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My Motherhood and Nursing Journey- part 4

Preview: Preamble, God’s design, survival and human flourishing, objections and mother to mother wisdom... nursing/breastfeeding, lactivism...

Preamble

I think I know maybe just a handful of people in my life who are passionate about this subject of breastfeeding/nursing and how God has revealed to me his wonderful design and purposes. It’s hard to talk about it because I don’t want to come off as judgmental or shaming others who haven’t, are unable, or for some reason did not decide to walk this particular road. I don’t think I am a better than anyone for living the way I do. I don’t think my family will be superior to anyone’s family because of these decisions. Ultimately God is the best, He will judge justly, and His ways are the best, and the best for us. I want to share this knowledge so someone might be blessed or feel less alone in their decision to go this same path.

Off on a tangent, kind of- Ravi Zacharias had an interview with Ben Shapiro that I found encouraging in many ways. He mentioned in the talk about the issue of elitism vs. egalitarianism. Elitism referring to ideas- that there are some ideas that are better than other ideas. And egalitarianism referring that human beings are all equal in value no matter what differences they might have. The problem of today’s culture is that we have switched the two ideas of elitism and egalitarianism... there is an egalitarianism of ideas (all ideas are equal) and an elitism of people (certain people having more value than other people).

I do find often this particular conundrum in the realm of this current day conversation. It seems like ideas are treated as equal- such as, your truth is your truth, my truth is my truth (relativism) and the idea of just do what works for you (pragmatism, individual autonomy). The idea of doing something that is “better” or even “right” is considered in some conversations as harsh, judgmental, prideful, and shaming others who do things differently. Some circles embrace “science” and “facts” but when it comes to making personal decisions, many like the sense that “personal rights” are honored, vs. what is actually right for the person, and right for society and human flourishing.

So how does one have a proper discussion of ideas without feeling personally trampled, accused, attacked, or feeling like certain people who disagree will feel less valued, and feel shamed? Sadly when I google up stories of breastfeeding and post-partum depression, you hear accounts of women who feel suicidal or not mom enough because they “failed” to breastfeed their children and feel pressured by the term “breast is best”. It was in nursing school that I learned the concept of “breast is best”. I thought it was a wonderful saying, based on undeniable facts that breastmilk is far superior to any other feeding method for a baby. In today’s world it seems like the medical advice is “fed is best”. As long as the baby is fed, that is what matters. You know, for the sake of protecting a mother’s value, worth, and mental health. Mothering is hard enough right?

No judgment to my mom friends. I was formula fed. I turned out “okay” right? My mother had twins. She didn’t think breastfeeding was going to work out with us. We were also born premature... I’m happy to have been fed either way and I’m alive. Praise the Lord.

I understand somewhat, both sides of the extremes. But at the same time I don’t agree. My heart aches. My mind is puzzled. I love mothers and I love babies and I love God’s wonderful gift of breastfeeding. I truly think the “idea” of breastfeeding and breastmilk is superior to all other forms of infant feeding. How do I respond to those who disagree? I can only share from my heart and hear each story case by case and offer support where I can...

God’s design, survival and human flourishing

I’m not an expert on this but mammals are a class of animals that have mammary glands. Humans happen to be part of that same class... so we make milk, to feed our young. Wonderful isn’t it. It’s clear to me that God created us to nurse our young for however long the young need to be nursed (which some may decide what that age is...). There are wonderful articles sharing the benefits of breastmilk and breastfeeding your child for both the mother and the child- I guess I’ll link a few here, here, and here.

This information just wows me! It gets me excited. And I’m so thankful I get to do this... to nourish the next generation. Even though I am an imperfect vessel. It hasn’t been a perfect journey. Some days are harder than others. Some days I’m unsure if I even made the right decision. But we’re living it, we’re doing it... I really hope it pays to get this first hand experience so I can pass on the knowledge and support to my children. Not everyone will choose this path but I think it is absolutely necessary (in a physical sense) for human flourishing. Also, spiritual lessons can be drawn through this journey...

Being connected physically to my children for this long has definitely forced me to take care of my own health as I am nourishing lives. The lack of ovulation due to breastfeeding has bought me time to connect with my children and recover from my pregnancies, labours and deliveries. Having my children connected to me through nursing definitely forces me to understand their cues and their needs as they change and grow. I do prefer the term nursing over breastfeeding, because breast should not be just about feeding. It’s way more than that, in my paradigm. Again I did not always think this way. Nursing has forced me to be more nurturing and attentive to my babies’ emotional needs and my own body’s need to rest and restore.

