The best apology is changed behavior and Im tired of hearing sorry and I’m tired of saying sorry.
I’ve changed, no I’ve GROWN in ways you could never imagine.
You’ve changed & grown but in all the different ways I’ve grown.
It’s going on 5 years since we’ve been broken up and I’m still bending over backwards, stuck in some fucked up middle ground and you’re still resentful as ever.
I release it. All of it.
You’re not meant for me, I release you.
I release any and everything I made up in my head about you, us.
I’ll love you probably till the day I die, I’ll love you even when we’re in relationships but I release you and it will be ok- I will be ok.
So I finally finished watching The Office! Yes, it’s true from beginning to end. I wanted to stop and switch to something else a couple of times after Michael Scott leaves but I stuck it through because as much as people tell you to never tie movies, music, places, etc. to people it’s almost impossible especially you.
I started the series with you in 2012, watching while we got high half dressed in your room disguising the smoke smell or in my room when no one was home. We laughed and bonded over the episode Date Night so many times often times with dominoes and a 2-liter of coke - those were my favorite nights.
I’m pretty sure I didn’t want to watch after Michael left and you just wanted to make me happy so we never bothered watching the last two seasons together.
In early 2019 after we called it quits I started dating this guy who also really loved the office and we bonded over quoting random lines in real life. At first it wasn’t a big deal but one particular day I was feeling emotional and told him it was making me sad and i’m not in the mood for the random lines today. Of course he asked why and I told him that show holds a special place in my heart and that I had discovered and fallen in love with the show with someone; his literal response was “OH GEEEEZ” I wish I stopped seeing him after that but ya girl was looking for validation in all the wrong places so I took more of that treatment for a good month and a half.
Anyway- finishing the series and seeing Michael Scott get his happy ending with Holly and his two kids just made my heart explode and there’s no one else I wanted to talk to about it with. NO ONE. I’m only writing this because as I was watching the last few episodes I made a huge correlation obviously between me & you as well as the last two seasons of The Office.
When we broke up I couldn’t imagine finishing the series without you so I never did. I always thought we would watch together naturally when the time was right (again, just expecting things to work out -a theme of mine) and when that didn’t happen - meaning putting me in another third party situation, lying, gaslighting, and let’s not forget the emotional and sometimes physical abuse that I allowed
…
I finally wanted to kind of ‘take back the series’. So I started watching from season one and considering it’s not on Netflix anymore I hadn’t seen it in awhile and was nice knowing I was going to watch until the end not just when Holly gets back to Scranton. Seeing how the show was closing out and how everyone was moving on and was starting new lives made me bawl. It felt symbolic to finally watch the ending of one of my favorite shows in the entire universe and not be speaking to one of my favorite people on earth felt so disappointing and I felt a little cheated out of an experience. I know it sounds weird to have such an emotional tie to a show but I hope this made sense and don’t ever sell your pretzel day pops!!
That show is magic and thank you for the memories of you with that show. Hope you’re well.
& i’m not quite sure what it means nor am I really trying to analyze it, I think I understand the jist of it.
We were actually around your neighborhood and you had a backpack (all your baggage you’re carrying around) and I was alone, I think but also feel like I was talking to someone walking along side with me I just can’t picture their face. We were on opposite ends of the street so we walked by each other but neither one of us spoke to each other but we did make eye contact. As i’m writing this I remember just looking up at you and I think we were both crying but we never said a word i’m not even sure if we were holding each other or not. These dreams always feel so real it’s actually pretty shocking to wake up and realize it was all a dream.
I know you’re watch this blog because you accidentally followed me and I know you’re still watching the last few videos I have posted. I am allowing you to have access to me through screens never in real life again. I just can’t. I used to pray for you to try to come back in my life but regardless of relationship status you stopped being good to me and for me in 2016. Looking back I know I was an immature spoiled brat who was not quite in touch with reality and knew nothing of how a good functioning relationship should be, I very much enjoyed the games and the chase I can admit that to myself and you.
For whatever it’s worth i’m sorry. truly.
I doubt I will ever hear those words coming from you but it’s ok, I used to really need it and want to hear it but I don’t believe anything you have to say anymore, plus you’re really not sorry. You would’ve reached out months ago if you really were. You wouldn’t have made a mockery of a sincere email, but again shows your true colors more than it does mine.
Anthony finally came home yesterday after 5 months and 3 days of not seeing him but he’s grown mentally and couldn’t be prouder.
