So I went back and tagged all of my Witcher 3 recaps with “wee precious flower prince geralt” since that seems to be an ongoing theme, and I wanted to be able to find them all again too.
DF had an office day yesterday so he was home early and spent some time in the afternoon Warframing, so he fired up Witcher 3 while MM was still putting the kids to bed. He figured he had a bunch of boring quest-grinding to do and she wouldn’t miss anything.
But that meant that as we were talking to a man about a cart full of plague victims, the 7-year-old came down to ask for medicine for his stuffy nose. I noticed him first, as the screen had just gone to a cutscene; Geralt standing there looking disapprovingly at a man standing next to a cart full of bodies, glowering skeptically at him, and the 7-year-old boy, standing in the passageway from the kitchen, watching it in entrancement, a faint line of confusion between his eyebrows. “Kid,” I said, “what do you need?”
“My nose is stuffy,” he said, still staring entranced at the brightly-colored video game screen.
“You gotta burn that cart,” Geralt growled at the carter. (Geralt knows about germ theory. HM)
“Then get a stuffie,” DF said, not having heard him amidst the sounds of getting out of his chair to physically interpose his own 6′1″ body between the child and the unskippable cut scene. But it’s a really large television, so this wasn’t super effective.
“No, my nose,” Boy said. “What are you watching? Who’s that?”
“Come on,” DF said, putting the controller down and leading Boy to the kitchen, to give him a completely placebo-level underdose of allergy medication, which, spoiler alert, completely sorted him for the evening.
(Boy is, after all, the original Flower Prince; he’s very sensitive, and it’s sweet and lovely but occasionally you want to kind of grab him by the shoulders and intone furiously not all sensation is pain, child, it is okay to exist in a body but we do not do this very often because it isn’t particularly effective. But it’s true, child, it’s true.)
(behind the cut: hide and seek, and a reply to a reply about a bookverse allusion. this is kind of a long meandery one, i always mean to make these more concise but i’m just having too much fun. sorry.)
Anyway, we ran around and killed a random wyvern and also cleared out a monster den full of wraiths that proved to hold a level 11 ekimmara and the grave of a guy named Witcher George, and the diagrams to make some higher-level armor. Also, it proved to have a cave full of explosive poisonous gas, which we figured out by walking in there with a lit torch and then flying the fuck back out, on fire, when it exploded. (Geralt makes fantastic “Argh!” noises when this happens, and occasionally intones, “Ow!” or “Shit!” really clearly, which is unintentionally hilarious and makes me feel bad for laughing.)
(Ah, a note for Netflix-only fans: In the games, Geralt has an American accent. All the Witchers do. The villagers all have various terrible impressions of semi-British-ish accents, but all of the Witchers have very whitebread American accents, and it’s kind of entertainingly weird if you pay attention. Geralt’s accent is invisible-to-Americans dialect; Vesemir has a Generic Old Man American accent, and Lambert sounds kind of Californian but mostly in tone of voice. Eskel hasn’t talked enough for me to really place him, but it’s fair to say none of them are supposed to sound like anything in particular to an American-- it just registers as words. I mean, I guess I get it-- Witchers don’t sound like the locals-- but it’s weird.)
At this point, given enough space to work in, a second to oil his blade, and a single application of the Quen sign [optional], DF can kill a level 7 wraith in about six seconds. So, to those of you wondering why this insane motherfucker wanted to play on Death March mode, that’s why. Sometimes he casts an Yrden, but he hasn’t leveled it up and the initial-level Yrden sign is so ineffective as to be entirely useless, so he does it for the aesthetics occasionally but it doesn’t actually affect the outcome of the fight at all.
The level 11 ekimmara, which is a sort of vampire, took a couple of minutes but it tends not to pursue, which is great because then there’s time to heal from the damage before re-engaging. The only time enemies are really a problem is when there’s 1) more than 2 of them and 2) not enough space to roll away. (Higher-level boss creatures are not included in this analysis.)
