Light as a Feather
Fandom: Grishaverse: Shadow and Bone and Six of Crows Summary: Nina is scared, so scared that she can't even get the words out of her throat. Luckily, she has five other voices to do the work for her when she can't. Warnings: Mentions of sexual situations, haphephobia, PTSD, and relationship miscommunications Word Count: 3,525 Ship(s): Kaz Brekker/Jesper Fahey/Inej Ghafa/Matthias Helvar/Wylan Van Eck/Nina Zenik
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Their impromptu trip to Ravka and then return to the city that she was beginning to view as her home had almost made her head spin with the way that it had played out.
They had all been back in the country that she was born and raised in, the one that she had been destined to protect and likely would have died in. They had helped a literal living Saint bring down the Darkling and the Fold, freeing the country from the need that they had for her. She had returned back so that she could free the man that she loved with the blessing of the second most powerful woman in the entire country, the woman that she had cherished as a sister when they were training together.
Almost as soon as they had gotten back, they had more important issues to deal with. Inej wasn’t with them and they had mortgaged the Crow Club so that they could bring her out of the country with them the first time, which meant that they were fighting Tante Heleen back with a cudgel. She felt like almost nothing compared to the Nichey’voya and the Volcra that they had been fighting when they were working to bring down the Darkling. Per Haskell was furious that they had put the home he had grown so comfortable in to jeopardy but was quickly satiated when they revealed the amount of fanciful gifts that the king had bestowed upon them for their help in bringing down Ravka’s greatest menace.
Things were tense between almost everyone, with Inej being gone. She returned as soon as Mal decided that the ship needed to be veering away from the course that she had wanted. She came back and promised that she would only work with them for as long as it took for her to get a ship and a crew of her own, especially now that she knew how to sail.
Wylan was still working at the tannery on orders from Kaz, which they had all found slightly strange in the beginning. That had changed entirely when their leader revealed the fact that he was actually the son of a wealthy merchant that had decided that he was going to run away. Things between Wylan and Jesper had gotten messy after that.
Nina herself had been working in the House of the White Rose while soothing people’s emotions and easing the aches of their bodies. It wasn’t the best use of her powers and certainly not where she thought that her life was going to lead her when she was sent on that fateful mission, but it was good work. Kaz was keeping her informed of what was happening with Matthias in Hellgate even if he wasn’t breaking Matthias out the way that she had begged him to.
Then had come the heist at the Ice Court. The six of them were finally together for the first time. Jesper and Wylan bickered almost as much as Nina and Matthias did, though theirs seemed a lot more bitter and passive aggressive instead of full-out hostility. The long walk through the snow to the town that held the Ice Court and the boat ride to Fjerda had been the worst couple of weeks that Nina had ever endured and she had to go through training with Baghra and Botkin at the same time.
Things had changed when they had seen each other almost die. Apparently Jesper had learned that even though his boyfriend wasn’t who he had said he was initially, he was some spoiled brat that had just run away from his father. Matthias and Nina had gained and lost trust with each other often enough that it put them on an even playing field, one that something could be built on.
Nina found herself becoming so attached to Inej that she felt like her heart might actually burst when the other girl wasn’t around. She also noticed that Inej was closer with Jesper and Kaz, able to touch them both despite the issues that the latter had. Wylan was also growing closer with Matthias and Kaz, to the point where she had walked in on them being intimate with each other.
They took down Pekka Rollins and Jan Van Eck in one foul swoop not long after they had returned from the Ice Court. Inej had her ship and she sailed for six months of the year with frequent stops back in Ketterdam so that she could either repair her ship or restock on supplies. Kaz had taken over the Dregs and ousted Per Haskell when his own boss had tried to turn the gang that he had already been running around on him. Wylan and Jesper were living in Geldstraat, though it was common to see Kaz haunting those halls as well. Nina and Matthias drifted between living in the clubs to traveling to Fjerda so that they could try to free other Druskelle to living with the Merchant Council member.
Something changed during the time that they were allowed to live without someone breathing down their neck, without the threat of war or imminent doom. They found themselves falling into the arms and against the mouths of the people that they had once only called friends. It was tender and heartfelt and so new for all of them, but they were quite good at figuring it out. Nina knew that the Triumvirate and the king had a similar relationship with the Saint and her firebird, so she was more okay with it than Matthias had been at first but still awkward.
Now it felt as easy as breathing. She didn’t know how she had managed to survive without being able to step foot back into Wylan’s grand mansion and be met with Jesper’s long arms around her waist, Wylan’s sweet head tucked into her neck, and Inej’s soft lips against her own.
She noticed that the others were growing closer to each other the same way that she was with them and it made her heart soar. Nina’s favorite thing was to watch the way that Inej and Kaz existed around each other without actually having to interact, the way that Matthias and Wylan would talk about the newest book that Matthias was reading to the latter, the way that Jesper would pick Inej up and dance around the room with her when he was feeling restless. It was enough to make her feel like she was melting even when she wasn’t being included in it.
