Crybaby

Felicia :: Fae, Eli, Lisya

[belladonnas-thirst]

About Me

Kind of lost. Might drop out of school. Love Alice in Wonderland. My AO3 profile: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jane_died/works

[belladonnas-thirst]

she is always there for me. my heart ❤️

[belladonnas-thirst]

I get so hurt by such silly things

[belladonnas-thirst]

Still convinced someone stole my butterfly brooch... replaced it with an owl, but it is just not the same :/

[belladonnas-thirst]

[belladonnas-thirst]

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💔aching

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[belladonnas-thirst]

Existential

I feel suffocated wherever I am. the world feels like a large playground, or terrarium.

I was walking on the pavement earlier, and felt this wonder at the solid feeling. how my feet are meeting solidity. almost felt like that awareness could make me start stepping on air. if I looked down with a certain mind-perspective, my vision became rounded, globular, as if I could access the visual information before it's translated in the brain.

I imagine a world without human constructs, wondering if it would feel less 'oppressive.' but I found it would make no difference. the indifference of nature and the universe would persist.

I am simply an organism, one who is the sum of many parts that work together. and in each moment, a part of me has become different. in each moment, I die, because I will never have that again. never be that person again.

so when someone asks me what I'll be doing this summer, all I can think of is how I could plan a hundred things, but still never escape the suffocation.

I think about my true love arriving, and then I wonder if even that would change a thing. I think about things we might do, conversations we might have, and it all still feels so... empty.

I get thoughts about killing myself, but even that feels pointless.

I think about it in the breeze, walking up the hill. birds chirping, leaves rustling, and I'm begging to hear the snapping line against the flagpole because it's the only sound that soothes.

I think about it on the breeze, my steps slow. this nature that I love that still feels empty. feeling wonder at gravity. wondering if anyone would know this moment. if anyone would see a young woman with long dark hair, black coat, ripped tights, and see the cinema in it. if they would see me as a memory then, in this moment. drifting through their mind, invoked by an orange blossom. would they know? not an actual person. but would anyone see this image of me as I see it, even when I'm standing alone as I am?

[belladonnas-thirst]

when feet look like paws

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music box without ballerina

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I could stop eating, but still live forever anyway. wishing to transcend human limitations (or not a wish, more like a conviction that I actually can survive without food). I still feel energetic, perhaps even more so.

[belladonnas-thirst]

So, I watched the movie Angel's Egg, and I ended up feeling disturbed and nauseated.

The man destroyed the girl's egg, and the movie did not allow her to confront him. No, she just had to die from falling into a chasm chasing after him.

The girl was getting on fine before him. And now, she's dead, and he feels nothing.

The entire movie reeks of misogyny. The indifferent man who just HAS to destroy something precious and life-giving. And the narrative frames him as the righteous one.

It feels like the girl's character was not respected.

Like, why the fuck is the last shot of her as a statue, while the man looks up at her?? Why does she not get room to speak? Why does he get to keep on living, while she doesn't?

And it's absolutely frustrating that the movie's creator remains oblivious to this message, thinking he chose a girl character because he just wanted something different for a change.

Also, viewers seem to miss this misogyny entirely, focusing on imperialism, colonialism, and some even defending the man for 'waking her up' from a fruitless faith, making arguments regarding faith and philosophy (plato's cave).

If it were simply just an exploration about shattering faith, then why is it the adult male character who shatters the faith of a child female character with a phallic object?

And if the shattering is supposedly 'necessary' for her to grow up and become a woman, then why does she die from it? And the statue she 'becomes' still shows her in her girl-form.

Is the message, then, "do not let men near you, for they will destroy all things precious to you," or is it, "a man must shatter you for you to become a woman, but becoming a woman kills you (and you must let it)"?

[belladonnas-thirst]

did a ritual, guess what happened...

[belladonnas-thirst]

To me, 'obscene' is a woman's cut-off leg in a ditch, still in fishnet and heels.

"I thought I were a bunny, but I was wrong. There's no pure bone in my body. Feeling obscene in thinking that I am pure, that is my lot. I am a woman with loose morals. A burdensome creature. Nothing to do about it. To call me pure now would be like waving a white-feathered fan on a fallen one. I'm a bad girl, but I don't know what I did wrong. Perhaps I was made wrong. I belong here, among sulphur and rot. I'm low, bound to the ground, always looking up to whimper at the face of a deaf god. I will buy bread at the market, for an empty apartment. I will go to church, in black pantyhose. I will take pills, as they please me. Anyone could take me anywhere, and I would think nothing of it. They could leave me in a tepid puddle, and it would be all the same."

"It's okay, I just have to recalibrate your image of me. I thought I would be your bunny, but I am your pin-doll soaked in cum and blood. A gash. I can romanticize that, too. You can grind me into a pulp as much as you want. I can be vulgar. Do you want me to be pure so you can call me 'obscene', or do you want me to be vulgar so you can call me 'pure'?"

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I sometimes swap out words.

I want to say: "Take your pills regularly" but it comes out as "Take your pills honestly."

"I love myself" becomes "I have myself."

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My parents ask what to eat for dinner.

Lost souls, moondust, silence, clock hands... maybe risotto, if you know how to make risotto... or paella, with shrimp...

I would like to touch time, too.

I would like to skip stones on a still lake.