Forever | ksj
☆summary: three years ago, your relationship with jin ended in fights and tears. When life puts him back on your path, you catch a glimpse of light in his eyes that you thought had died when you broke up. Will your relationship blossom into a well-deserved forever or will you lose the love of your life again?
☆pairing: Kim Seokjin x female reader
☆rating: 18+
☆genre: ex-fiancés to lovers, idol!au, angst, smut, fluff
☆warnings: alcohol consumption, oc and jin fight a lot and don’t talk enough, oc is a little mean to jin and jin is a patient angel, cursing, inaccurate cooking terms, oc gets wounded on a nail, a bunch of nostalgia and regrets. explicit content: choking kink, grinding, a little bit of tits play, fingering, oral sex (female receiving), a little bit of dirty talking, dom!jin, big dick!jin, protected sex
☆word count: 25.2k words
☆a/n: here is the jin fic! I hope you will love itttt, it was really fun to write even though it’s sad. I love nostalgia and I hope I was able to write it well. Thank you to my beautiful beta reader @moonleeai for helping with this story once again. You are the best and I am so blessed to have you <3
☆a/n pt2: enjoy reading babies!!
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Prologue – three years ago
It was a rainy night with lightning cutting through the sky and thunder rumbling through your chest. You had been waiting for your boyfriend for a while, enjoying the light of a candle and the warmth of your bath. A wine glass rested on the side of the tub, emptied a while ago by your avid drinking.
Jin had been supposed to come home three hours ago, for a most needed date night, and he still hadn’t shown up. It was frequent lately, his absence without a single word. You could hardly blame him – with the pandemic and you moving in together, you had been spending a lot of time together. Too much, maybe, and casual conversations had slowly started to fall into arguments, and arguments had slowly inched into fights.
It didn’t matter. You had stopped caring a while ago. Maintaining a relationship that wanted to dwindle to nothingness was becoming too hard. Especially with the impossibility of work, as lockdown was still in full sprint.
You focused on the drama on the screen above the tub, moving your legs a little. Bubbles floated around, and you played with them mindlessly, eyes following the action.
The drama you were watching… it was bittersweet. It reminded you of better times between you and Jin, when he had not even debuted yet and you spent all your time together. From the moment you had met, you had been inseparable, your young relationship blossoming into a beautiful flower, petals rich with affection and passion and love.
Until a worldwide pandemic had to come around and put the first nail in the coffin. Deciding to move in together had been the second nail. And maybe, even before all of that, the ring on your finger had been the third one. First one, or whatever.
Your eyes fell to the engagement ring, and you recalled the day he had proposed to you. It had been sweet with just you and your family, and for a moment you had seen forever in his eyes. In truth, you had seen forever in his eyes from the moment you had met him.
Until that dreaded pandemic.
You regretted a lot of things in the last few months. As if everything had come crashing down at the same time. Yet, you had both decided to try to save your relationship, in an effort to not lose the love that you had thought would last forever.
It was Jin’s first time bailing on you. You didn’t blame him – you had gotten in a fight this morning, one of the worst so far, with you both saying you should have never moved in together. Or at least not during the pandemic, where you were forced to spend a lot of time together.
Too much time, perhaps, for the independent souls that inhabited your bodies.
You sighed, eyes moving to the empty glass of wine. The wine bottle was on the counter, far enough for you to dread having to make your way to it. Yet, you pushed yourself up, stepping out of the tub, tiptoeing towards the precious bottle until you had it secured in your hands.
You were halfway back to the tub when the front door opened, and you stopped in your tracks, dripping water on the floor. Goosebumps formed on your skin every second you spent away from the heat of your bath, and you listened to Jin moving in the apartment. From the sounds of it, he had moved to the kitchen, but it was hard to tell over the conversation playing on the television on the wall.
You put the wine bottle back on the counter, heading to the bathrobe you always left hung up on the back of the bathroom door. You wrapped yourself in it, before stepping out of the sauna you had turned the bathroom in, heading towards the kitchen.
Jin had his back turned to you, when you walked in, broad shoulders drooping forward as he was looking through the wine cellar. He looked defeated, but you knew it was a lie.
He always looked defeated before you started fighting.
“What took you so long?” you asked.
He tensed, before turning to look at you. You had long stopped caring about looking good for him, and you knew you probably looked half-dead right now. His eyes skimmed over you, barely even stopping on the naked legs he used to worship, before meeting your gaze.
“Are you drinking the Syrah we were supposed to share tonight?” he enquired, his voice meeting the low-lying anger in yours.
You crossed your arms on your chest, a frown moving on your features. “Date night started three hours ago, I got bored waiting for you.”
“You didn’t have to drink the wine.” He put one hand in his pocket, and you scanned the ruffled button-up shirt he was wearing.
A question took shape in your mind, and you hated the doubt that seeped into your heart.
“Where were you anyway?”
“None of your business”, he replied, and he turned away from you, as he started walking away.
You scoffed. “What the fuck do you mean? Where were you?”
He shrugged, as he walked the way towards the bedroom. You followed him in, as he started unbuttoning his shirt.
You grabbed his arm, to make him face you. “Why don’t you tell me?”
“I was with the boys”, he replied.
Your brows knit together. “Pandemic, hello?”
He rolled his eyes before shrugging your hand off. It clenched in a fist, with your nails digging into your palm.
“We were each in our own studio, hanging out online.”
You gritted your teeth. “You stood me up for an online chilling?”
He shrugged again, mouth pouting a little. “What do you want me to tell you? I didn’t feel like seeing you after this morning.”
The screams echoed in your mind, the way they had been echoing on the walls since this morning. Haunting you, giving you a glimpse of a finality you had thought would never come.
“Then maybe you should have stayed at the studio.”
You didn’t mean the words, but it was too easy to rile you up lately. Too easy to make anger flare up in your chest, until it was all you could feel.
Maybe if you could cook in the kitchen of your restaurant, away from him for a time, it’d help. But you couldn’t, and yet he always gave himself the right to go places. Because he was Kim Seokjin, and it seemed a global pandemic didn’t have the same impact on his life that it did on yours. Because even if he couldn’t do concerts or fan events like he usually did, they still found ways to make him work.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked. “Cause I can go and stay with Yoongi if need be.”
You sighed loudly, trying to calm down. “Listen, Jin, no I don’t want you to leave. But you need to stop pretending as if our relationship comes last in your life.”
He chuckled dryly before saying, “Just let me be.” He met your gaze, and his eyes meant nothing good. “You’re always on my fucking back, it’s getting tiring.”
“Well maybe if you helped a little more with cleaning I wouldn’t be on your back!”
The perks of having an unresolved fight were that it always came back, sooner or later.
“You’re too obsessed with cleaning, not everything needs to be spotless all the time.”
“If we don’t do it every day then it starts accumulating and we’ll never see the end.”
He shook his head, before moving away from you. “It’s not like we’re two pigs, we don’t dirty the place every day.”
“Whatever”, you shrugged off. “I just want some help, is that too much to ask?”
“I’m tired, Y/n.”
You watched him sit on the edge of the bed, and only then realized that there was no fire in his eyes. No spiel of words falling from his mouth, like it usually happened when he got angry. He did look tired, as if all the fight had gone out of him.
And maybe it had, after this morning. After last Sunday and the Thursday before that. In all truth, you couldn’t really remember the last time your relationship had been sunshine and rainbows. It had only been thunderstorms and hurricanes for a while now.
More than a while.
“So am I, that’s why I’d like a little help”, you said, but it sounded like a question. It was condescending, maybe, and it was a mistake.
“I think I’m going to move back with Jimin and the others.”
His words hung heavily in the air, echoed by a thunderclap that rumbled through the building, making it shake under your feet.
“What?” you let out.
“I’m going to move back in with the boys.”
A single drop of cold sweat formed on your temple.
And you watched him, as he finished taking off his button-up shirt, before putting on a sweatshirt. It was a weird look, with his dress pants, but he looked good.
He always looked good. It almost distracted you from the anger, as shock started meshing with it, until every beat of your heart ached painfully.
He grabbed his leather travel bag, the one you had given him on his birthday after their debut, and you stood there in silence as he started packing his clothes. He avoided your gaze, pretended that you weren’t there, and every single one of his moves broke your heart a little more.
Maybe there had still been love in you, even with all the frustration.
“I…” he let out, as he finished packing the bag.
You still hadn’t moved, and all your stupid brain could do was count the seconds between the flash of lightning outside, and the rumble of thunder that followed.
He straightened, finally meeting your gaze. “I think we need some time away from each other.”
It was panic, rising in you now. Washing away every other emotion, until you could taste bile in your mouth. “Don’t leave.”
He shut his eyes, and his next words looked like they pained him. Like they had stuck a dagger into his chest, just as they stabbed into your own beating heart. “I have made my decision already.”
“You’re breaking up with me?”
His eyelids fluttered open, and he shrugged. “No. Unless that’s what you want.”
“I don’t want you to leave”, you said. Begged even, something you had never really done before.
Maybe because you had never thought Jin would leave.
“It doesn’t matter.” It was said gently, yet it filled you with so much hatred.
At you and him, for losing a relationship that could have been forever.
“It doesn’t matter?” you let out, and you scoffed. “We’ve been together for almost ten years and you tell me it doesn’t matter?” It was hysteric, the way you spoke.
He just grabbed his bag, before walking around you so he could reach the door of the bedroom. You wanted to stop him, but all you could do was follow him out into the hallway.
“Jin.”
He didn’t stop, and your blood turned to ice as he got closer to the front door.
“Jin”, you said again, and you stumbled on your feet as you tried to grab his arm, but your fingers only met cold air.
He put on his shoes, not once glancing at you. You were shaking, where you stood, digits trembling as the panic settled into you fully.
“You can’t leave like that”, you said.
“We just need some time alone”, he said. He was trying to reassure you, but the absence of physical contact, of his usually warm hands on you… It destroyed you.
“Kim Seokjin, you are not going to leave me.” Your vision blurred as tears welled up in your eyes.
Yet he didn’t say anything, only turning towards the door. His hand had closed around the doorknob when he finally glanced at you.
He looked apologetic yet determined. As if he knew that ripping the band-aid quickly would be better, easier for you.
“I’ll talk to you soon”, he promised, and you noticed a tear rolling on his cheek.
It felt out of place, as he was the one choosing to leave, and you wanted to punch him for it. But your heart ached too much for you to do anything other than beg. Beg for the love of your life not to step out of the apartment that was yours.
“If you go out this door –” you trailed off, and your voice shook. Shook with the panic and the pain and everything in between. “Don’t you fucking come back if you go out this door.”
He offered you a small smile then, as more tears rolled on his cheeks. “Goodbye, Y/n.”
*****
Present day
The kitchen was hot with the heat from all the ovens, smoke lingering in the air as your sous-chefs produced the meals you asked them to, with you supervising the whole thing. Different aromas mixed together as they met your nose – gochujang, halibut, a hint of matcha, along with the warm smell of the pastries that were currently baking in the oven. Steaks were being grilled somewhere at the back of the kitchen, and their nidor slowly overpowered the other smells.
You made your way to the grills, a foreboding sensation forming in the pit of your stomach.
“Who let those burn?” you screamed, twirling around to catch a glance of the cooking assistant that was in charge of grilling.
You met his widened gaze, and he cowered under your stare, seemingly wishing to disappear through the floor. You shook your head slowly, trying to keep your anger at bay.
Even though you had a reputation to maintain, you always tried to stay calm in the kitchen. Your mother had raised you with the belief that screaming at people led to nothing but misunderstandings, and you put her beliefs into practice religiously. Even in your field, where a single faux pas could lead you to losing your restaurant.
The field of fine cuisine was a cruel one, especially for a woman. More so for a woman in her late twenties, who had gotten her success because –
You stopped your train of thought. You had attained such unprecedented success thanks to your ability in the kitchen. Not because of anyone else.
You put the burnt steaks aside, quickly grabbing some new ones before putting them on the grill, telling your sous-chef to focus on them and them only. Especially considering the person that had ordered those steaks.
You hadn’t seen Namjoon in a long time. Longer than the last time you had seen Jin. Yet you had always been close to Namjoon, sort of, and when he had texted you asking if he could reserve a private room in your restaurant for a date, you had immediately said yes.
You hadn’t yet gone to greet him, dreading the moment you’d see him. As if acknowledging that he and the rest of the boys still lived when your relationship with Seokjin had died was too dreadful for you. And maybe it was.
The night Jin had left had been the last time you had seen him in person. You had walked out into the thunderstorm hoping to stop him, but it had been too late. And it seemed he had taken your words seriously because he only had come back once when you were gone to collect his belongings, leaving you a note saying that it was over.
It hurt bitterly to read the note. It wasn’t just a note – it was a full-length letter, with him explaining where you went wrong and how he hoped you’d find happiness. Your tears had stained the page more than once, as you had realized how final the whole thing was.
As if you had finished the last dessert and only the aftertaste was left. And it wasn’t a good aftertaste. Heartbreak – it tasted vile and felt just as bad. A little worse maybe. Two years later, you still hadn’t really gotten better. All you could do was focus on your restaurant and truly, maybe that was the only thing that there was to do after losing the love of your life.
It was ironic that you still thought so now that Jin had left you. You had never thought the love of your life was going to leave, to disappear into the night… and yet he had. The hardest part in it all was that you couldn’t really remember your last kiss, or the last time he had held you in his sleep. Because back then you hadn’t thought you needed to commit the moment to memory, and it had dwindled into oblivion in the weeks following the break-up.
You shook the thoughts away. Now was not the time to reminisce about the past. Not when the kitchen was busier than ever. So you focused on that instead, getting lost in the aromas and the presentation of the dishes you made, all the while thinking about alterations you could make to the recipes so that they would be better.
There was always room for improvement in your cooking. Maybe there should have been room for improvement in other areas of your life too, but the past was in the past.