She was having one specific problem with the situation, however. Even after she and the others had permanently moved back into the Van Eck estate since they were wearing down a little too much to continue their rigorous travels, it was still there in the forefront of her mind.
The others could touch Kaz but she still couldn’t. She watched carefully as Jesper would walk up behind Kaz and wrap his arms around the smaller man’s waist. She watched as Wylan yanked him around by the back of his shirt when he was being particularly stupid or mouthing off. She watched as Inej tucked herself into the crook of his neck or folded their hands together in her lap. She watched as Matthias slowly trailed his huge hands over the back of Kaz’s head and brought their lips together in the most sensual kiss that she had ever seen. She watched, but she could never do.
It had been years since they had gone to Shu Han to get the blade from the living Saint for Alina. It had been years since she had watched the way that Kaz had reacted to her hand resting on top of his, the way that his heartbeat had skyrocketed and he had fled the scene before the job was even over. She couldn’t touch him because every time she thought about doing so, all she saw was the fear that was gripping those near-black eyes from something as small as her trying to check on him.
They were all healing from their issues, they were all growing as people, and yet Nina was still too scared to touch her lover.
The issue had gotten particularly big when she had walked in on Matthias and Kaz in the throws of passion and then was unable to get the idea of Kaz doing something similar to her instead of her husband. They had only kissed twice and both of those times had resulted in Nina nearly crying because she was so scared that she had done something wrong.
Her mind was a twisted storm of thoughts and feelings that she knew she had no hope of unraveling on her own.
She was seated underneath the large apple tree in the center of the green space on the Van Eck estate. She was watching Hund for Matthias because the dog was very easily excited and the aforementioned man was out on a date with two of their partners. Hund didn’t really require that much watching, so she was able to relax and let her mind wander.
Of course, that meant that she was immediately thinking back to the image of Kaz standing above Matthias and then the flash of what it would be like for him to be doing that to her. It was quickly followed by a panicked fluttering in her heart as she remembered the way that he had reacted the first time she touched him.
She moved her finger up to her mouth so that she could chew on the skin at the edge of her thumb just to brush off some the anxious energy now inside of her. She didn’t know how she was supposed to fix this situation when she seemed to be the only one that was having the problem.
She must have been sitting outside for far longer than she realized because the very man that she had been thinking of walked out of the backdoor to their home and then directly over to her. “Nina,” Kaz rasped in that dark voice that sent shivers up the back of her spine.
“Yes, dear Kaz?” she asked, teasing him to try and get the thoughts that were sticking like honey to her mind out.
He looked at her with pursed lips and a furrowed brow, which let her know that this was more serious than him asking her to help him with lunch. Carefully, he sat down next to her so that he was leaning against the other tree in the little space that she had found. Hund noticed that another person had joined one of his owners so rushed over and lapped at Kaz’s face for only a moment before he disappeared back into the garden to do whatever it was that dogs did.
“Love, if you wanted to talk then we could have gone inside. You didn’t have to hurt your leg just for me,” Nina chided softly. She may not have been able to touch her lover because of her own fear but she still was able to care for him in a number of other ways.
“This is where you come to think,” Kaz said.
She flushed a little bit. She knew that she was decently easy to read when she wasn’t actively trying to hide something, she was trained as a spy after all, but it was still incredibly romantic to know that she was known by the people that loved her. “It reminds of being back in the Little Palace,” she explained softly. “I miss it there sometimes, and it helps me think to be somewhere that’s comforting.”
“What are you thinking about?” he asked. He was looking at her with eyes that were dark and monstrous, a look that made her way to bow down to him and beg forgiveness for a sin she didn’t even know about.
Nina didn’t know how she was supposed to admit the feelings that were swirling around inside of her like the darkest of storm clouds. The words were all caught on the edge of her tongue and her heart was hammering like she was affecting it with her own powers, the ones she had before everything came crashing down on her. “I don’t know if I can touch you,” she finally admitted, all of the words rushing out of her like a dam breaking after too much rain.
Kaz looked at her for a second, his face completely unreadable. She wished that she still had her old powers so that she could have some idea of what he was feeling, but she didn’t. She knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t angry since that was the only emotion that he was incapable of effectively hiding.
“You don’t think that you can touch me?” he repeated, raising his brow at her. “Nina, we’ve touched before.”
“But you’ve always instigated it and I’ve always felt so bad afterwards,” she mumbled. She didn’t know how to explain what she felt at the moment and she was doing a piss-poor job at it. At the rate that she was going, Kaz was going to assume that she didn’t want anything to do with him and their relationship would end in tears.
What she was expecting to happen never came to pass as Kaz let out a small sigh and then shifted closer to her. “Nina, tell me what’s really on your mind.”
She knew that he had gotten that ability from spending time with Jesper, who was never able to put his feelings into words right off the bat. She worried the edge of her dress in between her fingers as she slowly said, “Do you remember back when we were in Shu Han? Talking to the Saint?”
“Yes,” Kaz nodded.
