lemony/ernest lawyers AU but it’s actually an esme jerome divorce fic where both sides are fighting for the penthouse. ernest is esme’s lawyer (came recommended by esme’s on-and-off friends-with-benefits georgina, once successfully negotiated a large sum of compensation from olaf who “accidentally” almost drowned georgina, though this negotiation didn’t happen in court like his regular cases, he did a personal favor for georgina and persuaded olaf to agree to the sum for georgina not to press any charges), and lemony is jerome’s lawyer (came recommended by jerome’s friend jacques who, unknown to jerome, has certain interest in keeping the penthouse in jerome’s hands which he can access. jacques tells jerome that his brother lemony is a lawyer, and jerome, after meeting the clever, sharp-tongued, excelling-at-word-games lemony, does not doubt jacques - although it must be said that jerome in general does not doubt jacques)
(ernest is an experienced lawyer and lemony snicket is, well, not actually a lawyer.)
for the fic commentary, anything about double edged, but this part in particular is my favorite – “I’m a treasonous deserter, my defining quality is that I betray my blood and station. Uncertainty is my very essence. I have no side. According to everyone I could turn at any time. I could be a different person, or even be a different person! Who, exactly, is left to trust me?”
(Pick a passage or comic chapter of mine for commentary)
Oh boy! This was a very fun section to write. villainous melodrama! It's nearly too much but E is a very dramatic soul with an overdramatic inner monologue and L lampshades it immediately so its good and funny and allowed and also totally sincere as well.
In a nice reflection of the previous commentary, you have picked out the other edge of the double edged manoeuvre! It cuts both ways, you see. After finally making an overt move on Lemony, Ernest is thrown off guard by Lem saying something that genuinely surprises him - and falters as a result, which he did not plan to be seen to be doing.
Ernest slumped back away from him and laughed. Actually laughed. Lemony wasn’t sure what was funny but took careful note for later analysis. He’d not heard the man falter before.
Also, Lemony doesn't initially understand this reaction, and that's another way he knows it's important. He thought he understood better than that. Ernest also thought Lemony understood better than that, and is actually more hurt than surprised that he apparently doesn't, which he kind of says outright shortly after.
Anyway. This little speech. It reference in pattern a quote from Boethius's The Consolation Of Philosophy, not as close as to be a direct pull, but closely enough to be something Ernest clearly knows and has thought about. I'm pretty sure that in a future chapter he will perform it in full, but just in case, it goes:
"It is my belief that history is a wheel. 'Inconstancy is my very essence,' says the wheel. Rise up on my spokes if you like, but don't complain when you are cast back down into the depths. Good times pass away, but then so do the bad. Mutability is our tragedy, but it is also our hope. The worst of time, like the best, are always passing away."
This is only partially relevant to Ernest's point. It is also not a true translation, it is a version popularised by being often said by Tony Wilson, the legendary owner of the Factory Records label, which was then further popularised by Chris Eccleston speaking it in the film about the life of Tony Wilson. This fourth-handed self-mythologising kind of nonsense is perfect for Ernest. He would insist that if a truth is self-evident or a concept is clear then the method of communicating it, even falsehoods, don't matter. Much like Tony Wilson might say. Or Melvil Dui, arguing about spelling.
The point is. Ernest is defined by the fact that he betrayed, and continues to betray, his family (his blood) and misuses his un-fire-able position in the organisation (his station) to betray that organisation. Nomatter what the truth actually is, the image of Ernest and the role he plays now is someone who will turn. The Volunteers can't trust him because of his actions. And the Firestarters can't trust him because of his family. When talking to him, there's every chance he could be a different person - you are actually talking to his brother - or even be a different person - he has changed in himself significantly enough to not condone you any more.
The reason he gets so bitter and performative about it is that this image of himself is a role he is now forced to play for survival. What started as a bid for his own opinions has turned into a similarly empty role.
That… was closer to the melodramatic villainous monologue he’d been waiting for. Lemony gathered his fuzzy nerves and prepared to ask the question, the real question, the one that hid behind all the others. It seemed unlikely he would ever get another chance.
“So why do it? Why do you keep this up?”
Ernest became placid again, and fiddled with his sleeve, rolling it back into place. For the longest time Lemony thought he wasn’t going to answer. When he did speak, he sounded clipped and strange.
“Some things are more important than personal gain. I’d have thought, of all people, you would definitely understand that.”
He justifies it as self-sacrifice. His own role is irrelevant. He justifies it as a noble, unselfish act, with mysterious parameters that we don't quite know yet. And this, most crucially of all, directly contradicts Lemony's earlier reasoning -
under the circumstances it just seemed too... selfish. Surely that kind of selfishness was what marked out the enemy in the first place. It was their weakness. Not ours.
Over the course of the fic, Ernest has subtly upset a few cornerstones of the logic that Lemony was using to tell himself that things are ok. And thus, captivated him, because there's nothing that draws Lemony more strongly than the idea of a destructive truth that proves himself wrong.
