i might end up going back to the general psychiatric hold where Stag first bonded w me this weekend… it’s loud in my head a lot and i can’t think of another way i can afford to get myself stop smoking cigs, detox weed, etc
i keep hearing Comet (our plurality’s newest, an aspect of me w/ his own autonomy) talking like he’s imagining things he wants to tell people there. but i know we have to avoid being read as delusional. so now wei’re imagining doublespeaking in mundane terms abt the other side of the Threshold, the Veil… like my being an “animal person”, my denmate an “angel on earth”, my lover a “lone stag”…
but part of me is always aching from never feeling safe enough to tell, and even though Stag knows how to watch out for Comet for me i’m nervous. i don’t want him to be like me and be afraid of telling but i also don’t want him to get taught that anyway by getting institutionalized as his current consciousness.
and yet i can’t stop imagining the other version of telling where i just say it outright, this body houses many ghosts returned, the ones strong enough to possess alone want equal recognition within our one body’s person, that we and our alter-perspectives are equally real parts of our one variant reality, that we won’t tell sanitized variants of our one variant reality anymore but instead: the whole Crossing’s canon as one, ease of outsider comprehension be damned.
but i can’t even talk to our denmate Moon about it even though Moon explains every time no actually, he would like to know, he would like to hear, he would like to be shared “all [my] joys and sorrows”… he even knows Stag and i are involved on the inside and dgaf! matter of fact even though he broke up with me he says i’d been “the best boyfriend” he’d “ever had”. and this is coming off the heels of him going a whole ass year not dating after the last guy he bagged.
but even though he always clocks it when i’m dis-asserting myself, Moon making to reassure me all on his own just makes me feel ill. unsolicited reassurance in general makes me wanna vomit. like i actually feel a strand of nausea in the bottom of my throat even if it’s faint.
i feel the same way when Stag tries to comfort me on the inside, but with him i can’t just be like “k i’mma do my own thing” and proceed to bedrot unseen in another room. Stag is almost always within reach on the inside, even when he’s quiet and i have conscious space to myself. so eventually i got tired of fighting his presence, again. i’m sure he got tired of fighting my aversion.
it was easy to sink deep into our sworn bond again.
now… i don’t know how to bridge the gap between my/our reality variance and more grounded consensuses/variations of reality anymore cuz once i stopped us sharing with Moon (our only confidant among outside people on this) heavy untold things… started piling up fast. now if i tell one thing i have to tell a whole domino arrangement of other things to explain how we got from A to B and that’d include going over old shit between Moon and me still bothering me when it shouldn’t.
but Stag says i have to tell even if it’s not for my/our own sake. he thought switching me to Comet ‘d get us to talk about it but Comet wasn’t impacted by it the way i was, so he doesn’t feel like it’s his story to tell. everything else he imagines telling except this. but i don’t want to tell, even if it’s making some part of me always ready to scream and claw at the walls, even if it’s just on the inside, even if it’s just under my skin. even though logically i know it’d kill Moon inside if he knew what i’m not telling is tearing me apart. “so just don’t let him know”… but he’ll find out when it eventually breaks its way out of me. so i have to get it out another way. i just hope i’m still me after it’s out.
or maybe it’d be better if i wasn’t. cuz i don’t know what’s wrong with me that the evidence i am appreciated and cared for and listened to and recognized just… doesn’t compute unless i review it all manually like this.
