I loved your angst Jackson scenarios, can you do one with BM from Kard where his partner wants to break up with him but he's trying to prevent it but fails? Could be because he cheated or wasn't giving enough attention to them
Pleeeeaase and thank you
hey anon, thank you so much for reading and enjoying my stories - that means the world to me :)
you are the first request I ever had (yeyyyy) so I hope you like the story I came up with.
“Where does this train even go?”, he mumbled under his breath.
Head tilted; he was watching the worldly scenery vanish quickly in front of him. He found comfort in the rapid change outside as his thoughts were racing equally hasty. He hadn’t heard from you in weeks but still he couldn’t stop thinking about you.
He composed the memories of you the same way he composed his songs.
First, he imagined your breathtaking visuals: your bright eyes, your cute nose and sensuous lips. Then, he added the sounds of your cute laughter and silent gasps. And lastly, he imagined you saying the most beautiful words: I love you, Matthew. I can’t picture my life without you, you’re all I need. Thinking of you like that always filled his heart with the utmost love. The warm fuzzy feeling spread through his whole body, leaving him happy and fulfilled. That tender feeling didn’t last long though, as the most recent memories clouded his mind too soon. What started out as the loveliest tune turned into the most caustic remix. Now he saw your tearful eyes and worried frowns, heard your desperate screams and spiteful words and listened to you breaking up with him. Those warm and fuzzy feelings turned icy, numbing his whole body.
He took a deep breath. “Fuck, I miss her so much. What should I do?”, he muttered silently. Once again, he grabbed his phone and opened your chat. Your picture was still there. He felt the relief as he realized you had not deleted his number – maybe you missed him, too? Maybe you were looking at your phone and hoping for him to text you, too? Hyped up by his delusional fantasies he decided to text you.
Y/N… I miss you.
Eyes glued to his phone, not daring to even blink. His throat was dry, hands jittery and stomach tied into a knot. “She will answer, won’t she?” He gasped as he saw you typing. By now his heart was beating as fast as the train was going.
I miss you, too.
His eyes lit up as he processed those words.
You do?
Of course, I do. I think about you all the damn time.
Are you serious?
Yes. You wouldn’t believe how often I picked up my phone just to text you.
Yet you didn’t…
Yeah, I decided it was better not to.
Why?
I don’t know, I just felt like it wasn’t right.
It didn’t feel right? Texting me didn’t feel right?
He felt his blood boiling up again.
Yeah, to be honest I didn’t feel like you treated me well, so I backed off.
Oh, that’s funny of you to say. I felt the exact same way.
You did?
Yeah.. I really struggled those past few weeks.
I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, Matthew.
Why did you though?
Do you want me to be honest?
He had to think about that for a while. Did he want your honesty? BM often thought about the possible downfalls of your relationship. Did he spend too much time on his music? Did he spend too much time in the gym? Did he not make you feel loved? Did he not please you sexually? Was there someone else? He ruminated on all those questions countless times and never found an answer. So maybe it was time to finally reveal the truth.
Yes please.
When I first met you, I was head over heels in love with you. I know this sounds cliché but it’s true. I never met someone like you before. You showed me parts of you that I adored so much, and you also showed me new sides of myself that I got to love as well. I loved spending time with you. We always had a great time, didn’t we? Kissing you, hugging you, laughing with you, fucking you, talking about serious stuff with you – that all felt so comfortable. I knew that I didn’t want to be in a relationship when I met you but given the nature of all this, I changed my mind about it.
BM scoffed as he read the last sentence; the hurt of you dumping him still deeply ingrained in his heart.
You changed your mind about it? And yet you threw me away like I was garbage?
I can see why you would feel that way. But don’t you think you dumped me first?
NO?!
BM never had a heart attack, but this had to be it. What was that supposed to mean? “How the hell did I dump you first? I’ve been crying for weeks because you left me and now you have the guts to tell me I did that to myself?”, he was furious.
What the fuck do you mean?
Matthew.. Don‘t you think that you broke us up yourself?
Are you serious right now? No. No, I don‘t think that. At all. You abandoned me!!
You abandoned me long before I did. Has that ever occurred to you?
Well, enlighten me please, how did I do that, huh?
Weren’t you the one that decided that this relationship, this thing between us, could not work? Weren’t you the one that decided that it was doomed from the start? Weren’t you the one that declared that I was going to break your heart?
For a moment he forgot how to breathe. He stared at the screen, unable to answer, unable to process what was happening.
Weren’t you the one that got so much into your head and focused on your fears? Weren’t you the one that was dead set on me hurting you? Weren’t you the one distancing yourself because you were afraid?
Tears were forming in the corner of his eyes.
Weren’t you the one that was convinced that I wasn’t serious about you? Weren’t you the one thinking that I must be fucking dudes on the side and only be toying with you? Weren’t you so sure about me being an easy girl that simply fucks around? Did you honestly think I would not notice this?
By now it was hard to read the messages, tears completely clouding his vision. “I never said that to her, what the fuck. It’s… it’s like she saw right through me. She saw what I was thinking about her, about us. How is that possible? How did she grasp my fears like that?”
Y/N
I-
Matthew, I wanted to love you. I wanted to stay by your side and build this beautiful connection I thought we shared. But you painted me as the bad guy. You made me into this menace that only used you for sex. You saw me as someone taking advantage of you and that irked me. I got so disgusted by you, that’s why I left. It felt unfair – you took my beautiful love and turned it into something so ugly. What does that say about you?
BM wiped away his tears, pulling his black beanie further down. Shame was flooding his whole body now. He asked for honesty, and he got it, all of this was true. What kind of person was he? Why the fuck did he always assume the worst? Why was he always sabotaging love? Deep down he knew why but he never had the courage to share his dark fears with others. Would it have been different if he had shared it with you? He started typing his reply to you, being totally honest and transparent for a change.
Y/N, you are right. About everything. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I hurt you like that. I don’t know why I can’t stop doing that. I guess I’m just fucked up. I made horrible experiences in the past and got hurt, badly. I know I shouldn’t compare you to the girls I dated back then, honestly, I couldn’t even if I wanted to as they wouldn’t stand a chance. But the hurt they ingrained in me still lingers and that’s why I did that. I was afraid that you would break my heart. I was afraid that you would turn out like they did. I was afraid that this was too good to be true. And by fearing all that I created a monster. Out of myself and out of you. I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Deep down I know how wonderful you are – that’s the reason I fell in love with you. My fear made me see things that were not there and by doing that I pushed you away. I get that now. I guess you're right – I did abandon you first, even if it was only in my mind. But somehow you caught on to that and now you’re-
BM’s breath got stuck in his lungs as he noticed your picture disappearing. He didn’t have the chance to finish his side of the story as you finished it for him. “Gone”, was the last word he muttered before he deleted his whole paragraph and put away his phone. He stared out of the window again, lost in thought, wondering if he could ever change.