“Everything is ready for table seventeen!” someone yelled by the door.
It drew your attention, and you quickly made your way to the waitress. “Is that Kim Namjoon’s table?”
“Yes, ma’am.” The waitress nodded, a slight blush creeping on her cheeks.
You smiled at her, before grabbing the two plates. “I’ll take care of it.”
The waitress looked disappointed, but she said nothing as you walked around her, heading out of the kitchen. The reprieve from the heat was a relief, once you stepped out in the cool hallway, and you sighed as you made your way to the room where Namjoon was.
You had told him you’d speak to him when you got the chance, and you didn’t feel like waiting at the end of the night: you’d have no excuse to go back to your kitchen if you got uncomfortable then. And really, you didn’t think you would be. Namjoon had always been a friend, even though he was a couple of years younger. He had always made you feel at home when you visited Jin at the dorm.
In truth, all of the members had made you feel at home. And you had spent a lot of time with them, in all the years you and Jin had dated. You had seen Jungkook grow up and had taught Yoongi how to cook some stuff. Had comforted Taehyung the first time he had gotten his heart broken and had been there for Hoseok when nobody had sent him fan mail at the beginning. You had been part of the BTS family, sort of.
Until that dreaded pandemic.
You pushed the thoughts aside once more, as you turned into another hallway, where all the private rooms were. It took you a few more seconds and then you walked into Namjoon’s room.
The first thing you noticed was the girl sitting in front of him. She was everything you knew Namjoon liked – small, cute and delicate, with big eyes that shone with intelligence and a pink tint to her cheeks. Namjoon had that same flush on his cheeks, and when his eyes slid to you they widened with recognition.
“Y/n!” he greeted you. “This is the friend I told you about.” He said that second sentence looking at his date, who threw you a curious look.
Had she not been there, you would have probably hugged Namjoon and told him how much you missed him, but you refrained doing so, not really wanting to make the girl uncomfortable.
“Nice to meet you”, you greeted her as you put the plates on the table.
She replied, with a shy voice that had you hold in a knowing smile. She definitely was Namjoon’s type. In another world, you would have known everything about that girl, about how she and Namjoon had met. In another world, you would have probably become friends, the same way you had become friends with Sena when Jungkook had started dating her.
You didn’t even know if Jungkook and Sena were still together, but you wished it for him. Jungkook had a fragile heart, and he deserved all the love in the world.
“How have you been doing?” Namjoon asked after you explained the meal to them.
You froze for half a second. “Good. Great. The restaurant has been doing better than ever.”
He had a knowing look in his eyes, when you met his gaze, and you wished you could disappear. Because you knew he didn’t mean work…
But work was all there was to your life now.
“How has…” you trailed off. Because you didn’t know why you wanted to ask, you weren’t sure you wanted to know anything about Jin. Yet, in some deep dark corners of your heart you wanted to make sure he was doing okay. That he wasn’t broken, and that he had allowed himself to move on.
Namjoon knew what you were asking without you having to say the words. He pursed his lips, shrugging his shoulders. “He’s been okay. Has been better, but he’s managing.”
You nodded your head slowly, ignoring the curious look Namjoon’s date threw your way.
“He…” Namjoon trailed off, meeting the girl’s gaze once before looking back at you. “He wanted me to say hi to you for him.”
You clenched your teeth, as your heart constricted in your chest. “Oh.”
The atmosphere filled with awkwardness, and you rocked back and forth on your heels, hands fiddling with each other in the air in front of you.
“Tell him I say hi too”, you finally said, as Namjoon smiled an apologetic smile.
“Of course!” His smile melted into a true one. “All the members say hi too.”
That pushed Jin aside, in your mind and in your heart, as endearment warmed up your blood. “I haven’t seen you all in so long.”
Namjoon chuckled, nodding. “Hobi mentioned he invited you to the party for the release of his album last summer.”
That was true. He had invited you, but you had found yourself unable to go. Not only because Jin was going to be there, but mostly because you had a busy event at work, a night you couldn’t really miss. So, you hadn’t gone to the party, though you had called Hoseok in the following days to tell him that you were proud of him and that his album had exceeded your expectations. And your expectations had been high, but Hoseok was the kind of man to always exceed expectations. A professional through and through, both in music producing and dancing.
“Yeah, I was stuck here”, you admitted, as silence stretched between you. “I wish I could have gone.”
“Everyone would have been happy to see you.”
You smiled, nodding your head. “How has Yoongi been doing?”
That question was an easier one, even though the reason behind it was heavier. Yoongi had always had troubles with mental health and you had long been the one he confided in, along with Hoseok. Though he hadn’t talked to you after the break-up, but then again none had, except Namjoon.
After all, they were Jin’s brothers, not yours. Some part of you had hoped they’d keep contact, but at the same time you were happy they had chosen to stick by Jin’s side. God knew Jin needed his brothers.
“Yoongi’s been doing great”, Namjoon replied. “He’s been keeping himself very busy.”
“As all of you have, I can imagine”, you said. You swallowed a sudden lump as nostalgia hit you.
Namjoon chuckled, nodding his head. His eyes slid to his date, and she blushed as their gaze met. You took that as a cue to leave, and you bowed to them, wishing Namjoon goodbye before walking away, turning your back on the only connection you had to your past.
The rest of the evening went by quicker than one could expect, even as a group came in an hour late to their reservation. You would have turned them around had you not needed to escape in cooking for a little longer, especially after seeing Namjoon.
Once the restaurant finally closed, the last of the guests sauntering off in the night air, you found yourself leaning on a counter in the kitchen, watching the two last assistants that had lingered around to help with the cleaning. Another one was taking inventory to make sure you’d get what you needed for the next day, but she was out of sight for now, lost somewhere in the cold room where you kept most of the food.
You helped the assistants for a moment, ignoring the side-eyed glances they threw your way. You wondered if they could read your emotions on your face. If they could see the nostalgia and the grief that was engraved deep in your heart, that had been carved there by the man you had loved more than you had loved anything else in this world.
Except maybe your restaurant, which, most of all, was probably the reason why you didn’t feel like going home tonight. Going home to an empty and cold apartment, a new space you had never really found the will to decorate, not wanting it to look like the home you had built with Jin. Not wishing to buy new decorations and make it look different either.
You were aware that you were stuck in the past. It wasn’t always so bad – most of the time, Jin was but a lingering thought at the back of your mind and buried deep down in your heart. But tonight, every breath you took smelled like the ghost of him, and the afterimage of the light on your retina was painted in his silhouette.
You hated nostalgia. It was a suffocating feeling, one that made you grieve for a life that could have been had you not let him go in a fit of rage. Had you not been too much of a coward to follow him faster in the night and beg him to stay. Though you were quite sure begging would have made it worse.
At the end of the day, life had happened the way it had been meant to happen. No matter how sour it was, how bitter it felt, you and Jin had always been meant to part ways.
You shook the thoughts away as you made your way home, somewhere between midnight and one in the morning. You took your time, eyes sliding up to the veil of clouds covering the sky once in a while, hoping to catch a glimpse of the moon. Though it lit up the clouds whenever the veil thinned, the moon stayed stubbornly hidden, as if she also was too busy grieving the loss of her love to dare show her face to you.
You chuckled at your drama-filled thoughts as you finally reached home, stopping downstairs to grab the mail before going up. Your apartment complex wasn’t luxurious like the one you had shared with Jin, but it was still fancy enough to have an elevator. You went through the mail as the elevator moved up to your floor.
Your eyes fell on a letter amongst the ads that had been left in your mail, and your brows knit together. You hadn’t gotten a handwritten letter in forever. Actually, you were pretty sure you had never gotten a handwritten letter through the mail before.
You got out of the elevator as you read what was written on the envelope, only then realizing it was from one of your friends back in your hometown, in the suburbs of Seoul. It was the same city where Jin had grown up, though you had only met after you both graduated from high school, when Jin had become a trainee.
You shook him away from your thoughts, focusing on the envelope as you tore it open, only to be greeted with an invitation for a baby shower. Nari and her husband had always liked the western culture, and you weren’t surprised they decided to hold a baby shower. What you were surprised with was that Nari had slid a smaller piece of paper in the envelope, and it fell to the ground slowly.
You cursed under your breath, bending down to pick it up before resuming your walk to your door. You managed to punch in the passcode to your apartment, opening the door with one elbow before walking in and pushing it shut behind you.
The cool darkness of your home welcomed you, and you kicked your shoes off before putting slippers on and walking into the living room. You put the ads and letter down on the coffee table before walking to the wall, where you flicked a switch on. The room came alight with the soft glow of a lamp, and you walked back to the coffee table to grab the letter before sitting on the couch.
You read Nari’s words a couple of times, your tired mind unwilling to let them make sense to you. It was on your fourth read that you realized she was telling you Jin had received the same invitation, and that she wouldn’t be angry at you if you chose not to go.
Your heart beat loud, in your chest, as you read the words again and you realized the path that had moved away from Jin could bring you close to him once more, if he chose to attend the event. If he chose to come, even if Nari and her husband Joonwoong had always been closer to you than to him. Or so you thought. Though Joonwoong and Jin had always gotten along well, gaming together on more than one occasion. It had happened a lot during the pandemic. It also caused a small fight between you and Joonwoong. Indeed, you had blamed him for taking all of Jin’s time as you had vented to Nari, and Nari had told her husband. Fortunately, the fight was long resolved, and you weren’t surprised he and Jin were still friends.
You took a deep breath, eyes sliding to the television on the wall in front of you. You weren’t quite sure you were willing to go to the baby shower. Didn’t know if seeing Jin again would be a good idea, especially after how hard the nostalgia was hitting tonight.
The thought made a laugh bubble in your chest. It was strange, that the letter had come exactly as your thoughts had been filled with Jin, in a way they hadn’t for a long time. In a couple of months, even, as the time apart erased him from your mind better than anything else could have.
You leaned against the couch, looking down at the letter where it rested on your thighs, a little crinkled by the grip of your hands on it. You loosened your grip, flattening the paper before sighing.
You would decide if you were to go tomorrow after a good night of sleep. Or whatever sleep would find you tonight, as your heart danced to a rhythm you thought it had forgotten the moment you had seen Jin leave, all those years ago.
You hated yourself, for missing him like that tonight. For missing the rest of the boys, missing the friendship you had shared with them before the fall. Though if you were honest to yourself, seeing Namjoon had been reassuring, in some sort of way. It was reassuring to know that they were all doing great, even with how hard the pandemic had been, even for them.
You wondered what Jin was thinking, on his side of the world – closer to you than most of the human population, still so far he was but a lingering ghost in your life. You imagined him, as you tried falling asleep. Still awake, sitting behind the screen of a computer as he’d game the night away, the same way he had for most of your relationship, whenever he had a break from work.
In all truth, Jin had received the same letter as you, yet he had found it earlier, a little after Namjoon had told him he was going to visit your restaurant. It had come as a shock to hear about you after all this time. After doing everything he could not to stumble upon a reminder of you, even as he kept a picture of you in his wallet.
A picture of you two, from the first year of your relationship. In that gazebo where you had fallen in love, long before the fall had happened.
He still gazed at the picture sometimes. Ran his finger on your face, wishing he hadn’t made the decision to leave. Knowing it had been the right decision, yet hating himself for it. Hating himself for hoping you’d attend the baby shower, and he’d get a glimpse of your soft pretty eyes, a glimpse of the smile that had stolen his heart when he was still too young to know what love was.
He knew he was confused, but what could he do? Confusion was a constant when one’s heart longed for another.
And maybe that was why he found himself deciding to go to that baby shower two months later. Maybe that was why you decided to go too, with the hopes that you’d run into him and find the words to speak to him. Words you had wanted to tell him back then before he had left. Before he had stepped out and left you in the past.
*****
Hope was a treacherous thing when you owned a fragile heart such as yours. And maybe you should have decided not to go, maybe you should have mailed a gift to Nari and Joonwoong. Instead, you went, closing the restaurant for the weekend as you decided to spend it at your parents’ place like you did once in a while whenever you needed more company than your empty apartment could provide.
Your parents were happy to see you. Ecstatic even, as your mother had a new man for you to meet. Another blind date like all the ones she had made you go on in the last year. None had worked, and you knew that the next one wouldn’t work either. You weren’t interested in a relationship at all, rather preferring to focus on building your reputation in the field of catering and fine cuisine.
And you were right: sitting in front of that stranger in a café you had frequented with Jin all those years ago, you found yourself losing your interest. Wishing you could be home and sipping on a glass of wine. It wasn’t that the guy was bad. He was pretty decent with a career that promised success in the field of finance and a rich family to support him if failure met him. He was nice, with a smile that made his eyes crinkle softly and a laugh that sounded a little childish, yet like a melody.
In all truth, it wasn’t him that was the problem. You were aware it was you, and your unavailable heart that still looked for another in all the people you met. Someone you knew you were going to see the next day, as Nari had told you he’d attend.
Making you go on a blind date the day before seeing Jin had been a stupid idea from your mother, but to make her happy you stayed with the guy for a while, talking about everything and nothing, trying to appear interested in the things he said. You hoped you succeeded, but it didn’t really matter. You knew you weren’t going to see him again.
You found yourself unable to sleep that night. Eyes glued to the ceiling of your childhood room, thoughts roaming over the memories of the past years. Of your older brother who had been friends with Jin’s brother, long before you had even known Jin. Of your parents, who had been so in love and made you believe you’d find a love for yourself like that, some day. It was strange to think that you did and that you had lost it in your selfishness.
You weren’t quite sure if your selfishness had been the cause of the fall. It wasn’t like Jin had been better. You pushed the thoughts aside, rolling on your mattress, eyes falling on the window and on the clouds you could see in the sky, clouds that had been lingering for days.
