I know it's only been about 7 hours since I last posted, but I'd like to thank everyone for the outpouring of support I've gotten so far. you guys rock, and I am so, SO sorry that I can't seem to work up the motivation to write right now.
in truth, there are a couple of other reasons my fandom motivation has been low.
first off, one of the things I've heard people were roasting me about was an idea I brainstormed in a small, private discord server, that I haven't even come close to implementing yet. I feel this is not only very bad faith, as there's no way to know how I'd execute the idea based only on my discord messages, but also a complete violation of the privacy I expected in an invite-only group like that.
second, in another, larger discord, I've been accused of making assertions I was nowhere close to making. it seems like so much of what I say and write is taken in the worst possible way, and that's not a fun thing to deal with.
it crushes me to know that the people I thought I was on good terms with are so two-faced. it makes the entire fandom environment seem unwelcoming, even though so many of you are truly so great. but if I can't so much as spitball ideas on discord without getting shit for it, let alone write my actual fic, why try?
I dunno. I don't WANT to abandon all the progress I've made. it seems so silly and stupid to let all this affect me even a little bit. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong-willed person who doesn't give a shit about fandom drama, because it truly is so petty and I have actual problems to worry about. but it's because of those actual problems that I just don't have the energy to deal with stupid fandom problems as well.
once again, thank you all for hearing me out and offering condolences. it makes me feel less alone and less crazy. seriously, it means so much to me to know that people are in my corner even if some aren't. I'm so sorry for bringing this drama to your dash. I hope soon I'll be able to snap out of it, but for now, your kind words keep me going. thanks from the bottom of my heart.