#langton hall

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1825 Sunday 25 December

9 2 Made no attempt last night to kiss or grubble - Down to breakfast at 10 1/2 went ten minutes before but Mrs Milne was not there she asked if I was happy last night I knew what she meant yes said I never more so 'I thought so' and she gave me to understand plainly enough she understood and did not dislike my attentions the girls soon came -

Talked away the morning (downstairs) - we all, but poor Mrs. N- [Norcliffe], went to church at 2 - Mr. Simpson preached about 20 minutes from 1 Epistles - St. John iv. 9 and 10 - Mrs. M- [Milne] and CN- [Charlotte Norcliffe] loitered in the village - on their coming in, asked them to walk in the garden - CN [Charlotte Norcliffe] engaged with teaching children - IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] would not put her things on again - Mrs. M- [Milne] and I walked there tête à tête an hour before CN- [Charlotte Norcliffe] joined us -

Made absolute love said Pi [Mariana] was not warm and nobody knew her better than I did Mrs Milne warmer I highly respected Pi [Mariana] my regard for Mrs Milne was quite a different perhaps she Mrs Milne would suit me better but I might never see her again why not that depended on myself no I durst not have her at Shibden Pi [Mariana] would not let me all would make a rowe some people might steal a horse while others might not open the stable door Mrs Milne seemed to agree this was her case as well as mine and here we sympathized she said she liked me in my greatcoat and hat no no said I not externally well but said she at heart then I answered I should always have them at heart for her I hinted at circumstances and inconsistent feelings she received my advances well I saw her feelings were getting a little interested when Charlotte rang the garden doorbell Mrs Milnes cheeks were deeply suffused she said 'well well I like you better than I did' and ran to open the door she made the excuse of being out of breath twas well or Charlotte might have seen there was something more than common we walked half hour longer I had before said I would make an excuse and be off when Charlotte came but Mrs Milne begged me not she said she was very fond of Charlotte but they went on humdrum her regard for me was very different - I behave very properly before them all but Mrs Milne understands me -

Dinner at 5 1/4 - got as usual near to Mrs Milne at tea she began pinching my feet upon which I became gradually impassioned she saw this and went on evidently pleased with the effect she produced perfectly evident to and understood by her tho not by the rest tho Mrs Norcliffe kept talking to me at last I got up and left the room Mrs Milne thought (for I pretended a little more than I really felt to try her) it was my excitement that was so strong I was quite obliged to go - I did go to my own room and take a little cold water and sit still for a few minutes murmuring to myself well they are all alike for I was a little taken by surprise not expecting her to melt so entirely I heard her on the stairs as she was going down again I joined her she looked tenderly and said 'what are you' evidently knowing what had been the matter oh said I I had a little headache are you angry 'oh no how can I' and we walked in to the room as if nothing was the matter we by and by all three sat lolling on the sofa (we had just before sat again a little at the table and she pinched my toes a little more seeing by my manner that she excited me) she pinched my right hand and getting hold of the wedding ring on the third finger tried with all her might and main to get it off but could not for the swelling she whispered once 'give it me' of course I could make no answer then but looked at her once or twice to say I would explain for during tea time she had contrived to give me unperceived a little turquoise ring and a pearl hoop which on going upstairs I had put away lest they should be seen meaning to choose the former and prettily tell her for the pearl could never be mine -

On going into her room at night Charlotte would not leave us but Mrs Milne contrived to whisper be early at breakfast - I staid a little with Charlotte then pretending to have left something went in again for a moment she just said again 'what are you' and kissed me with rather open lips quite enough so to show me that her feelings were willing to run along with mine -

Packed up all my things which kept me up so long - High wind all last night - windy but very fine day - E.O.. -  

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0043 - SH:7/ML/E/9/0044

[skgway]

1820 Oct., Wed. 11

8 ¾

1 10/60

Q

In the morning had letter nearly 3 wide pages from M– [Mariana] (Lawton) written with difficulty on account of having cut her thumb with a pruning knife and thus disabled her right hand – 

Supposing me at the Duffins a message to Mr. B– Belcombe and Eli[za] wrote to give these 3 pages to Eli[za] and being prevented going out by a little drizzling rain about 3, wrote a couple of pages to my aunt – 

To these added a page and the ends in the evening and sent to the post boy for tomorrow the letter to my aunt (Shibden) and the one to Eliza (Petergate,York) – 

Miss Vallance went earlyish to bed, being unwell with spasms – sat downstairs till 11 talking to C– [Charlotte] she telling me of the boldness of  π [Mariana’s] manners and the coldness of my own etc. I said both π [Mariana] and I thought her, Charlotte, the coldest mannered girl we had ever seen –

Fine morning – but cold – a little rain in the afternoon – Miss V[allance] bade me go to her while the girls were undressing. Charlotte kept me but went to her at eleven. Found her alone and tho Burnett came in she whispered me to stay. Began rubbing her.

