This is kinda an update on me… so… I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism for about 7-8 years now. A few months ago the thyroid specialist found a lymphnode (big growth) on my thyroid. So now this Monday they’re going to stick a needle in my neck to check and see if it’s a malignant tumor or not. My anxiety is not helping me out right now and I’m really freaking myself out…
UPDATE: Because I have a sinus infection, they won't do the biopsy until I get better. So I have to wait some more to find out. More time for anxiety to fester.... GREAT
Haaaaah.... I’m so tired. Finally the semester is over and I can breathe. I haven’t been able to explain everything that’s been going on with me but now that the semester’s over and break starts next week, I finally have some time to breathe and explain some things. Just a disclaimer, if you don’t care about what’s been going on with me that’s fine, just skip this post. Just know that I’ll be opening up all of the aspects of the blog and Saturday Sunday ships still apply, though I’ve been thinking about starting a separate shipping blog all together but it’s going to still be here for now. So for those of you who want to know read under the "Keep reading”.
Ok. It’s kind of hard for me to say this because I try to act bubbly and happy on here but even though I feel like that is the real Mikayla. I want to be truthful to you all. And the truth is that for years I have been struggling with depression and unbeknownst to me, severe anxiety; it probably has been going on since i was about 13 (so for a decade now). Usually I could just deal with it, however at the beginning of this year, it started escalating fairly quickly.
I’ve always had nightmares but I could deal with them by doing what I called “Vampire sessions”. Which was I would stay awake for 2 to 3 days straight and then exhaustion would take over and I would crash. But my depression got so bad that all I wanted to do was sleep, so of course more nightmares. It is at the point where I have a nightmare almost every night.
I was also told what I had dubbed my “kooky” spells were actually severe panic attacks. I was afraid to tell anyone I was having these “spells” I would feel like there were 5 million things running through my head and yet nothing all at the same time, I was scared for no reason, I couldn’t breathe, my body convulses/shakes so badly during these attacks that I sometimes think I might be having a seizure. It had increased to about 2 or 3 times a week though lately i haven’t had an episode in almost 2 weeks.
I also noticed after one trip to walmart that I have severe anxiety when someone is standing behind me. to the point that i let everyone pass me in the checkout line though I only had 2 products and it literally took me 2 and a half hours to get out of walmart and the cashier kept looking at me like I was crazy. Of course when I got home my mother was not happy but I digress.
Also I have noticed that on some days I cannot stand sounds around me. You know in Twilight where she’s like, “I could hear everything”? That’s how I feel. I can hear breathing like it’s amplified in a microphone, I can hear the spit in someone’s mouth, it’s like my ears can’t differentiate with sounds and I have to hear everything and on some days it drives me crazy.
Because of all of these things I went for psychological testing in which I was diagnosed with ADHD (knew that already), Severe Depressive Dissorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Though the psychiatrist later told me that she thinks that I might have minor PTSD because of the reason all of this started which I truthfully have not told many about so I don’t think I’m ready to say anything about it yet.
Well, now I’m seeing a counselor who is really nice and is trying to help me with ways to cope though I’ve had some ways with coping though they’re not really good for me. Apparently showing up an hour early to campus just so you can get to class on time with stopping everytime someone gets behind you does not a relaxed person make.
So that’s the bad stuff with me, but there’s also a good thing. My best friend! So my first semester of this university (fall 2015), I had to join a club. It was mandatory. And I’ve been learning Korean but unfortunately there isn’t a “Learn Korean” club. But in one of my Music classes I met this girl because on an assignment we were told to pick a song using “scatting or voicing (with no real words)”. The only song I could think of at the time was a song by Block B where Taeil starts scatting like crazy, I think it was “Romantically”? She noticed my assignment and said “Oh! you like KPOP!” (You think you know where I’m going with this but you don’t. trust me)
We became friends after that and she invited me to join Chinese club. Which I did but it was at the end of the semester so I only got to go to one meeting before the end. They were really welcoming there and when they found out I had been learning Korean, everyone seemed to be super proud and impressed (which I found funny because I knew these people for less than 5 minutes and they were more proud of me than my own parents after learning Korean on and off for 6 years). Anyyyyways. There was this end of the year party (my first college/not really college party). There was food and soda and board games and my friend was supposed to show up but she fell asleep. So I showed up. All by myself. I knew no one except for the one guy I had a crush on because he was in one of my other classes. So I was very much a fish out of water. So what did I do? I pulled up tumblr on my phone and started scrolling until I heard the most glorious words I had ever heard since most of my teachers that semester said “You made an A”. What were these words?
