Choosing a Chair for Your Lair: A Supervillain's Guide to Interior Decorating
Being a supervillain is already tough, so when it comes to choosing the right furniture for your underground super-cave, the last thing you need is a headache! But you can’t compromise quality, either: an appropriately intimidating lair is an essential weapon in your arsenal… and you can always use more weapons!!! Fear not (haha, leave that up to the humans!); follow these proven tips for a lair that can’t compare.
-High ceilings are impressive, but are they YOU? Consider opting for a lower roof: what it lacks in drama, it makes up for for in its ability to make your guests collapse in a claustrophobic panic! Pick whichever strategy is most complementary to your superpowers and PR image.
*swoon*
-You say, “I will destroy the world with my death-ray,” but your three-legged stool says, “I’m a joke.” A high-back chair is a MUST. However, don’t underestimate how long it’ll take to assemble; settle for something reasonable so your dwarf-slaves don’t over-exert themselves.
-Yes, standing desks are a hot item, but don’t give in to temptation; you need to be able to swivel around to face new captors, and you can’t do that without a rotating chair and/or dais! While we’re on the subject of dramatic entrances, remember: rising on a platform through the floor is a definite no-no; what is this, 1987??
-Comfort, comfort, comfort. If it’s not right for your body, it’s not right for you. Flourishing your cape while shrieking, “UNLEASH THE HOUNDS!” loses its panache if you throw out your back in the process. Plus, you can’t single-handedly colonize Australia with a bad back! Not cute.
-The Golden Rule of interior decorating applies to your lair: less is more. Leave the decadent set pieces (rockets, etc) in your dining room. For maximum effect, your lair should be an oasis of simplicity. A Shaker style, for example, is timeless.
-You want your den to say, “I can have fun,” without saying, “I’m weak.” No problem! A sensible recliner will have you ‘chillin like a villain’ in no time! Note: no bean bag chairs under any circumstances. This is not a progressive elementary school.
Home sweet home!
-If you, like so many before you, have chosen to build your lair in the middle of an active volcano, be sure to capitalize on your natural surroundings. You’ve already gone to the trouble of settling in a place completely inhospitable to all life forms, so you may as well cash in on the drama of this one-of-a-kind setting! Need I say more? We’ve all seen The Incredibles(the ending is so sad ☹).
-When looking for popular landmarks to burglarize, remember: Art Deco is OUT. So if you’ve had your eye on the Chrysler Building, consider The Met as a fun and flirty alternative.
-“Archenemy?” More like, “Sharks are for the peasantry!” These water-dinosaurs are considered medieval for a reason: they suck! Not cost-effective, and you’ll have to steal a reef just to make them feel at home in your moat — oh, brother! -Establishing your elevated status is of primary concern. If you aren’t High Overlord of your own lair, then your Journey of Rightful Vengeance is over before it’s even begun. I can’t say it enough: pedestals, pedestals, pedestals. Pier One (the furniture store, not AquaBrain’s hideaway on New York City’s Pier #1, haha) has a great selection of styles at an affordable price.
Use these slick techniques to get your décor in line with your malevolent ways! Once your cave of torment reflects your goals, you can stop stressing about it and move onto more important things, like keeping Shamu in his tank where he belongs.
C/O: Ryan + Esocoff.