ben and i have been hanging out more and talking a lot. and you know what? the more time i spend with him, the more i feel like he’s my kid brother. i mean. i don’t know what it’s like to have a brother. but i think if i did, it would be like this. we insult each other a lot and punch each other a lot. but it’s all in good fun, and we have deep conversations too. he’s helped me through some things, particularly regarding my parents. he can be really immature at times, but sometimes he’s very insightful
also, i’ve been able to help him out too. which i think is good and healthy and has helped me to become more generous and compassionate. he’s been having a harder time lately with his depression and anxiety, and even though i’m no therapist, those are monsters i know well. i’m not always great with advice but i know how to listen
i really value our friendship. and i think i’m content with it. even if he just sees me as his sister or cousin or whatever, it’s okay. all i care about is him
and dang i love rey. she’s my baby. my child. my daughter. i love her and want to see her grow up to be a strong independent woman. i’ve babysat her a couple times. i also had a good conversation with leia the other night...i accidentally started crying in front of her when i was at their house and i was very embarrassed but it turned into a good talk
i love their family. it makes me wish even more that i was actually really part of it.
i talked with luke a couple weeks ago. i told him how sometimes when i feel afraid nobody loves me, i get super obsessed with him because i feel like luke is the only person who might care about me. and then i end up getting myself hurt because luke is only one man and our teacher and of course he can’t give me as much attention as i’d like from him.
we had a very long conversation about that, which i will not describe in detail right now. talked some more about how feelings can be deceptive and how i shouldn’t trust my fears all the time. then luke decided two things: first, that he and i will always have lunch together once a week so that we’re able to have hang-out time and i know that he cares about me. and second, that meliko is going to train me now instead of luke.
meliko is fannie’s apprenticer. she’s cool i guess. but she’s kind of quiet and i don’t know what goes on inside her head and that frightens me
anyway, the idea behind this is that i need a wider support network that doesn’t include only luke. i still have one-on-one training with luke the way that all the students do, but during apprenticeship times i’m training with meliko and fannie instead of with luke.
it’s been hard to adjust to. it’s different. as long as i’ve been here, i’ve only trained with luke. i’ve built up trust with him, and i don’t have that with meliko or even fannie yet. and i feel anxious a lot; i feel like a tree ripped out of the soil and planted into a pile of rocks. i can’t concentrate during apprenticeship a lot because i keep thinking about luke
but i believe this will be a good thing. it just doesn’t feel very good right now. sometimes i feel like luke passed me off to meliko because he got tired of me or doesn’t like me anymore or thinks i’m a burden, though i know it’s not true. i don’t feel like telling luke this, though. because i know if i do tell him, i’m going to want to guilt-trip him and make him feel bad and maybe manipulate him a bit into taking me back. a truly good person can recognize the evil in herself.
something that’s been bothering me though is that...i feel a bit like a fake jedi. sometimes i lie awake at night thinking, “have i been indoctrinated? do i only just believe in this force stuff because i was taught it from an early age? what if this is all a lie?”
some people think it doesn’t matter what you base your life upon, as long as it’s what you want. but i think it would be a horrible tragedy and waste if i realized i was founding my life upon something that isn’t real. or even if the force is real—what if there’s something bigger and more important out there, and i just have no idea?
in other religions, you worship a Person. a god, or a goddess, or multiple gods and goddesses. but in mine...it’s just the force. an energy field that isn’t alive, and doesn’t have a mind or heart, and doesn’t care whether i live or die. it doesn’t care when i’m in pain. it doesn’t even care whether justice is served or not. the light side, the dark side—they are both the force. and i don’t know if this...thing...is what i want to spend my life pursuing and serving.
and yet, it’s all i’ve ever known. if i leave the jedi, i have nothing.
