Adventure? I Hardly Know Her | Kurtis Conner Crackfic
Word count: 2149
Chapter One: Abductor? I Hardly Know Her
While on a walk through Kurtistown, Mayor Kurtis made sure that every single one of his loyal citizens got their monthly extra greeting, since he only appears once a month and then disappears for a while.
After he greeted the thirty-six year old who looked like a seventeen year old citizen, he noticed that the next citizen looked… different with his green skin and big pebble like eyes and he wore a jumpsuit the color of his face paint.
“Oh, hell yeah!” Kurtis smiled as he raised his hand to dab this person, “I love your unique style, man.” But the green creature did not raise his hand and just stared at the hand of the mayor in front of him.
”Did I say something wrong?” The mayor dropped his hand and so did his smile. Kurtis tried to decipher the situation to find out what he did wrong, but he didn’t find any fault in his doing.
”Take me to your leader.” The green entity before the mayor demanded. Its voice was high pitched and almost sounded synthetic or electro.
“Well, you’re in luck.” Mayor Kurtis grinned, “because you are standing in front of him.” He stood proudly with his chest out and his hands on his hips. Suddenly a golden halo appeared behind the mayor and angels singing was heard, he looked like a superhero of some sorts.
”How did you do that?” The entity asked, its mouth agape at Kurtis's majesticness.
”I don’t know,” he shrugged as his side grin grew bigger. “I guess I’m just awesome like that.”
The green creature just stared at him for a while, making the majestic mayor feel a bit awkward. “So do you want to move to this town or…?” He rubbed the back of his neck, not knowing what to say next.
”Take me to your throne room.” The weird entity in a serious tone.
”Oh, you mean my mayor's office.” Kurtis chuckled dryly, “But I like how you labelled it.” Kurtis then waved with his hand gesturing for the entity to follow him.
His worship Kurtis still thought that the green entity was an actual person in some sort of cosplay from a media he didn’t recognise, but Kurtis is a cool mayor who accepts everyone no matter what, that’s why whenever he goes out and walks through the town, all one could hear are cheers and roses being thrown at the mayor as he walks with a smug smile.
They arrived at a very colorful mansion that was every color you could ever make using the three primary colors. The two walked through the alleyway made of tall trees, providing them with shade and protecting them from the scorching sun of Canada.
“This is the sacred place,” Kurtis said, turning around to look at the green thing.
“Sacred?” The green thing asked as it stepped forward to admire the place better. “I know you humans tend to cover yourselves before going into the holy places.”
The mayor again chuckled at its statement, as it’s obviously a joke about it being a holy place. “Nah man, just be cool.” He said as he opened the door to the mansion.
The entity then changed its color to blue as it changed its body temperature to zero following Kurtis’s orders.
The inside wasn’t any different from the outside, as the walls were painted different cheerful colors and there were a lot of pictures and paintings that hung on the wall. A lot of them had Kurtis on them with different dates and locations.
‘Did the mayor conquer these places on these dates?’ The entity thought to itself as it tilted its head. ‘He must be really strong.’
A woman smartly dressed approached the both of them with a notepad. “Welcome back, Mayor” she smiled, “How was your monthly appearance in Kurtistown?”
He just shrugged as he smiled, “Awesome as always, I’m so grateful for the support of Kurtisers.”
”Hey Kurtis,” another person appeared. He was wearing a white T-shirt with skinny blue jeans, but his eyes were probably the bluest thing on this blue planet called earth.
”Hey Danny,” Kurtis greeted back. Suddenly another guy walked into the room.
He wore glasses which the now ice blue entity thought was some device that had some powers. The dude also wore jeans and a red T-shirt. “Hey guy,” he said in a dry tone as he smiled slightly.
“Guys, I want to introduce you to someone,” Kurtis then turned to look at the entity with asmile, “This is… What’s your name again?”
”My name is Triton the 536th, the offspring of Nereid of Neptune.” The voice of the entity echoed through the walls of the mansion, surprising everyone who is hearing its voice for the first time.
”Sick cosplay, dude.” Said the man with the ice blue eyes that matched the skin color of the alien now. “What’s the special occasion?”
The alien tilted its head as he looked at them in confusion. A round white device suddenly appeared in Triton’s hand and a light shone from it as it tapped on it once. The blue hologram that appeared were symbols none of them were familiar with. It was probably a foreign language they didn’t know, and it was indeed a language but not a language from earth but a language from Neptune. Triton has opened a dictionary looking for the word ‘cosplay’ as he wasn’t familiar with it.
Triton frowned as he read the definition, “I am not playing dress up, I am, as you humans call it, an alien.”
The others stood still for a minute, before looking at each other before the room bursted in laughter.
”I really love how committed you are to the bit,” Kurtis cackled.
Triton slowly changed colors to red as it grew angrier and angrier at the cackling three and so in order to make them believe it, it decided to show them some of its alien skills. “Can a human being do this?” Triton then stretched out its three fingered hand and a small object suddenly appeared in his hands. It was a rock to a regular person but it was a very valuable rock to Neptuneirs, because it was from one of the holy moons of Neptune.
“A magic trick?” The man in the red T-shirt raised his eyebrow. “I think anyone can learn how to do a magic trick.” A hint of sarcasm in his tone.
