#kannikka

[nei-ning]

Sauna is a place where I also get into "meditative state", thinking a lot of past and often have conversation with character(s).

Today was one of those moments. I was thinking back of my youth years, being a teenager. I had some pets and most of them I managed to take good care of. I also had one rabbit - which I never didn't even want. I never haven't feel connection with pet rabbits.

One young woman, who had a crush on dad, drove to our yard one day all of the sudden, holding this black bunny in her lap and leaving it to us. It was NOT dad's doing! Dad always has hated ANY kind of rodents.

Anyway! She was not allowed indoors so dad build her tiny corner in our horse stable. All was fine until, without going too much into details, an accident happened and she was put down instantly on the yard. No need to force or make her to suffer horrible pains...

This is something I have think a lot, even now. All kind of "what ifs" and so on. The blame towards myself has always been present as well. Been telling myself I should have done better, be better, know more, whatever you can think of.

My mind went to those thought in sauna, causing Gan Ning to pop up next to me. He was leaning on his thighs with his elbows, eyes on sauna stove.

"You shouldn't blame yourself. You were young. You were still learning - all by yourself. Even if there were adults, they couldn't have teach you since they didn't know how to take good care of animals themselves. You did the best you could. I'm sure those pets of yours have understood you and have forgive you after passing on."

Now he turned to look at me with gentle smile: "You are a good girl."

And I started to cry. He hit something in me, gently, causing a crack. For YEARS so many pick a card videos, my own readings as well as other readings I've received, have been telling me: "FORGIVENESS! You NEED TO FORGIVE yourself!"

It's just heck hard. It's so simple and easy to blame yourself for the mistakes you did, not understanding the fact you were young, you didn't know all that what you know now and all that. And adding to this parents who, indeed, didn't know how to take good care of animals (or us kids) themselves. You can't expect much from such parents.

But I hope those tears are some kind of cleansing. Even a tiny start of bigger cleansing in me. I want to forgive and let go of the things which are like 25 years old. I'm tired of carrying them since they weight a lot. Not just mind but heart / emotions too.

[nei-ning]

I don't know do other people do this but I speak to characters even then when playing as them :'D And I speak OUT LOUD, not in my head.

Like during playing Nioh 3. When my guy kills the enemy (or a boss if I decide to replay some stages and beat the boss) I instantly always, automatically, go:

"Hyvin tehty, kulta! :D" / "Well done, dear! :D"

-- Or darling, hon etc. since there's no direct translate to a sweet nickname "kulta" in English. Kulta means both gold and sweet nickname to your loved one in Finnish.

Also, the more closer bond I have with the character, more certainly I WILL use sweet nicknames. Not too familiar with the character? Then I use their name, call them either man or woman or downright insult them... ^^; Like: "Why didn't you dodge, you fucking idiot/cunt/dick/slut/asshole?!" etc.

But then some characters, which I have given nicknames to, I use those names when talking to them. Like Gan Ning. I have been calling him Kannikka for 17 years now :'D And Grimmjow = Kitty (Kisu) or Turr Turr (my horrible "purr" sound effect).

[nei-ning]

Dreamed about Gan Ning last night. There was a scene which I don't remember so well anymore but in the dream I watched that animated scene over and over again since it was from Dynasty Warriors game.

At the end of the scene, Gan Ning was sitting by Ling Tong's side. Gan Ning kept his gaze down but he turned to look at his friend, saying with serious but silent tone: "He almost died in my arms, Ling Tong!" Some kind of anger and pain in his eyes.

I knew he was talking about Zhou Tai (one of the Wu generals) and I did see the scene where Gan Ning was actually holding Zhou Tai in his arms, letting him lean against his chest as they both sat on the ground.

Comrades, friends, team mates (whatever name you like to use) mean A LOT to Gan Ning. He always makes sure he is the one looking after everyone else. He doesn't care about his own well being as long as he knows everyone else will be safe and sound. So I assume he "failed" in some way to watch after Zhou Tai which caused him to get seriously injured BUT survived, luckily.

