49. "Well this is awkward..."
why do I like writing these sort of things? Samahl and Leavin Hawke
Leavin was staring into the darkness with wide, blinded eyes. Quick shivers run through her body, she tried to take deep and steady breaths, but instead she inhaled the air quickly, with a shaking sigh leaving her lips. That was when she heard the soft steps behind her. She turned around to see where the sound came from and spotted the elf. Naturally… the Inquisitor is here…She turned back quickly and wiped her eyes and cheeks, doing her best to compose herself.
“Well… this is awkward.” she tried to speak in a bittersweet, sarcastic tone, but her shaky voice betrayed her. “The Champion of Kirkwall has come to drown the enemy in her tears!” The Inquisitor gave a short and quite warm laugh, then stepped closer to her.
“There’s nothing wrong with tears.” he told her. Hawke could hear how he was smiling just by the tone of his voice. He climbed up to the top of the wall, and sat down next to her. “Tears can mean a lot of things. They can be of sadness, pain, fear…” he glanced over to her and smiled again. “Joy.”
They sat there for a few seconds, staring at the dark depth under their feet, but for Hawke it felt like at least ten minutes. Ten long, awkward minutes.
“Tears are good…” the elf finally broke the silence, half of him still lost in his thoughts.
“Right…” the woman huffed, not even slightly amused by the statement.
“No, truly!” the Inquisitor said quickly. “For once, it means that you have a heart capable of feeling, which is certainly useful. But also tears… they are just a way we try to heal ourselves.”
“Well, the only thing these tears are doing to me is keeping me from enjoying the sight of total blackness.” The Inquisitor chuckled slightly at her remark. Then they fell silent once again, but this time the silence didn’t last very long.
“Who are you thinking about?” the elf asked in a soft voice.Hawke sighed heavily and looked down at her thighs. She was thinking about way too many people, and not the ones she should have. Aveline back in Kirkwall. Oh, she must have been furious. Hawke was half surprised that she hadn’t shown up yet at Skyhold’s gates, just to hit her in the head with something heavy. She thought about Fenris. She tried really hard to avoid thinking about him, but it was impossible. And every time her thoughts found their way to her lover, she felt this terrible emptiness. Like the one under her dangling feet. This was one of the most annoying part… She felt like this void should have been filled with guilt, pain, with SOMETHING. Anything. But when she thought about Fenris, it was like someone simply cut the flow of her emotions.
She also thought about Bethany a lot. About all the things she had been through. About all the things she had lost. The things that they both had lost. A brother. A mother. Her old friends, guilt and pain had returned to her as soon as she reached these thoughts.
“I’m thinking about everyone who matters to me.” she finally answered. “But not the one who should matter the most.” Samahl’s elven eyes searched her face, he thought about what to say only for a moment.
“I don’t know what you’re afraid of…” he said in quiet voice. “But we’re all afraid here.”
“Oh, but don’t you remember?” Hawke quipped. “I am the mighty Champion. I can take a qunari invasion for breakfast. Rampaging demons in the city? Easy. Killing Corypheus in every few years? Sure.” her voice got angrier as she spoke. “Put me in the middle of a darkspawn horde and I will survive somehow. But this… This I can’t take.” she took a tense, heavy breath as she stopped talking, and just stared at the darkness again, then the words left her lips like a sigh, barely even a whisper. “What must he think of me?”
“He?” Samahl turned to face her. “Do you mean, um… the one you love?”
“The one I love…” Hawke chorused, tasting the words like they were the most horrible things that a tongue could say. “I left him with a fucking infant.”
She regretted her words immediately. But it was too late. They left her lips and there was no way to get them back. Why did she say anything? Why didn’t she just stick to her old plan to keep her mouth shut and ignore her problems as long as possible? Now the Inquisitor’s head must have been filled with questions. He might even ask them. He might keep his opinion and share it with his companions. He might lecture her on something. Or worse… he might do the same thing as she did, and pretend that nothing ever happened. But the mighty Inquisitor did none of those things. As soon as he realized what Leavin had said, he pulled her in a tender, almost loving embrace.
Leavin was sort of shocked. All kinds of emotions were racing through her mind, and she could feel tears threatening to flood her eyes again.
“Is it a girl or a boy?” the elf asked. “Girl.” Hawke finally managed to say. “What’s her name?” “Sandra.” “Do you miss her?” “I don’t know.” Hawke replied in a fading voice, and she was certain that she wouldn’t be able to utter another word.
They sat there in the wall like this for a few minutes, without saying anything, the Inquisitor silently comforting the Champion of Kirkwall. When Leavin’s raging emotions have calmed down a bit, Samahl told her in careful whispers:
“Be afraid. For a while at least. Take your time. Then go back and prove that you can defeat even yourself.”