And when the night sky started lighting up with dawn, you got up and went outside to do a little bit of yoga while the sun rose. Even if it was hidden by the clouds, you always found peace in the early morning, that moment before the world started turning again, when dew clung to every blade of grass, shining in the first rays of the sun.
“Y/n!” your mother shouted from the door of the house. “Breakfast is ready.”
“Coming”, you replied, before finishing your last position.
Once that was done, you rolled your yoga mat, carrying it back inside to your room before meeting your parents in the kitchen. Your brother had long been married and had moved in with his wife in Seoul, in the same neighborhood as your restaurant, so he wasn’t going to come for breakfast.
“How was the date yesterday?” your mother asked as soon as you sat, and you threw her an annoyed glance.
“You should stop forcing me to go on those”, you said, right as she shook her head slightly.
She met your father’s gaze, before resuming her attention on you. “I really thought you would like that one.”
You shrugged, spooning some food in your mouth to refrain from having to say anything. Your mother got the cue, and your parents started eating too, until a lighter conversation about their plans to visit your aunt in Busan filled the air, letting you zone out as you ate your fill.
A little later, you found yourself putting on your favourite clothes – a pale pair of dress pants that had been too overpriced but fit you perfectly, along with a loose dark blue blouse that you tucked in your pants. You fixed your hair too, and put on some make-up. You knew it probably was too extra for a baby shower, but you didn’t care. You wanted to look your best if you were to see Jin.
The walk to Nari and Joonwoong’s place was a little longer than you remembered. You walked with your hands in your pockets, palms already clammy as anxiety moved through you. You had no clue who was attending except for Nari’s two younger twin sisters, Seori and Seri, along with Jin of course. You imagined Joonwoong’s siblings would be there too, but Nari hadn’t given you a clear list of the people in attendance.
Probably because she had thought you wouldn’t go.
Your right hand exited the comfort of your pocket to move to your hair, playing mindlessly with the bang that framed your face. It had gotten a little longer than you usually kept your bangs, and you knew you would have to get it cut soon.
You focused on simple thoughts to distract you from the perspective of seeing Jin. Focusing on them proved to be fruitless, because as you neared the house where your friends were going to build their family, your eyes fell on a familiar silhouette you would have recognized anywhere.
You knew those broad shoulders by heart, along with the dark hair atop his head. It was longer now, a little more ruffled as if he didn’t really care about his appearance all that much. Your fingers ached to touch the strands you knew were soft, and your hands trembled as you got closer to him, while he waited for someone to come open the door for him.
You were still a good ten feet away from the door when it opened, revealing a round-bellied Nari with a wide grin on her face. She didn’t notice you as she let Jin in, and the door shut before you reached it, as your heartbeat reached a rhythm that had to be anything but good for your health.
You waited for a moment before knocking, maybe because you were hoping Jin would be gone by the time someone would open for you. You were a coward, through and through, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.
In all truth, you didn’t bring yourself to knock until a small family arrived, with two small children that kept running around and screaming with happy laughs and shrieks as the boy tickled his sister. You watched them for a time, as the parents neared you, face breaking into an endeared smile.
You had always loved children. Had always wanted to have a couple of them, back when you were with Jin. You still wanted some today, but it was a different want, like an unreachable goal that shimmered in the distance the same way a mirage did in the desert.
“Hello”, the woman greeted you.
You bowed as you echoed her greeting, right as the children finally settled down beside their parents, the girl throwing you a curious glance as she hid behind her mother’s legs. You smiled at her, before resuming your attention on the mother.
“I just got here”, you said, as if you needed to reassure her that you weren’t avoiding knocking on the door. Which, in truth, had been what you were doing.
“Let’s knock”, she replied, and the air filled with awkwardness before you finally turned, knocking on the door.
Your heart resumed its treacherous rhythm as you waited for the door to open and you were relieved when it did, revealing a disheveled Joonwoong.
“Y/n!” he greeted you happily, before speaking to the couple and their children behind you as he moved to the side to let you pass.
You listened to them speak as you took off your shoes. Apparently, the woman was one of Joonwoong’s coworkers, and she was currently pregnant with her third child, though she had yet to show. It made you jealous, in some sort of way, and you tuned out the conversation to focus on your surroundings.
Nari and Joonwoong’s house was a wide open space, with a staircase in one corner that led to the upstairs where you imagined the bedrooms were. A table was pushed against one of the walls, with a pile of gifts and colourful balloons on each end. People were scattered around the whole area, with a few of them sitting on a L-shaped couch next to the television on the wall. The kitchen was on the opposite end of the open area and an array of snacks rested on the table, for the guests to pick from if they wanted to. That was where Jin was, and your eyes immediately moved away as you saw him standing there, hands in his pockets, looking awkward with Nari speaking to her twin sisters next to him.
In all truth, you were surprised that Jin was there. He had never been one for crowds, even though he was an idol. Indeed, he had always been more of an introvert, and maybe that had been another reason why your relationship had been doomed from the start: you had always liked going out, and it wasn’t something Jin had had to offer you, at the end.
Or maybe that had been the pandemic.
You shook the thoughts away, right as you felt a tiny fist pulling on your pants. You glanced down to see the little girl with a shy smile on her face. You bent so you were at a level with her, and you offered her your sweetest smile.
“Hey there”, you told her.
“You are very pretty”, she said with a small childish voice that made your heart fill with endearment.
Her comment surprised you, as you hadn’t expected the compliment, but you immediately thanked her, telling her that she was the prettiest around here. That made her blush as her mother laughed next to her.
“She is practicing talking to people”, the mother told you once the little girl ran away, with her brother on her heels. “She’s always been shy, but we’re trying to make her come out of her shell.”
You chuckled as you nodded. “Going for a compliment right away doesn’t sound like she’s too shy.”
The mother laughed as she nodded in agreement. “She’s gotten a lot better.” Her eyes moved away from your face, and as soon as you saw her mouth falling open, you knew what she had seen.
Everyone had that reaction when they saw Jin back when you were dating. The perks of him being a worldwide famous idol.
The woman’s eyes moved back to you, right as she motioned behind her to tap on her husband’s arm. You waited for him to see Jin too, your own gaze falling to the floor as you felt awkwardness moving through you once again.
“Joonwoong didn’t mention Jin from BTS was going to be here”, the man said. It was said like it was some sort of a joke, like he didn’t quite believe Jin was there.
You didn’t blame him, you could hardly believe it yourself. You glanced over your shoulder and your eyes met Jin’s gaze for a time.
The world stopped turning, as your breath caught in your throat and your heart stopped in your chest. Jin offered you a small smile and a bow of his head, before leaning closer to Nari as she was saying something to him. He laughed at her words, and the sound of his laugh carried across the room to meet your ears.
It struck you dumb, and you turned your head away as everything inside of you felt like it was burning. As if you had caught fire and no one was to come to put it out. It hurt, deeply, and you wished you hadn’t come. Wish you hadn’t been stupid enough to want to come.
You and Jin were done. There was a whole abyss between you now, with no bridge to lead to him the way it had before. You had known it before you had come, of course. Hell, the break-up letter had been clear about it, as you had reread it in the last few days. But to see him there, to know he was nearby, yet too far… it cut you deeply. Made you feel as if you were bleeding out.
“Are you okay?” the woman asked, her concern for you replacing her surprise at the sight of Jin.
You met her gaze, wondering what you looked like for her to ask. Maybe you had blanched, as if you had seen a ghost. Maybe your eyebrows had fallen, or maybe your whole stance had fallen. It wouldn’t surprise you, you had always been an open book.
“Yes”, you lied, and you managed to take a couple of breaths, breaths that had your pain easing until it was just a numb feeling at the back of your mind.
You’d let yourself hurt as soon as you’d leave. You knew it was going to be soon, you didn’t feel like sticking around when just the smallest eye contact had you feeling like that.
And maybe you were stronger than you let yourself believe. Because you did stay, keeping away from Jin as best as you could, talking to the woman you had just met. Playing with the children, as the little girl tended to go back to you more often than the others. Maybe because you had been the only one to actually take the time to speak to her.
It was easier once the initial shock passed. Easier to pretend that Jin was just another stranger, as you avoided his gaze and his general presence. Easier to act as if you were fine, all the while feeling your heart break a little more.
Your eyes betrayed you sometimes, sliding to him even though you tried to ignore him. He looked good, effortlessly so. Full lips stretching into a smile that lit up his whole face as he laughed along with Joonwoong and the other men. Some of them looked like friends to him, and it was a strange sight to see him like that.
He looked happy. Maybe that, most of all, unnerved you. Seeing him happy, as if your presence didn’t affect him at all. Or maybe he was just a better actor than you.
Maybe he had just learned to push the pain so far in the depths of his heart he could barely feel it anymore. It was bound to break out some day, but today, he’d push it deeper, until it was like it didn’t even exist anymore.
Perhaps then he’d be able to catch a glimpse of you without feeling like he was drowning.
*****
Years ago, the gazebo where you were sitting had been lit up with fairy lights. A string of them, that you could see up above your head, but they had died a long time ago. The landscape was the same though, with the distant mountains and the moon high up in the sky now that the clouds had finally dispersed. Closer to you, trees reached up to the heavens, though there was a break in them where the gazebo was so you could gaze at the view.
The gazebo wasn’t well maintained. There was a hole in the floor through which you could see rocks littering the ground, and there were spiderwebs everywhere, with their occasional occupant. You almost felt bad for disrupting their peace as you sat there, but you had needed to get away.
Memories were engraved into the wood of the gazebo, where lovers had carved their names and promises of forever. You knew that somewhere on your right your own initials, along with Jin’s, were etched on the side of the bench.
You remembered the day you had carved them there, with the Swiss knife your father had gifted you after his trip to Sweden. It had been a sunny day, with wind making the leaves of the trees dance, splotches of sunlight following a chaotic pattern as it reached the floor of the gazebo. Jin had been sitting on the floor, reading initials and what previous lovers had written. Until you had chosen to sit next to him and had started carving a memory of your own love.
You wondered if time had erased the carving, the way it had erased the love between you and Jin.
The gazebo had been a frequent meeting place for you and Jin. That summer you had met… it had been spent under this same roof, watching those same distant mountains, and listening to that same wind. It had been warm, hot even, though young love blossoming had kept it bearable. Enjoyable, too.
It was in that same gazebo that Jin had kissed you for the first time. In that same gazebo that he had proposed to you, that early September evening, along with your family.
The moon looked lonely, up in the sky. A full moon, brighter than the stars surrounding it, yet it looked lonely. Much like you felt. You wondered if Jin sometimes looked up at the sky and felt lonely too even with all his love for the moon up there.
It had been hard to see him earlier. Harder than you had expected and had you known, you wouldn’t have gone. It was strange to you that your friends still were friends with Jin. It made you think of the members, and the nostalgia felt too real.
It sucked that they had chosen to end your friendship when Jin had broken up with you. Sucked that Jin hadn’t had to lose most of his friends the way you had lost yours. It made you jealous, in some sort of way.
Jealousy wasn’t a beautiful emotion. It was filled with poison, the kind that slowly made your bones dissolve like they’d been thrown into acid. It was a slow pain, one that choked your lungs up with the feeling of drowning.
You hated it. Hated that Jin had looked so happy earlier. Hated that he had barely acknowledged your presence, merely nodding your way before focusing back on his conversation.
Mostly, you hated how some part of you had seen him and felt relieved. As if your heart had finally come home, even with all the distance between you. Hearing his laugh had been healing, too. But seeing his smile… it had broken your heart all over again.
You hadn’t cried about your lost love in a long time now. Didn’t think you were going to cry tonight either, yet your eyes felt wet. Vision becoming blurry, you found yourself blinking away tears right as you shivered in a particular cold gust of wind.
It felt even colder when you turned and noticed a figure standing there.
Then every sensation left your body when you recognized Jin, with his hands in his pockets and a startled look on his face. As if he hadn’t expected to see you there.
There was a long moment of you just looking at each other. Waiting for the other to speak, to act as if the world hadn’t just stopped for you. And you didn’t want to be the first one to speak, didn’t want him to hear the tremolo that was sure to take over your voice.
“Hi”, he said, voice small and shy in a way that was so different to the guy you had loved.
Your heart picked up its pace in your chest, and suddenly every sensation rushed back to you: the feeling of his eyes on you, the fabric of your shirt brushing your skin, the moon reflecting in his gaze. The smell of the forest surrounding you, mixed with the underlying scent of rotten wood. The sound of a cricket somewhere in the distance, along with the call of a night bird in the forest.
You noticed everything at once, as his single word floated in the air between you.
“I didn’t expect to find you here”, he continued as you stayed mute, as if you didn’t even know how to be human anymore.
In all honesty, you were pretty sure you didn’t.
He looked down, and his eyes trailed to the hole in the floor. He seemed surprised to see it there. You understood why: he too had to remember when you had come here when you were younger and foolish and falling in love. Back then, the gazebo had been well kept by a kind old man who climbed all the way here every morning.
“I can leave you alone if you want”, he said, eyes stubbornly avoiding your face as yours continued boring into his forehead.
Some sense came back to you, and you let out a small nervous laugh. “Sorry, no, you can stay.” You wet your lips as he met your gaze again. “I was leaving anyway.”
You got up, but Jin was quicker. “No!” His mouth hung open for a time, as if he regretted the sudden outburst. He then shrugged, before shaking his head slightly. “You can stay.”
With me.
The words were unsaid, yet they shone in his eyes. You nodded slightly before looking away from him, unable to hold his gaze. You listened to him climb the two stairs to the gazebo as he moved in, before sitting on the opposite side from you. You sat back down, trying to ignore the space between you.
The gazebo wasn’t particularly large, maybe six feet or so. If Jin were to lie down in the middle, you knew he’d almost touch the two sides. It also meant that him sitting in front of you brought him a lot closer than you felt comfortable with and you kept looking in the distance, trying to ignore his presence.
