Curiosity Killed My Appetite
Game: Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy XV
Characters: Sora, Kairi, Riku, Lea, Vanitas, Iris
Pairing: none
Rating: Teen
Author: The Usual Spot Cafe
Word Count: 880
Notes: A literal question I thought of one day and I just thought it would be hilarious if the Destiny trio had a convo about it.
Riku blinked slowly across the table at his two friends as they all tiredly ate their breakfasts. He definitely had not wanted to take an eight AM class on a Monday morning, but her he was, 7:30 AM, chewing on a bagel in The Usual Spot and watching as Sora tried not to fall asleep on Kairi’s shoulder. Kairi was staring at her donut intently and Riku was just wondering what she was thinking about when the redhead spoke up. “Would dating a vampire be considered necrophilia?”
Riku legitimately choked on his bagel, “What?” He stared incredulously at his best friend as Sora also looked up at her, looking much more awake than he had a moment ago.
“Is it considered necrophilia to date a vampire? If vampires were real of course.” In all the vampire novels Riku had read with these two (whether to make fun of them or actually enjoy them), never had he considered the mortal dating the undead character could possibly be considered a necrophile. It literally made him nauseous to think about.
“Do we really have to have these types of discussions when I’m trying to eat breakfast?” This wasn’t the first time the other two had brought up gross topics during breakfast, they actually had quite the habit of doing just that.
Sora grinned, “We’re curious people, Riku, you can’t just stop the thoughts from coming.”
Kairi nodded, “I personally think it comes down to whether people consider vampires dead or not.”
“Technically vampires are undead, not dead, so, yeah,” Riku looked up at Lea’s voice, receiving a kiss on the cheek from his boyfriend before the redhead sat next to him at the table.
Kairi nodded for a moment, stopping when Sora spoke up, “But so are zombies.” Riku gagged on his coffee at the thought of someone wanting a relationship with a shambling corpse.
Kairi groaned, “And being with an undead person could still count as necrophilia since, you know, their heart doesn’t beat.”
Lea rubbed his back gently, but continued taking part in Sora and Kairi’s disgusting conversation, “So even an undead person is technically dead.”
Sora hummed in thought for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip, “Imma ask Vanni. He reads a bunch of vampire novels.”
Riku rolled his eyes, “Ok first off, we read vampire novels too, and second, that does not make him the foremost expert on what the difference between dead and undead is and if a relationship with an undead person is necrophilia.”
Sora shrugged, “It’s our best option, Reeks.” He got up and stalked over to where Vanitas and Iris were sitting drinking their coffee and talking. “Hey, Van!” Vanitas looked up with a sigh, knowing Sora was probably having one of those weird morning discussions when he looked and saw Kairi, Riku, and Lea all standing behind his younger brother.
“What?”
“Would dating a vampire be considered necrophilia?”
Vanitas’s golden eyes widened, staring at the other brunet like he was crazy, but Iris grinned. “Well, medically they’re dead, so yes, it is necrophilia, but by philosophical standards, they are alive, so actually it’s not.” Everyone looked at her in shock as she rattled off an answer and she blushed at the stares. “I was around Ignis a lot. I asked him all sorts of weird questions as a kid and he always found an answer for me.”
Sora looked absolutely flabbergasted for a moment before he crossed his arms over his chest, pouting a little, “I never thought of asking Ignis.”
Iris giggled, “Really? Prompto and I annoy him with that type of thing all the time.”
Vanitas nodded, “Oh yeah, I ask him shit too. He’s got loads of random knowledge rattling around up there in that head of his.”
Kairi just nodded, looking mildly impressed, “Note to self, talk to Ignis more.”
Sora just continued pouting, “Now I feel like a bad cousin, not even knowing my cousin’s boyfriend’s level of trivial knowledge.”
Iris shrugged, “To be fair, he only is used to weird questions like that because I broke him down many, many years ago.”
Vanitas looked at her in horror as she casually stated that she basically broke someone’s will power, “Why?”
Iris shrugged again, making an ‘I don’t know’ sound, “What can I say? I’m a curious bean.”
Riku sighed, “Okay, are we done here then? You got your gross answer, let’s get to class!”
Sora and Kairi nodded, turning to go before Kairi suddenly turned sharply and grabbed Iris’s shoulder, “Wait! What about zombies?”
Iris sneered, “Oh, totally undead. Walking corpses definitely would qualify as necrophilia to me.”
Kairi just grinned, “Ok, thanks Iri!”
Iris smiled at her, waving as they left the café, “You’re welcome!”
Riku shook his head with a groan, “Why can’t I ever eat a bagel in peace with you two?”
Sora grinned, “Because when we were six, you threw us into the sea and told us we were all best friends?” Riku just groaned as Sora wrapped his arm around his shoulders, dragging Riku down to his level, “You love us.” Riku just rolled his eyes, but smiled at the two of them, knowing he couldn’t live without them even if they made it so he could never eat a full breakfast.
















