#koutarou amon

[sentowritesstuff]

*deep sigh* there aren’t enough amoneki fics

[marathehomosexual]

Well, @ipsen tagged me, "Last sentence I wrote in a WIP"

I did cut out the literal last sentence to not spoil too much, but this is a sneak peek from Lotus 27, this is draft 1 though so changes may occur or it might not even make into the finished chapter.

"...Hahah" He didn't really understand why he laughed, it just felt funny for some reason. Like it would all be over soon, Like a bad dream he was sure he would wake up from sooner or later. He had this feeling once before, right, back then he thought, hoped, it was all a bad, horrible, dream. The world keeps on spinning without him realizing, and over and over again, he continues ending up in the same places doing the same things. In his youth, that man told him about how pain and suffering were simply God testing the faith of Man. Those words, this faith, is one of the few things from that Man that Amon still held within himself. So in that moment, he closed his eyes and joining his trembling hands, he prayed, or rather, he begged. "Please, please don't take him away. Haven't I done enough? Haven't I endured enough? Haven't I proven my faith to you enough?!"

I don't have anyone to tag though, sorry

[geamthing]

au where seidou and koutarou do not get ghoulified. they stay human and stay working for the ccg :D AKIRA THO she gets turned into a ghoul. kanou claims hes fed her seidou and koutarou (he hasnt hes lying about that to mess with her).

meanwhile seidou and koutarou are being haise's dads because arima asked them to.

koutarou has also adopted maris stella

[mismarch]

Im curious, what are your thoughts on Seidou's relationship with Amon?

Tumblr crashed while I was writing my original analysis on my phone, so I'm rewriting it on desktop and hopefully Tumblr doesn't shit itself again.

Admittedly, I don't remember a ton of their early interactions, so I really gotta get my ass up to doing that reread, but I'll try my best to distill my current thoughts on them on this post! I think it's pretty impossible to discuss Amon and Seidou without discussing Akira, so there will be sprinkles of how Akira relates to their dynamic within this post.

I love their dynamic. Seidou's perception of Koutarou is fascinating when you see where it begins--it's hero worship, it's idolization. Amon is the embodiment of what Seidou wants to be. The topnotcher, the one who did everything right and got rewarded for it. Amon is the living embodiment of an unattainable goal. Amon has everything Seidou wants--perhaps more bitterly, including the affections of Akira.

However, during the Owl Suppression Operation, Seidou doesn't save Amon because he wants to save Amon specifically. His motivation is specifically because of Akira, still:

His idol now becomes someone not to look up to, but to be begrudgingly envious of. I think this moment is when Takizawa became conscious of his own feelings towards her, and the bitter realization that Amon, his idol, is the person Akira loves back. Still, Seidou isn't selfish, so he does this for her, anyway.

And when he goes to Amon, he stands his ground. He refuses to run, because he's desperate to prove his worth as an investigator despite the all-encompassing fear running through his veins. This is his final stand, the moment he becomes a hero.

But it doesn't happen. And I think it's very telling that as he "dies", he doesn't see Amon, he sees Akira. It is a stark reminder of his actual motivation here--it's not heroism, but it's not selfishness, either. It's something in-between. (If we're considering Kaneki parallels, I think Takizawa similarly is not motivated by the "greater good", but rather motivated to save/help particular people he is close to, the "greater good" being incidental to that desire, but I digress.)

In Kanou's lab, however, the dynamic shifts. Amon is no longer the one desirable, no longer the one wanted. In a sick twist of fate, it is now Takizawa. Seidou is the one who receives all their attention, the doctor's favorite. I think this is where Seidou's resentment begins to bubble to the surface. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to say Seidou must've partially blamed Amon (and Akira!) for the situation he's in. At the beginning, he tends to think with emotions first, putting the blame on other people for his own inadequacies.

It doesn't help that Amon, in the midst of Seidou going through unspeakable fucking horrors, probably didn't deal with even a fraction of Seidou's torture. Imagine being Takizawa, and the guy from the cell next to you--perfect, perfect Amon--is proselytizing about hope and never giving up after you just ate your fucking parents.

I'd be a little pissed off.

Amon is someone with pretty black and white views of the world, even after the ghoulification procedure. He still views Seidou as the stalwart investigator with starry eyes and a desperation to prove himself. It's pretty likely Amon blamed himself somewhat for Seidou's situation, too. And maybe that guilt led Amon to feel some responsibility over Seidou, to protect him or save him or whatever that might be.

I think that fundamentally, Amon misunderstands Seidou. Amon, with his optimism and idealism, believes Seidou is a victim. Someone to rescue, someone to save. And maybe once, he was. However, at this point, Seidou is both victim and perpetrator.

I can't blame Seidou for viewing this as condescending, especially after what happened with Kanou. Amon treating him like he's fragile, someone to rescue from his inner demons is such a brutal reminder of Seidou's inadequacies and weaknesses. Seidou wants to be viewed as strong, and Amon's savior complex denies Seidou of all agency. Seidou made these choices. He's cognizant. He's aware. He's not something to infantilize, and he's frustrated that Amon doesn't see that. And it's doubly frustrating, because of Amon's stupid indomitable will being a horrible reminder that Seidou was never going to amount to what Amon represented in his head.

Seidou is so deeply pessimistic post-ghoulification that he is incapable of viewing things from Amon's perspective, too. He views Amon's actions as naivety, as holier-than-thou preaching, as another reminder of Amon's inability to do anything wrong. But that's not it. Amon's belief in Seidou is born out of what happened with Kaneki. It's not naivety, it's a lesson. Amon learned mercy. That wasn't innate.

Neither of them really understand each other at the end of the day. Especially since Seidou doesn't even actually help Akira because of Amon necessarily. The words weren't reaching Seidou. But they reached Akira, and that's the person who actually gets through to Seidou.

Look at him, he doesn't understand why Amon is still doing this. In Seidou's broken, pessimistic worldview, he can't comprehend Amon's unshakeable faith in him. Even after this Seidou doubles down.

Seidou doesn't think he can be saved, because there's nothing to save. He doesn't want to be like Amon anymore, and even if he did, he can't. He comes to terms with that. He leaves Akira alone with the one she "actually wants", and decides to fuck off from their lives without so much a word. (I think Seidou post-ghoulification is, in fact, a petty bitch, and leaving without closure is on brand for him.)

Not that Kaneki was going to let him, though, LOL.

Thanks for the question! I'll definitely redo this analysis again if I get new thoughts about them. They're really fascinating to me.

[geamthing]

they take turns staying awake to look out for danger while the other two sleep

[geamthing]

seidou: you guys are just gonna leave me here when you escape :(

akira and amon: nuh uh. youre coming with us when we escape.

[geamthing]

they escape >:D

[geamthing]

au where akira also gets kidnapped by kano and turned into a ghoul and all three get traumatized :3