And how do we start this again? Personal story time.
Hello dear, lovely people.
I'm, once again, back.
What happened?
Tons of stuff. But, the most important one, I didn't had internet connection those last days. Why? Didn't have the money to pay for it.
Since I'm still struggling with depression - and you all know this story already - I didn't get the strength to do something about it. I could have got money from someone, or I could have gone to free wifi at malls, or I could have gone to friends houses. I could have done TONS of stuff. But I didn't have the will to do any of it.
Until, finally, I did the one right thing to do: I got a job.
What do you mean, Thati, didn't you had a job before?
Yes, I was interning in research in History, Philosophy and Art in Casa de Rui Barbosa, big deal here in Rio. Only thing, I was getting so little money - it was much more about the research and the experience that about the money - and, finally, I can't write academic anymore. I just can't. Not right now. My brain gave up on research, on philosophy, on writing, on everything that I always did as part of my day-to-day life.
I have no use to anyone I ever knew right now. I don't have skills, my only skill is writing and researching. I don't draw, I don't sing, I don't dance, I can't act, I'm not good with people. I know how to study. I know how to write about it. And now I can't even do this.
So.
But let's not cry over this. I gave up research and I'm in the process of giving up college for the moment. I'll probably be back... next year. I think. I'm just too tired right now.
But it's no use to just be at home crying, so I got a job at the mall. I sell... well. PCs. Notebooks. Tablets. Cellphones. Headphones, mostly. XBox games. I say "Good afternoon" a lot.
It's... different. Different from anything I did before. For one side, it doesn't have the glamour of the seminars and presentations, the libraries and the college life. For the other side, as soon as I'm done with my shift, I don't have to do anything anymore. I don't have to read, I don't have to write, I don't have to check my email and stay up just to finish organizing my notations from the library. It's... terribly simple.
People are homofobic, sexist and racist where I work. They watch soap operas and are all extremely religious. They think I'm crazy because I walk with a book and don't have a boyfriend - oh, mostly, they think i'm crazy 'cause I write in english, they did a youtube video about it. The worst of it: they're not bad people. They're not... they're just... ignorant. They think slut and fag are just words. My boss actually said me that pagans, homosexuals and potheads are all the same, 'cause they all have pact with Satan - he's so completely ignorant it's sometimes impossible to believe.
they're very different from the people i used to know.
The worst part is, I don't care. I don't care about them. I don't care about this job. I don't care if I'm doing okay or if I'm doing bad. I'm a salesgirl. I don't fucking care. It's... freedom may be a word for it. Suicidal may be other one - i really hope not.
I try to be charming with all my costumers. They keep asking me if I'm married, and everyone gets scared when I say I'm not. I'm 22. They expect me to be married.
Older guys keep hitting on me and they remind me of my father in the worst way possible.
Super positive part: I'm going out everyday. Every. fucking. day. I get dressed up, I do my make up, I smile, I talk to people - this would be impossible a while ago. So, I'm better. I'm way better. I laugh. I flirt. I only had a minor breakdown yesterday. It's better. I'm productive, and I get money out of it, and I see people, and that's what it's all about, right? Being... normal.
My mom keeps hiding my books so I don't "think too much about things." She loves me. She wants me to forget. To let things go. I'm trying to turn my brain off, because that's the path to being normal, and sometimes I feel like screaming and hitting everyone, and saying I would rather be crazy and sick than being normal and a fuck ignorant shithead that can't even say the word "philosophy" right. But I'm wrong, and thinking like this only hurts me and my family. I have to be... good.
TL;DR:
Fuck, this is a good news letter, people. Today my internet is back and I'm doing better. I won't be on too much 'cause now I got a full time job, but I'll be on more.
Thank you for all your messages!