But it was hard. Jin lit up the gazebo, as if the fairy lights had fallen under his skin and the electricity running along his nerves was enough to light them up again. It made your heart beat painfully as it beat erratically, not sure which symphony to embrace.
You hated it, and really hoped you had chosen to leave. But it felt too late now as if it’d just make everything all the more awkward.
The distinct sound of a zipper being opened met your ears, a strange sound that felt out of place in the middle of the night. You turned to look at him, unable to resist, to see he had a backpack next to him.
You hadn’t even noticed it, but Jin had brought a backpack with him. Your eyes widened a little as he fished a wine bottle out of it, along with a single plastic cup.
He looked up, as if feeling your gaze on him. “Had I known you were here I’d have brought two of these”, he said, moving the cup up a little before letting his hand fall in his lap, eyes following a second later.
“Oh, it’s okay.” Your words had him meeting your gaze again. “Are you…” you trailed off, cheeks flushing. “Were you going to drink alone?”
He chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. “I didn’t think you were going to be here, so yeah, that was the plan.”
Why had he chosen to come here? The question swirled in your thoughts, deafening every sound around you.
Had he needed to satiate his nostalgia, much like you had needed to?
“I look like a loser, don’t I?”
His sentence had a strange laugh bubbling in your chest. It was awkward, and a small smile moved on his lips as your gaze dropped to the floor. “You don’t”, you reassured him.
Why did you break up with me in a letter?
You wanted to ask him. Had been wanting to ask him since you had first seen him earlier… but he looked peaceful, somewhat, in the silver light of the moon. You didn’t want to ruin it with questions your heart had been wondering about for so long.
“Do you want to drink with me?” he asked.
You still avoided his eyes, but your gaze moved to the wine bottle. There wasn’t enough light for you to discern which wine it was. All you could tell was that it looked like a red.
“It’s an Antu”, he said. “Isn’t that your favourite?”
He knew it was. You didn’t know why he had asked because he knew it was.
It was that same bottle you had been drinking the night you had fought for the last time.
“You still remember?”
There was a heavy silence then, as Jin looked away, towards the horizon. You watched his profile, noticing the way his lips were tightly pulled into a straight line. Like he was hurt.
Maybe his memories hurt him just as much as yours hurt you.
“Yeah”, he flatly said after a time. He sighed, before sliding his eyes towards you again. “I remember a lot.”
You couldn’t look away this time and you offered him a sad smile. “It’s hard to forget someone you really loved, huh?”
He nodded, letting out a bitter chuckle. “It really is.” He put the glass down next to him before twisting the cap of the bottle open. He poured some wine, allowing himself a taste before handing you the glass.
You looked at it as if it was foreign, as if the scene was straight out of an absurd movie. And it really felt as if it was because he couldn’t have hurt the way you had. He had been the one to break up in the first place, even though you had known that the relationship had come to an end too. You would have liked to fight for it, but life had other plans for you.
You grabbed the cup, avoiding his fingers like the plague. You didn’t feel like touching him, not when just the sight of him hurt you like it did. You took a small sip, and the aromas of the wine danced on your tongue before you swallowed. The taste lingered a moment and it reminded you of that night three years ago.
Needless to say you hadn’t drunk that wine again after losing Jin.
“How has work been going?” he asked, as his gaze slid to the horizon, to the mountains coated in that silver glow the moon provided to the whole scene.
“Great.” You took another sip. “The restaurant has been going really great now that the pandemic is over.”
“Good to hear.” It sounded genuine, the way he said it, with softness making his voice fall low at the end. “RM had only good things to say about the food.”
A small smile formed on your lips. “Hope he had good things to say about his date as well.”
Jin chuckled, and from the corner of your eye you saw him take a sip straight from the bottle. “They are dating now, so trust me, he has plenty of good things to say about her. He is head over heels for her.”
“Good for him”, you said.
You fell silent for a time, both of you contemplating the mountains. It was a comfortable silence, as if the initial surprise of seeing him here had melted into expectation. As if you had expected him to meet you here under the gazebo, as he had so many times before.
“All the members are dating, actually”, Jin admitted.
Your eyes widened, and your gaze slid to him. “All of them?”
Jin laughed before taking a swig of the Antu. “Yeah. We just had a dinner with all their girlfriends.” He sighed, though a soft smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “I’m happy they have found their own happiness.”
You were happy for them too, yet your heart felt heavy in your chest. Because even though Jin seemed happy for his friends, there was a heaviness in the air surrounding him. And you could imagine why, he was the oldest and he was the only one that was single now. It had to weigh on him, in some sort of way.
“Though”, he met your gaze, and your hand that held the cup shook a little at the sadness you saw in his eyes, “It feels weird to know that they have all found their person.”
You knew him all too well. After all this time, you still knew him all too well.
“Why is that?” you found yourself asking, even though you knew the answer.
He shrugged, looking in the distance again. You followed his gaze, as if it’d give him more privacy to reply to your question. He remained silent for a time, and you took a sip of the wine.
“I always thought I’d be the first to…” he trailed off. “Well, me or Jungkook-ie. I thought one of us would be the first to get married and all…” He chuckled, a sad sound that made your heart ache in your chest. “Won’t happen now.”
It angered you, just a little, because it could have happened hadn’t he chosen to break up with you. But it was in the past, and a fragile peace clung to the moment. You didn’t want to be the one to make it fall into chaos.
“Well, maybe Jungkook and Sena will get married soon”, you pointed out.
Jin winced, shaking his head. “Jungkook is not dating Sena anymore.”
It startled you, to hear that. “What?”
“Yeah…” Jin met your gaze. “He’s dating a tattoo artist now. And I don’t think they plan to get married.”
“Oh”, you let out. “Why not?”
Jin shrugged, before drinking a little wine. “One of the reasons why Jungkook and Sena broke up is because she wanted to get married and he didn’t.”
You remembered that. Sena had always gushed about the day she’d get married, had sent you pictures of wedding dresses and all the likes for a long time. Until you had split up with Jin, and then she’d started talking to you less and less until she didn’t at all anymore. You hadn’t tried to maintain the relationship either, as she reminded you of Jin too much.
You had avoided reminders of Jin for months after the breakup. Years, even.
“Oh, I see.” You drank, letting the wine roll on your tongue for a long time before swallowing. “Who do you think will get married first, then?”
“I have a feeling for Taehyung, but he started dating his girlfriend pretty recently.”
You smiled, nodding your head. “He’s always been a big romantic, though.”
“He has”, Jin agreed.
Jin had been a big romantic too, before you had made the mistake of moving in together because of the pandemic.
But you didn’t feel like fighting tonight. Just felt like talking to him like time hadn’t split you up like it had. You wanted to let the calm atmosphere of the night heal some parts of you that had never healed, after the breakup.
The perks of never really having in person closure.
“How… how has work been going for you?” you asked, carefully, after the silence between you had stretched into minutes, minutes of you both looking at the scenery.
“Well”, he said. “It’s been going well. It’s strange though. To not be doing everything with the members anymore.”
You slowly nodded. “I can imagine that it is.”
“But it’s been great”, he added. “Some change is always good, you know.”
You would have done without the change of losing him, but you couldn’t really tell him that, right?
Or maybe you could.
“Why did you break up with me in that letter?” you asked, a little out of the blue. The question had found its way to your lips quicker than you could stop it, and you let it hang in the air between the two of you.
You deserved an answer, after all this time. After all the haunting that the ghost of Jin had been in your life.
Jin looked startled, yet he didn’t flee. Didn’t become angry like he used to back then. “You told me to never come back.”
You slowly nodded, though you didn’t really remember what had happened that night. As if it had hurt too much and your brain had chosen to forget it.
“You never…” you trailed off, taking a sip of wine to hide the tremble in your voice. “You never considered that I didn’t mean it?”
He shrugged, sighing heavily. “I did, for a time. But then I realized that our relationship wasn’t what it was like anymore and figured it was just best to end it then.”
He had written so in his letter, so it was nothing new to you. Yet it hurt to hear him say it aloud.
“It was a little traumatizing, to come home one day and see that all of your stuff was gone”, you said.
You had wanted to tell him for years. Had almost given in and called him countless times in the weeks after that evening. But you hadn’t, your pride winning over your need for closure.
He had told you to call, though. In his letter. The last few lines had been about wanting to arrange a meeting in person so you could talk. You had chosen not to. Hadn’t been able to, in all honesty.
“I…” he let out, before falling silent. He didn’t speak again for a long time, and tears were welling up in your eyes, blurring the landscape in front of you, by the time he spoke again. “I apologize. I was messed up back then, and I just thought about myself.”
Maybe that had been your undoing. The fact that both of you had thought about yourselves, and never about the two of you together. You had been too individual in the whole relationship.
It didn’t matter anymore.
You couldn’t tell him that it was okay because it had never really been. So you remained silent, instead sipping the wine, trying to ignore your heart breaking in your chest all over again.
It was hard when you were fully aware that Jin had been the love of your life. In three years, you hadn’t even been able to look at another man and imagine having a sexual relationship with him, let alone a future. All your nights were still haunted by Jin. All of them belonged to him, just like all your days belonged to his absence.
“I really am sorry”, Jin said as you remained silent. “I shouldn’t have taken the cowardly way out.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore”, you said, trying to reassure him.
Another beat of silence passed between you two.
“You know, I would have wished for things to end differently”, he admitted. “It does matter.”
A tear slipped on your cheek, and you hoped he didn’t notice. Wished it with all of your heart. So, you drank some wine, finishing the cup he had handed you before focusing on the moon. A veil of clouds had hidden it, a little, and it was lit up by a silver glow, as if the moon had diffused in all the clouds.
Perhaps you were stupid for thinking he wouldn’t notice, when he still knew you by heart the way you knew him.
“Y/n…” he let out.
You glanced at him, and it just had more tears rolling on your cheeks. “Sorry.” You put the cup down on the bench next to you, before quickly getting up. “I’ll leave you alone.”
“Don’t go”, he said softly, but you could barely hear him over the sound of your heart breaking all over again.
You took a few steps away, and maybe it was because the moon didn’t light up the gazebo anymore or because your tears were blurring your sight, but you forgot there was a hole in the floor. Only remembered when your leg went through it, and the sound of your pants tearing as you fell had you wincing.
Or maybe it was the pain that followed that truly had you wincing, as a burning sensation went up your leg.
“Are you okay?” Jin asked, and it sounded as if he had asked already, and you were deafened by the pain overcoming your nerves.
“Fuck.”
You had never cursed all that much in your life, and that more than anything told Jin that you in fact were not okay at all. He was kneeling in front of you – when had he moved? – a concerned look etched on his pretty features, heart-shaped mouth opened on a “o” sound that never reached your ears.
You met his gaze, blinking back tears, though this time you didn’t feel like crying because of the heartbreak. No, you were just infinitely embarrassed and were afraid to take a look at your leg.
“Let me help you out of there”, he gently said. Holding out his hands for you to take, though he didn’t touch you before you actually grabbed his hands.
In your panic, his warm touch barely registered in your mind. Especially as he tried pulling you up, and something dug in your leg. You screamed in pain and Jin let you go, a panicked expression taking over his features.
“Y/n…”
You blinked back more tears, before shutting your eyes and pulling your leg out. Adrenaline hid the first spark of pain, but as soon as your foot was resting on the floor next to you, away from the hole, the pain rushed back to you.
Or maybe the sight of blood staining your pale pants made the pain come back all the faster.
“You’re hurt”, Jin stated, right as the colours leached from his features. Not that you could really see it in the night, but the adrenaline made you all too aware.
“There was a nail.”
Your statement met deaf ears as Jin gently pulled your pants up to see the wound. It wasn’t a long cut, but it was deep enough to have blood gushing out of it. You paled even more at the sight of it, as your head turned dizzy.
“Oh God.”
“It’s going to be alright”, Jin reassured you, though he looked just as afraid as you. “I’ll carry you down and then we can call an ambulance.”
“I’m sure I don’t need to go to the hospital”, you said, but your voice was weak.
He didn’t say anything, instead moving towards the wine and the backpack. He put the cap back on the bottle before stuffing it in the bag.
“I swear I’m fine”, you insisted, and you pushed up to your feet. The feeling of newer warmer blood running down the side of your leg had fresh tears welling up in your eyes.
Jin put the backpack on so it rested on his stomach, before moving back to you. “Climb on my back”, he ordered, bending down so you could do so.
You slowly shook your head.
“Y/n, please, I just want to get you to safety.”
“I can walk”, you said, crossing your arms on your chest so he couldn’t see your hands shaking.
He threw you a no-bullshit look that had you look away. “Just climb on my back”, he said, gently, but with the firm voice you had seen him using with the members countless times before.
The same voice his older brother usually used on him.
“Okay”, you finally agreed because really, you couldn’t stand on your leg anymore, the pain making your knee weak. So, you wrapped your arms around Jin’s neck, and he pulled you up until your legs were circling his waist. “You’re going to get blood on you.”
“I don’t care”, he said and he started walking.
The sudden movement had you become all too aware of every part of your body that was touching him. It ached, a different way than the burning in your leg, as you rested your forehead against his shoulder.
“I’m sorry”, you apologized again.
“Stop being sorry, you’re injured, it’s only normal for me to take care of you.”
That had you crying again, and you held him tighter. “No. I’m sorry for the way things went down three years ago.”
Jin didn’t reply, but his grip on the side of your thighs tightened.
The walk down the small mountain was a short one, just under twenty minutes. Twenty minutes that you spent in silence, head still resting against Jin’s shoulder. Heart still beating achily, as the burning in your leg grew numb. Jin rubbed your thighs with his thumbs mindlessly as he walked, and all you could do was listen to the sounds of the forest surrounding you.