[nei-ning]

Since my last dream about Gan Ning, I have done my best to "avoid him" because it has been feeling to be right thing to do. Last night I was listening music on shuffle on Youtube, like I always do, and Youtube played me DW9 Gan Ning's ending (Japanese). I was going to skip it (which I never do) but then decided otherwise.

I watched it and for the first time ever in my life, when seeing Gan Ning, I wasn't feeling super happy, excited, smiled, laughed, giggled etc. No, none of that. Instead I felt.. afraid(?) to look at him. It made me feel weird and sad. Heck uncomfortable. Like if you have insult your very dear friend, being afraid to look at them in eye again.

Then the night came and I went to bed. I took one full Opmax since I've been sleeping HELL BAD for weeks now once again so I wanted to have ONE NIGHT when I could sleep well. NO weird dreams, no constant waking up after every hour, no tossing and turning etc.

I slept well BUT I also had a dream about Gan Ning. He stood a bit further away facing me. He gave me careful smile while opening his arms. No words were said but the gesture was clear. He wanted to hug. I was heck careful and slow instead of running into his arms. When he finally sealed me in a hug, he said he does not wish / want me to be afraid of him. He still wishes for us to be friends like we have been for a long, long time, almost 20 years (since DW6 was published in 2007).

Our friendship has always been full of humor, very light and cheerful, no drama, no bad mouthing, nothing negative. Always "happy-happy-joy-joy" with playful flirt at times between friends. No harm to one another in any way. And I miss that. He too, apparently.

And please understand this: I'm autistic. I am inside my head 24/7, having conversations with fictional characters. That's like therapy to me. It's my happy place where I can escape real world's shit. Fictional characters are MUCH easier for me to become friends with than real people. I can't keep real people as my friends. I can stay friends with them 3 years at max and then that friendship just ends without any reason. POOF! It disappears like a fart in the dessert! No words, no goodbyes, nothing. It's just gone.

So yeah, this isn't easy and this is sensitive topic - and I know I sound crazy, but I wanted to get this out of my chest.

[nei-ning]

Old long dream as shortly as possible.

I don't remember how the dream started but at some point I'm in a room with some people, 2 of them being boys who used to be on the same class with me in 5th and 6th grade. They have different shaped flat diamonds for some kind of crafting. Then one woman comes to me, says / asks something and I reply something with how one friend of mine died on this summer (for real) and how much I miss her. I started to cry and this woman with those 2 boys left me grieve.

Then, I'm in super tiny car with mom, we have come to a stop in the middle of the forest during late autumn. Don't know why. There's tall trees as I look out through the window to my left. Somewhere light shines on them, maybe from beneath them from their behind if that makes sense? I also notice some birds eating pinecones and it makes me happy.

We start to move again and we pass this pink tiny house which clearly has seen it's better days. It's in no shape for anyone to live there but someone does, having Christmas lights on windows and a little bit outside. I instantly realize one of my hell drunk uncles (dad's side) lives there. This uncle is long gone in real life, tho.

I then remember Gan Ning is in the train with my middle school years friend, getting all happy and excited about it. I pick up my phone and call him but he doesn't answer, instead my friend does. I smile and greet her, telling it's me before asking if Gan Ning is there. She said he is, giving him the phone. I hear some rustling before he says with very tiny and silent voice: "Hello?" I think he might be holding the phone wrong. After all he is from Ancient China where no phones existed. But he's doing a good job, still! :D

I tell him happily it's me, then asking if he's still in the train. He says yeah. I then ask in what location he is currently, what's the last thing they passed by. He says: "Just passed this pink house, wooden. Looked to be in very bad shape."

I tell him we just passed it too, adding next stop is called Säyneinen (hell tiny town from my childhood). I ask him to get off when he and my friend comes there, I would be waiting for them. After that call ends.

