It's funny how I stumbled across your blog. Recently I've been praying to God about my disgusting, shameful past. I know by His Grace we're forgiven, but truthfully, it's not about accepting his forgiveness, the problem is forgiving myself. When you let your mum's brother sexually abuse you at 5 repeatedly without reporting, you start asking yourself, was it actually abuse? Didn't you know what you were doing? That's why you didn't report after all... Then there was the 'adopted' boy who
(cont) …also got his fairshare, it’s like I was destined to be sexually targeted by such people. Then we got a houseboy who made an attempt, I reported him to the maid and that was theend of that. But once that all stopped, I guess I felt lonely and one way orthe other masturbation came into play. I struggle with that till today. I’vedone so much more horrible stuff, even though I’m writing anonymously it’s tooshameful to say. I don’t know who to tell..”
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Darling, I am so gratefulto you for your transparency with this. This is where healing begins. The veryfirst thing I want to tell you is that God’s love for you is so great it brokeme tonight. I could not take it, and I wept. It is so powerful. I don’t evenknow you but I know He really does love you, and He knowsevery single thing you have done. If God can love you, can you trust Him toteach you to love yourself?
From today, I want you tobelieve God when He says that you are His.You do not belong to those men. You do not even belong to yourself. You belong to the same Godthat causes the wind and waves to roar, the same God of the hurricane, and of thethunder. The same God who paints the daybreak and the sunset, the One that cradlesthe sun and carries the universe. He is Who you belong to, andthat will always be one of the most powerful truths you can encounter in yourlife. The moment you begin to declare who you are in God (i.e. HIS), is the moment you will be set freeand healed from this pain and everything that binds you. You need to realize who you are.
Identity is the firstthing the enemy confuses within us. Because one who is aware of who God saysthey are, is powerful indeed. And that power destroys evil. It bringslight.
Here are just a few verses from the Bible about who you are:
1. You are crowned with glory and honour.
When I look at your heavens, the work of yourfingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man thatyou are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than theheavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.
2. You arefrom God and are victorious in all things because of Him
Little children, you are from God and haveovercome them, for he who is in you isgreater than he who is in the world.
3. You have hope of a future that will be so much better thanyour past.
Youshall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, anda royal diadem in the hand of your God.You shall no more be termed Forsaken, andyour land shall no more be termed Desolate,but you shall be called My Delight Is inHer, andyour land Married;for the Lord delights in you, andyour land shall be married.
4.You are no longer condemned for the wrongs you have done. Condemnation is the act of declaringsomething awful or evil. Therefore, you are not awful and you are not evil.
There is therefore now no condemnation for thosewho are in Christ Jesus.
5. You are no longer a slave to sin, but a childof God.
So you are nolonger a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made youalso an heir.
There’s a powerful song called ‘NoLonger Slaves” out now and you should listen. Here, darling. Sing your freedom.
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Now, does any of that sounddifferent to things you currently believe about yourself? Listen, I believeGod is calling you to a new chapter in your life. He led you to pray about yourpast and to find this blog because it is your time to discover Him radicallyand powerfully. It is evidence that God is already involvedin your life and is with you just as you are in this moment. He caresso deeply for you and He wants to save you. Yes, especially from your self.
Call to Him and let yourself belain bare.
For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lordwill be saved.”
No more hiding, no moreholding on to your shame and your past. As disgusting or as shameful as you think/say it is,there is nothing God cannot turn around in your life to bring Him glory. Nothing.The weaker you have been, the stronger He will be in your life. That is my testimony. And you know something? Someof what you tell yourself now…I used to say some of those things as well. I’d askmyself, ‘was it really abuse?’ ‘didn’t you know what you were doing?’ And this:
‘[It’s like] I wasdestined to be sexually targeted by such people.’
I remember the day thatlie came into my head. I was 12. I remember how it slithered its way into mymind and refused to leave.
I remember how, I let the lie teach me who I was.
Iremember that I retreated deeply within myself over the months and years tofollow, and even when an uncle’s hands started to wander I began to accept thatlie as an excuse for his behavior.
It is absurd and it is alie. It is time to know this:
It was not your fault.Those people were all meant to protect you and they failed.
Your destiny does not liein the sin. Neither does it lie in the weaknesses of other people.
Repeat this to yourself.Speak it out loud. Write it down. As often as you need, until you can acceptit. Nothing you have done can ever separate you from the love of Godin Jesus.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angelsnor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will beable to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus ourLord.
Honey, the third part of your questiondidn’t come through. And I want to know, do you knowGod? Not have you heard about Him/prayed to Him before/known of Him/been tochurch. Do you know Him like youwould a close family member? The only peace I have ever found, the only joy I have ever carried came after I gavemy life to Jesus 5 years ago. I have and still am fighting some battles andsome misperceptions I had of myself and of God, don’t get me wrong. But He isteaching me so much. He truly is a loving Father, and He is patient. It might take you a moment or it might take you years to realise that God is notlike the men who have hurt you. But you will get there. He will never ever hurt you. Will you choose totrust Him with your life today? Will you give Him the parts of yourself youstill cannot forgive yourself for? Email me if you are ready. From personal experience, I know thatself-forgiveness can only come after you choose to stop focusing on yourselfand what you did, and instead choose to focus on Christ and who He is. Becausewhen you focus on Christ, you see who you have the power to be and that includes the power to be thoroughly forgiven by your self.
Know this, you are worth something.A treasure in His eyes. Throw your past at Him. All of it. From the beginning. And He will make you into a new creation!
Therefore,if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:The old has gone, the new is here!
And I raise my hand to that verse in agreement. I am nothing like I was 5 years ago.
This is it. Shake off everything youbelieve about yourself and start from scratch. Let Him rebuild you, and trust this promise that He has been and will be with you all the way;
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, forI am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you withmy righteous right hand.
Email me:[email protected] or you can ask again via tumblr if it’s easier for you. I will be praying for you, my precious sister.
You can overcome. & The next time there is the temptation to masturbate, speak who you are out loud. Shout it if you must. And believe Him this time.
