it’s not her fault, really. she’s only just woken up, vision blurry and mind hazy from her dreams, unable to snap herself back into reality. it’s odd that she makes this mistake-- years after the tragedy and his demise. she’s better than this. usually. this time around though, she notices dark hair and a held-back expression and she jumps to conclusions. she makes a mistake. her voice barely audible with a slight crack as she speaks. “glenn?”
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a girl who was born and betrothed to a handsome knight-to-be, the heir of his family and the star in his father’s hearts for all that there was another star in wait, ready to be born in the months following her birth. this girl was one not from money nor true prosperity, but she was accepted into the innermost fold and the family that she would marry into : one day, who accepted her with open arms ———— and it’s no wonder, what with his skill and wits and dashing good looks, that she fell in love with her future husband so seamlessly.
this is hardly the first time he’s happened upon her in such a state, sleeping soundly over a book with her head pillowed in her hands and he knows without knowing that she’s reading one of those RIDICULOUS STORIES OF CHIVALRY, that trite and terrible propaganda ———— he knows. he knows. he knows her so well that he doesn’t need to check and instead considers her, from a distance, considers her and the fall of her hair and the softness of her form that belies the solidity of her muscles and the strength that she holds. considers the rise and fall of her back. steady. soundly asleep.
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a girl who was accepted into a family with open arms and in that family was born the second son, the spare to the heir, with a grand and glorious future ahead of him in service of the crown and oh, how they ran together !! hand in hand and heart in heart / laughing and shrieking and joyous and joyful and overjoyed / siblings by all but blood and siblings to be in a sense that would bind them truly.
when they were younger, and doesn’t it always start like that? WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER / lifetimes ago / when they are happier : in a time that seems impossible and improbable in the here and now, where they stand and where they are and where they stare at each other across an abyss that is insurmountable.
when they were younger and theirs had been souls that aligned so seamlessly and they had carried in them a mutual affection that had been so plain and simple and he happened upon her sleeping soundly he had laughed / and come closer / and rested his head upon the table next to hers / and poked her nose with a force enough to wake her / and awaken she would !! and awaken she did !! breath catching and eyes flying open and, irritably, “felix.” and he would smile and laugh and say, teasingly, “ingrid.”
when they were younger. when they were younger.
HERE AND NOW he simply looks at her and considers leaving her to sleep so frankly and openly but for that he doesn’t truly consider it at all and instead he finds himself sighing and closing the distance between them and he hovers beside her / uncertain how to proceed / uncertain what to do now that he’s here. and so, he finds himself leaning his hand against the table, back bending and his hair ( loose and only half up ) falling in a curtain alongside him.
❝ there are better places to sleep, ❞ there is a clarity in his speech and a dryness about him and she seems to stir and her head lifts and when she looks at him there is a bleariness about her, an exhaustion about her, something distant and still dreaming in the droop of her eyes and the sleep worn set of her mouth. there’s a crease on her cheek from where she had slept against her shirt.
and is it an act of cruelty? it must be. it must be. it must be, conscious or no, A KILLING BLOW.
glenn. glenn. glenn. glenn. GLENN.
ONCE UPON A TIME ———— well, you know this story. that brother, that handsome knight-to-be that became a knight at last / dies. and dies. and dies. and dies. and. and.
you know this story / and he knows this story : embedded into the marrow of his bones and the beat of his heart and the sinew of his musculature and the whole of him, the remnants of a living and breathing and long gone life. a life that could have been. and he discards the thought. he destroys the thought / again and again.
he’s aware, with the sharp awareness of a blade cutting and sinking and stabbing, of the tension in his chest and the tension about him and beats pass and / his thoughts stop and race and stop again and there’s nothing and there’s no one and there’s the clarify ( murky, it’s murky, he’s umoored and drifting and dangling and hanging and his hand leans against the table and he’s ware that there’s a desolation that stretches and ) that HE IS HIMSELF, HE IS FELIX HUGO FRALDARIUS AND THERE IS NO ONE ELSE NO ONE ELSE NO ONE ELSE NO ONE ————
glenn? glenn? DID YOU DIE IN PEACE DID YOU DIE QUICKLY DID YOU DIE ———— IF YOU DIDN’T LIE TO ME LIE TO ME LIE TO ME ————
her eyes widen. there’s a horror in them and about them and in the part of her mouth as sleep leaves her and she stares at him. sees him. sees him.
it’s always the same, isn’t it? that slip of tongue. that regret in their eyes. that useless apology that half lingers. THEY WISH AND THEY WISH AND THEY HOPE AND IT’S NOT HIM IT’S NOT HIM HE’S HIMSELF AND, FUCK / FUCK / FUCK.
his heart races and threatens to throb and he’s ———— what is he? what is he? wrathful and. cold and. hurt and. hurt and. HURT AND … ?
❝ felix ———— ❞
her expression is wretched. terrible. that STUPID GUILT THAT SHE FEELS all but overwhelming and festering and screaming / raging / pounding against the seams of her face and every inch of her body as she reaches for him. reaches for him. he remembers, peering through four inches of ice, how her hair had fallen that lifetime ago and how she had smiled at his brother and how she had smiled at him / a far cry from this. a far cry from the FEAR THAT GRIPS HER. fear? fear?
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a boy who was born to a family that loved him wholeheartedly and absolutely and held him so tenderly and there was his sister to be whom he loved so greatly ———— ah. you know this story, too.
when he moves it’s wooden and stilted and he stares at her. and stares at her. and stares at her / face void of EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING UNTIL IT ISN’T, until it twists and it, too, must be something wretched. her mouth pinches / her eyes are bright / he’s fury and furious and ————
and he turns. and he walks away.
she calls after him. stands and runs after him.
❝ don’t fucking touch me, ❞ his voice resonates in this dead space because he knows her / he knows her HE FUCKING KNOWS HER / and knows without seeing that she reaches for him. reaches for him. reaches for him.
the distance yawns. widens. a beast’s maw opening.
❝ get away from me, ❞ voice shaking / voice heavy / voice deep set with rage and is this the closest that he’s come to hating her?
no. no : because he cannot hate her and his chest SCREAMS and he / walks away. finally. finally.
@knighbility // the greatest betrayal of all