When you finally reached the street, Jin put you down on a bench before calling an ambulance. He sat next to you after that, close enough so that his thigh was touching yours on the side of your uninjured leg.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
You shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”
He slowly nodded, eyes getting lost in the reflection of the streetlamp in a puddle left from the rain earlier. “You know…” He chuckled, sadly, and if it wasn’t for the pain in your leg you would have moved until you could hug him. “You shouldn’t be sorry for how things ended.”
“But I am”, you said matter-of-factly. “I wanted to hate you for so long, but at the end of the day, it was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t”, he shook his head. “We both had our wrong-doings in the relationship.”
“I asked too much of you.”
It was true, in some sort of way. You had asked too much of him after you had moved in together. You had asked for stuff Jin couldn’t really give you, until he had become too tired to even try.
“I was too immature to give you what you needed”, he replied with a small voice. “I regretted it a lot.”
“You don’t anymore?”
“Not like I did at first.” He paused, eyes darting to you once before moving back to the safety of the puddle. “I hope you didn’t regret it.”
You chuckled bitterly, and hadn’t it been for the wound on your leg you would have gotten up and stormed off. “Jin, please stop saying that.” You met his gaze. “Stop saying that I shouldn’t be sorry or that I shouldn’t regret. I wanted to fight for you and you didn’t even give me the option.”
His brows knit together as he clenched his jaw, but a deep breath had his features loosening immediately. “You could have called, and we could have talked in person”, he pointed out. “At first I really just wanted a break.”
You didn’t reply, remaining stubbornly silent, though the sudden anger that had filled your entire being left you, the pain in your leg overpowering it.
“I’m really happy I got to see you today”, Jin admitted after a long silence.
You shut your eyes, head hanging low. Until he wrapped an arm around your shoulders to pull you in his embrace. Tears rolled down your cheeks but you didn’t move, didn’t say anything. You wanted to enjoy the warmth of him once more. For the last time, perhaps.
“I like your hair”, he continued.
You had cut it short, after him. Gone were the long locks cascading down your back: your hair was shoulder-length now.
“Thank you”, you whispered, your voice breaking at the end.
Jin only tightened his hold on you, as he rested his chin on top of your head. He didn’t speak for a long time. If you were in his head, you’d know that his heart was shattered, had been shattered since that night you had told him not to come back. You’d know letting you go had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do, and that he’d take it back if he could. He wasn’t sure you wanted that too.
“Do you know why I went to the gazebo?” he asked, with the tiniest voice he could muster up.
“Why?”
“I hoped I was going to find you there, like that summer we met.”
You pushed away from him, so you could look him in the eyes. So you could see the truth in his dark gaze, and in the sad smile that adorned his lips.
“You remember?”
You were startled to see a tear rolling down his cheek. “How could I forget?”
Your gaze fell and your eyes caught on the glint of a chain disappearing in his dress shirt. “We had fun that summer.”
He nodded slowly. “We did. It’s crazy to think that it’s been thirteen years.”
You had never really thought about it, but it was true. You had met Jin in 2010, the year he had become a trainee. Even with the busy schedule that it had entailed, you had still managed to meet up at the gazebo, until you were in love thinking you were going to spend your lives together.
Oh how you had been wrong.
“It’s sad that the gazebo is all rotted now”, you whispered, and your eyes moved back up to his face.
“How’s your leg?” he asked.
You didn’t have time to reply before the blaring siren of the ambulance rose in the distance as it moved closer to you. “You know I’m not sure an ambulance was needed”, you said again. And you glanced at your leg, paling once again at all the blood. Though it wasn’t bleeding all that much anymore, most of it had just dried on your skin.
“If you got cut by a nail you want to make sure you get it checked by a doctor”, he said. “You might need shots for tetanus too.”
He was right, and to have him care for you like that… it had your heart squeezing in your chest all over again.
“I could have asked my parents to drive me”, you murmured, face turning away from him.
He shrugged, offering you a small sad smile. “Let me take care of you. Just this one last time.”
New tears filled your eyes and had it not been for the ambulance finally arriving, you would have burst out crying right then. You were glad the paramedics saved you the embarrassment, even as Jin insisted to accompany you in the ambulance. Even as he sat next to you, holding your hand as one of the paramedics took a look at the cut.
Seeing the wound had you paling even more, so you looked away, focusing on Jin’s hand in yours. On the feeling of him next to you, like he had been all these years ago. And he remained by your side all through the trip to the hospital, not once letting go of your hand, except when the doctor had a nurse inject a vaccine shot in your arm.
Only then did he let you go, only to grab your hand again right when the shot was done.
When the wound was dressed and you were all ready to go, Jin walked with you to the front door, hands deep in his pockets. You hadn’t spoken much during the whole ordeal, but his comforting presence had your heart squeeze in your chest with memories of the past. With what-ifs and could-have-beens that felt sour even as you stepped outside in the fresh air of the night.
“Thank you”, you whispered as you walked side by the side, the sounds of the city meeting your ears once again, with you stumbling a little as the doctor had requested for you to use crutches for a few days. Just so you didn’t put weight on your leg, until the wound had started healing and didn’t threaten to open up again.
Jin’s gaze slid to your profile, lingering there for a moment too long before he spoke again. “Would you like to get dinner sometime?”
You stopped in your tracks, almost falling face first as you still weren’t quite used to walking with crutches. Jin stopped in front of you, turning to face you with a look on his face that you hadn’t seen in forever. An open door you hadn’t expected to see again. Some part of you wanted to shut the door, to run away while you still could, to end the relationship the right way, but a bigger part of you wanted to see him again. To know that he wasn’t fully gone from your life. Maybe it was a mistake, but you found you were too much of a coward to say no.
“I…” you trailed off, eyes falling in the void making up the space between you. “Are you sure it’s a good idea?”
You heard him gulp before he replied. “We can just talk. It could be… great, to talk again.”
Your eyes filled with tears once more, as they seemed to be doing quite a lot today. You slowly shook your head, gaze moving back up to his. The light in his eyes died at the sight of your tears, and he just stood there, unmoving, as if he had stopped breathing altogether.
“Why would we talk again?” you whispered, gaze shying away from his again. “Why would we do that to ourselves when we know it’s just going to hurt in the end?”
One of his hands moved up to his face, and you only then realized that he was crying too. “It doesn’t have to hurt.”
“You broke up with me, Jin”, you said, anger suddenly flaring up in your chest, a little like it had back then. All of a sudden, from a place in you that felt foreign to your usual calm behaviour. “We are over.”
His eyes were shut when you looked at his face again. “I’m sorry I asked.” He slowly shook his head, and you watched his features, committing them to memory as his bottom lip trembled. “I’ve just…”
When he didn’t say anything for a time, you found yourself wishing you hadn’t refused. Because seeing him hurting like that undid you, made you want to brush away the tear that rolled down his cheek, made you want to pull him in your embrace and never let him go.
You had never really stopped loving him, hadn’t you?
“You could come to the restaurant”, you suggested, with the smallest voice you had been able to muster up. Because it spoke against the sense in your head, against your will to protect yourself from the man that had destroyed you.
He didn’t say anything for a time, didn’t move at all. The only thing that moved was the tear on his cheek that finally reached his jaw. You watched it fall from his face, slowly, until you couldn’t distinguish it in the night anymore.
“If you want me to”, he finally said, his tone matching the one that had taken over your own voice.
You gulped, finding yourself unable to speak. As much as you were afraid, you wanted to see him again. Didn’t want tonight to be the last night you’d gaze at the man you had once loved as much as you had. The one that you still loved, though you couldn’t quite tell if the love was the same as it had once been.
Because memories… memories made one feel like they did once, even if the true feelings were gone. As if the soul still remembers, and echoes of the love reaches it sometimes. Reaches the darkest corners of one’s heart, lighting it up for a time before letting it fall into darkness once again.
“If you really want me to, I’d love to come to the restaurant”, he repeated as you remained silent.
You slowly nodded, taking a deep breath to ease the ache in your heart, though it made you focus on the numb pain that still adorned your leg. You moved a little, putting more weight on your uninjured leg as Jin watched you carefully, trying to lessen the pain.
“Okay”, you let out. “Yes. I could make you some kimchi jiggae.”
His eyes lit up, and he slowly nodded his head, a little like you had done just a few seconds ago. “I would love that.” He chuckled then, as if in disbelief, before speaking again. “I could help you, so you don’t do all the work.”
It was strange to hear him say that. As much as he had helped you with cooking back then, it felt strange to hear him say those words. As if they meant more, as if they meant something you had needed to hear three years ago, that night your relationship had died. It made you anxious about the whole ordeal, but you didn’t find the strength to look away, didn’t find the courage to tell him it wasn’t a good idea. The only thing you wanted was to add one more thing, yet the words didn’t reach your lips, dying somewhere in your throat, choking it up with nostalgia and apprehension.
Please don’t break my heart again.
*****
You didn’t remember the last time you had been so anxious. As if the whole world was on your shoulder tonight, and a single faux pas would send it crumbling down into chaos. You had been trembling for a while, clammy hands endlessly rearranging the ingredients for the meal you’d cook tonight. You had swept the floors so many times already you were pretty sure you hadn’t forgotten a single speck of dust in the whole place. Yet the anxiety didn’t leave you, rendering you unable to do anything else than pick at your nails.
Your leg had healed, in the few weeks since you had last seen Jin. You hadn’t been able to organize the dinner earlier considering Jin had been busy with work and you hadn’t been able to close the restaurant for a night before. Jin had offered to pay for renting the restaurant for the night, but you had refused, feeling weird about having your ex pay you that way.
You had a scar now where you had ripped your skin on the nail of the gazebo. It wasn’t a straight line, even with the stitches that you had gotten with Jin that night. It was mostly healed now and you had gotten the stitches taken out a week ago, but it still hurt a little, the skin feeling as if it was strangely stretched. It often itched, and you had to resist the urge to scratch it, to play with it the way you had been playing with the scar in your heart.
That scar was different. New, in a way you didn’t quite understand. Maybe because it had been a gaping hole for so long while Jin was gone from your life. It had taken closure and a wound for the hole to finally heal, to finally come together as one again. It made life different, somehow. You weren’t stupid as to why, hope painted everything in pastel and softness. And you hated that you were hopeful, but you had seen something in Jin’s eyes that night. Something you didn’t think you had seen since way before you had moved in together.
You refused to put a word on it, to give it meaning. Because giving it meaning would give it power, power to break you. You didn’t want to get hurt again yet you were excited about tonight. Anxious, yes, but excited nonetheless.
You sighed, running a hand through your hair as your eyes slid to the time on your phone once again. You were sitting on a high stool with one leg bouncing up and down as you waited for Jin to arrive. He had texted to say he was going to be late because of some unexpected traffic, promising that he was doing his best to come as quickly as he could. He had then sent you a bunch of screenshots from his groupchat with the rest of the members, with laughing emojis at how the boys had reacted when he had announced that you were getting dinner together tonight. They all were excited, way more than you had expected them to be, and Namjoon had even texted you saying to let him know if Jin was being a dick, so he could beat him up for you.
You didn’t know how to feel about it, but to have Jin be comfortable enough to share with you what the boys had said warmed your heart in some way. Even if they had all been teasing, saying stuff you weren’t sure they had expected you to read.
It didn’t really matter, because you hadn’t been able to stop smiling even with all the anxiety.
You sighed once again, breath shaking a little as it came out, and your heart stopped beating in your chest when you received a text. Unfortunately, it was from your mom, saying that she was ready to murder Jin if he so much as hurt you again.
You winced as you read the words. You were typing in your reply when your phone started vibrating in your hand, Jin’s name appearing at the top. This time, your heart stopped for good, and you watched the name for a while before finally answering the call.
“Hey”, you said, voice sounding a little strained. You scraped your throat as Jin greeted you on his side of the line.
“I’m at the door”, he said, and you could hear the smile in his voice. It made your heart start beating again, with warmth and butterflies that felt treacherous.
You pushed the anxiety aside as you got up. “I didn’t leave it unlocked?” you asked, and you started walking towards the entry.
“Oh, you did, just wanted to hear your voice already”, Jin replied, and you stopped in your tracks.
This time, the butterflies didn’t feel quite as treacherous, and you couldn’t help the smile that grew on your lips. “Well, come in, come in”, you said, and blush crept on your cheeks as Jin told you he was already in.
It didn’t take him more than a few seconds to appear in your line of sight, and you almost dropped your phone at the sight of him.
He had styled his hair back, and not a single strand stood out of place. He was wearing a black pair of dress pants, with a white shirt tucked in that hugged his body perfectly. His lips were stretched in a smile that tugged at the corners, making his eyes shine a little. He had a slight flush on his cheeks that made him seem so real and not a distant invention of your brain, and you wondered for a time how it was possible for a man like you to want to get dinner with a woman like you.
Jin was also holding a bouquet of red roses, and he had a bottle of wine under his arm. You knew it was an Antu without having to read the label and you grinned as he stopped.
“Hi”, he said again. He hung up the call as you just stood there awkwardly. “I… brought you roses.”
You slowly nodded, before taking a few steps towards him. “You didn’t have to”, you replied, a little breathlessly. It made you blush even more, cheeks turning dark as you stopped in front of him.
“I wanted to”, he said, shrugging. “That’s why I was late.”
Your eyes that were on the flowers moved up until you met his gaze, and your grin turned into a soft smile. “Then you really didn’t have to.”
You grabbed the roses, breathing in their scent while Jin watched you carefully, as if he wasn’t quite sure if you were real or not. A little like you had been watching just a moment ago, in truth.
“Is your leg healed now?” he asked, as the hand that had been holding the bouquet moved to grab the bottle of wine.
You nodded before turning around to go find a vase or something that could hold the flowers until you went home later. Jin followed you putting the wine down next to the ingredients, and you watched him from the corner of your eyes as he picked up some stuff, inspecting them before leaning against the counter and looking at you.