(And, again, I note, I could not even navigate through the fucking menu options to turn the Xbox ON in the first place, so absolutely 0 of this actually includes me, and I’m just saying “we” for the aesthetic. I am on this ride solely to provide background lore and color commentary, and I rely on MathMom for a lot of the color commentary.)
“We need Beast Oil,” DF said, and not three minutes later we came upon a treasure guarded by a level twelve bear, which was super super super annoying but bears are slow enough that you can just kind of run around and hit them and run away and Axii them and come back and hit them and hit them and run away and Axii them and so on and so forth.
“Dumpling, crunch crunch!” DF chirped at one point, and when I was like what he was like “I’m eating a dumpling to regen health, that’s not like, my cute name for the bear or whatever.” He was out of Raw Meat, which is what he usually puts in that slot. Fortunately, having killed the bear, he was soon replenished with additional Raw Meat.
Then, while moving on, we met another bear, ran away from it, fell off a cliff directly onto it, and still managed to escape without fighting it. Victory!
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled
I mean, we could’ve fought the bear, that one was only lvl 6, but like, we didn’t need to fight the bear, so why fight the bear, it’s just doing bear shit in the woods and like, we don’t need to get into it with that bear except for having landed on it. Sorry, bear.
We also took out some bandits and in the loot they dropped was a bunch of Fisstech. “I’m just gonna see how much fisstech I can collect,” DF said.
“Can you snort it?” I asked.
He poked through inventory. “No,” he said, “it’s not interact-with-able at all. But wow, I have a lot of it.” Envision, if you will, a spectacularly unwashed Witcher with muttonchops and metallic gold boots running around the wilderness with like two kilos of coke on him. Why the fuck not! Maybe you can use it for a quest. Maybe you can sell it. Who knows: we’re just gonna keep collecting it.
Anyway. Some running around later, MM joined us, just as we did some bullshit little thing that pushed us over the threshhold to level up! to level 8!
“I got a new slot!” DF said excitedly, and MM and I snorted and giggled until he gave us a dirty look and went back to his point allocation nerdout.
Scrolling through the open quests, DF noticed Ladies of the Woods. “Kiera gave you Ladies of the Woods,” I said.
“Mm,” MathMom said, glancing up from her sewing project. “I think they call those... isn’t that a euphemism for scabies?”
Anyway. We went to do Ladies of the Woods. It was dusk as we arrived, and we saw that there were donuts on the ground. “DOn’t trust them,” @akilah12902 said (I generally livetext her about the playthroughs, which is both amusing at the time and also gives me notes i can write these recaps with, multitasking yay!) and I was like I mean, it doesn’t let you pick them up. There were also... strings of donuts hanging from the trees? DF tried to light a torch so we could look at them better but it wouldn’t let him choose the torch in the selection wheel so he Aarded the strings like five times before giving up.
“Those are human ears,” @akilah12902 eventually explained, which, well, okay, yeah, that’s a good reason not to trust the donuts, but also that’s a lot of fucking ears. Like... we got that this was a creepy swamp, though.
We met our first Water Hag. Oh, it was big and ugly and had like, a posse of Drowners with it, but like. They really don’t like fire, and conveniently, Geralt can make fire with his hands and throw it, and like. Yeah. Igni, it turns out, is super-effective for Water Hags.
Then we met a bunch of kids. The kids were sort of... I mean, kids, but sort of creepy? (Also they had the voice actor just doing a really high voice for the littler kid and like. not convincing. cute attempt, and probably for the best not to actually hire a tiny child to say lines with shite and arse in them [he does get put in time-out for that], but like.) Geralt asks them about Ciri, an ashen-haired lass. ”no lasses here,” said one kid, to which one of the girls was like “what am I then?” and the kid’s like “lasses have tits, you don’t” and then there’s a whole diatribe about tits, which is fairly hilarious coming out of this tiny child. Geralt’s expression remains politely incredulous throughout, which is my favorite expression of his, and one he wears a lot when he talks to little kids who, I might mention, are never ever afraid of him, even when the adults around them seem to be.