Yesterday was also my first day of taking paying clients at work. 6 days of intense training and I am beyond excited to be back on the Westside, making great money, and doing what I love. I’ve blocked L. out but it’s funny the way that works because I remember waking up and saying “what the fuck” I had a dream about him and it felt so real! I remember hugging him and smelling him standing on my tippy toes and running my hands through his hair. Typing this even brings tears to my eyes, and i’m not sure why. I hate him but I still have love for him so it’s this weird complex middle ground. It was weirder because it was like present day. I was going to work and it was my first day and you offered to take me and that’s why I hugged you.
HOWEVER; I know you’re not who or what I need. it’s like you lost yourself in the hurt and didn’t know how to crawl out of it. I often think that I had the right “coping mechanisms” because I spent time in a psych ward and had on & off gone to therapy as a teenager but my mechanisms were just as bad just more so about self-medicating and escaping; his were much more deeply rooted in not feeling unconditional love from the people he’s supposed to and he used people to feel that. I think he made his mark on people like exposing them to music, movies, anime, etc. but also made his mark in a different way, exposing them to a kind of hurt no one else had quite done before. The last straw & how I knew he was much more broken than I had ever believed is when he went back to the person who broke him, instilled so much self doubt, and indeed did ruin him for anyone else. I will always cherish the memories we made the pleasant and not so pleasant ones but he doesn’t love himself, his demons are winning in fact thriving by his side. Despite everything I wish him the best, I wish him peace and love even if it’s not with me. I don’t think i’ll ever receive an apology or any type of closure but as time moves on and I continue to grow and succeed it will become less and less important.
an actual e-mail I sent; of course no response. it’s only to be expected from someone like him.
in order to keep the privacy of others some names have been redacted
L**o,
The amount of times i've listened to you complain, yell, cry about this girl I can't even count. A few days after your birthday (2020) from a different number I texted you "happy birthday - from the girl that ruined you" and you knew exactly who i meant and it pissed you off and started another huge fight. I felt like I needed to reach you and that was the only way I knew how (SICK I KNOW, that’s where I was mentally.) This girl lied, cheated, manipulated you and took away your self worth only months before I met you in 2012. Only years later would I find out only half of what she did to you while she was away in college. I am absolutely stunned that you would go back or give her the time of day to someone who abused you physically, mentally, and of course lets not forget emotionally. It makes me think that you and your meal ticket are over, you don't' have me anymore - can you really not be alone by yourself?? I remember when she hit you up "to grab a beer" a couple of years ago and you told her to fuck off- what's changed? You need someone that badly?
You'd rather go back to someone who did in fact ruin you rather than talk to me about everything we have gone through in the last year, at least an apology. I don't expect anything to go back to "normal" but if we had a conversation to help me understand I would never bother you again; the way she continues to pop back in your life regardless if she moves out of state or is dating someone married in the army or whatever she did.
It makes me sad that you're so willing to accept any kind of love or treatment because you're scared- idk of what but I know you are. I know I loved you and I really thought we were getting it right towards the end of 2019 & it's why the whole meal ticket situation hurt so bad. Has it taken you 8 years to forgive her, or do you not want to be alone? Will it take you 8 years to speak to me again?Why will you talk and eat pizza with her but can't be bothered with me- someone who you actually loved not just put up with?
...
I suppose you need the chaos and the hell of it all to feel something huh.
You should have stayed away, we should’ve communicated more about our expectations of each other. No matter what you promise tho it’s not your nature to be who you used to be and we talked in depth about it.
As much as it hurt- i’m glad, not glad, i’m okay that you came back into my life even if it was for a month trial because you showed me no matter what i can never love you into loving me.
i fucked up a long time ago when I wasn’t ready to grow, or love, or be a partner. It’s one of my biggest regrets because i bruised such a sweet boy that has turned ripe with bitterness. & i didn’t allow myself to be with you the way i wanted to present day.
Wednesday or Thursday we admitted a lot of things to each other - things we had been denying to ourselves, things we hadn’t said out loud. Then you said you were gonna drive out of town, i texted you last night to see where you ended up and still haven’t gotten a response. that’s ok i just hope you’re ok.
it’s crazy to believe we talked about Captain Marvel like we knew we were gonna see the movie together. I bought us tickets but you couldn’t even be bothered with checking up to see how everything was considering it had been 24 hours since we had spoken. so i got a refund and lost $4 cuz i couldn’t get the ‘convenience fee’ back.
it’s fine tho.
I’m not sure if this even makes any sense but i feel like i’m living in my head and i need to get these thoughts out of my head and get you out of my system.
i’ve lived without you before, i’ve made myself warm without the help of your hugs or body warmth. it truly is the end of an era, change is good.
i’ll always love you potato and if youre reading this i hope you reach out to me.