“Oh my gosh! You like kpop? EXO is my bias group!”
Now that I think about it, it’s kinda funny. Those people you meet and you never think, “oh this person is going to be a big part of my life” and then they turn out to be, that’s what Monnie is. We’ve been friends since January though we weren’t really close at first. But now, we’re kinda inseparable. To the point that, even though I’m a commuter, people in our club will ask me if I know where she is. She lives on campus which makes it all the more funny. Like I said before, my nightmares were pretty bad almost 1 a night, sometimes even more. But she started coming home with me on weekends, and somehow, my nightmares decreased significantly. I think I’ve only had 2 nightmares while she was here. I know the way I talk may seem like I’m in love with her but seriously everyone, even both our parents ask us (hers for fun and mine threateningly/serious) if we’re “more than friends” but seriously we’re platonic. We talk about boys and KPOP and Yixing and Kai (her biases) and Jin (our mutual bias and my ult) we watch kdramas and Chinese dramas (and I never realized how fun it was for those of us fans who watch dramas from a language we have no clue about, I get so lost in Chinese dramas, it’s so much fun). We tried starting a reaction youtube (we only have one video, we’re still tweaking some stuff). We also talk about our dreams and things, but we don’t want to suck each others’ faces so seriously. strictly platonic.
OKAY I NEED TO STOP NOW. I guess what I’m trying to say is. I’ve been struggling but I’m getting better. I’m going to try and get back to this blog because it really was a sort of therapy for me. Also I wanted to brag about my best friend. I don’t think I really would have made it this year without her. I don’t think I would have kept trying this college this if she wasn’t there. I seriously love that woman.
I wasn't tagged but i'm gonna do it anyway because it looks fun.
Rule #1. always post the rules
Rule#2. answer the questions the person who tagged you in asked
Rule #3. tag 11 people then link them in the post
Rule #4. tell them you tagged them
Rule #5. tell the person that tagged you that you answered the questions
(Just a heads up, I might not follow the rules, I’m a rebel…yeah right :P but seriously… I probably won’t)
Questions:
1. What do you usually order at Starbucks?
I rarely go to Starbucks. But when I do I always get an iced mocha with caramel.
2. A K-pop artist or group, or any group member, that you did not like at first but ended up loving?
I REALLY didn't like Seungri to start with. But he grew on me and now I wanna wrap in blankets and give him hot chocolate.
3. Do you have a favorite song at the moment? Which one?
Right now i'm really digging Shake That Brass by Amber
4. What is your favorite food (dish or ingredient)?
I don't think I really have a favorite. But anything to do with Chicken and potatoes and i'm always down.
5. If you could travel in time for once, would you go back or into the future?
I'd go back. I'd go back to the first year of middle school and start all that shit over again.
6. One night with your ultimate bias or one year with a random kpop group that you cannot choose?
As much as I'd LOVE one night with my man. I'd choose a year with random kpop group. Because I'm older than most groups I feel like i'd be down for helping them grow and deal with the pressure and the hate that every group seems to get.
7. If you could magically change anything about your appearance, what would you change?
This one's difficult. Because i'm a very firm believer in body positivity and being happy with who you are. Now, I do my best to be happy with the way I look, but i'm not always hitting the target. I would definitely like to be thinner. For no other reason than that's what I would want, ME. Not to make anybody like me more or receive less hate. Just because I'd like it.
8. Your 5 favorite things about EXO?
I am not a fan of EXO, but i'll try. 1 - Tao. 2. D.O, because he always looks like he's plotting a murder and I appreciate that in a person. 3 - The one song I like is What Is Love. 4 - They dance well? 5 - One of them is in a movie that looks kinda good.
9. Do you have a favorite book? If so, which one?
Jane Eyre. I own like three copies.
10. Which korean celebrity (sorry I changed this because I hate using the term “idol”) do you wish was your sibling?
It's hard to pick just one. But it'd either be Seungri, Jackson, or Jungkook. I know Seungri's older, but they're all precious babies and I wanna coddle them.
I'm not good with tagging but if anyone feels like doing this feel free! It's fun!
EVERYBODY!!! ALL 121 FOLLOWERS OF MINE!!!! YOU ALL NEED TO GO FOLLOW kpopnomz, BECAUSE HER BLOG IS BEAUTIFUL AND SHE IS WONDERFUL AND EVERYBODY SHOULD LOVE HER. IF YOU DON'T LOVE HER, YOU'RE WRONG. YOU'RE JUST WRONG.