In an immune perspective, I was also impressed to learn that the child’s immune system is not fully developed until they are around 6 years of age. And globally the upper limit of end of nursing is age 6-7. Isn’t that amazing?? I gotta find the exact article where I found that. They also compared different mammals, and their reproductive ages, and it seems to make sense that humans nurse longer because they reach their reproductive age at a later time compared to most animals.

Okay, and in a survival perspective. Let’s say... there is a natural disaster and we are out of clean water. And you happen to have been formula feeding your infant and now you cannot feed your child. What will you do? Obviously you wouldn’t want your child to starve. Lord willing, help will come and provide clean water somehow but as a nursing mother I have another solution to offer to you. Wet nursing. It’s been practiced in the past, and it’s even mentioned in the Bible. And we all know that formula is a modern invention right? Of course there are people who DIY their own formulas or give their kids cow or goats milk. But even bottles are a pretty modern invention. I haven’t done all the research but something in me sees that in a state of emergency and lack of clean drinking or washing water, the non-breastfed kids are going to be at a disadvantage. I guess it is helpful for a family who is formula feeding their child to have an emergency stash somewhere... anyway there are sources sharing how even if the mom doesn’t have nourishment during an emergency she can still nurse her child and make lots of milk. Wow praise God!! Breastfeeding can save lives!

Objections to promoting nursing/breastfeeding

Just to name a few. There are a lot of great pro-breastfeeding advice out there but this is my response...

- Having bad experiences with nursing. Dear mothers who struggle, you aren’t alone. It’s important to read up about nursing and connect with people who actually want you to succeed in your “breastfeeding goals” (e.g. how long you want to nurse and your experience of it). There are people who are well-intentioned but are quick to advise you (or affirm you towards) early weaning when you or baby aren’t ready yet, or provide enough information to convince you to use formula. Nursing is not supposed to be painful but the reality is that we do live in a fallen world and things like congenital abnormalities, mineral deficiencies, stress from the birth experience or medications used during labor, and lack of experience and misinformation can lead mothers on a difficult, confusing, “unnatural” mothering journey of nursing their babies in the early weeks. It is not an easy journey.

For example... myself- I was not nursed. My mother and mother in law did not nurse their kids (formula fed generation, but also just a medical condition where nursing was not advised). Generally many people in our parents’ generation did not nurse their kids so they do not see the benefit of nursing nor see what the purpose of even trying to nurse your own children since bottle feeding is more convenient. Call me kooky but I like trying new things, doing hard things and I feel motivated by the “rightness” of it all, (e.g. you start making colostrum, supply and demand based on baby’s sucking needs... it’s just meant to be, it’s supposed to happen, the baby needs it, mom needs it too)... that I think it is a pilgrimage worth journeying through.

- Fear of failure? Not feeling mom enough? Post-partum depression and anxiety... Like, what if it didn’t “work” for you for some reason? From what I have read, I honestly think that any woman who has a baby can nurse their baby, with the right supports in place, and if the mother is determined to make it work for whatever time they hope to nurse for. I am really sorry for those who couldn’t do it for what ever reasons but I don’t think it should be something to normalize when a mother or baby has to end the nursing relationship earlier than they anticipated especially in the first 2 years of the baby’s life. I think the reality is that there are many factors that make nursing so difficult for today’s modern women and I don’t think it’s fair to blame breastfeeding, or the promotion of breastfeeding for creating a sense of failure in the mother. See... perhaps someone can explain it to me, but I don’t really understand why I hear stories of moms (online usually) who say they had felt “pressure” to breastfeed their child and for some reason the mother couldn’t do it, but felt she shouldn’t have been “pressured” to breastfeed. I feel with the many options mothers have in today’s world people perceive that breastfeeding is just another mothering choice. In my mind breastfeeding is a part of mothering. And I would wish that mothers didn’t feel pressured if people come around and try to advocate and support their breastfeeding journey to be a success. I don’t see why that would be shaming a mother to promote breastfeeding, unless she truly did not want to nurse her child and felt the support was completely unnecessary. Well then that’s her choice and she should be supported as long as her baby is fed... and hopefully she did it informed-ly. Sadly I’m not even sure if people today actually want more information, but rather they want privacy and independence to do whatever they want with their lives and their children’s lives. Okay then.

There’s another great quote by Ravi where he says that with the world’s egalitarianism of ideas, that you can’t escape that there are natural consequences to each idea. I gotta post the actual quote down in the future. But it’s been burning in my mind to share that... God allows us to make the choices we make. He doesn’t necessarily force us to do what he wants. However every choice has it’s consequences. What you sow is what you reap! I love God’s order. I love how gravity is constant. I love how there is order blessing that follows with obedience, and that there is chaos and judgment when the path of selfishness and disobedience is followed.