Got quit of Tib and Burnette second time and staid with her till twelve – Burnet says her complaint is quite on her nerves. I know it is and I am the best doctor.

I soon found what was the matter kissed and put my tongue in while I had the three big fingers of my right hand pushed as far as they would go up queer. Distinctly felt the stones of ovaria she was very ready and wide as if there was not virginity to struggle with.

I spoke softly and asked if she liked me she said yes and began to whimper saying it was not worth having and would send me to Isabel. I would not come till Tib was asleep. I don’t think this really annoyed Miss V[allance] tho she made another feint to whimper when she said her love was not worth having. I bade her try me. 

I really think I shall be going to bed to her or being connected with her by and by. She is ready enough but perhaps she likes me a little independent of her nervousness – 

Came into my own room at 12 – wrote the above of today –

[bagga-coal]

Can’t wait to see Joanna Scanlan’s portrayal of this significant person in AL’s life. Flashback Langton Hall shenanigans?? Please? 😝

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1825 Monday 26 December

9 2 Tib asleep last night I could not help musing on Mrs Milne she was down this morning ten minutes before me rapped at my door gently as she went - Down to breakfast at 10 20/60 - she was waiting for me I looked as if impassioned but as if fearing she might be angry said I could bear her hate or her indifference but not her kindness I was not myself she saw the influence she had over me she looked encouragement leaned to me in kissing and gave her open lips I might have done what I would with her she asked me to write to her but ah said she you can speak much better you will write very differently you will be calm then I bade her write to me first and she promised she would I said you told me on Friday you could excite the feelings of another and keep your own calm 'oh so you think me so base dont say so to me I am not so base' but it is impossible your feelings should be like mine 'no it is not impossible' and she bent herself to me I shewing excitement and holding back oh said I I cannot stand it you cannot misunderstand me you know what you do she looked tender and we sat down like lovers or like those whose love was authorized

I had before slightly hinted at my being wrong behaving ill etc. could not help it etc. 'oh no tis I am wrong but dont talk of it' she asked who gave me the ring I did not say at first but then said it was Pi [Mariana] and my uncle made me wear it she was more obliged to him than me she had said yesterday Pi [Mariana] liked me better than her husband I knew how she had joked about my sleeping with Pi [Mariana] (which she did not deny) but she never made a worse hit Pi [Mariana] was cold I could once have liked her but I thought and had often told her she had behaved very ill to me but my uncle and aunt were more her friends than I they thought her the most judicious friend I could have perhaps they were mistaken but I had given my promise I could not live on air and so decided was my uncle I had no alternative tho perhaps a little more geniality would suit me better and make me happier to which Mrs Milne agreed I said perhaps after all Mrs Milne and I were meant for each other she would have a very different influence over me from that Pi [Mariana] had and if she had been tied to a mind like mine with such devotion we might have both been very different I said I had often pitied her she said it was not easy to meet with a mind like mine she believed she had no friend in the world but Charlotte and she might not be such if she knew all yes said I you have another 'may I count upon that' yes said I you may 'will you always think so you will change when you are away' of course I protested not I said I did not know that Pi [Mariana] would let her come and visit us which seemed not to surprise her said Pi [Mariana] had behaved ill I had neither made the match nor marred it knew no more of it than the pope till all was in fact settled - yet still I was attached to Pi [Mariana] for I respected and esteemed her more than any woman breathing Mrs Milne said I had surprised her much the girls came they are coming said I give me one kiss 'the devil take them' I heard her mutter to herself then saw her preside at the breakfast table with all the ease of her usual manner - we kept up an understanding with our feet -

After breakfast she shewed me before Charlotte the letter she had had from her sons school master an awkwardish one about terms she scarce knew what to answer and must write by us (Tib and me) I directly wrote her the copy of what she and Charlotte approved she had told me before that Charlotte had said she never liked me so well before Charlotte mentioned the letter I had written for Tib to Beatrix on her marrying Norcliffe and I am in high favour - on going up to send all my things Mrs Milne came for a moment I kissed her she said 'do not forget me say I love you Harriet' ah said I it is not love tis adoration but do you love me 'yes I do love you' well dont look cross at me the next time I see you 'how can you say so you have me quite' and she kissed me with open lips I might have taken any liberty I pleased you have me yes thought I she would see us off and stood at the door in the cold whether she can love me or not she has committed herself we have both gone too far to retract I thought and think of this poor Pi [Mariana] how can I trust myself I know not yet how keen remorse will be or if I have too little virtue left to feel it deeply - I cannot do not respect Mrs Milne I told her seriously she must not now be nonsensical with anyone else I could not stand it I should be desperately jealous she has no conduct she would intrigue with anyone - how can I trust such a woman -