Triton grew angrier, so it decided to show them another trick they cannot mock. It disappeared from in front of the holy trinity and Kurtis’s assistant, Linda. They stood stunned with their mouths agape as they looked at each other with shock.
Kurtis then felt a tap on his shoulder which made him jump a bit, he turned around with his eyes wide and saw that Triton was behind him with a smug smile on his balloon shaped head. Kurtis slowly nodded his head, before smiling again.
”I’m the first human to ever meet an alien,” he cheered and so did the others. “Is there an alien version of me?” He asked, almost jumping in place.
Triton couldn’t help but frown again, as he thought he finally installed some fear into these humans in hopes that they’ll finally respect them a bit. Triton’s grandparent told them all about their voyage to earth and how humans feared him more than white people fear people of color, but that was around 500 years ago, so maybe humans don’t fear anything now. But Triton is here for a noble cause of trying to help these uncivilized humans.
”No, there is no Neptuneir Kurtis on Neptune.” They responded dryly.
”Are you the leader of aliens?” Drew asked as he sat down on the crimson couch.
”No, I am just the offspring of the space pirate Nereid of Neptune.” Triton responded in a monotone voice.
”What the hell are you doing here on earth?” The blue eyed Danny asked as he placed his hand on his hips.
”I’m here to bring peace.” Triton again responded in monotone as they placed a hand on their chest.
Bring peace? Like how the USA brought ‘peace’ and ‘democracy’ to the Middle East? The holy trinity looked at each other again and they all had the same look on their face.
Someone saying that they are going to bring ‘peace’ somewhere, bring the opposite of peace.
They just spent the last twenty minutes laughing at this guy, now they just hoped that they don’t get slimed by Triton and their alien powers, so they knew now that they had to play nice.
”What a noble cause, Triton.” Kurtis laughed nervously as he wrapped an arm around Triton’s shoulder. “How about we introduce your idea to our citizens?” Kurtis suggested this idea in hopes that Triton would see that they don’t need peace and would finally leave.
To their luck Triton agreed and so, Kurtis’s team immediately started setting up the stage and were done in thirty minutes. Kurtis didn’t have to make any kind of public announcement for the people of Kurtistown to gather for a sudden Town meeting.
”Folks,” Mayor Kurtis clapped his hands together and a red light suddenly lit his face. “I have a very special announcement today, Kurtistown officially has its first alien visitor. Please welcome the Triton of Neptune.” He spoke into the microphone and the citizens listened in anticipation. They cheered at the mention of a new visitor in Kurtistown, alien or not, they accepted everyone just like how their mayor accepts anyone.
The mayor then handed the mic to the green alien and took a step back to stand with his boy best friends that totally aren't identical. Drew and Danny.
“Citizens of Kurtistown,” Triton spoke with their unusual voice that stunned half of the town. “I come with peace.” They then raised their hand and showed their three fat green fingers.
Triton then pulled out their phone-like device and a hologram footage of Neptune appeared that earned gasps and cheers from the audience.
”I am not a native of Neptune,” Triton started, “My ancestors are from Uranus, so that means I have Uranus blood in me.”
After Triton said that, Kurtis started turning red as he tried to refrain himself from making the obvious joke present. Even the audience started looking at Kurtis waiting patiently for him to say the joke.
”I don’t remember giving you blood from my anus.” Kurtis finally broke and told the joke.
The audience laughed and cheered at the mayor’s joke. Man, he is truly the funniest person in the world.
Triton stood confused for a minute, not understanding Kurtis’s joke but also at the same time feeling offended that the attention was taken away from him.
”Let us continue,” Triton frowned as he looked at Triton.
Kurtis apologized and the attention returned to Triton again.
“As I was saying, we brought peace and freedom to Neptune and now the planet Neptune is thriving.” They smiled, “and so today I come to tell you that I want to bring you the same freedom and peace that my ancestors brought to Neptune.”
This sounds just like the USA’s plan for the Middle East. What a coincidence!
”Do not resist my help,” Triton continued in a softer tone, “I am no colonizer.”
Kurtis chuckled as he looked at his friends, Drew and Danny, on either side of him and they knew exactly what was coming.
”Colonizer? I hardly know her.” He jested. And the crowd went wild again.
Triton turned to Kurtis with hatred written all over their face. “Are you some kind of joker?”
”Joker?” Kurtis then looked at the crowd with a smirk. “I hardly know her.” They screamed in unison.
Triton grew more frustrated, so much so that they started turning a deep shade of red. But what Triton doesn’t know is that it is in Kurtis’s blood to jest, just like how Uranus' blood is in Triton.
Once the ‘I hardly know her’ jokes start it’s hard to stop them.
“Mayor,” Triton was fully red now, “stop humiliating me and start respecting me, I am growing angrier.”
”Angrier? I hardly know her.” Kurtis was unstoppable at this point.
Suddenly, Triton had a big evil smirk on his face. “You and your little friends are going on a little adventure.”
Before Kurtis realized what Triton was saying, he continued with his joke.
”Adventure? I hardly kn-“ Kurtis didn’t even get to finish his joke before suddenly being teleported into the middle of a jungle with Danny and Drew.
”What the hell?” Kurtis and the others screamed in panic.
”I bet you do not find this funny, huh.” Triton's voice echoed through the jungle. The boys looked around, but they didn’t find them.
Kurtis, Drew and Danny stood dumbfounded in the middle of the green jungle surrounded by tall green trees.
