#kim feels

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god I'm so fucking stupid

how am I allowed to survive

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Today I went to the dentist for the first time in like ten years. 

I need 15 fillings and two of my wisdom teeth pulled. *cries*

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*sinks into blanket*

*sinks into mattress*

*sinks into floor*

*sinks into The Earth* 

*sinks into the spiritual realm*

*whispers* Shhhh I'm not here.

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A little kimfeels rant about my day:

I read an entire book today, which would usually make it a good day, but my grandmother made it so that didn't happen. 

I was already pretty down, been down the past few days and trying to fight through it. Today was a huge isolation day and I hate those, but talking to anyone on these days sort of feels like my eyes rubbing sandpaper, or a really intense, abrasive itch just under my skin. 

So I read a book, did some no-stress crafts. And then I happened to remember that we had bought some freezer food last time we went grocery shopping, so I went to the kitchen hopeful to get something to eat. 

Brief history with me and food (spanning the past six months or so): I don't eat. I have to be forced to eat when I do. This usually results in really low blood sugar which combines with my low bloodpressure (which can both be attributed to my meds) and makes me all sorts of horrible feeling. But that's my personal vice in depression: not eating. Taking care of my body is too much work pretty much all the time. 

Curiously, showering is not an issue. Go figure. 

In any case, I eat maybe twice a day, and it's small portions. Earlier, right after I got up (in the late afternoon because I can no longer sleep at night), my mother cooked dinner because by doing this she feels better about me eating and thinks that she can get me to eat. It works sometimes. 

So prior to me going to freezer, I had eaten like a spoonful of mashed potatoes and half a small chicken-fried steak. I saw that there were about five toquitos left so I put them on a plate to microwave. 

Which is when my grandmother came in and asked me what I was making. Now, brief background about my grandmother: she eats. Everything. In sight. We have to hide food from her, because if we don't we'd be out of a month's worth of groceries in a week. She gets home-delivered meals and throughout the day usually visits the kitchen at *least* twice an hour. It's disgusting to watch her devour everything. This is relevant, I swear. 

I told her what I was making, and that I'd forgotten that we had them, and she goes, "Oh, that's why they lasted so long." Upon looking at her for clarification, she goes, "Well, you usually eat them all, so." 

I just. Wow. And you wonder why I don't eat? I have my own grocery money that I spend on my own groceries specifically so I'm not eating stuff that's meant for her, because I don't want to deal with her making me feel bad for eating. And this is when my mom comes in and is like, "excuse me?" because since I've been sick my mother's been my defender for the most part, and grandma tells her "well, when we were in the store you were complaining that you never get any because Kim eats them all."

Okay, um. What?

I sort of just stood there, and made my food, and slunk off to my room. 

Mom came in about fifteen minutes later and was *pissed* that she'd said that, because apparently my mother never said that I ate them all, and she even defended that I barely eat when she's forcing food at me, why would I eat all of the frozen stuff? In any case, I cried and spent the rest of last night sort of numb, and now I've got a raging case of the "i'm a terrible person why don't they just allow me to not exist", which happens more frequently than I care to admit. 

tl;dr: my grandmother is hurling lies and insults at me about something that SHE DOES. I'm going to go lay down and read because I'm not allowed to stop existing so what else can I do?

Ahem. Sorry for the feels rant. I had to get this off my chest.

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I'm sorry if you're tired of my mental issues and want to unfollow - go right ahead. Better to do it now than feel boxed into a situation later when you find out you don't like me and don't want to hurt my feelings or something. I'm not getting better.

I hate myself and I can't stop crying about everything. It's being in a room with someone you despise enough that you're skin's crawling, but the only person I hate that much is myself. I can't leave the room. I have to sit there and deal with it, and maintain this body, and I absolutely hate it. 

I'm sorry, I'm. I'm not okay. I don't think I'll be sleeping any time soon.

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jynxwrites said: :| did the doc who prescribe it know about the antidepressants your on? cuz if so i’d say its safe…

Yeah, she prescribed both. But she also routinely ignores my symptoms and hounds me about doing things that I am not recovered enough to be doing. So I'm in the market for a new psychiatric nurse. But in any case, I think I know it's safe, I just. Worry about the side-effects and how I'll react to it. I hate the idea of being drugged. 

dianalunae said: Have you discussed the sedative with the doctor who prescribed it? If you have concerns you might even be okay talking with a nurse practitioner or a pharmacist or something, just to assure yourself of the safety of taking it.

I haven't had a chance to go back and see her. She's kind of bull-headed about this type of thing (she's also the one that made me sob uncontrollably the first time I saw her because she was being super insensitive to my situation and was like, "well, you're gonna have to pay for something, you can't just get everything for free" when I couldn't afford to get my meds right away). I wasn't thinking clearly this morning when I was thinking about it, but I totally should talk to someone before taking it. 

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I'm so tired but I cannot sleep for the life of me. It's like my brain is... buzzing, and I'm so frustrated and I just want to sleep. 

I'm considering taking one of the sedatives I was prescribed, because I'm frustrated to the point of crying about it and they were prescribed to me so maybe it's okay? But at the same time, I read online that my specific sedative doesn't work like any other drugs on the market, and that there have been cases of serotonin syndrome reported with it being used in conjunction with my anti-depressant. 

... also that this sedative is also used as an antidepressant and I don't know if I should be dosing up like that? 

I just want to sleep. :(

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I'm seeing a bunch of people from my freshman year of college graduate this month, and it's hitting me hard. It's not that I want to graduate, it's just that I miss my freshman year. 

The whole experience of college was all shiny and new. Surrounded by people just as lost as I was, new friends who got me into bunches of things I wouldn't be otherwise, learning to deal with situations I'd never encountered before... and staying out in the dorm lobby until 2am playing Apples to Apples with a group of (mostly) complete strangers. 

Breathing in the smell of the first lecture hall I stepped into for the first time. Wandering around the Bookstore in awe of the fact that it didn't sell just books. Even arguing with the financial aid office and getting sick from campus food.

I don't know if I would go back to that time specifically, I just want to recreate it, you know?