I think the influx of my anxiety around talking about my gender to my new friends has to do with the fact this is the first group of friends in a while that i've made thay are ALL cis-gender. As in, I am the only trans person in this friend group.
They use a lot of gendered language. "Hey girlie!! Hey ladieeesss (including me) GIRL!!! this and that" which to be fair I think "girl" has become neutral like "dude" and "man" in certain contexts. For example "dude that sucks" or "oh man im fuckin tired" vs "that dude/man over there". And for girl "GIRL what you doin?! " vs "that one girl did xyz." But like regardless, we can still preferred not to be called gendered language even if someone else uses it in a neutral way!!
But anyways! Nothing inherently wrong IMO with gendered language, I think it would be *nice* and super cool if people normalized asking pronouns rather than assuming "looks like a woman, therefore she/her" !! BUT I DO NOT THINK THEY ARE TRANSPHOBIC OR EVIL FOR IT!! Possibly a bit uneducated/unfamiliar with things they personally do not have to deal with or be aware of, because they are cis!
Meanwhile, my previous friends were more one-on one and almost all of them are Trans. So naturally, they ask for pronouns, they ask questions about gender, and I built friendships with people I didn't even have to think twice about. I was never misgendered because they ALWAYS asked. I have it real good with them.
AND my new friends are not bad! It's giving me an opportunity to understand the sentiment "are you really healed, or are you in an environment that you arent being triggered?" For a while, I NEEDED the safety of never worrying that my friends were going to trigger me about my gender. I was recovering from deeeeeply tramatic and dangerous experiences when I first came out. As well as my permanent ongoing chronic health issues. I deserved to have one less thing to worry about. And its crucial for my health to reduce stress and anything that increases cortisol.
But now I have an opportunity to get even more brave. I DO have the strength to 1. Have the conversation with these new friends and 2. Handle the heartbreak/stress if they do start treating me different in a negative way. I have preferred pronouns but it doesnt mean tip toe around me, Infantalize me, treat me like im gonna lash out, profusely say im sorry omg sorry sorry everytime you accidentally use my non preferred pronouns, treat me like im insane, or sick, or fragile, or make me comfort you when you misgender me because "you're one of the good cis people". (They are all online so physical violence is thankfully not something I have to worry about. Unlike when I first came out, the Trans and Gay Panic Act was still in effect, and someone could have murdered me and plead insanity because "they lost their mind" after I revealed I was trans.)
NONE of those negative outcomes could happen. Some or all of them also could. There is no guarantee..... but there is always a risk. Hiding and not speaking out comes with risk, opening up comes with risk... that's just life, right? And we have every right to chose for ourselves what risks we are willing to take.
And for the record, no trans person ever needs to be friends with cis people just to prove how strong and healed they are. I certainly dont and im not doing it for those reasons. I just happened to have friends that showed me, wow, I really lived in my own little bubble (nothing wrong with that) and never had to think about things in the context of my community. I felt strong and capable and free WITHIN MY COMMUNITY. And I also deserve to feel strong and capable and free with my new friends even though I am the only trans person in the group. I feel as though they are not my community, because of how often I am grouped in as one of the "ladies". So either talking to them will help me feel more comfortable within the friend group, or it will show me that these particular people are not compatible with my wants and needs. And if I so chose to just make friends with other trans people because I love my community, that's fine and I have the right! It isnt out of trauma, or spite, or eco chambers, but because we do deserve the warmth, love, peace, and safety of friends who just GET it.
Sometimes I wish I just didn't care, that pronouns and gendered language didnt bother me... but honestly thats internalized shame and I do not need to be model minority for anyone. Trans people Including myself deserve all the respect no matter how specific or complex their identities and preferred pronouns are.
This whole situation is caling in for strength and im pretty much alone in it? I guess I could lean on my other friends that are Trans. Object permanence (sp? That word looks wrong? Idk im having information processing issues as well I guess. Fuckin luteal phase making my auDHD worse than it normally is) BUT ANYWAYS since I talk to my new cis friends all the time now I have not been talking to my trans friends as often so im having some object permanence going on and forgot until just now that I could just reach out to them lol 😆
Leaning on people is hard in so many wayyyssss!!! I got this im doin fuckin great. Bye for now! Only personal tags for this one. Because reasons.