#kdn_writings

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

menuju kerikil

—

waktu terus melangkah.

diriku terkuras.

menjadi kecil,

kecil,

dan kecil.

menuju kerikil.

karena tingkah,

karena ucapan,

karena dingin,

—mu.

bingung. bertanya-tanya.

pengakuan apa yang ingin kamu peroleh?

di luar dari dirimu?

di luar dari hubungan ini?

di luar dari diriku?

memang, bisa saja.

membuat waktu hentikan langkahnya.

agar aku tak lagi terkuras

dan berhenti menuju kerikil.

tapi, aku hanyalah manusia.

yang mencintai cinta

dan ingin memahami.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

b E nT

—

I didn’t understand what I saw.

I didn’t understand what I heard.

So I spoke.

Your reply—a quiet sting, twisting my story, brittle air—

makes me understand it even less.

I crave, I hunt,

I wander through every memory—

to understand.

I yearn, I dig,

I don’t give up looking for answers—

to understand.

I contemplate it,

I analyze it,

I make assumptions—

to understand.

The mind is overloaded.

The mind is exhausted.

The mind is b E nT

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

Picturesque Being is Your Inner Essence of Soul, to Yourself First

—

Pretty deer, your selfless is good-hearted. The way you think about others is benevolent. Desiring to stroke their hair and say, “It’s going to be okay.” Frightened they would feel lost, with diminished hope, and alone with no one to care.

You might embody the kindness of selflessness, but to bloom is to pour love into yourself. Caring for oneself radiates warmth that will thrive eternally. Nothing would wreck or despair an unyielding, graceful self.

A captivating, serene epitome; it's you. Who gives love to oneself and to those who need. It comes naturally. It comes adequately. If you give it to yourself—first.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

i will remind you

dozens of things out there

that you haven’t seen and heard

that you haven’t touched and tasted

it’s a big world

with a curse for us being too small

don’t be gone just yet

let us see you in another day

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

A Pain and A Beauty

—

Sweet memories with a touch of insanity.

Love does make you crazy. Hope it’s only the case of a first love, hazy.

Fully accepted that it takes two to tango—no one is the devil, nor is anyone the saint.

Lesson is very much learned. Not a single regret. Admiring every fragments of it, yes, let’s choose a mature approach, buddy.

Predominantly, was wrecked by the short span, annoyed by the distance, and stressed by the inability to do anything. Deeply wounded.

Wish we were side by side. It might work; oh, the Universe is such a trickster.

It is both a beauty and a pain—forming precious lessons. Let me sit and practice the art of relinquishing.

À dieu vous commant, dearest first love.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

I want to hug my little self and say sorry to her.

All she ever wanted was to be held.

Her heart smiles every time someone talks to her.

She knows her shyness and quietness push people away.

She daydreams a lot and longs for love.

I can’t fulfill her wishes. I am sorry..

I hope my little self knows that I love her so much.

I want her to be happy, but I’m only capable of wiping her tears.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

He's so in love with the past,

he keeps clutching it.

While the horizon kisses between skies,

the water flows into equilibrium,

the leaves outgrow the sanctuary,

he stays the same.

The one he loves had gone,

never look behind,

even—never look at him.

The universe told him, "She never liked you, and will not. She will despised you for your ignorance."

But he keeps standing on the same spot.

Expecting miracles to happen,

expecting good things to come

—if he dearly waits for his love.

Oh, the lunacies.

While she seeks the paradise,

he waits for the doom.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚙𝚝. 𝟸 — Valuation Based on Numbers is a Suckass Dogma

These simple lines that form as something that we called "numbers" have—paradoxically—the authority to be a standard that could define us. If you're someone who has achieved a high amount of accomplishment academically since you were young, wherever you go, people will always bring it up to praise you and see you as a person with quality.

But, what if it's someone without any academic achievements? Would people see this person as someone with quality? Or would they even describe the person as "smart"?

What I'm trying to imply is that society is too easily perceives these individuals as ideal, remarkable, or highly esteemed solely based on the "numbers" they possess; the amount of money they have, their followers on social media, the trophies they accumulate, and the power they wield in politics. But they wouldn't take any interest and see people who own "low / bad numbers" as valuable. Remember Black Mirror's Nosedive? I hope our society will never become like that.

Have you experienced a time in childhood when you always hid your exam results from your mom when you got bad grades? Because you were scared of getting spanked, or it felt like proof that you were stupid, so you just wanted to get rid of it? As you get older, I hope you finally realize that the number on that piece of paper doesn't define you at all. You might suck at Math, but that doesn't mean you're stupid, right? People can be smart at other things, not just academics.

And then... The number on your weight scale. Phew, this is like your ultimate enemy. Especially if you're a girl. Every time you meet your relatives or your mother's friends, they always commented on your body. "Oh, you gain weight" or "Wow, you look skinnier." Since you're a kid, you always think that there's a certain weight number that defines you as beautiful. But, believe me, that kind of thought is absolutely wrong and only damages your self-worth. I hope this primitive way of thinking could be eradicated, and people should stop commenting on young girls' bodies. Yes, I'm referring to those Asian aunties. They are adults, they should be wiser with their words.

It's bonkers that you are valuing someone by their "numbers." Numbers could fluctuate. They cannot be use as a measurement to value a person. You cannot base your judgment of a person purely on numbers. Their weight, their height, their monthly salary, their number of friends—you shouldn't even determine your partner's love based on the number of gifts they give you.

These simple lines that form as something that we called "numbers" is domineering the society—in a subtle way. It's funny, yet also saddening, to see people racing to achieve high "numbers" to be seen as valuable. Yes, we live in a materialistic world, it's a part of civilization. But there's a philosophical viewpoint that contradicts the existence of numbers as societal norms; Nihilism. Should we learn about Nihilism? And would it be a solace from this demanding world of ours?