Gran puts Foul-Mouthed Kid in time out but the thing that kid had been so foul-mouthed about was some... one or thing named Johnny, who’d told him about an ashen-haired lass. So Geralt needs to talk to Foul-Mouthed Kid, but Gran won’t let him. The other kids are like, make a deal with us and maybe we’ll help you.
I was like DF you must absolutely do what those kids want because I want to know what they’re going to make you do
and the answer is THEY WANT YOU TO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK
and Geralt, sure enough, straight-ahead just plays hide and seek with the kids, puts his hands over his face and counts and doesn’t peek. But then of course, he’s got Witcher senses, so he tracks the kids to their hiding places, and they grumble about it but keep their end of the deal, and Foul Mouthed Kid tells you all he knows about Johnny, who... probably isn’t a child, and maybe isn’t real.
“I think these kids aren’t real,” DF theorized. “I think maybe one of them’s real and the others are imaginary.”
“I think it’s a cult,” MM said.
“I think Johnny’s dead,” I guessed.
We were all wrong; Johnny’s a godling, blue and two and a half feet high with giant yellow eyes, and you have to go find his voice before he can tell you anything, but once you kill some harpies and get him a fancy little bottle with an exclamation point on it he gets his voice back and swears a lot, which is entertaining. And yes, he has seen Ciri; she interrupted his morning shit, which annoyed him (”Defecating to the sunrise,” he says, waxing rhapsodic. He is truly, genuinely, flagrantly eccentric, which, I mean, good for him).
So he intercedes for you with Gran, really puts himself out-- I’ve done you favors, and never asked for payment, but I’m asking you now, help this witcher, because otherwise he’ll bother me. Which is big of him, as Geralt helped him out and insisted on help in return but hasn’t actually threatened him or harassed him, really. Johnny’s putting it on with Gran, to get Geralt what he needs, and Geralt’s expression indicates that he’s pleasantly surprised at this.
Anyway-- Gran relents and invokes the crones for Geralt, and they prove to be extremely creepy. Geralt asks them after Ciri and they’re like “ohh yes she’s very pleasing, you’re after that hm” and he’s like “no umm that’s my daughter” and they’re like “why should that stop you” and he’s like “uh-- no-- that’s fuckin’ gross, ladies” and they’re like “suit yourself” and give him a silver dagger to take to an alderman about a quest to do so that in return they’ll give him the information he wants about Ciri.
Geralt literally rolls his eyes at this, but it’s par for the course-- nobody can fuckin tell you shit you need to know without making you jump through hoops first. They see a Witcher, they want that Witcher to do them a thing. Nobody cares about his lost daughter, nobody cares if he’s got a sob story, he’s just got to listen to theirs and solve their goddamned problems.
But when it’s kids who want to play a game, he plays the fuckin’ game, and if it’s an old lady who needs her pan back, he gets her the fuckin’ pan, and if it’s a fisstech dealer who then turns into a bandit and loots refugees, well okay then now it’s time for swording, asshole, but up to that Geralt will pretty much just put up with anything.
We got as far as the conversation with the alderman (I’m spelling that wrong and don’t give a shit, guys) but MM had gone to bed so we did too, and then I stayed up way too late avoiding figuring out the climax of the second chapter I just thought of for Fugitive so now I’m a zombie today. (I’ve learned more about Axii and have thought of a super angsty way to use it! I’m terrible.)