CN [Charlotte Norcliffe], and IN [Isabella Norcliffe], came down to breakfast a little after 11 - Long conversation with Mrs. N- [Norcliffe] in her bed - she never seemed more fond of me will write all her mind to me - Her gout better this morning - the luncheon tray brought in - a young Mr. and Miss Strickland called - IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] and I off in the gig at 1 1/2 George riding CN-'s [Charlotte Norcliffe's] pony - met Norcliffe and his wife and party going to Howsham to the christening of colonel Cholmley's little girl Beatrix Louisa - stopt for IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] at Mrs. Ridley's the lord mayors walk, and at Nicholsons in College Street, set IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] down at the Black Swan, and got out myself here (at Mr. Duffin's) at 4 1/2 - Dinner at 5 - Talked away the evening - IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] came to tea a little after 8, and staid till very near 11 - Miss M- [Marsh] and I walked with her to the Black Swan where we left her for the night after staying a few minutes to look at her room etc. etc. Got back in 1/2 hour Mr. and Miss D- [Duffin] gone to bed - went to my room at 11 1/2 -

Miss Duffin soon came to me and staid till near two for I curled my hair while she was with me then latterly turned to obscurely love making she said I was very odd I said I was very foolish she knew not how much so she was evidently interested she scarce knew why and staid because she could not get away she likes me I suit her she speaks confidentially thought I to myself here am I flirting again not contented with my folly with Miss Milne how can I trust myself - Very fine day - beautiful moonlight night - E.O..-  

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0044

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1825 Saturday 24 December

9 1/2 1 1/2 Had one tolerable kiss of Tib last night but she is very unwieldy was soon exhausted and is worn out for these matters

Went down to breakfast at 11 - only a minute or two with Mrs Milne Charlotte came - Mrs. M- [Milne] drove CN- [Charlotte Norcliffe] and I drove IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] and we all went to Kirkham abbey, lately purchased by a Mr. Clarkson, who is excavating it, and has traced the ground plan of the church, and found they say some curiosities, but he was not at home, that these we could not see - It is a fine old ruin, prettily situated near the Derwent - returned by Westow - just 1/2 hour at the abbey, and got home at 3 -

Dinner a little past 5 - In the evening Mrs. M- [Milne] and I against Mrs. N- [Norcliffe] and CN- [Charlotte Norcliffe] won a rubber at Cassino - Mrs. M- [Milne] and I then played several games (2d. [pence] a game) at Écarté - I left off losing one game - all the while paying attention to Mrs Milne she saw and understood it well enough tho I dont fancy anyone else did she was not displeased

On going to bed went into her room but Charlotte would not leave us together - went up to bed at 11 3/4 - Very fine day - E.O.. -  

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0043

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1825 Friday 23 December

8 1/2 2 10/60 Grubbled Tib a little last night but she every now and then when my right middle finger was a little up said I hurt her she was very dry and I let her alone without once attempting to go near her myself -

Went immediately to Mrs. M-'s [Milne's] and CN-'s [Charlotte Norcliffe's] room to ask if Mrs M- [Milne] would let me drive her to Malton for IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] could not be ready soon enough - I must go at 11, that George might be ready to wait at dinner - yes - down to breakfast at 10 1/2 - Mrs. M- [Milne] and I tête à tête - began flirting as usual then somehow got on the subject of Pi's [Mariana's] settlement told what I had said about it to Mrs Belcombe speaking of her conduct called it 'a rogueish action' Mrs Milne took it in high dudgeon I in vain endeavoured to explain but retracted the word rogueish it was Mrs B's [Belcombe's] action not herself I blamed she was mistaken however great the injustice there was no fault of intention etc. etc. Mrs Milne seemed nervous she left me to finish my breakfast by myself which I did very composedly -

Drove Mrs. Milne to Malton - (Caradoc in the N-'s [Norcliffe's] gig, to see how he went in one lighter than our own) - off at 11 1/2 - stopt to order strong leather boots at Ruther's, and back in 1 3/4 hour -

