Guilt part 2 (version two)
Now, THIS is the really angsty one, so prepare yourselves! And yes, the two first paragraphs are basically the same as in the other version.
Request: some people wanted a part 2 of Guilt @emu-ish @zorathedemon @thegirlonhamilton @macayla0616
Pairing: Lafayette x reader
Prompt: None
Setting: hamiltime
Warnings: death, griefing
Word count: 2166
—
During your pregnancy, Lafayette was there the whole time. You appreciated it, but you were miles and miles away from forgiving him for his horrible mistake. He knew that, and tried in every way possible to prove his love for you, but you didn’t budge. You let him stay for the baby, not yourself.
-
Your daughter, Henriette, was almost two years now, and resembled her father enough to break your heart a little every time she smiled like him. Despite this, you loved her more than everything in the world, and so did Lafayette. This made you capable of living with him. Henriette was your number one priority, and you wanted her to grow up with a loving father. Lafayette was exactly that.
“Lafayette, could you bring me Henriette’s medicine, please? She’s having another coughing fit”, you requested, and it took only a few seconds before Lafayette appeared with the small bottle with her medicine. Henriette hated the taste of the liquid, so the second she saw it, she began thrashing in your arms, but you held her tightly while Lafayette poured some of it gently in her mouth. After a few seconds she stopped coughing, and you could finally put her to bed, so she could rest a bit during the night, hoping it would improve her condition.
-
The next morning, however, she had acquired a relatively high fever. She was pale, and looked completely drained. You were beyond worried now, and decided that you needed another visit by the doctor. He had been at your house a few days earlier for her coughing, but she had only worsened since then.
“Henriette has a fever, look after her while I get the doctor would you?” you practically demanded while putting your coat on. You felt yourself growing emotional about Henriette and what was happening to her, and you didn’t want to let your guard down in front of Lafayette, so you just exited the house without saying another word.
The doctor lived within short walking distance from your house, and now you had never been more grateful for it. It took you less than five minutes to get to his door, and now you were standing outside his door, and was waiting for him to open up.
“Oh, hello, [Y/N], what brings you here this early?” the doctor, whose name was David, kindly said. The two of you were on first name basis, seeing as he was an old family friend, and had been your doctor for years.
“Henriette hasn’t gotten better at all, she’s coughing more, and now she has a fever. Could you come check on her right now?” you blurted out, no time for polite greetings.
“Yes, of course”, David responded, his face now expressing worry. He quickly grabbed his coat, and the two of you hurried back to your house.
When you opened the door, you saw Lafayette and Henriette at once. He was carrying her back and forth in the hallway, trying to calm her crying, but to no avail.
“Let’s go to her room, put her in her bed, and I’ll examine her there”, David instructed after he had greeted Lafayette, and you did as he had told you.
Henriette’s crying reduced slightly after she was put down and the doctor started examining her, stopping a few times to calm her down a little.
“I’m sorry, but it appears she has quite severe pneumonia. Now, this could pass, but it could also be-“ David was cut short by another of Henriette’s coughing fits. He picked her up so he could listen to her lungs, and his face turned even more worried.
However, your and Lafayette’s faces expressed panic. You were positioned so that you could see her face, and you noticed she had coughed up some blood.
“David, look at her face”, Lafayette commanded, not knowing what the blood meant, but it obviously couldn’t be good. David turned her around at once, and his eyes widened.
“Oh, god, this isn’t good”, the doctor said, not caring that he was blunt. “Right, I’m going to give you the medicine she could get better from. I can’t guarantee it will work, but it’s worth a try. She needs supervision at all times…” the doctor continued talking, but his voice drifted away from you.
You knew what could happen. This had happened to your brother. He only got four years in this world before he passed on because of pneumonia. And you hated the world for taking him away too early, and now the same thing might happen to your own daughter.
“[Y/N], are you okay, mon ange?”
The use of your once beloved nickname, which now only brought you sorrow, jerked you back to the current situation.
“I’m fine”, you said bluntly and reached for Henriette who had now stopped coughing. David handed you to her right away, and you sat down in a chair, holding her tight. You rocked slightly from side to side as to keep her calm, and began singing the song you had heard Lafayette sing every time he put her to bed, and you had unconsciously learned it as it brought you comfort when you heard it.
Frère Jacques, frère Jacques, Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? Sonnez les matines! Sonnez les matines! Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.
You repeated it time after time after time. Without you noticing, the doctor had left your house, and Lafayette had started crying. He stood next to you, but you didn’t sense his presence, your focus completely on Henriette.
Needing your comfort, Lafayette reached for your shoulder. The moment he touched you, you jerked away. Even though Henriette was ill, it didn’t mean that you had forgotten what he did. You weren’t going to let him back in now. You were going through this together, not as husband and wife, but as parents who both loved their child.
-
A week passed, and Henriette’s condition only worsened. You stayed by her side at all times, barely sleeping or eating, while Lafayette tried looking after both you and your daughter. You wouldn’t accept his help, though; still believing you could handle this without him.