In closing, here’s a response to the writeup about the swineherding quest:
kaijyuu reblogged your post and added:
risking the possibility of being that person, the ‘curse someone cast with their feet’ bit is most likely a reference to the dragon hunt in the novels, where yennefer is tied up and unable to use her hands for gestures, so she throws spells with her feet, turning guardsmen into various animals, which is actually fucking great.(what is not so fucking great is that she is lacking a shirt, dandelion is creepily staring, and there are some very uncomfortable comments made by the dwarves– sapkowski is very obviously A Man, and some parts of the novels are very on par with the baron questline)
#the witcher#oh boy there are some moments i would like to unread
Mm y’know, sometimes I’m just glad that the moment I idly looked at the library to see if any of the Witcher books were available, there was a huge waitlist and I decided I did not need to read them. Occasionally I’m like ah there might be something cool in there nobody’s told me about, but then I’m like... no. No, I don’t think I’m really missing that much.
@kaijyuu Iris wasn't as big of an issue because she's just crazy fast the whole time (but at that point I opted for "cheating" and just used Sylkis greens/Chocobo tart combo to basically make Nugget some crazy hyped up Chocobo speed demon). The issue I have with Ignis in the Chocobo races is that he has a very distinct style of racing. He conserves all his energy at the start so you pass him, giving you a false sense of superiority and he's just happily trailing along and you literally get INCHES from the finish line only to have him overtake you at the VERY LAST SECOND giving you a taste of his latest recipe of humble pie and then you stew with rage but you can't hate him because he's Ignis but in that moment you're just very frustrated... anyway that's why I headcanon that Ignis is a secret Chocobo racer and also super competitive.
kaijyuu replied to your post “defecating to the sunrise”
the short stories are fun and i'd recommend them honestly? the main saga is... a lot more difficult ('war stories' by A Man),
but it has great moments, like geralt's fellowship collectively dunking on his inability to accept help while he literally sulks with his back to them
--also, i'm sorry for being a rando with too much to say, i've no outlets but my partner right now orz
Oh no worries, we’re all taking our socialization where we can get it, and also, do you think I really have better things to do than read replies on my Tumblr posts? no! it’s just that I’m not always good at answering them, or AO3 comments, currently. But like, please, I like to be talked at even if I don’t always answer. -- well, maybe someday I’ll read some of the short stories, but I’ve had a bunch of them excerpted at me, including the bit about the sulking. I get why people like them but I think I probably won’t seek them out. Maybe I’ll save it for when I’m old, LOL.
sorrelchestnut replied to your post “fic snippet”
aww no, poor sad jaskier. also lol'ing at Geralt's extreme literalism that turns into accidental flirtation, that's delightful
Oh that wasn’t accidental, he was trying to get firmly back on-topic there. I might alter how that was all worded, it’s definitely modern slang to say “hot” for attractive, but I couldn’t resist Jaskier using it and Geralt not being familiar and getting confused.
childoffantasy replied to your post “fic snippet”
How can a man who's SUCH a dweeb hold my entire heart?? @ geralt I need that back? Sir??
oh my goodness he is such a dweeb.
Spending so much time watching the games being played is kind of assisting in that-- we stopped playing last night (which, uh, that recap is going to be uh, epic but disorganized, as we were quite tipsy) when Geralt accidentally leapt from a high walkway to his death while trying to cross a street, and died with this sort of “huargh!” noise. He also yells “OW” a lot, which is really inappropriately funny. They really leaned-in on the dweebery for the game, and it’s hilarious because in all his static poses he is So Badass and then whenever he does anything he’s like, a huge dork.
kaitoukitty replied to your post “fic snippet”
I was just re-reading Fugitive last night, so I am SUPER excite about that snippet. Thanks for sharing!
