Grimmjow to the Soul King: how to make Ichigo fall in love with you
As requested by, well, the king-of-souls. :)
"So, 'your majesty,' I hear that you have a major hard-on for Kurosaki. That's frankly a little weird, but whatever. I'm apparently working for you good guys right now, so I thought I'd give you some advice. I've spent a lot of time with Kurosaki, and I have some tips about how to make him fall for you the way you want."
1. Be clear. Very, very clear.
"First of all, and I cannot emphasize this enough - DO NOT FLIRT WITH KUROSAKI. He will not understand. The guy gets fighting well enough, but anything love-related is a huge fucking mystery to him. So don't dance around your intentions. Don't drop hints. Don't punch him in the same place as your hollow hole thinking he'll figure it out. Just tell him, in as clear as language as possible, that you are in love with him. Otherwise, he will never, ever figure it out."
2. Speak in a language he understands.
"Oh, and when you explain your love to him, don't use any big words, okay? Or metaphors. Or poetry or whatever. Keep it plain and simple - remember he's a seventeen year old human boy who's never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. And he's kinda thick, you know?"
3. Show off your assets, whatever they are.
"Of course, don't forget to flaunt whatever it is you've got. If you've got rock-hard abs like me, then you go shirtless. If you have shimmering locks of satin like Byakuya, then you flip your hair a lot. If you have a smokin' ass like Rukia, you float unconscious in a pool. You get the picture. So whatever it is you've got going for you, your majesty, make damn sure that Kurosaki sees it."
4. If he doesn't seem interested, fight him.
"And if Kurosaki doesn't seem to return your affections at first, don't despair. Just find some excuse to fight him. Fighting that shinigami is the number one way to become his friend - just ask Ikkaku. Or Kepachi. Or Byakuya. Or anybody, really. I dunno what it is. But when he beats the crap out of you, you just can't hate him anymore."
5. Find excuses for physical contact.
"When he first walks in, maybe have him kneel down and kiss your hand. Try touching his shoulder or putting your hand on his arm. Just whatever physical contact you can muster. Maybe hold off on any kisses or hugs, though. Kurosaki might think you're attacking him."
6. Don't hurt his friends.
"You know, I think maybe I fucked up when I first met Kurosaki, seeing as I almost immediately tried to gut that Kuchiki girl he likes. Whatever. It seemed like a solid plan at the time. But if you want Kurosaki to fall for you, then you gotta lay off hurting his friends. So if that's why you brought 'em to your realm, make up some other excuse. And fast."
7. Ask him to do you favors.
"So from what I hear, Kurosaki does pretty much whatever that Urahara guy tells him to do. I asked Urahara how he managed such a feat, and he sorta waved his hands and said that all he did was ask. At first I thought he was lying, but then I thought about it and yeah. Kurosaki is totally the type of guy who will help whoever asks. I mean, he's apparently helping hollows now. So don't try to DO favors for Kurosaki - ask him to do 'em for you. It'll make him loyal."
8. Don't rely on your rank.
"I know you're a king 'n' all, but don't try to pull rank on Kurosaki. He doesn't respond well to that. Not like he'll get mad or anything. He just won't care. So hopefully that's not a deal breaker for you."
9. Let him call you by your first name.
"In fact, don't be surprised if Kurosaki just jumps straight to calling you by your first name. He loves that sort of thing. I assume it's a sign of affection, so you should totally take it as a good sign. Just don't get mad. The more you insist that he show you the proper respect, the more he just won't. It's like he's a teenager or something."
10. If all else fails, get captured.
"And hey. If nothing else works, feel free to just get captured. Because Kurosaki will go to rescue you - it's kinda his thing."