“I have missed eating your kimchi jiggae so bad”, he said, voice full of truth.
You avoided his gaze as you rummaged through the cupboards, hands settling on a cauldron, one you usually used for soups. You put the flowers in it before carrying it towards the sink.
“Well, good thing you’re here tonight”, you finally said, once you had turned the tap on and had no reason to avoid his gaze again.
He smiled with that heart-shaped mouth of his and you felt the anxiety dwindling away to nothingness, replaced by a warmth that settled in your whole body, in your whole soul as you just held his gaze, echoing the softness in his eyes.
“Thank you”, he murmured, and you only knew he said the words because you could read them on his lips.
Your gaze slid away as you moved to turn off the tap before picking up the cauldron to move it to the counter. “What for?”
“For accepting to meet up tonight”, he replied without a beat of silence. “I’m not sure I deserve it, but I’m really happy you said yes.”
You pursed your lips, shrugging a little. “Let’s not do that.”
He seemed confused for a time, much like you were. Because you didn’t know what you had meant and it sounded arrogant, somehow. It made you blush again and your gaze dropped to the tiles of the floor.
“I mean… not like that we shouldn’t…” you trailed off, shaking your head, “I mean, we shouldn’t think about the past.” You took a steadying breath, before meeting Jin’s gaze again. “We should start anew.”
He nodded, round eyes filling with agreement. “Yes. Let’s start on a new page.”
You nodded too, before letting out a small nervous laugh. “Perfect.”
And though the air had turned a little awkward, you moved closer to Jin and the ingredients, and soon enough you found yourself relaxing next to him, heart warming each time he laughed. And he did laugh a lot, just like he had when you had met him back then. It was something that you had always found endearing about him, something that had made you fall in love in the first place.
Sometimes, his laugh raised wariness in you, as if some part of you wanted to protect yourself from him. But it was hard to be pessimistic with him by your side, with his rolled-up sleeves and hands digging in the food as you showed him what to do. He looked happy, and that most of all stopped the wariness before it could kill the atmosphere.
And the atmosphere felt heavenly after years apart. As if you were taken back to the first days of your relationship. As if you were in that gazebo again, learning what love was. Learning what it meant for one to become two, and for two to become one again. Until your souls were entwined in a fragile tapestry; a tapestry that had been shred to pieces by the pandemic.
When Jin laughed, his whole face lit up, and his happiness bled to the space surrounding him. It was contagious, his happiness, until you found yourself laughing along with him, teasing him like you had back then. It only seemed to make him all the happier, and you found yourself wiping happy tears from the laughs you shared.
“Wait, wait, wait”, Jin said, interrupting the words you had been saying. You weren’t quite sure your sentence had been all that coherent, and you fell into silence as Jin repeated the word again, before adding, “You haven’t played Maple Story since that day?”
You laughed, hiding your face in your hands. “You know I’ve never been a big gamer.”
“Yet you always said you were better than me!” He shook his head, offense painting his features. “You’re a fake fan.”
“Oh please”, you said, chuckling as he let out a small laugh. “I still have the game. I’m sure I only need a little time before I can officially be better than you again.”
He squinted his eyes, wetting his lips. “Good luck with that. I’m at the top of my art.”
“Are you now?” You rolled your eyes, right as he nodded forcefully.
“Oh, I definitely am.”
You shared another laugh, before a comfortable silence raised around you.
You were currently sitting in one of the private rooms of the restaurant and you had put on some music to create an atmosphere that would feel more comfortable for the both of you with music you had used to listen to when you were dating. Jin had insisted on lighting candles and dimming the lights until romance heated up the air. The food was long eaten and the empty bowls between you were witnesses of Jin’s love for your kimchi jiggae. Indeed, he had finished every last bit of it as if he was a starved man.
You met his gaze right as a new song started, a slow ballad that you had used to dance to in the gazebo. It brought you to years ago, to a decade ago, even, and a knowing smile moved on his lips.
“Shall we?”
He motioned to the space surrounding you before extending his hand for you to take. Your eyes moved to it, skimming over his fingers and his perfectly manicured nails before going back to his face.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” you asked, and heaviness moved in your heart.
It didn’t go unnoticed to Jin, and his hand fell to the table. Still close enough for you to take, but not a clear invitation like it had been a moment ago.
“I’m not sure about anything in this world”, he said, shrugging his shoulders, and his own gaze dropped to his hand. “I just know I’ve been thinking about you since Nari and Joonwoong’s baby shower.”
As you had been. You gulped, wetting your lips. “I’m scared…”
His eyes fell shut, and he looked infinitely pained for a time. “I only have myself to blame for that.” He chuckled bitterly, and it made you want to grab his hand. To grab his hand and say fuck it. After all, you couldn’t win anything without risk. “I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.”
His eyelids fluttered open until your gazes met again. “What if it doesn’t work?” you murmured.
“Then we’ll be able to say we tried.”
He wasn’t wrong, and even though every part of you knew trusting him with your heart again was a mistake, your hand moved until your fingers grazed his. “Can we take it slow?”
His fingers reached up until they wrapped around yours. His touch was soft and warm, just like you remembered it, and it finished healing the hole in your heart, until the only thing you could feel was the warmth you could also find in his gaze.
“Yes.” His grip tightened around your fingers and he slowly got up. “We can take it as slow as you want to.”
You got up too, soon finding yourself facing him. He brought your hand to his shoulder before grabbing the other one.
“You know”, he said, voice low, as he started guiding you in that slow waltz in which your love had been born. “I almost came back that night.”
You shut your eyes, letting him guide you for a time as an old ache awoke in you. “I ran after you.” You sighed, breath coming out a little shakily, before meeting his gaze again. “I got a cold from running after you in the rain.”
He gulped, and you watched his Adam apple bobbing up and down. “I’m sorry.”
You had needed to hear those words since forever, yet they didn’t feel like you had thought they would. You had thought they would be liberating, but all they did was bring you back to those days after he had left.
“Don’t be”, you said, brushing it off with a shrug of your shoulders.
You didn’t want to give the past power over the night you were currently sharing. Over the hope that had been inhabiting you in the last few weeks.
“I’ll still be, but I can refrain from telling you.” He offered you a small smile, and your eyes dipped to his lips.
“I mean”, you said, mind searching for a joke to say to lighten the air around you. “It felt as if I was in a drama for a time. You let me live my main character arc for a time.”
That made him laugh, a sweet laugh that tugged at the corner of your own lips. “And look at us today, slow dancing. Maybe this is our season two.”
You chuckled, nodding your head, even as his words echoed your earlier wariness. “Or it’s a spin-off season, for those who don’t like sad endings.”
“I thought you wanted to take things slow.”
You stumbled a little and it made you stop dancing just as you looked at him. And you looked at him for a long time, unable to gaze away. Unable to stop the panic that found your heart, even as you had thought you were fine. You just looked at him, blanching, until your heart was beating out of your chest and you felt like leaving.
“Y/n?”
“This is not a good idea.”
You stepped away from him, walking towards the speaker so you could turn off the music. Jin didn’t move, as if too stunned to react, and you stood with your back turned to him as a new silence filled the air.
“Y/n…”
“No.” You shook your head. “Don’t say my name like that.”
“Why are you panicking?”
Maybe you were the one who couldn’t let the past be in the past.
You chuckled dryly, shaking your head again. “You broke my heart, Jin. We didn’t work and you broke my heart and I haven’t even been able to look at anyone else after you.” You were shaking, but you couldn’t stop anymore. “And then you came to gather your stuff while I was gone and I came back to an empty apartment. Your letter destroyed me.” A tear rolled on your cheek, and you wiped it away angrily. “And the boys stopped talking to me while you still talked to Nari and Joonwoong and the others and it’s fucking unfair.”
“Y/n”, Jin murmured, voice infinitely soft.
“I’m not fucking done”, you let out.
No, all the pain and rage you had felt back then came rushing back to you. It needed to come out, as it had needed to come out for the last three years. No dam could stop it anymore.
“I haven’t stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad I couldn’t even eat for weeks. I lost almost twenty pounds because food tasted too ashy after you. My parents forced me to take a break from the restaurant because of it.” You paused, and your heart felt as if it was shattered in your chest, and you were stepping on all the jagged pieces. “Do you know how pathetic I was? I have barely recovered and here you are coming back into my life expecting me to give myself to you again. What are you going to do this time?” You laughed, before turning to look at him. You took in the sight of his widened gaze, but it didn’t stop the words that were spilling from your mouth. “You’re going to kill me, Jin. I can’t allow myself to be with you again because you’re going to kill me.”
And as suddenly as you had started speaking, you fell silent, with only your tears rolling on your cheeks. Jin watched you for a while, still too stunned to speak, his eyes searching your features as if they’d find an answer as to why you were panicking. When he found none, his gaze dropped to the floor and words found their way to his own lips.
“It wasn’t working anymore and you know it too”, he said. He sounded resigned, as if he was only then realizing that you were over. “I took the cowardly way out, I know. I haven’t been able to be with anyone either. And I tried. But I’ve been comparing everyone to you and no one can compare. You’re the one that got away and I would sell my soul to the devil to change it.” His eyes met yours again, and you watched as his bottom lip trembled. “I don’t want to hurt you again. As a matter of fact I just want to stop hurting. When I was at that dinner with the boys and their girlfriends I just wanted you to be there. You deserved to be there and I was fucking stupid to not do what you asked me to do back then.”
Seeing him cry broke your heart again, reforming the hole you had imagined was gone. So you shut your eyes, focusing on your breathing to stop the pain from reaching you. It was a stupid thing to do, considering the pain inhabited your whole soul, but it was all you could do to try to survive.
“The worst part is that I thought I had made the right decision. I thought I had made the right decision until I saw you the other day and realized that I haven’t been happy since I lost you. I work and I perform and I am not happy. Life fucking sucks without…”
“Leave”, you breathed.
A single small word that stopped Jin’s sentence. Stopped his heart too, you imagined. Because you knew he was aching. He was aching and you were aching and you weren’t quite sure there existed a world out there where you’d have the courage to be with him again. So, you told him to leave again, screamed at him to go until he looked at you one last time from over his shoulder. And then he was gone, and his absence felt wrong.
Everything felt wrong.
You sat on the floor, pulling your legs to your chest as you cried. You cried for the heart that had been broken three years ago, and for the one you were trying to protect today. Because ending things with Jin and not letting him in was the only way you knew that could protect you.
But why did it feel so wrong?
Your crying subsided quicker than you had expected, leaving you feeling drained. Drained from all the happiness you had felt with Jin tonight. And you had felt a lot, because you too hadn’t been happy since you had lost him. You hadn’t been happy for a single moment after him. You had survived, had been content with the life you had been living, but nothing had been able to bring you happiness like Jin had been able to.
Maybe letting him go again was the wrong thing to do. Maybe it felt wrong because you didn’t want to let him go. Only wanted to hold him against you again until your heart forgot it had ever ached.
You were up before the thought had finished forming in your mind, and you ran out of the room. You turned in the hallway and let out a startled shriek as your foot caught in something. You regained footing a second later, and your eyes moved down.
Jin was sitting on the floor, with his legs stretched in front of him. Tears stained his cheeks, and he looked so broken it had a sob forming in your throat again.
You fell to your knees, right next to him, arms wrapping around his neck until you were holding him tight against you. His arms immediately circled your waist, pulling you closer as he buried his face in your neck. He let out a small broken sound as you cried against him and his own tears wet the fabric of your shirt as you kept holding on to him.
“Please don’t leave again”, you breathed against his neck.
“I was not going to leave again.” A sob fell from his mouth, and he held you even tighter. “I don’t want to leave again.”
You nodded against him, nuzzling your face in the warmth of his neck. You didn’t move for a time, as you both cried. Cried for your broken hearts and for the pain that you had put each other through. You weren’t quite sure you’d be able to forgive Jin, but you had to try.
It was all you could think of as you pulled away until you could gaze at his face. At the tears that were still rolling down his cheeks, and at his blood red eyes.
“Don’t cry”, you murmured, and your hands moved to his cheeks so you could dry the tears away.
He chuckled, resting his head against the wall behind him. “You’re crying too.”
“I’m going to kiss you”, you said, ignoring his comment.
You didn’t wait for him to reply before crashing your lips on his. He didn’t even seem startled, and his mouth started to move against yours immediately, right as one of his hands moved up your back until it found the hair at the back of your head. His fingers tangled in your hair right as he turned his head to the side to deepen the kiss.
You kissed him with everything you had in you. With all the pain, all the anger, and all the love that still remained, even after all the hardships. You kissed him as if it was your last day on Earth, until you weren’t quite sure you were breathing anymore. And maybe you had been right, because kissing him felt like it was killing you. Not in a bad way, no, in a way that was making you feel alive again. That made you feel as if you had died and reached heaven.
You’d be damned if you’d leave your heaven.
You ran a hand through his hair, undoing the perfect style, just so you could pull at the long strands a little. He answered by making you straddle him, and he grinded up into you once the moment your legs were on each side of his thighs. You started kissing again then, but it was different. Angrier. Hungrier. Needier.
You’d never get enough of him again.
The hand Jin had tangled in your hair moved down, until he was holding you by the nape of your neck, fingers grazing the side of your neck in that place he knew made you go crazy. You grinded your hips, instinctively, and he took that as a cue to move his hand to your throat, thumb digging on one side while the rest of his fingers pressed on the other side.
You moaned, a little breathlessly, and one of your hands found his neck too. You choked him, just like he was choking you, and he chuckled in the kiss.
“I missed you so much”, he said against your lips before pulling away. He rested his head against the wall once more, and his eyes fluttered open at the same time as yours did. Your grip on his throat relaxed, and your fingers moved until they were caressing his jaw, right as his hand moved back to your waist.
