not saying anything. Not doing anything other than holding him. Just being there.
Slowly the anger and fear faded, and a numb kind of exhaustion filled him instead.
His mother, father and the baby brother he’d never met were long gone now. Even his cat, a ginger mog who he could barely remember, was gone. The memories were painful. They hurt. And he stomped them down ruthlessly, not wanting the hideous pain they brought with them. Cerberus had taken that life from him, they’d stolen the person he might have been and made him into Subject Zero instead.
Monster. Criminal. Murderer.
Pandora’s arms tightened around him soothingly, and he relaxed again, forcing his agitation away. Cerberus has stolen one family from him, but in their ignorance, they’d given him another here on the Normandy. Pandora and her crew of misfits were as close to a family as he would ever allow himself, and yes … some of them were people he’d kill to protect.
And maybe, just maybe, it was time to start being honest with them.
He turned slowly and linked one arm around her waist, letting his head drop to her shoulder as he breathed in her familiar scent. “I’m lying kitten,” he said quietly in the silence of the room. “I’m...”
I’m scared. I’m lonely. I need help.
Kaidan hesitated for all of a heartbeat and then shook off the ridiculous notion to tell her the truth, instead he smirked. “…I’m just hurt.” He nodded at his arm. “You know my temper.”
“Yeah,” Pandora sighed sadly, and he had the odd sensation that she knew what he had been about to say, and knew he was lying. “Yeah, I know all about your temper.”
