#katrina writes

[ohmywhatamarvoloustune]

been facing lots of fears lately. Just pushing myself gently.

[ohmywhatamarvoloustune]

How You Disappeared

When I was younger/I wondered why/you wondered off

Took breaks and disappeared/For years and years

Now I'm here

Growing up now

Wondering how

You juggled everything

Being a person and a real human

and needing to give and create and excorcise fears

Create for the world/A honourable desire

I share

I used to wonder/Why artists I admired quit

Needed a break/needed some space

but now I know you're the lucky ones

but the world is so heavy to carry

but now I get it

You're name up in lights

but not forever, the new girls here

The future is bright, dazzling

But disappearing is fine

How you disappeared but I treasure you so

but now I know

now I hope you come back

when you're ready

but I've grown and now I know

It's harder then it appears to be all those things

and a real person too

How you disappeared but I'm here for you

when you're ready.

[ohmywhatamarvoloustune]

I'm the monster on the hill

knocking down buildings

actions have consequences

my shadow is long

they run away screaming

fear in their eyes

I take up too much space

and you choose this

and they run away screaming

and they run away screaming

@ttpdpoetryweek

(I'm obsessed with her visual about the monster on the hill ever since she blessed us with it. )

[ohmywhatamarvoloustune]

Can I change my answer. Can I change the question?

[ohmywhatamarvoloustune]

It's funny how scared this guy is of his own creation.....

[ohmywhatamarvoloustune]

Back on my bullshit again of splitting up all my pains into tiny little pieces to make it hurt less. Also it's easier to address each issue, seperately. Like Taylor does, when she's on top of her game, each feeling a seperate thing. Some of these things happened like twice. Don't piss off a creative person. You are so close to crossing the finish line, just do it.

[ohmywhatamarvoloustune]

Write a shitty poem a day!

wrote a shitty poem today

feels good feels natural

should get back into it

did my part, didn't fix everything

but at least, allowed my feelings to exist

outside my head, somewhere illiegible but it soothed me

write a shitty poem today!

[ohmywhatamarvoloustune]

Asking For Permission Never Works Out For Me-SHould have just asked him to kiss me.

I remember when I asked my mother for permission to date my crush twice, and she denied me and then I ignored her. No follow up questions, no ask for evidence, no curiousity.

Then gently, occasionally, and annoyingly hit on, flirted, sexy danced (slave 4 u dance), sent him a bunch of roses, sent him an email, tried to get him to say hi to me, like he did for a while (his finest 5 months), made him worried when I stopped making eye contact with him, moved my friends to be closer to him, sang happy birthday to him, sang a song I thought he would like, sang random songs to impress him. Just draw so much attention to myself so that he would be forced to talk to me. and other things I'm forgetting. Teased him for getting into trouble. So so close to getting it, but due to other reasons, very shy of just taking what I wanted.

Mostly trying to get a reaction out of him. Trying to make him come to me. Just say Hi, call me out for being a creep for sending all those damn roses in front all of his friends, say hey why don't we talk alone away from everyone, say hey why don't we hang out on the weekend remember when you said yes to a date, maybe tell me why he liked me in particular, Just anything at all. I even had a plan to get around my parents refusal to let me officially date.

And yeah, that would probably be sexual harasssment but I had proved in my own mind he liked me a bit. He like gently said, I love you to me, kissed me across a room, asking me to sit next to him and I nearly did. Looking worried when I stopped looking at him. Told everyone he liked. Sincere emotions now and again. Usual flirting. Little things like that. I had evidence. I did a study. Ordinarily, We flirt, we banter, we wind each other up. It a flirtationship at best. Not quite casual or serious friendship.

Then I quit, obviously he wasn't buying it, and finally got my right to date, dated a bunch of randoms. Got hit on at a bar, dated a guy after meeting a work, dated two people I knew for a year. One after the other. Just random nothings. Nothing happened. So meh.

And then eventually I ran into him again. Just sitting next to me, at a concert, and I thought I was out and freaked out a bit but was delighted. Now and again I see him. Sometimes even sitting next to or close to me. I'm okay embaressing myself to get his attention and I'll do it again but I wish he would do the same. Say Hi twice if I miss it, blush openly, do something sincere staring me right in the eyes. be okay sucking and being awkward, which is just part of the process of getting into someone's life, to me. You can't skip steps. I can't do everything myself and with aforementioned, ignoring my attempts to get him to talk to me. It's his turn to talk to me first, come to me first, say hi to me first, do it twice if I miss it, sit next to me wherever and say hi and this is me and things I like. Here's my number let's plan something together. Bring that weirdness I was told he had. Trust me a little. To attempt to get into someone's life involves a little risk and awkardness and I've been reminded of that watching Scrubs lately.

Just let it be weird dammit. Trust me with real things once a week. He was talking big game about things he wanted from me and one day I would like to honour some of those wants, but you know. you have to say Hi first. Say hi a bunch of times. Talk about casual and real things. Sit down for 15 minutes and figure things out. Have actual real life conversations. He's cute when he blushes and lets his guard down a little. Laughs first when he makes a mistake. Tells me how he really feels and I believe him. (and a lot of other reasons I like him) There are reasons I was so feverish about attempting to get him to come to me.

and obviously I was planning to officially talk about this entire experience proving he was doing it and letting him clarify events, but since he's giving me nothing to work with I have to expose myself now. Asking for permission never works out for me.

Don't hate on him on my behalf, don't focus on the time I didn't see him much, I'm socially weird and incompetent and tired I missed the cues to just join him in his group and many many many many friends. Give me grace for maybe being morally gray and doing so many things unofficially off the record. I respect he's trying but I need more. I see things I like all the time but I need more. I can't do it all myself since the aforementioned, ignoring me trying to him to say hi to me thing. It's time he did something about his feelings and faced his many many fears. Really committed to the bit. It can't be worst then living in a world I'm not sure he's even there. Stepping up to the plate and making it official instead of looking confused must be better. Saying hi through blushes. Trying again if I don't notice. All it starts with is "hi, do you remember me?". VOILA!