SHOULD SHE FEEL BAD ? there is something that sits almost like guilt in between her ribs, but it weighs far less. this is wrong, tamsin thinks, because she should not feel this relief about her sister’s departure.
she does not want to admit that maybe it’s like she’s already gone.
tamsin’s knuckles turn white in the attempt to calm herself. this was not always a challenge — she still remembers a time where she could share a laugh with nikita and it would not hurt. there had been a time where they fought without claws and tami could smile about it afterwards without bloodied teeth.
you’re still waiting for your salvation.
it is foolish to hold on to memories for too long. they used to mould themselves into nightmares — her mother always the monster underneath her bed. she would be buried in her sister’s garden where no one could hear her pleas for help, and she’d awake in the mornings feeling the exact same. it is not like this anymore. tamsin doesn’t need anyone. tamsin does certainly not need her sister.
( golden girl, this is your chance. spread your wings and learn to soar. bury your bitterness, you don’t need it anymore. you are used to falling, aren’t you ? always because of her. )
would she ? would she fly either way ? was this not, somehow also, self-sabotage ? tamsin sits on it before she can meet her sister’s hues, the color they both bear so well, but only one of them with pride. nikita deserves this — she deserves what she has worked for, and tami can acknowledge that. she had just always hoped she would be standing next to her rather than behind her when her sister conquered the world.
( smart girl, this is your opportunity. out of your sister’s shadow. out of the cold. you are used to sacrifices, aren’t you ? all of them for her. )
there is an eternity in the moments that pass as tami fumbles for words. they don’t have this time — they are already out of it. this is a tightrope none of them know how to walk. she can watch nikita leave irreversibly and would that not be the biggest sacrifice of all ?
you waited all this time for this ?
« wait. »
i don’t know how to tell you. out of everyone, losing you hurt the most and it was never your fault. i know it wasn’t, but please don’t blame me for being bitter. i swear i’m trying. but i was a ghost that none of you cared to bury and i was in so much pain, sister — you will not believe the amount of tears i shed in silence. i still do, when i know no one’s watching. i’m fighting wars alone and i’m losing all of them. i just wanted a sister. that was all i ever wanted.