The kicker is that this was not the plan. The plan was only to distract Lemony while he got hold of the macguffin, but a couple of sincere words got out. Not by accident exactly, Ernest is too controlled for that, but in an improvisation that took him by surprise as he realised what he was doing.
anyway shout out to the classic double meaning of 'taking care' of someone
always waiting for the rain to stop (and praying for the other shoe to drop)
The thing is, Ernest doesn't think Beatrice Baudelaire deserves Lemony Snicket.
~2.6k, Lemony Snicket/Ernest Denouement. Beatrice Baudelaire / Lemony Snicket. with a variety of background pairings.
____
It started out as an unconscious thought at first, looming in the back of his brain, swimming in the deep dark seas buried under a million other thoughts. Not immediately obvious, just an indescribable feeling, a mild discomfort that's tolerable. A little like walking into one of the hotel rooms and something has been moved or taken, but you haven't fully noticed it yet, but deep down, a voice whispers, so quietly, hinting that something's wrong.
But then the idea burst through layers of other thoughts, like a seed bursting through the ground. And Ernest thinks, with much more clarity this time, the vague feelings forming into concrete words - "Beatrice Baudelaire doesn't deserve Lemony Snicket".
Beatrice Baudelaire is, according to everyone and probably their pet parrot too, very pretty. She's also popular, clever, resourceful, and mischievous to just the right degree. A little more might make her a bad student in the chaperones' and teachers' eyes, a little less might lead to her being on the boring and not adventurous side. But no, she's perfect, apparently. Well, Esme loathes her, but in a way you can clearly see she's jealous of her.
What she is, though, Ernest thinks, is loud, brash, annoying. Which are all fine, up to a point. You get used to theater kids, in their circle. You have to at least learn to bear with them. The bigger problem is that she's a volunteer, and a beloved one, a popular one, an excellent one - which means she carries all that baggage too, all the sins of the volunteers, of VFD. Hypocritical, condescending, and committing crimes for VFD because apparently VFD knows best, that this is all for some greater, more important goal. She's an excellent volunteer, which in practice, in reality, means she's a murderer and a thief and a kidnapper. Her hands do not shake when she aims a poison dart at the parents of a longtime friend.
i was vaguely plotting a lemzest fic in my head (temporarily titled strip spying but i’m not very satisfied) and the summary was going to be. something like this
“how about this - for every piece of information you reveal, i will take off a piece of my clothing”
basically some information exchange session where one wants to share certain information with the other hoping he’ll do something about it but also their loyalties are both ambiguous bc yes E knows L disapproves of vfd and rebels a lot but to him L is still part of vfd and he doesn’t know how much he can trust him, and L knows that E is technically vfd’s enemy even if L himself has opinions on how vfd handles things and it’s not like he likes any of E’s associates either. so they don’t exactly trust each other so it’s all a complicated back and forth conversation trying to decide how much information to share, and what to offer in exchange for any information shared, etc
and then one of them - i think it’s E - says this. “how about this - for every piece of information you reveal, i will take off a piece of my clothing”
ive never been into the fake dating trope. at least like. not the typical kind i guess? like i’d love to read two people who don’t actually have any non platonic feelings / attraction towards each other fake date and things don’t develop into more. it can be friends or they can actually active dislike each other or whatever. the kind of dislike that doesn’t turn into sexual tension. idk i just think it’s fun. what i’m getting at is i’m thinking of another variant of sorts …. two people who went on some mission that required them to pretend to be a couple and nothing ever developed because they both had other people they’re interested in or were just preoccupied with other stuff at that time. years later - and i mean like, decades later, they had a chance to revisit that place where they went on a mission again, or even just maybe got into a situation that reminded them of something that happened back then, nostalgia etc, and they got to talking and then things start Happening. i like romance between middle age people …………… anyway! lemony and ernest, pre-canon to post-canon
one of the scenes in tpp we know is ernest not frank is the scene with klaus, where a manager showed up to tell sir and charles that they need to vacate the sauna. ernest's appearance being associated with room 613, the sauna room, has long been read in the fandom as one of the strong arguments that he's gay coded.
in the same scene, he also mentioned room 786.
“We do have a concertina available in Room 786, if you're interested in musical instruments. I'm sorry to interrupt your afternoon, but I'm afraid I must ask all guests to vacate the sauna. A situation has arisen that requires the use of this room. If you are interested in steam, there's quite a bit of it in Room-”
and we know, as klaus's internal thoughts pointed out earlier, that concertina is a kind of accordion. which means in the same scene where he's associated with the scene of sir and charles in sauna, one of the other rooms he happened to talk about is a room that has an accordion available. an accordion, an instrument we all know is associated with lemony snicket. in this essay i will
the thing is that pre-canon lemony/ernest and post-canon lemony/ernest have two very different vibes in my mind and that’s very unique to the two of them because this doesn’t apply to most other pairings because most people are dead post-canon in this essay i will
In the mirror he could see Ernest stood behind him, tie tucked safely into his vest, sleeves rolled up and a towel slung over one shoulder. He had ushered Lemony to a seat with a headrest, politely remaining in eyeline and not making any surreptitious-looking movements. He had removed his suit jacket and pointed out that, really, you needed to be topless for this, and Lemony had said oh yes, of course, as if this had slipped his mind instead of caused him to hesitate, and taken off his shirt, and nobody had made a fuss about it, and he had actually relaxed, and now Ernest was rubbing something into his neck that smelt... incredible. It smelt of summer.
