El is still not quite used to living without Hopper. He was the only person she saw in person for almost a year, and suddenly he’s gone from her life. There is a place inside her that feels empty. It is no longer throbbing or crippling her with pain like a fresh wound. It’s not quite numb like an old wound that’s closed over, either. It’s in that middle stage, the one they have told her may hurt worse before it gets better.
She wonders if it will ever get better.
This is nothing against Joyce, Will, or Jonathan. They’re all wonderful in their own ways, and she’d die or kill for every single one of them. They feel like a real family- not that she hadn’t felt the same with Hopper, but she has siblings and a mom who love her and give her things that Hopper never could when they were still in his cabin.
But it’s still different people in a different house in a different state. Her boyfriend and best friends aren’t nearby, and the people here feel strange and cruel. Some of them feel more like they belonged in the lab than out in the real world.
She knows that Joyce is in pain, too, and she does not want to make her feel guiltier than she already does. El is worried that if she says anything, she might open the wounds that Joyce feels inside. That would be cruel. So she keeps things inside, tucked away with all of the other horrible memories that she has not told other people about. Maybe that is why the wounds do not heal. The memories stab her more the closer she holds them to her chest.
Tonight, the memories and pain do not let her sleep.
She silently makes her way towards the kitchen to grab a cup of water, but Joyce is already there. El tries to remain quiet as she backs out, but she ends up knocking over something on the counter. Thankfully it does not break, but it does give away her presence. El freezes in place, unsure if she should apologize or pretend like it didn’t happen. (Mike and Lucas are much better at the pretending. Dustin talks too much, and Will’s face is “too honest,” according to Hopper. El wonders if her face is too honest, too.)
“Sorry,” El eventually manages. She knows it is fine, but she can’t help but feel like she is in trouble for disturbing Joyce. (She tries very hard to remind herself that Joyce is not Papa, but it doesn’t always work).
