Cisco knew that joining Stargate Command was going to be interesting, to say the least. And he knew, furthermore, that joining the Atlantis expedition was going to be a new level of weird, in another galaxy. But having Doctor Snow hate his guts, for no apparent reason? He didn’t expect that.
AN: This is for the prompt “Canon Divergent.” It worked out fantastically, because I’ve wanted to write a fic like this for years, since season 3, and I finally did. It’s just over 1k words of pure, concentrated angst.
Warning: Major Character Death
Cisco had never felt more powerless in his life than he did in that instant. Nothing, not even the time he died, could rival the feeling of despair and hopelessness that weighed upon him now. In fact, he’d rather be in that moment, seeing the hateful eyes of someone he trusted, respected, admired. He’d rather feel the betrayal, the fear for his own life. He’d rather breathe his last breath, than watch as she breathed hers. He’d rather have his heart ripped apart by an speedster’s hand than by her death. She was his best friend, and he’d rather it be him than her.
But that didn’t change anything. Caitlin was still dying on that table, and there was nothing he could do, nothing anyone could do to stop it.
Julian thought differently. He was going directly for Caitlin’s necklace, the only barrier between her and Killer Frost.
Instinctively, Cisco shot a blast of energy at him. Julian went flying back into the wall. It was more force than Cisco intended. Actually, he hadn’t intended to use his powers at all. He hadn’t thought about it. It was just a desperate, reflexive move.
“That’s not what she wanted!” was all Cisco could manage to say.
“I don’t care,” Julian retorted, gathering himself. But Cisco can hear the defeat in his voice. He won’t try it again.
There’s no relief in that. Even though it was on her terms, Caitlin was still gone. Cisco’s entire world was spinning. He felt like he was in limbo. And the only person who could make it stop, his only touchstone– she was dead. There was no fixing this.
The tears came freely now, almost entirely obscuring his vision. Cisco walked over to Caitlin. He picked up her hand. It was cold. Like Killer Frost. He had felt her fingers warm and full of life only minutes earlier when he had passed her her jello. He’d never have guessed it at the time, but eating Caitlin’s strawberry jello would remain one of the biggest regrets of his life.
Cisco drew her hand closer to him, holding it in both of his. It’s a silent prayer for her to return to him. It doesn’t work. Cisco knew it wouldn’t. If loving people could will them back from the dead, Dante would still be here. So would Ronnie, the Allens, Francine…
Julian keeps his distance. Good. Cisco can’t pretend he doesn’t want that. That he didn’t feel hurt being forced to distance himself from his best friend because of someone they’d practically just met. No matter how Julian felt about Caitlin.
Cisco can’t pull himself from Caitlin’s side. And though he knows it won’t happen, part of him hopes that she’ll wake up at any moment. Or that Barry would erase this timeline forever. But that won’t happen.
Hours pass, and Cisco won’t let anyone else pull him from Caitlin’s side either. Julian didn’t even make an attempt after what had happened earlier. After a while he just left. H.R. was, for once, speechless, though nothing he could say would have swayed Cisco anyway.
Barry tried. He tried talking to him, but he didn’t get it. Not at first. Cisco had yelled at him.
“Remember when you saw Iris die in the future? Remember how you felt? That’s how I feel. Only I don’t get a chance to stop it. And I don’t get a chance to go back in time and fix it now that the damage is done.”
Barry seemed to, perhaps for the first time, realize then what Caitlin had meant to Cisco. He instantly deflated. He couldn’t think of any reason for Cisco to pick himself up and go on living, because if it were Iris, he wouldn’t be able to find a reason for himself to.
Iris, in the end, is the only one to get through to Cisco. She told him that Caitlin wouldn’t want him to destroy himself over her. And she’s right, so, reluctantly, he lets her go.
Her funeral passes in a blur. There are so many people there that didn’t care. Not like they should have. Including her mother. Cisco can see that Dr. Tannhauser is upset, but she’s keeping her composure. She should be distraught. It’s Dr. Tannhauser who gives the eulogy. She shouldn’t have been give the honor. She barely knew Caitlin anymore. Cisco was the first choice for it, naturally. He refused because he knew he couldn’t even say her name anymore without completely falling apart.
As they lowered her into the ground, he wished he too could be swallowed by the earth. His heart was already down there with Caitlin. Cisco wondered who he’d have to kill to get one of the burial plots next to hers.
One by one, the mourners began to disperse. Joe was holding a wake at the West household. Cisco told his friends not to wait up. Eventually, he’s alone at her grave. Cisco places the strawberry jello he brought amidst the flowers. He didn’t eat it all this time. He wouldn’t dare. Cisco can’t bring himself to say anything. So he sits and cries at her headstone.
In the coming weeks, he does his beast to help in the fight against Savitar. He does. He doesn’t want to loose Iris, too. He doesn’t want Barry to feel the pain he feels. He wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy. But he’s not as quick witted as he once was. He can’t bring himself to eat, to sleep, most of the time. And he’s always been a part of “Cisco and Caitlin.” He can’t seem to figure out how to function as just Cisco. He can’t even figure out how to cope. Their only hope against Savitar is that not having Killer Frost has critically damaged his plan.
Nothing can any of his friends say can console him. Nor can anything his parents can say. Nor Armando. The only reason he manages to pull himself through each day is because its what Caitlin would have wanted. And he could never deny her anything.
He goes to her grave as often as he can. He talks to her as if she can hear him. She never replies. It still gives him comfort to be near her. Even now. Even like this.
He’s come to terms with the fact that even without her here, he’ll never free himself of “Caitlin and Cisco.” He doesn’t want to anyway.
#project hail mary
#the amazing digital circus
#photography