Defended myself and flirted ah said she how you can make the worse appear the better cause I could not forgive anyone else so easily I rallied her talked rather cavalierly of Pi [Mariana] said she must do as I liked or break with me at once which last she might do if she chose I must have my own way Pi [Mariana] had not that sort of influence to prevent it insinuated that Mrs Milne m[ight] succeed better she might manage me ladies always ruled etc. etc. said how dangerous she was she said she could excite the feelings of others and keep her own calm I said this might not always be in her power ended by shewing the highest respect for Pi [Mariana] and not much for Mrs Milne it was fascination not esteem etc. etc. she had sense enough to see and say that I did not flatter her much however she seemed satisfied and praised my agreeableness -

Downstairs talking to one or other till time to dress for dinner - Dinner a little after 5 - Talked away the evening - Long and kind Letter from Miss Maclean this morning (forwarded from Shibden) from Edinburgh - they have taken a small house there till the 22nd of April - I am to hear again, but Miss Mc.L- [Maclean] wishes me to go any time before the 22nd - went upstairs to bed at 11 1/2 - very fine morning, but we had hardly returned from Malton before it began to rain and turned out a rainy afternoon and evening - E.O.. -

Covertly attentive to Mrs Milne after we came up to bed had her in my room trying on my French things stays petticoat gown and bonnet etc. I had made the offer she willingly accepted said I was very good tempered about it the girls so abused French things and mine too and me for as they said preferring everything French - had Tib on my knee looked at and grubbled her and finding her tolerably moist got into bed to try for a kiss -  

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0043

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1825 Thursday 22 December

8 1 Had all packed, and down to breakfast at 9 25/60 - took leave of Mr. and Miss Duffin and Miss Marsh, and off to Langton at 11 40/60 - stopt to order shoes at Hornby's, and to inquire if there were letters for L- [Langton] at Fisher's, and drove the 17 miles in 2 3/4 hour - the N-s [Norcliffes] very glad to see me - Mrs. N- [Norcliffe] laid up in the gout - lying on the sofa - Mrs. Milne there - covertly attentive to her - Dinner a little after 5 - IN [Isabella Norcliffe] retired between 10 and 11 - sat up with Mrs. M- [Milne] and CN- [Charlotte Norcliffe], telling Parisian stories, till 12 - Rainy day - small rain all the way I went, and a very disagreeable day - E..O.. -

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0043

[skgway]

1820 Oct., Tues. 24

9 10/60

11 35/60

At 12 10/50 I[sabella] N[orcliffe] and Miss V– [Vallance] and I set off to the wold and walked about an hour when we came home with I[sabella] N[orcliffe] – and then returned to the wold for an hour longer – 

Great deal of conversation about our feelings towards each other. I explaining away all I had said on Saturday, and turning all my sentiments and conduct into what was flattering to her. Assuring her of my great esteem respect etc. etc. All which seemed to go down very well.

She acknowledged the great impression made by what I said on Saturday, but owned it might have have been done away with but for a most affectionate confiding letter on Sunday from Mr. Schalk, which confirmed her in her resolutions for the future.

Yet after all this, and a very great deal more, she said I did not know her feelings, she was not cold etc. etc. and if I had known what she felt on Saturday night I should not have left her. ‘Oh oh,’ thought I. I guessed it before but now I see how it is. If thus it could be after all. She pretended about what I had said only that very Saturday in the morning. 

She said she could not trust herself. Could tell me this, and that feeling, and would trust to my honor. I said I would not hear anything that could bind me for that I would not be bound at all – 

I[sabella] N[orcliffe] met us in the East balk field about 2 1/2 and took me thence in the gig to Malton. Returned the low road and got home at 4 1/2 – In the evening from page 110. to 278. volume 2. Ferguson’s Rome – V [Miss Vallance] and I joining legs under the table and she took to it very kindly – Miss V– [Vallance] tired with her walk and went to bed at 9 3/4 – Very fine day – 

Came upstairs at 10 20/60 – got undressed, all but curling. Tib had not undressed. Watched her and Charlotte away, and went to V [Miss Vallance]. 

After slight opposition, got into bed with my stocking and dressing gown on. Quarter hour dawdling and entreating she could not hold out any longer, and let me have a good kiss. I staid just half hour and then left her, just beginning to cry etc. and act a good scene of remorse, which I took with proper pathos and just got into my own room before Tib came – 

Curled and washed queer, and got into bed and gave and took a good kiss with Tib, who little dreams what passed between her friend and me – I could not help thinking a little and chuckling at my victory more opposed in word than deed –