You know… even when you’re at your lowest, your dog is still going to be there to love you. (And so will your cat, or your horse… or your bird/reptile/rodent, whatever companion animal you may have)
They just know how to be there when you’re falling apart.
I’ve been having a really hard time lately, because this time of year is kind of consumed by grief for me. I’ve lost more people and animals between the months of January-April than I think should be possible, and Gavin, my best friend of 15 years, will have been gone for a year this month. It’s honestly at a point where I’ve been borderline suicidal, (to be clear I do not plan to leave this world nor have I attempted it in or plan to attempt it) but the thoughts just refuse to go away, and it’s been this way since I was 14… and I just get so tired of my own head making so much trouble, when it seems like other people don’t have this as a problem. . .
I ended up sobbing on the couch in my living room earlier today, because everything in my life feels like it’s falling apart. I graduated college and learned that I don’t even know myself, I’m 8 hours away from one of my best friends after 4 years of living together and 4 hours away from my other best friend that I lived with for 2 years…
I’m 22 and I feel like I have no time to get my shit together. It feels like I have a ticking timer for a bomb just rapidly tapping out the time I have left, as if once it goes off I’ll end up dead from the gallows.
I didn’t get into vet school and it’s been my dream since I was six years old, and to be honest, some days (okay; most days ) as of lately, I’ve just felt like giving up on that dream. It feels like nothing will ever get better and the ‘end goal’ for staying alive just always seems to merely get bumped up another few years. First it was 17, then it was 22, and now it’s 26.
It’s like walking around with this soul sucking pit right behind you, day after day, even though you do your best to ignore it.
(And god, I know that there are people far worse off than me, and I know that if I were in a position to, I would try and do my damndest to help them out. Because I’ve been there too… but I suppose this is my way of helping, just writing down what I’m dealing with because it might help someone else that needs to hear this.)
But I just wanted you all to know that in the middle of sobbing for thirty minutes, my dogs climbed up on the couch and started licking me, trying to get me to play with them. And when Bandit realized that I didn’t want to move, he shoved my phone out of my hand with his nose, and he laid down on my lap and chest to get me to try and ground myself… and he took a nap while I cried petting him.
And I just thought to myself, you know, I would really miss this… and I started bawling again, because that might have been one of the first genuinely positive thoughts I’ve had in over six months.
I really don’t know what humans did to deserve dogs and cats, but I’m really glad that companion animals exist because things may not be perfect, but at least my dogs and cats and horses (and chickens) still love me enough to have me around.
Honestly, I seriously, normally will not post this sort of thing, but just in case anyone else is struggling, you’re not alone 💛 (and I know if you’re struggling and reading this, you might be sick of hearing that… but coming from someone else who is absolutely going through it… We’re gonna be okay. Even if it sucks right now, even if you don’t want to be here, eventually we’ll be better… baby steps 💕)
And sometimes one positive thing can make it suck less… it won’t fix it, and everything may still be shitty, but it might suck less and your pet still loves you no matter what.