“I missed you too”, you murmured, and a fresh wave of hot tears rolled down your cheeks.
Jin immediately moved to wipe your cheeks dry, hands lingering on your face as he cupped it gently. Your gazes locked, and you just looked at each other for a time, as if time hadn’t torn you apart. As if you had caught up to him in the night that day and had kept him from leaving.
You wondered if you would be married now, had you found him. Had you begged him to stay. You doubted it. There was something different about Jin now, something more mature, something that worked better with what you wanted in a life partner. You had been able to see it all night in his willingness to help, in his wish to clean the dishes before you ate, in the way he had kept the atmosphere light even though it could have fallen into darkness with just a single faux pas.
And the way he was holding you now… it was reassurance. Reassurance that maybe, finally, your struggles had come to an end. That you had found your way back to the place you belonged, by his side. Not behind him, not in his past, but right beside him, with your heart forever beating in sync with his.
The thought had you starting to kiss him again. A sweet and slow kiss, one that did wonders to the organ in your chest. Telling it that everything was fine. That everything would be fine again. Your lips moved slowly together, as if you had all the time in the world. And maybe you did. Maybe now you did.
Jin’s hands fell from your face to your hips, holding you close as yours cupped his face to deepen the kiss. He sighed against you, thumbs running chaotic patterns on the fabric of your pants until they moved up a little to find your skin underneath your shirt. Your breath hitched in your throat, but then again you weren’t quite sure you were breathing at all when Jin was kissing you like that.
This moment made you aware of one thing; all the sleepless nights, all the heartaches, all of it had been worth it now that you knew you’d find your way back to him. And maybe it was too soon to believe that, but your soul felt at ease for the first time in too long. It rendered it hard to think coherent thoughts.
“Do you want to come home with me tonight?” Jin whispered against your lips when you pulled away.
It was all the confirmation you needed.
“Bring me home”, you agreed, resting your forehead against him. “And don’t ever leave again.” You saw his lips stretch in a lazy smile through your half-lidded eyes.
“I will never leave again, I promise”, he murmured.
It made you pull away, and your eyes met. His gaze was lit up from within, corners slightly crinkled from the happiness that was in his heart. You recognized that look and knew better than to shy away from it. You knew it was echoed in your own gaze.
It was a promise of a forever that had been out of reach for so long. A forever you had finally reached, a forever you’d never let slip through your fingers again.
*****
Jin lived at the highest level of a luxurious building that offered a view of Seoul in the night. The city sparkled with life, an ocean of stars that you found hard to look away from. Yet your eyes wandered to the space surrounding you seeing just how much it felt like him. It was simply decorated, with a few plants to bring life and colour to it. Jin’s proudest room was his gaming room, that he had lit up with LED lights and a neon sign from a game you didn’t know. It was a comfortable room with a couch against a wall in front of a large TV and a gaming set-up on the other side of the room. Bookshelves completed the decoration, with games and figurines littering the shelves, and the wide windows on the far wall showed that scenery you hadn’t been able to look away from since Jin had left to go to the bathroom.
You moved away from the window as you heard the familiar pattern of his steps walking back towards you, and he offered you a warm smile as he came into view.
“Why am I not surprised that you’ve wandered in here while I was gone?” he asked, as you both finished crossing the distance between each other.
You wrapped your arms around his waist resting your cheek against his chest as he hugged you closer, before leaving a small kiss on the top of your head.
“This room feels the most like you”, you breathed and his grip around you tightened a little.
“It’s my favourite room too.” He chuckled, and the sound reverberated where your ear touched his chest. “It’s every gamer’s dream.”
It made you laugh a little, as you pulled away to glance at your surroundings again. You hadn’t noticed before, but Jin owned many consoles too, a whole collection of them if you were being honest. From the first console he had probably played to the latest one that could be found on the market, Jin had everything one might dream to have.
“I can see that”, you said, and your eyes stopped on something that piqued your interest. “You have a VR console?” There was excitement in your voice, and Jin laughed again.
You were as cute as he remembered you to be.
“I do.” He looked at it, following your line of vision. “Do you want to try it?”
You pulled away from him to clap your hands excitedly. “Damn right I want to!”
He offered you one of his iconic laughs before moving towards the television to start setting up what was needed to play. You watched him do so, hands digging in your pocket as you rocked back and forth on your feet.
Once everything was ready, Jin handed you the whole thing, setting you up for a game of Beat Saber. The song started, and you rushed to move in the right way, failing after the first few seconds. Jin made fun of you, tickling you as you were unable to see him until you ended as a giggling mess on the floor, limbs entwined until you didn’t know who was who. It didn’t help that your eyes were still covered.
“Wait, stop it!” Jin said as you found his waist, digging your fingers in the tender skin.
You giggled but didn’t stop, up until he grabbed your two hands and put them over your head, before holding them into place with just one hand. He took off the VR headset, and his face came into view. His lips were parted, and your eyes dipped to them, unable to look away.
You had stopped crying a while ago, the high emotions finally leaving you, but to have him hovering over you like that brought you back to earlier, and tears threatened to fill your gaze again.
Jin seemed to notice, because he immediately bent down to press a chaste kiss to your forehead, before meeting your gaze again. His eyes were painted in a sweet light and for a moment you wanted to just grab him and bring him closer. But you didn’t move, and a sweet look took over your features. It didn’t go unnoticed to Jin and he smiled before pecking your lips once.
“My turn”, he said, and he pushed himself up before holding out a hand to help you get up too. He pulled you up to your feet, and you watched as he grabbed the VR headset to adjust it to himself.
“What makes you think you’re going to be any better?” you asked, hands once again finding their way to your pockets.
Only because you were resisting the urge to hold Jin close to you. You’d have plenty of time to hold him later.
Jin threw you a no-bullshit look, before hiding his beautiful eyes behind the VR headset. “Because you were literally trash.”
“You’re annoying, you know that?”
He laughed as you chuckled. “I would apologize but I’m about to literally beat your ass in the game, so…”
“Good luck with that.”
It was ominous, the way you said the words, and it didn’t go unnoticed to Jin. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing”, you replied, trying to instill as much innocence as you could in the small word.
Jin didn’t seem convinced, yet he still started a song. His movements were a lot more fluid than yours, as if he had learned the choreography a while ago and it was ingrained in his muscle memory. You let him play for a time, until you stood behind him. Far enough so he couldn’t tell you were there, but close enough for your treacherous hands to reach forward and tickle his sides.
He let out a loud screech, body flinging itself down as you held onto him, laughing heartily.
“I will kill you”, Jin threatened, and it only made your laugh double up, until you were on the floor next to him holding your stomach as your body shook.
Jin immediately attacked, Beat Sabers’ game long forgotten. His hands found your waist even as his eyes were still hidden behind the headset. And he tickled you hard, almost hard enough to hurt as you squealed and thrashed in his hold. He was far stronger than you and even as you grabbed his shoulders to push him away, Jin didn’t budge, tickling you until you started begging for mercy. He only then stopped, and your giggles slowly turned into heavy breathing as you tried to calm the wild beats of your heart.
Jin took off the headset, putting it down next to where he sat, before running a hand through his long-dishevelled hair. The gel he had used to style his hair earlier hadn’t held, but still he looked ethereal, like your brain was imagining him there.
To know he was as real as he would ever be had your heart constricting in your chest, so hard you sat up and grabbed his face to pull him into your embrace. He only slightly resisted, startled by your quick movements, but as soon as your lips found his, he relaxed in your arms, kissing you back with all the fire in his heart.
Jin tasted good. Like your favourite dessert after a long day. His hands roamed your body, pulling you closer until you were straddling him, as you held onto his shoulders for dear life. His lips were soft, like a flower’s petal, and they moved against yours hungrily, as if he couldn’t get enough of the taste of you. You let one of your hands wander up until it got lost in his long hair, with your fingers massaging his scalp the way you knew he liked.
The kiss was intense, with no place for breathing as you parted your lips and his tongue immediately darted forward, so your tongues were moving together. It made a small moan bubble up at the back of your throat, and Jin swallowed it as his grip on your waist tightened, fingers digging in the tender skin.
Right when you thought you would die from asphyxia, Jin pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. You breathed raggedly for a time, eyes closed as you basked in the proximity of him. Until he moved a little, and it had your conscience zeroing in on the spot where your body touched his, right between your legs. You forgot how to breathe for a moment then, as you instinctively grinded your hips on the length of the bulge in his pants.
His tight grip on your waist loosened up, hands falling to your hips so he could guide your movements. He made you grind on him again, as he pushed up a little, the glorious size of him pressing against your clothed self.
“Jin”, you breathed.
“I missed you so fucking much”, he replied and the end of his sentence was overshadowed by another small moan from you.
With lust clouding your mind, you found yourself unable to process if sleeping with Jin was a good idea. All you wanted was to feel him again, to hold him close until you’d be two moaning messes. From the way the bulge in his pants pressed against you, you knew he wanted the same thing. So, you captured his lips in another long kiss, teeth clashing together, and it was your turn to swallow the small breathy sound Jin let out.
When you pulled away, you opened your eyes, trying to find Jin’s gaze. His eyes remained stubbornly close, and you grabbed his cheeks, thumbs drawing circles on his skin.
“Please fuck me, Jin”, you whispered. His eyelids fluttered open, until your gaze found his dilated pupils. “Please fuck me like you never stopped loving me.”
His eyes went wide for half a second, before going dark with his lust for you. “I never stopped loving you”, he breathed, and it somehow sounded like a promise.
You didn’t have time to think more about it as he crashed his lips on yours again, sucking on your bottom lip until you let out a moan. Heat pooled at your core and you knew you were soaking up your panties by the seconds.
It wasn’t like you cared.
Jin moved, grabbing your back to hold you close before lying you on the floor, until he was hovering over you. You drank in the sight of him for a fraction of a second, but your eyelids shut tightly as he kissed you again. You ran a hand along his back as he nestled himself between your legs. He wrapped your legs around his waist before deciding better and hooking one on his arm until he had you spread wide open for him. He only then grinded into you again, hitting your clit in a way that had you see stars.
You pulled on his dress shirt, so it wasn’t tucked in his pants anymore allowing you free access to the warm skin of his back. You ran your nails on his skin, drawing shapes and lines for him to remember you, though you didn’t put a lot of pressure, not wanting to hurt him.
It didn’t matter that you knew Jin liked the pain. You didn’t feel like defiling his perfect skin just yet.
“Fuck”, Jin breathed in between two kisses. It made you smirk, only leading him to utter the small curse aloud again, right as he pulled away to take his shirt off.
Your eyes went down his frame, barely registering the chain around his neck. The sight of him was almost enough to make you go over the edge. Indeed, Jin had been working out, in the years you had spent apart. Body perfectly sculpted like he was a Greek sculpture, and you ran your hungry hands on the planes of him, fingers tracing his lines. He observed you, basking in the heat of your gaze on him, until he had enough and needed to feel your lips against his swollen ones again.
The kiss was short yet filled with desire and passion as Jin’s hands found their way to your breasts under your shirt. He squeezed them through your bra until he decided better and moved underneath that last bit of fabric, fingers tightening around your hardened nipples.
“Jin”, you breathed against his lips.
“Sit up”, he ordered as he kneeled between your legs. You obeyed, and he immediately took your shirt off before sliding his hands around your back so he could unhook your bra. It brought his neck close to your lips and you kissed at his skin, sucking on it just a little. Not enough to leave a mark, but enough to have him squirm between your legs.
You could tell Jin loved it as he arched his neck giving you a better access right as your bra came undone. You took that as a cue to reach up, hand wrapping around the perfect column of his throat, squeezing just enough to cut his access to air. You sucked on his neck again then, right on the spot you remembered he loved, and he let out a choked sound that you recognized as a moan.
When you let go of his neck, Jin took in a sharp inhale of air before letting out a small chuckle. It made you smile, and your gazes locked for a second.
“Let’s go to my room before things get out of hand”, Jin said, offering you a grin that made you think things were already out of hand.
You refrained from saying so, only nodding your head to him. And even though you thought it’d be awkward to be shirtless next to him again, his warm hand wrapping around yours as he helped you up eased your nerves. You followed him to his room, letting your eyes roam on the skin of his back, from his broad shoulders down to the small tattoo of a seven. The tattoo surprised you, its black ink a stark contrast with the pale skin. You had never seen it before, but its simple style and size fit Jin well, like it had always been meant to be there.
“You have a tattoo now?” you enquired.
He nodded, glancing at you over his shoulder as you walked in his bedroom. “We all got a seven, yeah.”
Right. A seven for the seven members of BTS. It was endearing, that they had all gotten it tattooed, and it made a warm smile move on your lips.
Jin’s bedroom was simple, decorated with light furniture and a plant in a corner. He had hung up a pale painting over the bed, one you had seen many times before in the apartment you had shared with him. To see it again felt strange for a time, as if you had come home to a home that was slightly different. As if things were a little out of place, yet fit the picture perfectly.
And that was what it was. You were coming home to a man that had changed in the years apart, yet his heart still beat for you. The love had remained while the hate you both had felt at the end of your relationship was long gone, replaced with nostalgia and regret.
But tonight wasn’t about regretting. Tonight was about finding each other again after way too long apart.
Jin led you to his bed, letting go of your hand as you sat so he could reach for condoms in his nightstand. You watched him do so, hands instinctively covering your breasts. Jin glanced at you, lips spreading in a smirk as he noticed you hiding from his eyes.
“Don’t hide, your body is as perfect as I remember it to be.”
The compliment brought a light flush to your cheeks, but your hands didn’t move. Jin tutted, before putting down the condom he had fished from a box on the nightstand. He then moved closer to you, grabbing your hands and pulling them away from your breasts.
“I want to see you”, he said, voice low and husky. “I haven’t been able to see you for too long and my imagination couldn’t compare.”
