#kinkpondering

[cuddle-figuring-out-herself]

I'm looking at my posts and god I wish I could be a second entity removed from myself on the emotinal plane because I 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 I'm letting on so much more about myself and the way I think than I realise and I want to dissect every inch of my brain and poke and prod at it to see what makes me me and why do I choose to do the things I do on here

[cuddle-figuring-out-herself]

I think that one of the earliest instances in my childhood which forshadowed a good chunk of my preferences (that I know of) was when I was a toddler and watching season 2 of Winx Club, specifically the last episodes

The mc is kidnapped by one of her teachers at fairy school, who was actually one of the villains in disguise (recalling memories from a more mature perspective, the teacher was grooming her, I'm pretty sure), and who she had trance sessions with for plot related reasons

Those sessions were both helping her and secretly planting, I'll call them pillars, in her mind

The mc was taken, bound to a metal or stone table or altar, and a ritual was forced upon her, making her a loyal slave to the main villain (who was not the teacher if I recall correctly)

My explanation is lacklustre, but for now putting in writing from what I already acknowledged to be true is the easiest way for me to express my feelings

The conclusion, -which has a non-zero chance to be copy-pasted in the pinned post- is that I like, at least on an imaginary level:

- being vulnerable

- being used (?)

- being groomed*

- hypnosis (?)

- corruption

- breeding**

*I have problems of expressing this: fear of not doing it correctly (and I'm not sure if I'm doing it correctly right now) and unintentionally being an ass to actual victims by expressing it

**unrelated to everything above, but it came up as the first suggested word and I'm impulsive

[cuddle-figuring-out-herself]

Dollification sounds appealing though that is mostly my insecurities taking.

I would enjoy it if I looked pretty in my own eyes and was very flexible, but who wouldn't?

Maybe I should try to see if it's the process? I don't know what the process is, actually. Only that it may involve hypnosis.

The horror of it is appealing. Would I get a sense of unease if I looked in the mirror? Seeing myself so smooth and shiny and pretty? Or would I just see myself as me?

Would I be able to cope with the loss of my humanity? Does my wish imply that I never wanted to have it in the first place?

What is humanity in this case, though?

A body doesn't make a person. I'd still be human if I were a doll, outside interference notwithstanding.

Would I be more likely to want to see myself as a doll if I had the body of one?

Referring to myself as "it" sounds wrong though, like I'm a quirky cartoon character. It also feels less feminine somehow?

Of course, the one doing the dollification can resolve that problem by getting rid of my sense of self, which does sound appealing if not for the usual concerns