#kotakretakrant

[kotakretak]

Dinner

it is funny how we keep growing old and nothing in your power that can stop it. but we have to. we need to keep growing. we have to build our own life.

it is a gloomy evening. break-fasting with family. at home. on this table.

this table has seen lots of foods (of course) and memories. laughter, joy, tears. you name it.

eventhough most of these dinners are done in silence, it is a relief having your family altogether. but, it’s sad to realize how this table used to serve for five now it remains for four. soon it will be just for three. and for couple months it serves only for two and back to three and so on.

my brother serves its own table now and later my other brother will serve his own as well. it leaves my parents and me, the little sister who is currently in college far from home. 

maybe i’m just being silly and too emotional. but no. 

...

there’s nothing wrong with a girl who wants a dinner with her family.

[kotakretak]

little did we know, we seek comfort in each other's brokenness. within the blurred lines of boundaries we keep on erasing. yet somehow we are loud enough to declare that the lines are still there.

[kotakretak]

the unexplainable

i have thousands reasons to leave you, but i fall for one thing i could never able to explain.

....

this one quaint of moment that started everything between my past to my future.

this moment of revelation happens in my present. sometimes.

the thing i used to dream of also the thing i used to fear.

we both know we are sinners. dig a hole then bury it. dig another hole then bury it. an endless loop.

but i bravely say that it is what i want. regardless any consequence.

in the other side of wall, i’ve found many temptation.

they are reachable. real. but i didn’t choose any.

because

i fall for one thing i could never able to explain.

[kotakretak]

Dari aku yang masih bersembunyi

untuk sepenggal ‘konon’ yang padanya aku berteguh.

untuk sepotong ‘dulu’ yang padanya aku bercermin.

untuk seiris ‘akan’ yang padanya aku bersandar.

sederhananya, untuk kamu. untuk kamu di semua dimensi luas dan waktu.

tak rindukah kamu pada sela-sela jari yang senantiasa kau isi dengan genggaman hangat jarimu?

tak rindukah kamu pada tawa liar yang membahana di atas kebodohan penghujung hari?

tak rindukah kamu pada kecanggungan yang meraung hingga tatapan ini tersentak di matamu?

tak inginkah kamu memutar masa dan mewujudkan yang sepatutnya diwujudkan?

wacana yang tercetus berulang. terhimpit di antara kecanggungan tadi. 

rumor yang tercetus samar. mempertemukan tatapan. menggariskan senyum kecil. agar kemudian kembali tergenang dalam pikiran masing-masing.

entah ke dalam pikiran yang sama atau tidak. menepuk harapan adalah haram di sini.

lalu...

buat apa jikalau semua akan kembali lagi ke dugaan-dugaan. kegelisahan yang sama. menebak-nebak. 

pikiran yang mengusik.

maka...

bergeraklah dan raih tangan yang menggapai ini. 

regangkan tegangmu. yakinkan ragumu. 

kutunggu. 

di persimpangan. 

lekas menuju kepastian.

[kotakretak]

untukmu yang (mungkin) mulai lupa

jarak. waktu.

dua hal yang senantiasa jadi tameng bagi mereka yang sungkan berjuang.

dua hal yang jika dikombinasikan menjadi tatanan halang rintang yang kompleks dan sulit dipatahkan.

dua hal yang kelak kamu lemparkan padaku sebagai bukti.

bahwa jarak dan waktu dapat menjelmakan manusia menjadi pribadi yang berbeda dan lupa dari mana ia datang.

lagi-lagi. jarak. waktu.

[kotakretak]

spill the beans, heart.

here comes the time when your belly supplied by infinite butterflies, flying around, crashing, and after awhile it’s just...*POOF!*...gone. but they keep come and go.

when was the last time you feel something like that? something that we recognize as...shit, it sounds cliche... love.

how about fallin love with someone you definitely can’t have? oh no no. that sounds too final in this weird world where impossible is getting rare.

what if... you fall in love with someone’s darling?

driven by one smooth, light conversation, filled with laughter and each other’s oddity. then it becomes a routine. 

you know it when you feel something’s missing. 

you know it when you just can’t help to think about it.

you know it when you feel helpless, running out of things to say.

you know it when you accept the amenity.

you know it got you when every now and then all you wanna do is be there.

...be the one who gathers all the love and pain.

even spilled truth sadly is not enough to assemble a new page of us.

here comes the time when you hold on to every possibility, gambling in the raging storm of heart, and not brave enough to ask for help.

[kotakretak]

Tears on the edge of my eyes

Am I sad?

How could you tell yourself when you are sad? Selain menangis, apa tanda yang kamu rasakan saat kamu sedih?

Most of the time, I hardly realize when I’m sad. Staring my reflection in the mirror won’t help. Tetapi, aku masih bisa mengetahui dengan cepat saat orang lain sedih, even from their tiny little sign.

But when I know I’m sad, aku menyadarinya dari lagu yang ingin aku dengarkan. At first, I just put these songs in a playlist. Kemudian baru aku sadar, semua yang kupilih tadi adalah lagu-lagu yang berlirik senada.

Entah itu tentang terluka, kebimbangan, kesendirian, keterpurukan, sad love song, dengan kata-kata yang menikam. In short: it’s just sad.

Kini aku sedang dalam masa itu. Namun, aku merasakan anomali di sini. It’s been weeks. Sepanjang aku mengenal diriku, I’m a happy lil shit with high good mood percentage. Is it possible for me being sad in such length of time? Am I finally reach or pass my safe border?

Am I really sad?

[kotakretak]

Betapapun aku mengagumimu, tak mungkin bisa kucegah saat kau pergi. Seperti senja yang kukagumi pula, tak mungkin aku mendekap matahari agar tak tenggelam tergesa. Hanya saja, senja datang dan pergi setiap hari, sedangkan kamu datang kemudian pergi tak pernah kembali. Saat senja pergi, bukan gelap yang aku resahkan. Saat kau pergi, bukan ketiadaanmu yang kuresahkan. Aku hanya takut bibir ini tak akan pernah kembali mengembang sampai ke telinga seperti dulu. Mungkin memang salahku meletakkan bahagiaku padamu, bukan pada diriku sendiri.