Ah, thank you for expressing excitement about that-- I’m slightly worried that since I didn’t mark it as having multiple chapters when I started it, nobody’s gonna notice or care when I add a chapter, but I didn’t want to promise another chapter if I didn’t have a good plot for it, so-- anyway. I’m working on it only because it hooked me pretty solidly just the other night.
kaijyuu replied to your post “in-character decisions”
the dude who attacks you? will show up again- twice, i think? like fairly far apart tho, but he will not let up, and you'll have to kill him if you don't have axii:delusion leveled a bit (which i recommend highly anyway- axii-ing people usually gives niiccccceeee xp)
also my partner hates that gambeson as well and could not find anything better for way too many levels lol
God it’s so ugly! Ah well. I’m sorry Dr. F sold the Kaer Morhen armor, not realizing he’d be able to level it up with stuff if he hung onto it, because it is by far the sexiest, but oh well. He’s not playing this game to enjoy Geralt’s looks, anyway, and the rest of us will make do.
We just leveled up Delusion and I will be sure to recommend that. IDK if they had a gaming session without me, as I am visiting my own house for a day or two, but I’ll find out. That guy is such a fucking nut, I’m astonished none of the playthroughs I’ve read have mentioned him at all!
kaijyuu replied to your post “Give me a character and I will answer:”
lol i have no idea if you've gotten this already but gladiooooo
I have not gotten Gladio yet!
Why I like them He seems to wear his heart on his sleeve (for better or worse). He has an adoration for cup noodles that is beyond silly and cute. He gets super passionate about protecting his friends and I can’t help but think he probably blames himself for a few things that happen later on, but I have no doubt he is shouldering everything the best he knows how. Also he and Iris have such an adorable brother sister bond it is so cute and he loves her so much and just wants what’s best for his baby sister.
Why I don’t I don’t really dislike him but I’ll say that he tends to get a little scary when he’s stressed. I think it’s completely realistic given his character, and even justifiable to a point, but he could use a better way to funnel his aggression sometimes.
Favorite episode (scene if movie) Hahah now that I said that I think he gets scary when he gets stressed, here I am going to say that that scene where he does get stressed is one of my favorites of his. You got to see more out of him than his “cool guy bodyguard” persona and it kind of humanized him a little more imho.
Favorite season/movie I feel like in this case this question is pretty much the same as the last one, but I’ll use it to talk about another favorite scene then. I liked his episode of Brotherhood and seeing how he went from thinking Noctis was a spoiled little brat to actually appreciating him, and of course his concern over Iris was so cute.
Favorite line His entire sales pitch to Noctis about how amazing cup noodles are.
Favorite outfit I usually stick him in the Kingsglaive uniform without the jacket. The jacket only seems appropriate for him in very few circumstances.
OTP GladioxCup noodles 5ever. Also, like I said in my Ignis one, I like super casually ship Gladnis. I follow someone who ships them pretty hardcore so I see a lot of really pretty art for the pair and I can see where it’s coming from, but it won’t destroy me not to ship them either.
Brotp Of course I Brotp ship him with all the Chocobros, and the literal Brotp with Iris, because he is the best big brother to her and it’s so sweet and adorable.
Head Canon I don’t know when or why I developed this headcanon, but I headcanon that he is the best gift giver out of all the Chocobros.
Unpopular opinion His hair in most of the game makes me think of a mullet... God I’m sorry Gladio, but I prefer either his end game look or his Brotherhood look.
A wish He wins free cup noodles for life.
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen I don’t want to answer this one because I know no matter what I say it’ll spoil things.
5 words to best describe them “Built like a brick house” But actually: Passionate, Strong, Protective, Fun, Aggressive.
My nickname for them I want to say Daddy-o, as in the 1950′s slang term for a “cool dude”, but the internet ruined the word “daddy” for me so I usually just call him Gladio because I’m boring.
overwatch hero in your asks: zenyatta, roadhog, sombra (idk what type you favor so i hope you play at least one?) just one or all three if you play 'em!
I play Zenyatta a lot! I’d say my favorite map for him is Numbani or Hollywood. My Zen wears the Ra skin. I don’t really ship him with anyone, maybe Genji?
I should try playing Roadhog again, his hook is really fun. I can’t play Sombra for shit.
