I woke up today and I felt awful mentally. Just awful. I didn't want to get up and go tanning like I planned, I didn't want to get up and prep my food like I should've, I didn't want to get up and go to work. It was a roll over and go back to sleep and not think about anything, kind of day. But I got up. Sure I didn't go tanning, sure I didn't get all my food prepped, then promptly forgot what food I did have, but I made it to work.
When you suffer from depression and have a bad day, that IS a little victory, maybe even a big victory, depending on how you look at it, really.
I made it through work though, completely bored but reading a new magazine I picked up on being gluten free, since I'm still reading about it and trying to understand it. It's what I do. When I was diagnosed with Bi polar and depression, I spent years trying to understand it, why? Because it helps me, it helps me understand certain aspects of it to help myself and that's important. So when I was diagnosed with Celiac's, then yeah, I'm going to try and learn as much as I can. It's amazing how many things have gluten in them that you never even knew about, but I digress.
After work I dressed for the gym though, as I constantly kept telling myself, 'ok, Harmoni, you have to go. You'll feel better, you are so close to reaching your February goal, just go to the gym.' But even as I left my work, I was still trying to make excuses. I was so sure I left my headphones at home so I told myself if I did, I would skip my workout. I can't workout without music. But alas, the headphones were right where I left them, in my purse, so I dragged myself to the gym. I didn't let me talk myself out of it, I didn't listen to my excuses.
Right now, I need cardio, I do, but not like I can hop on a treadmill and run a few miles, not unless I want to fall flat on my face and you know, screw up my knees even more, so I spend a lot of time on the bike as per my doctors suggestion. He said it would help my knees and truthfully, it's done wonders thus far. I haven't had any knee pain for a couple days, which I really noticed today. It's funny, a few short weeks ago, I couldn't last ten minutes on the bike, now I can last 45 minutes and today I hit over 13 miles.
For me though, today, the real victory was when I was doing some work on the mats. As everyone knows, I'm all about Koyabell but due to my work schedule, it's hard to fit in the 3 classes a week, so I make it when I can and supplement it by stealing my friends card and going to the gym after work. (I am a night owl and I thrive at night time. So yes, I am the one at the gym at midnight, working my much smaller than 6 weeks ago, butt off) Koyabell is awesome in the fact that when I'm at the gym, I can incorporate a lot of exercises that Coach Rish and his awesome trainers have taught us and keep up with my workouts that way. I do extra cardio because I want to get back into wrestling and well, Cardio's kind of important. So anyways, I'm on the mat, doing a plank, from my toes mind you, and I held that up for 40 seconds, which for me is amazing, considering when I came to Koyabell, I couldn't even do a 30 second plank from my knees, let alone my toes. I decided I needed some push ups and today I wanted to do one, just one from my toes. Anytime we do push ups, they're either wall push ups or from my knees, depending on how my knees feel that day. The truth is, my knees couldn't even hold my legs up to get into push up position, that's how bad and weak they were. I couldn't do a lot of stuff, ie, burpees, squats, planks, pushups. Anything I needed to rely on my legs for, I was useless. I couldn't do it and it was frustrating. You need to understand, my legs have always been my powerhouse. They were strong and powerful and I loved them, and then with two small missteps, they became useless, all because my knees decided they hate me and tore up anything and everything inside them, thank you knees :D So you see, there was a time, a couple months ago, during my koyabell class when I said, hey, let me try a squat and I did 50 of them. they weren't perfect, but they were a start. so I thought, hey, let me try this plank and some days, I can hold it for maybe 10-15 seconds, other days, I have to do it from my knees cuz they're too sore.
I hadn't tried push ups until tonight when I decided I wanted to do one, just one, seeing as I haven't done one from my toes since high school but as Coach Rish has always told us since we started, that if we come to class, if we train, we will be able to do them. I was just excited to do them on my knees since that was even a struggle when I first started. So it was time, time to do my one push up from my toes, just to see if my knees could handle it, just to see if i had the strength, if my hard work this past little while was paying off. So I did it. I did that one push up, from my toes, that I thought would never be possible. And it wasn't that hard. So maybe while I was there in pushup position, I could do another one? that would be amazing right?
So a total of five pushups later, I sat there in complete shock. My body, the one that had betrayed me in so many ways over the past few years had just done something i didn't think was possible. It not only did that one push up i was praying I could do without making an idiot of myself, it did 4 more.
I woke up this morning feeling awful, not wanting to get out of bed. I'm going to bed now feeling completely proud of myself. Every little thing I had done today which may not seem like a big deal to most was a victory for me and that's great.
Be happy for your accomplishments, be proud of what you did. You may not think it's much, but it is, it really, really is. It's bringing you one step closer to your goal and every little step is worth a celebration.