I now am standing at the tiny parking spot in front of the town's shop, Gan Ning joining me with my friend. I smile at him and I probably took a hold on his hand too. I have to mention that normally I see Gan Ning very clearly in my dreams, now I don't. And he feels... Off too in some way. Normally he is very bright, sunny, happy, energetic, loud, chatty etc but now he's slightly smiling gray mass who looks like Gan Ning. All that colorful brightness in all levels and forms is gone.

I start to lead him and my friend to this spot inside some weird building where's underground / indoor grass area for a horse. We watch it run a bit happily before moving forward. Next we see big area on the floor with glass in front of it and there's Guinea pig. And behind it is area fir a little kitten. It doesn't look to be healthy, tho. I heck it closer but I can't take it. As I return to Gan Ning, he carefully says he wants a Guinea pig.

I instantly go for it, telling him there's definitely a spot in the stable (from my old home) where we can build a spot for it. He seems happy but very slightly. But then I wake up and I couldn't stop thinking why Gan Ning felt so much out of himself.

As you might know, I think and keep my fave fictional characters as a friend. I do my best to show them kindness and respect. Well, now I thought that maybe I've done or think something which has been disrespectful towards Gan Ning and he did his best to keep distance on me. Or then he's trying to hint at me to back off... But at the same time he's a man who doesn't circle around. He says whatever needs to be said right at your face, so...

Well, one thought leas to another, increasing my fear, anxiety and sorrow - making me feel like I'm losing Verti all over again (Verti was my everything but so is Gan Ning). That mental and emotional pain is the worst, let me tell you. Finally all this crushed me so bad I started to cry in my pillow. Of course this also can be some influence of sleeping hell bad the last 3-4 nights and I'm just being tired and exhausted.

Plus it will be 2 years from Verti's death on 21th so... That's not helping.

[nei-ning]

THIS TURNED OUT SO GOOD THAT I CAN'T!! QAQ <3

I've been screaming, laughing, kicking and jumping and and and... covering my face in my hands like 100 times etc.! Took lots of work and reference BUT I feel SO FUCKING HAPPY! <3 AAAHH! <3 <3 <3

I, honestly, recommend EVERYONE to DRAW their fave(s) with 80's anime style! THAT is an experience! :D I want to draw more with this style, definitely!

Not 100% happy with the way I colored Gan Ning's hair BUT that's just something I need to improve. My issue is that I like to add TOO MUCH colors instead of keeping it simple :'D

[nei-ning]

It was only a colored sketch... until I got too excited with: "I'll just test how this looks... And this... And that..."

HOURS and BACKGROUND later, done! :D

I had so much fun - like always when drawing Gan Ning! <3 I always have the best time with him <3 Plus drawing him / spending time with him makes me think of Verti. I mean Verti WAS the LOVE of my LIFE and Gan Ning is RIGHT behind Verti. I have never love anyone else(s) the same way how I loved Verti, how I love Gan Ning.

[nei-ning]

Gan Ning from Dynasty Warriors Origins. Don't have the game (nor PS5) BUT someday! Hopefully :D

Took me hell lot of time to warm up to Gan Ning's new look (missing his caramel brown hair and hairless face) but now... I do like it - A LOT <3 I like how much expressions Koei has made characters have in DWO. Last time I saw this much expressions in DW6.

I also REALLY like the way how Hiroaki Miura speaks (Gan Ning's VA). He speaks slowly and often with same tone - and I've seen people (Americans) complain some about this, comparing Miura to GN's new English voice actor who, in my opinion, is overdoing his voice acting. Too energetic, too happy and loud etc. But that's American thing, isn't it? Put A LOT of emotions and volume in talking.

Japanese people are more like us Finns. Speak silently and calm, keep emotions under control. Do not be loud and disturb others etc. That's why I like Miura's way (and voice) because he speaks like a Finn :)