(48: “why are you crying?”)
Sometimes, when he was alone and trying to sleep at night, Kit would let himself think about his life before the Shadowhunters and allow himself to mourn it.
He didn’t necessarily want to go back to how things were–it wasn’t like his life had been amazing–but he still missed it sometimes, with an ache in his heart that brought tears to his eyes.
He had been in bed for the past hour, tossing and turning and fighting for sleep, but it wouldn’t come. He kept reliving his past, every wonderful and horrible moment, the things he’d wanted, the things he’d done, all that he’d lost. He couldn’t help but think that his life now–living in the Institute, with the closest thing he’d ever had to a real family–would be taken from him. Something this good surely couldn’t last, not for him. He felt a tear slide down his cheek, and then another, and he didn’t fight it; Shadowhunters didn’t cry, unless no one was watching.
A knock sounded at his door, and before he could say anything Ty poked his head in, black curls falling into his eyes. His eyes burned with intensity, brimming with news that he couldn’t wait to share. He saw Kit awake on the bed and his face lit up. He took a few steps into the room, already gesturing with his hands. “I saw that the light was on, so I figured you were awake,” he said, smiling. “Kit, you won’t believe what I just saw outside–are you all right? Why are you crying? Did something happen?”
Kit sat up, swiping angrily under his eyes with the heel of his hand. “Nothing,” he muttered, his voice choked with tears. “I’m fine. What did you see? It can’t be as cool as that cuckoo wasp we found on Friday.”
Ty shook his head, face suddenly serious, and approached Kit’s bed, looking down at him with worried gray eyes. “It doesn’t matter,” he said, eyebrows drawing together. “What’s wrong? Maybe I can help.”
“I’m tired of losing,” Kit blurted, almost without meaning to. He sighed and rubbed at his eyes, fighting to clear his head. When he looked up again, Ty hadn’t moved, and his expression was curious but not pressuring. He would let Kit tell him whatever he was comfortable with saying out loud. “I mean …” Kit swallowed and tried again. “I just feel like my whole life, I’ve been losing things. I lost my mother without ever knowing who she really is. I lost my dad, the only real family I had left. I lost my innocence a long time ago. I feel like I’ve lost my childhood, too, like I just skipped to having adult burdens and concerns without ever getting to be a kid. And I guess I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m just scared that I–that I’ll lose you, too. Someday, you’ll get tired of me, and I won’t make you happy anymore, and I’ll keep losing until I die⸺”
“Stop it!” Ty demanded, his hands balled into fists at his sides. Kit looked up in surprise; Ty’s face was screwed up in shock and hurt and disbelief, his eyes confused and gentle and filled with tears. Kit had hardly ever seen him this angry. “I can’t believe you would even say that. You’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me, Kit. You saved me. I could never get tired of you, and you won’t lose me until the day I die, and maybe not even then. I need you just as much as you need me, you know. I can’t lose you, either.”
Kit drew in a surprised breath, standing up to reach Ty’s level. “I …” He hesitated, at a loss for words. No one had ever needed him before. Wanted, maybe, but never needed, like some vital organ. “I’m sorry,” he said, and fell against Ty, wrapping his arms around his neck and burying his face in the space between his neck and his shoulder. Ty, surprised, took a moment to respond, but he locked his arms around Kit’s back and relaxed into the embrace. Kit was one of the only people he could stand to touch, and intimate moments like these were the ones Kit loved the most.
“It’s okay,” Ty whispered against Kit’s hair, over and over again like a mantra: “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.” When they finally broke apart, Kit was crying again, but this time Ty was there to wipe away his tears, offering him a reassuring smile and gently guiding him to sit on the edge of the bed. He interlaced their fingers, a casual gesture that meant so much more when it was with Ty, and they sat in comfortable silence for a while, the only sound being Kit’s occasional sniffing.
“Hey,” Kit whispered, when his foot started to fall asleep from being in the same position for too long, “you still have to tell me what you saw tonight.”
Ty beamed, his eyes lighting up with that indescribable spark that Kit could never get enough of. “I bet they’re still outside,” he said, getting up off the bed, pulling Kit after him with their hands still locked together. “Come with me.”
They wound through the halls of the Institute, their footsteps and laughter echoing on the walls, and made their way outside, where Ty let Kit around to the back and tugged him down to sit on the damp grass, where he gazed up at the sky, his face alight with fascination and awe.
Kit followed his gaze and saw dozens, maybe hundreds, of fireflies hovering over their heads, their white-green lights flashing in the clear black sky. It was rare to see so many of them all in one place, and Kit could see why Ty had been so excited about them. They were beautiful, he thought, but after a moment he turned his head to look at Ty instead, at the look on his face, the gentle curve of his jaw and the soft tumble of his hair over his ears and forehead. “The view is amazing, isn’t it?” Ty whispered, sighing contentedly.
Kit smiled in the dark, and gave Ty’s hand a squeeze. “It sure is,” he said. He fell asleep curled against Ty’s shoulder, under the vast sky and a thousand blinking lights, and for the first time in his life, he was truly home.
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