I don’t like scaring people into decisions. But I still like to inform my dear friends who are thinking through their choices about God’s wonderful design and the wonderful scientific facts available to us. For some people they rather not think through consequences long term because for now, it works for them and their family. Bravo. It is a bit present-pragmatic (is that even a word?) but I respect that approach too. Though I love the path I have taken so far and I’m excited what God will do through it, I also acknowledge not everyone’s arrived to the same ideas, and I totally respect a wife who is willing to be lead by her husband’s lead and preferences on raising their family for the glory of God. Mothers, you are wives and helpers to your husbands before you are mothers. Your mothering will have great influence by your husband’s lead... God is watching, and He will take care.

- I just want my body back, or sleep, or self-care, or it’s just not good for my mental health. I remember losing my former belly button and realizing it will never look the same after my first was born. I had to grieve that loss and accept my body has given birth to a life and will now be nourishing a life. I am not my own. I was never my own. I am the Lord’s. I am a wife AND a mother now. I need to catch up with reality sometimes. Mother, have you considered what your body is for, and who it belongs to? Do you see your motherhood as a calling from God and a way to worship Him through your mothering duties? I feel in this world, there is an attempt to separate God’s creation from God’s intended purposes and design for that creation- specifically as I am talking about separating sex from children, separating breasts from nursing a child, separating women and wife-hood and motherhood... did you know that it is possible to tend to your sleep and mental health without sacrificing the needs of your child? I feel like I’m getting into potentially judgmental territory because I don’t know what you struggle with at this time so I apologize if this comes across wrongly. For example, did you know that breastfeeding actually causes mom and baby to be relaxed and sleepy? Doesn’t that sound like self-care, right there? Sleep with your baby if you can!! I know some people might not dig the idea of bedsharing... but that’s in the Bible too. Haha. Luke 11:7. I think my expectations of self-care have changed. I remember feeling so miserable about not having my daily showers with being so busy with the newborn stage. Now I don’t even shower every day as I learned it’s actually not good for you (especially, washing with soap that is. However I should treat myself to some “hydrotherapy” more often. Then again, I guess part of my self-care right now is to write this down for you to read right now!

I also remember being sad I had to hide in a room to avoid making certain men feel uncomfortable during a social gathering. Now I crave those alone times away from crowds and I see nursing as a nice retreat to gather myself before I go out and socialize again. In other scenarios learning to nurse in public has helped me sooth my baby in public while being able to listen to the sermon at church, for example. I’ve learned to be very flexible... we’ve even gone camping with my first at 10 months and she would just go where I went. It made for good memories even though it was a lot of work!

Mental health story: I remember the pressure of feeling I had to separate from my first child at 4 months old for that date night opportunity... I was not ready at the time. My kind in-laws were offering us a date night I believe. They formula fed their kids so the idea of leaving your child to a caregiver didn’t seem a big of a deal however for me, I wasn’t sure if my kid would even take a bottle yet. It was a pretty big deal to leave my little nursling!! Hehe first time parenting. Anyway, I called up my local LLL leader who reassured me that I can still enjoy dates with my husband while bringing my baby with me. She reassured me that babies are only little for a season and that I should enjoy the time I get with the baby, and consider things like baby wearing and bringing the baby on the date too. She commented things like I just became a mother and it is a transition. I had heard similar advice from a wise woman of 8 children who told me that this season flies by quickly and to enjoy it. Hmm... sometimes we just want to get on with the next stage only to realize we wish we could have savored it more. Not to sound kid-centric but I’m just growing more convinced that if we embrace this season of life, we can deal with it better mentally (self-talk: I am a mother and a wife and I can do both by the grace of the Lord Jesus)... and by asking for help in ways that help me to prioritize the things I care about like sleep, and mental health (e.g. asking help from family and friends with thing related to domestic duties for a season like cooking and cleaning). Now that I have 2 kids I realize the preciousness of any kind of alone time I get with my husband and help I get from others. I am more confident about leaving my kids for a couple of hours. I left my second born at 3 months with her first bottle and told my in-laws we’ll be back, in the mean time I trust you all will survive ;). it gives me perspective that if I were to die one day, my kids would be more than okay and God will take care. That takes a lot of pressure off me as a mom, even though my little ones depend so much on me for a season of time. After having my second I realize the time where they are physically needy is an important time to bond and grow together- I can choose to grumble through it, or be thankful for it and just roll with it. Some days/moments I fail and some days/moments I succeed. Anyway, perspective pays and thank God for His grace to grant us moms with supernatural patience and gentleness and kindness and thankfulness... we can’t do it on our own. We are not our own. Lord please continue to give me more of your perspective...

