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How I love you natural <3

Existential

I feel suffocated wherever I am. the world feels like a large playground, or terrarium.

I was walking on the pavement earlier, and felt this wonder at the solid feeling. how my feet are meeting solidity. almost felt like that awareness could make me start stepping on air. if I looked down with a certain mind-perspective, my vision became rounded, globular, as if I could access the visual information before it's translated in the brain.

I imagine a world without human constructs, wondering if it would feel less 'oppressive.' but I found it would make no difference. the indifference of nature and the universe would persist.

I am simply an organism, one who is the sum of many parts that work together. and in each moment, a part of me has become different. in each moment, I die, because I will never have that again. never be that person again.

so when someone asks me what I'll be doing this summer, all I can think of is how I could plan a hundred things, but still never escape the suffocation.

I think about my true love arriving, and then I wonder if even that would change a thing. I think about things we might do, conversations we might have, and it all still feels so... empty.

I get thoughts about killing myself, but even that feels pointless.

I think about it in the breeze, walking up the hill. birds chirping, leaves rustling, and I'm begging to hear the snapping line against the flagpole because it's the only sound that soothes.

I think about it on the breeze, my steps slow. this nature that I love that still feels empty. feeling wonder at gravity. wondering if anyone would know this moment. if anyone would see a young woman with long dark hair, black coat, ripped tights, and see the cinema in it. if they would see me as a memory then, in this moment. drifting through their mind, invoked by an orange blossom. would they know? not an actual person. but would anyone see this image of me as I see it, even when I'm standing alone as I am?

#mine #existential #thoughts #poetic #last spring