Simple words, treacherous words, that had even more heat pooling between your legs.
“Well then come in this bed with me and make me forget that we ever broke up.”
His smirk only widened and he motioned to the pillows. “Make some room for me.”
You obeyed, ever so the good girl when it came to Jin. He followed you as you moved until your back was against the pillows. He kneeled in front of you catching your lips in a long kiss as his hands moved on your body, caressing your breasts until your nipples were perked again.
“So pretty”, he whispered against your lips, before sitting back on his heels to look at you properly. “Always so fucking pretty.”
You blushed again, but didn’t have time to reply before he started undoing the button of your pants. You watched him do so, eyes following his every move, and you finally helped him take off your pants once he started tugging them down your thighs. Before he had a chance to settle between your legs again, you moved to his belt, pulling on it to indicate that you wanted it off.
“You’re so impatient.” Jin chuckled but started undoing his belt nonetheless.
“I haven’t fucked since before we broke up so yeah, I’m a little impatient.”
Jin stilled, eyes searching your face for yours. When your gazes locked, you noticed a dark light in his eyes. Regret, entwined with all the nostalgia you had been feeling since the night you had seen him at the gazebo.
“You… what?”
You shied away from the intensity of his gaze, eyes falling on the spot where his abs started on his torso. “I just couldn’t.” You bit at your lower lip before shrugging your shoulders. “It doesn’t really matter.”
Jin let go of his belt to grab your cheeks, forcing you to meet his gaze again. “It matters to me.” He looked between your two eyes, as if wanting to make sure you were listening to every word he was about to say. “It matters to me and I will take my time with you tonight. You deserve it. I don’t know if I deserve it, but fuck, you do.”
His words were almost enough to bring tears to your eyes, but you refused to let sadness overpower your senses again. You instead focused on every place where your body was touching Jin’s, and on the warmth that was radiating from him.
“I just want you”, you breathed, and Jin slowly nodded.
“Oh, you’ll have all of me, I promise.”
It meant more. You knew it meant more and only understood why when you noticed the chain around his neck. In all the previous heat, you hadn’t seen it, but the chain ended between his two pecks, with the ring you had given him when you had gotten engaged.
You looked down at your own chest, and at the chain you were also wearing. Chain that ended with your own ring.
You wondered if Jin had noticed before you. Because you were so used to wearing the necklace, never taking it off, that you didn’t even see it anymore. And you felt stupid, for not seeing it around Jin’s neck before. For not knowing that he too had kept the proof of your love close to his heart, where it deserved to be.
“All of you?” you asked.
“Forever.”
You would have cried had he not kissed you again. A sweet slow kiss that calmed the ache in your chest until all you knew was your desire for him. For his body and soul, for his heart and the smile he always offered you first thing in the morning. Even when the relationship had been bad, Jin had always found the time to smile at you when your eyes first fluttered open.
You had been a fool to let that go.
Jin deepened the kiss, tilting his head to the side, and your tongue darted out of your mouth to taste his lips again. He sighed, and one of his hands moved down your frame, caressing your sides until he found his way between your legs. His touch was light over your panties, yet your breath hitched in your throat and you pulled away to look at him.
“You’re drenched”, he said, and his eyes fell to where his hand was touching you.
He pressed down harder right on your clit and you let out a small moan.
“Just for you”, you breathed.
He smirked, before slapping your pussy. “Such a good fucking girl.”
And just like that the atmosphere returned to its previous heat, nostalgia and regret long forgotten as Jin pushed your panties aside so nothing stood between his digits and your pussy anymore. He rolled circles on your clit with two fingers, pressing down just the way you liked it, until you became a panting mess, pussy clenching around nothing. Only then did he let his fingers wander down, circling around your entrance before pushing one finger in.
You grabbed his shoulders, head throwing back as he curled his finger until it hit your g-spot. It had you see stars, and your pussy clenched around him.
“You’re so tight”, he breathed.
You nodded, eyes tightly shut, as he pushed a second finger in. He gave you a second to adjust, before starting to move, slowly, fingers pushing in and out of you. It made a squelching sound, from how wet you were, and it sounded pornographic. Felt pornographic too, as Jin locked his lips on a spot beneath your ear, sucking on the skin until he had drawn a hickey there. He only then started moving faster between your legs, and his thumb found your clit as your hand found his hair, pulling at it until he was looking at you.
You looked down at his lips and he seemed to get the clue, closing the space between you as he kissed you. And he kissed you hard, soft lips swallowing every moan that you let out as he fingered you, increasing the speed every now and then until you could feel an orgasm forming on the horizon of your desire. Your thighs clenched around his wrist as you moaned a little harder, and he used his other hand to push them open again.
He pulled away from the kiss then, to take one look at your writhing frame, and then he bent down between your thighs. His tongue darted out to replace his thumb on your clit and the feeling of it had your eyes rolling to the back of your head.
“I’m going to come soon”, you said, last word turning into a moan as your pussy once again clenched around Jin’s fingers. He only started moving faster, as if he had kept the best for the last second before your orgasm would find you. And it did find you, right as he started sucking on your clit, tongue flicking it in time with his fingers.
You came hard, white light flashing into your vision as you were swallowed by the waves of pleasure. Jin rode you through your high, slowing down as it inched towards its end. When the last of it finally left you, his fingers pulled out, pushing in one final time before leaving you empty. He looked at you, waiting for your eyes to meet his. When you finally focused on his face, Jin pressed a chaste kiss on your forehead before moving to get up.
“Where are you going?” you asked.
He smirked. “Nowhere.” And as he said the word he finished taking off his pants and underwear, and they met the discarded clothes on the floor a second later.
Your eyes moved down to his dick that stood proudly against his lower stomach from how hard it was. It looked just as beautiful as you remembered, and just as big too. The head was red, violently so, as if it was about to burst and frankly, you were pretty sure Jin felt like that too. Like he was going to burst any minute now. And he winced as he put the condom on, as if it hurt him to do so, the friction teasing the sensitive organ.
You waited for him on the bed, watching him carefully, until he climbed back next to you. “On your stomach”, he ordered.
Once again, you obeyed him, turning around until you were lying on your stomach. Jin straddled you, his dick resting on your ass. He massaged your cheeks, before leaving a slap that had the skin tingle with welcomed pain.
“I missed this sight so fucking much, Y/n, you have no idea”, he said, voice so low you barely heard it. And then he was pulling away, his dick sliding against your ass until it found your entrance between your legs. “Let me know if I hurt you”, he gently said, and then he pushed forward, his dick penetrating you, stretching you open.
It burned and you clenched against him, hiding your face in the pillow.
“Are you okay?” Jin enquired, stopping halfway in.
You nodded, remaining silent as your hands held onto the covers of Jin’s bed. He still waited, giving you time to adjust before pushing in again, until all of him was embedded into you. He didn’t move for a long time then, eyes shut as he too took in the feeling of you. It was only when you moved your hips a little, telling him that you were ready that Jin started pulling out, only to push back in when only his tip was left inside of you.
You moaned, gripping the sheets harder, head turning so you could get a look of Jin’s face. His brows were knit together, lips parted as he fucked you slow, hands holding onto your hips. He caught your gaze, features relaxing ever so slightly. A wicked light moved in his eyes then, and he bent forward, the angle having him hit your g-spot each time he pushed in.
You breathed his name, and it sent all of his restraint down the drain as he started pounding into you, balls slapping against your clit with each move he made. It made you see stars, and your eyes shut as you let out a loud moan, right when his hand found your throat.
“Fuck”, you let out, and his fingers tightened around your throat, until the blood flow to your brain stopped and all your body could feel was the burning stretch of him inside of you. The deprivation of oxygen had your mouth falling open, and Jin moaned as you clenched against him hard before an orgasm hit you. He let go of your throat then, letting you breath as you moaned his name repeatedly. Your pussy clenched against him with each wave of your orgasm and soon enough Jin let out a grunt as his face fell on your shoulder, teeth digging into your skin as he came, releasing his load in the condom. You helped him through his high, moving your hips in time with his until he stopped moving altogether, teeth letting go of your skin. He kissed the spot he had bitten, before kissing the side of your face.
“I’m sorry”, he apologized.
Your eyes fluttered open, searching for his face. “What for?”
“I’m sorry I left”, he said, and there was a sudden tear rolling down his cheek. “And I’m sorry I only lasted a few minutes.”
You didn’t hear his second sentence, your whole world having stopped on the first one. “Don’t be. You came back.”
“I still love you so much”, he admitted. He pulled out of you, before lying down on the bed next to you. “I think I love you even more now.”
There were tears blurring your vision too as you turned on your side so you could face him. “I haven’t stopped loving you either.”
“Do you think we could work this time around?” he asked, vulnerability taking over his features.
And even though your mind was still clouded with the afterglow of the passion you had just shared, you knew the answer as if it was a rule of the universe.
“Yes, we can”, you said. “We can and we will.”
“You still want me?” He seemed as if he didn’t believe you, as if he thought he didn’t deserve you. You were pretty sure he felt like that, and as much as you had tried to hate him for so long, you hadn’t been able to. Jin had always been your one, and always would be.
“Forever, remember?”
*****
The rays of the sun twirled in the air from the window in the high ceiling forming a small rectangle of light on the floor. Your mind focused on it as all eyes followed your every move. You could barely see the plants decorating the venue even though you had spent hours choosing which ones you’d like. There was a small crack in the floor where the light hit it and you carefully avoided it as you walked forward with only the sound of your beating heart as music to accompany the march down the aisle.
You were pretty sure there was music playing, but all your senses had given up on you when you had seen Jin waiting for you at the end of the aisle. You couldn’t even feel the weight of your father’s hand on your arm, or the fabric of your dress brushing your skin.
No, all there was was the man you loved waiting for you at the end of the aisle.
You continued walking in sync with the beats of your heart. Jin had tears in his eyes and he wiped one of them from his cheek as you moved closer, gazes laced in an intimate embrace. It didn’t matter that your mother had invited a whole crowd to the wedding. It was like you and Jin were alone in your own little world.
It was perfect.
Your father gave you away to Jin, speaking words of tradition that you could barely hear as you watched Jin. He was beautiful today, with perfectly styled hair and bright eyes, Jin was the most beautiful man in the world. In your world. When it was time to turn towards the celebrant, Jin whispered ‘hi’ to you, and it was all you could do not to burst into tears right then and there.
Tears of joy, of course.
You said your vows, following a westernized version of a wedding, though you were to celebrate it in a more traditional way later today, with you changing in a hanbok along with Jin’s mother and your own. It was something you had always wanted; a modern wedding, completely separated from the traditional wedding your parents had wished you to have. Something so everyone would be pleased. And it wasn’t like the ceremonies were long; with everything going down perfectly, you knew you’d be out by the end of the afternoon.
You couldn’t wait for the evening. For this first evening as husband and wife and the honeymoon that Jin had planned for you both.
“I do”, Jin spoke the words, bringing you back to reality.
You repeated the words when you had to, before finishing the ceremony with a kiss that ended with you and Jin gazing at each other.
A promise of forever was lighting his eyes now. It had been lighting his eyes for the whole of your relationship if you were being honest. Even when things had been rough, Jin still had that light in his eyes. You had just become blind to it, mind closed off to the man you loved.
You would never let that happen again. And your relationship did work now. Smoothly and perfectly, as if you had never hit a bump in the road at all. You knew it’d stay that way forever. Because that was what Jin and you were. A representation of what forever meant. Love, in its purest form, knitting two hearts together until it was one, beating forever in unison.
Until death do us apart.
The ceremonies went well, families and friends smiling and shedding happy tears with you. The BTS boys sang a song for their older brother, one that had you cry from how much you loved them too. Your little brothers that you had finally found again after years apart. The reunion had taken place a few weeks before the wedding. It had been happy in a sad way, with you and Jungkook crying as you had hugged. Even Yoongi had shed a tear and you had held him a little longer while his girlfriend had offered you a sweet smile over his shoulder.
It was strange to see all of them with their significant others, yet it had filled you with pride. They had all grown up, had become men and adults, and even though you still remembered the days of their first dorm, of the fights and happy moments, you were glad that they had grown. That they’d keep growing in the arms of the person they loved.
After the ceremonies you made your way home with Jin. Hand in hand, souls entwined, you walked into the home you shared with him now. You had moved back in with Jin in the weeks following your reunion and had decided to get married as soon as possible, just waiting for a break in his schedule so you could take a few weeks off, just the two of you away from the rest of the world. Jin had planned to bring you to Jeju island and then you were supposed to go to Europe, road tripping the continent.
You were excited for the honeymoon, but you were mostly excited to spend some time alone with Jin. To spend the rest of your life by his side and to have children that you’d raise together. Knowing you were going to get to spend the rest of your life with him was the most beautiful feeling in this world.
“Wife”, Jin said as he held the door open for you.
You gazed at his lovesick eyes, “Husband.”
He grinned, warmth spreading in the air surrounding him. “Wife”, he repeated. He then chuckled, looking down at the floor. “I can’t believe I get to call you wife.”
You walked in, pulling him in behind you. “Can’t believe I get to call you husband.”
“Finally.” He winked at you, before pressing a soft kiss to your lips.
You kissed him back, hands running along his arms before they found the nape of his neck. Your fingers played with his hair, as his hands held your hips.
“Finally”, you agreed as you pulled away.
He pressed a kiss on your forehead as your eyes fluttered open.
“You are mine”, he breathed. “My wife.”
“My husband.”
“Forever?” His question held the world in it. As if it was more a statement than a question. As if he was asking the universe, and not you. Yet you knew the answer, knew he was your forever too.
“Forever.”
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Wow, I hope you loved it! a long read once again but it seems I can’t do anything else than that hahaha
Don’t hesitate to leave some reviews, it always helps me with writing!
If you want to read the other establishments in the Life Goes On series, just follow this link!
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