- We just don’t live in that kind of world, it’s not realistic, lack of support. I’ve heard this personally... that my ideals just don’t fit in this world that we live in. Moms have to go to work. We don’t live near our families. We don’t get the support we need so we can be healthy enough to nurse our children. It doesn’t feel socially acceptable to nurse my child in public. What will people think? It’s kind of gross don’t you think? My child doesn’t need this and already eats food. Well you get to make your own decision. I want to be there to support those who do choose this path, and a support to those who don’t choose the same exact path. I definitely think we need to be a community that supports each other even in our differences, and continue to learn from each other. For survival, for human flourishing, for the glory of God. Ultimately whether someone chooses to breastfeed or not is not really my primary concern. My primary concern is love, whether people understand that or not... Love for God and love for others. Not just in how we make parenting choices, but how we make time to bless one another through the time we spend together, the ideas we might share, and the practical help we provide for one another. Mom’s need support to raise the next generation. This is work of eternal value. It needs community to support this grand endeavour.

Mother to mother wisdom

Titus 2 comes to mind. But also from the inspiration of LLL and other sources of information, I’ve been more and more convinced the value of passing on wisdom, traditions and knowledge via mother to mother. I sense we live in a culture where families are very individualistic, and distant from the previous generation, and are quick to run to the “experts” e.g. their doctor when concerns arise in the care of their child, or the way they handle labour and delivery. I want to share my heart about this as I think this is vital to human flourishing and obeying the Lord in the area of women and childbearing. Shortly my concern is that when people run to health care providers who are not experienced in normal birth and delivery and preparing the woman to conceive and carry a pregnancy and give birth, and nursing well... that it could lead to a negative experience of motherhood (starting from conception) and create unnecessary trauma for a woman and harden her heart towards the idea of having more children going forward, or being fearful of her past traumas. My understanding is that these traumatic experiences don’t have to be the norm (as it is dramatized in our culture about worst case scenarios, and hospitalization of birth as if it were a disease)... instead I would want to advocate healthy motherhood experiences from conception to post-partum so the mother gets the best start to her parenting journey and is encouraged to continue being open to children out of obedience to the Lord. I know maybe it’s not in my job to change a person’s heart on the subject of trusting God with their fertility but I guess I see that the factors that impact a woman’s motherhood could be improved so that the experience of motherhood can be enjoyed for what it was meant to be. There are things that a doctor isn’t necessarily going to tell a mother unless they too themselves are mothers. Actually if a woman were to visit a doctor for their birth, it would be wisest if the doctor was too a woman or a man who is married to a woman who has given birth to many children. I think I can trust testimony from a woman who has successfully given birth and has cared for her body and is proven to be able to care for her families needs. An example that I admire is Serene Allison from Trim Healthy Mama. She looks great after 9 biological kids (I think) and is a grandmother, homeschooler and businesswoman. She has a little one herself and looks like a busy mom and faithful wife and is spiritually lively.

In conclusion... I am not against formula or those who think differently. But I really love God’s gift of nursing and mothering and wanted to share that to the world and give praise to God as I share. He is good and so wise! There is so much I could write about this topic... as God teaches me but I think this concludes my series on “Motherhood and nursing journey” so far...

Lactivist quotes from theologian John Calvin

". . .the Lord does not in vain prepare nutriment for children in their mothers' bosoms, before they are born. But those on whom he confers the honor of mothers, he, in this way, constitutes nurses; and they who deem it a hardship to nourish their own offspring, break, as far as they are able, the sacred bond of nature. If disease, or anything of that kind, is the hindrance, they have a just excuse; but for mothers voluntarily, and for their own pleasure, to avoid the trouble of nursing, and thus to make themselves only half-mothers, is a shameful corruption."

The above is a comment from John Calvin's writings about Genesis 21:7, which reads:

7 And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."

Love,

Michelle

#lactivism

What are your thoughts on lactivism?

Lactivism is activism for the belief that people should be allowed to breastfeed in public, and that breastfeeding is not indecent. And if I’m not mistaken it also is activism pushing for more breastfed babies; that we’ve become too reliant on products and material goods as parents and should encourage breastfeeding over formula feeding.

The former we can agree on, the latter... well, as long as your lactivism isn’t attacking people for choosing the formula over breast milk (particularly because not everyone is capable of breastfeeding), then we can also agree that breast milk is definitely better and the stigma we’ve attached to breastfeeding (and the harassment because of it) is a contributor behind parents foregoing it.

- mod BP

#lactivism #breastfeeding #parenting #nursing #breast feeding #Anonymous #asks