Along with Henriette, you got skinnier and paler as the days went by, but no matter how you felt, you stayed with her. Lafayette was still trying to coax you to eat and sleep more, but your mind was completely shutting out the entire world except for Henriette. You gave her medicine, fed her when she could eat, bathed her, put her to sleep and everything in between. Lafayette was desperate to be there for his daughter, but you were so determined not to let him see you broken down, that you without intention kept him away from her.
At one point, you fell asleep in a chair next to Henriette’s bed and slept for hours, allowing Lafayette some time with his fading daughter. When you woke up, you were close to panic from not knowing what had happened while you were asleep. Lafayette assured you he had looked after Henriette in the best way he could possibly manage, and you realized that his help was actually needed.
For the first time in over a week, you prepared yourself a full meal while Lafayette looked after Henriette. You had gone hungry long enough for you to not feel the pain in your stomach anymore, but when you finished enough food for three, you realized what you had done to yourself. Now you were angry with yourself. You thought about how you maybe could have taken care of Henriette if you were fully rested and not hungry.
Frustrated, you let out a small sound of anger, but contained yourself as not to take the focus away from Henriette. You walked back into the bedroom where Lafayette was holding a heavy-breathed, frail Henriette in his arms. His eyes were full of worry and adoration, and you couldn’t help but notice the familiar feeling in your heart. You felt at home. This is what it was supposed to be like: Henriette, Lafayette and you. A bittersweet smile made its way to your face.
However, the smile didn’t stay for long. It was replaced by a look of panic and worry when Henriette started hyperventilating.
“What’s happening to her?” you whimpered, taking a step closer to them so you could see her face properly. She didn’t appear to be choking on anything, and before you could assess the situation, her breathing calmed down again, but now it was much slower than usual.
Both you and Lafayette seemed to understand what was going to happen. He gently handed her to you, and then wrapped his arms around her while standing beside you. Her breathing got slower.
Slower.
Slower.
Slower.
Slower.
Until it stopped.
You let out a piercing scream, and Lafayette fell to his knees, sobbing. With Henriette still in your arms, you didn’t know what to do with yourself, you just screamed. Screamed for her to come back. Screamed at the world for taking her away from you.
Feeling your whole body starting to shake, you put Henriette down in her bed; afraid you’d drop her. She looked so peaceful, and you put your head on her belly, and just cried. Lafayette walked over to you, touching your arm carefully, but this time, as always, you pulled away from him harshly.
You backed away from Henriette until your back hit a wall and you sunk down. Lafayette cradled you daughter’s body, praying for the impossible, and you just cried. Both of you cried for what seemed like an eternity.
-
After you saw the coffin with your daughter inside being lowered into the ground, you stopped crying. Now you felt empty. What were you supposed to do now? How could you go on?
Lafayette and you went home, and no words were exchanged, both of you wallowing in sorrow, keeping to yourselves. You completely shut down, sleeping almost all of the time, as an escape from the horrid reality, while Lafayette did everything to get his mind off Henriette’s death.
He tried talking to you when you were awake. You didn’t push him away, knowing this was his way of coping. You didn’t say anything back, but he didn’t mind.
-
One day, you had for the first time made your way out in the garden and you felt everything so strongly after being inside for a long time. The sun on your skin, the wind in your hair.
As always when you were awake in the presence of Lafayette, he was talking to you, but you couldn’t seem to catch any of his words. Normally, you’d listen to what he had to say, as it would often be beautiful stories that brightened your day ever so little, but now all you could think about was Henriette toddle around with her gurgles and giggles bringing you joy.
You hadn’t been out in the back garden after she died, and it was so hard for you to be out there without her present. You had gone through exactly the same process with every single room inside the house, and now you had to deal with the back garden.
For the first time after the funeral, you felt yourself tear up. Lafayette didn’t notice at first, even though he was seated right next to you on the bench you had had for years. You didn’t want to shut yourself in anymore. You wanted Lafayette to be your husband, not just the person who shared the same heartbreak as you. You didn’t care about the fact that he cheated on you anymore, because you knew he was broken, and wouldn’t be able to do such a thing again.
So you grabbed his hand. Immediately, he stopped talking, and looked up at you with disbelief in his eyes. You finally let yourself go in front of him, and it felt so good to rely on someone again. He held you while you cried, and his grip was so familiar, exactly as it had been before.
You cried for a long time, completely draining yourself, and you eventually fell asleep in his arms. He carried you to your bedroom, and as he was exiting, you woke up.
“Please, Laf, will you stay?” you asked, voice groggy and raspy after crying so much and the fact that you had barely spoken since her death.
“Of, course, mon cher”, he answered, walking back to the bed, took off some of his clothes as to sleep more comfortably, and laid down next to you. He didn’t know how close you wanted him, so he let you decide by staying completely still. You clung to him immediately, needing the comfort of his presence.
That night you held each other closer than ever, afraid of losing the other person. Now that Henriette was gone, all you had left of her was each other, and you were both very aware of it.