“I touched you to make sure that you were okay and it made you have a panic attack. It was the first time that I had ever seen someone react to me like that and the first time that I had ever seen you as something other than Dirtyhands,” she explained. She refused to look up at him and meet his eyes, too afraid of what she might see. When he didn’t have anything to say to her in reply, she continued, “I guess I just assumed that if I tried to touch you again then the same thing would happen. I know that you’ve been doing a lot of work on your tolerances and your haphephobia, but I’m still so scared that I’m going to hurt you again.”
Nina only looked up when she heard the creaking of leather, which meant that Kaz was doing something with his gloves. He wore them a lot more rarely than he had before, which had allowed all of his partners to get used to the sight of his pale, dexterous fingers.
He shifted so that they were sitting side-by-side instead of facing each other and then slowly reached for her. He was moving like he was trying to make sure that he wouldn’t frighten a wild animal. She had seen that kind of caution when Matthias was trying to figure out the best way to comfort their partner, or when Wylan was having a flashback and Jesper was trying to soothe him before it could turn into an entirely sleepless night. She had always been so sturdy and sure of herself, even when she had a relapse back into the craving for jurda parem, that she had never seen it directed back at her. It made her feel vulnerable and special in a way that she knew she could easily get addicted to.
She let out a low breath as she tilted her hand up and met him halfway. Their palms slid together in perfect harmony and then their fingers threaded together slowly. She felt the warmth of his body leaching into her skin and then shuddering through her entire form so that her belly was full of bright, white light.
“Love, back when you touched me for the first time, I had done no work,” Kaz rasped. His voice was low and soft despite the naturally abrasive nature of it. It was soothing and made her feel so at ease that she actually found herself relaxing into his touch. Her heart was filling more and more the longer that they were touching each other. “I was a broken man that let fear rule him. I was greedy and yet still somehow unwilling to give myself what I wanted.”
“You wanted…?” she trailed off, unsure of what he had meant. She knew that he had been in love with Inej since she had met the two of them not long before they had sailed to Ravka for Alina and Nikolai. She knew that the two of them had a conversation about touch and what they wanted out of each other after the destruction of the Fold, which was when Kaz had started changing for his beloved Wraith.
“I wanted you almost as soon as I saw you,” he laughed. Nina was well aware that she was beautiful, which was why she had always used that when she was working with the Dregs. It was hard for her to believe that Kaz had found her beautiful enough to want her when they first met because he had been an enigma wrapped up in a mystery, something completely untouchable.
He shifted again so that his free hand was brushing across her cheek. She felt sparks flood through her nerve endings there and she couldn’t help her eyes from fluttering shut. She was no stranger to pleasure, not when she had five partners and four of them were waiting at her beck and call to help fulfill her needs. Something about Kaz touching her in the way that he was felt more intimate, more gentle and connection-worthy than anything she had ever experienced before.
“I don’t know how someone like you could want someone like me,” Nina whispered.
“What, am I too ugly for you?” Kaz asked, though she could almost taste the laugh on his voice. He was teasing her and trying to get a reaction out of her because she was out of sorts and it made her want to start wailing like a baby.
“Of course not. You’re one of the most handsome men that I have ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on,” she sniffled. She tilted her head back when she felt his bare fingers trail down her jaw to behind her head so that he was drawing her closer. “Besides, only one of us can be self-deprecating at a time.”
“I outweigh you, I’ve been doing it for longer than you have,” Kaz mumbled. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the soft white skin of her neck reverently, like she was something to behold and cherish. It made a sigh drop from her lips even though she was biting them to try and hold back any noises. Her skin felt like it had when she had just come off of the parem, sensitive and hyper aware of everything around her.
“Kaz,” she whimpered. She wasn’t sure how much longer she was going to be able to handle that close proximity with him without reaching outwards to hold him herself.
She realized then that was what he wanted. Kaz was horrible when it came to actually telling them what he wanted, he often demanded that they draw it out of him. The only person that he would ever admit things to were Inej and the two of them were so used to sharing secrets that whatever Kaz had told her just stayed as another job.
Carefully, with shaky fingers and an unsteady heart, Nina reached out so that she was trailing her fingertips along the edge of his shirt. She turned her palm to the side so that she could drag her hand through the whisps of hair curling at his neck. He needed a haircut, she realized when she couldn’t find the stark line between the undercut and the long hair on top.
They were pressed together so tightly that their body heat had become one. Nina shifted so that her forehead was resting against Kaz’s and their noses were almost bumping against each other. He was so close that she could feel his breath against her neck and feel his lashes against hers when he blinked, fluttering like a butterfly against her cheek.
She tilted her head up slightly when she felt the muscles in the back of his hand flex to tell her what he wanted something. Their noses knocked together and then his lips were on top of hers because she had leaned forward to join them. It was something that they had done before, but she had never instigated it. He had given her permission in the way that his hand was still resting on the back of her neck, but she was the one that had taken the final step that she had always left for him.
“There’s my girl.”