The manager was obviously skilled, that hadn't been a lie. His palms worked the oil across his flesh with just the right firmness and friction to make his skin tingle. His fingertips pressed confidently into the exact hollows that made him hum with appreciation. He wanted more than anything to drift off and allow himself to be looked after, but Lemony was still playing the game. He had to be. As casually as possible, he watched Ernest's reflection. The man seemed totally absorbed in his work. In fact, Ernest looked more peaceful than he had ever seen him before. The enigmatic smile didn't seem as forced, though still impenetrable. A slight, strange frown of concentration was on his brow. Something ancient stirred in the back of Lemony's mind. He could believe that this was a genuine pleasure for Ernest, no matter what other motives were in play. The attraction of a simple, intimate, uncomplicated, repetitive task. Lemony cleared his throat and summoned a more jovial tone.
Thank you!!! (Pick a passage or comic chapter of mine for commentary)
this ones from Double Edged so, spoilers for that. sorry if its too much and maybe incomprehensible i just wrote everything i thought in a stream
The idea of rival spies in a truce having an unspoken etiquette about making sure the other person can see what they’re doing clearly at all times really amused me and also seemed like a natural progression for people who just, Live Like This all the time. Kind of like the body language animals develop to deliberately signal trust and lack of threat? Like when cats do the long blink or prey animals make a big show of laying down near you. Of course then you have it as a reassuring gesture, and that gesture being false, and I’ve set myself up for the whole rest of the thing to be about successfully and realistically (enough) distracting Lemony without him noticing.
Humans are the animals that do this too, of course. it is the same thing as normal body language just made more pointed. I have Ernest as having complete control over his body language and complete observation of everyone elses, in a Derren Brown type reading/manipulation style.
I like slipping dialogue into the narration here because it cuts out a lot of stuff that’s boring to read and skips a bit of time by having Lemony reflect on things that have just happened. the whole thing is in past tense but this is like, a few minutes further past tense than everything else. Means I can just put the pertinent things. Also it was very important for this bit to happen very fast so that you get his POV sense of being swept along with ‘naturally unfolding’ events. It buries the fact that Ernest now has possession of Lemony’s jacket by making the second half of that sentence much more engaging and interesting looking and easy to move on to - which is exactly what Ernest is doing by saying something distracting as he performs the natural gesture. It’s all about giving the reader the same experience as Lemony, that’s the goal for this one.
Lem is a bit nervous about taking clothes off - which is reasonable, actually - but also he’s a bit precious about it in general because of a lifetime habit of showing skin equalling danger (tattoo) and being vulnerable (without disguise or situation-appropriate clothing). I’m thinking of socks and the symbolic importance of clothes in atwq, the reliance on the disguise kit forever, the scene-appropriate netflix outfits to blend in all the time. That’s whats canon anyway - this all also contributes to my headcanon of trans Lemony, and I made sure to imply top surgery scars in the illustration. Again, vital to remember that its Lem’s POV (even though it’s not in first person), so ‘nobody made a fuss about it’ both tells you his relief that no comment about his body (whether salacious or surprise or mockery) was made and cements that he was nervous in the first place.
Of course Ernest wouldnt say anything, or even visibly react at all. He is a practiced expert of the service industry.
This is also in contrast with Jacques, who has complete confidence in showing skin. Lem feigning absent-mindedness to disguise hesitation feeds into the overall ongoing thing of Lemony trying to be smooth, and I reckon hes’s coping by pulling directly from how he’s seen Jacques act. This whole seductive wiles angle isn’t really Lemony’s scene and his awkward phrasing and justifications in his own thoughts about it reflects this. Pretending to be going along with stuff he can do, but the playful flirty aspect is different and throws him a bit. So its pretty much all from what he knows of J’s playbook. Of course Ernest isn’t fooled by the faux casualness, and Lemony knows he isnt, but its the polite etiquette to go along with face value that makes everyone more comfortable. Lot of that in this fic.
‘and he had actually relaxed’ the word ‘actually’ implying his surprise as he’d been intending to only pretend to relax - same with ‘that hadn’t been a lie’, as in, well *that* at least was true. Lem is double checking literally everything Ernest says. The fact that he is actually a practiced masseuse sells the idea to Lemony that this is not just a ruse to get his top off or whatever. And at the same time reassures the reader that Lem is not actually being a complete idiot - he is constantly suspicious of everything as always, and remains so throughout
It smelt of summer.... I wanted a feeling more than a specific scent. Its how it makes him feel. He can’t pinpoint it exactly because its too evocative. To me, smelling of summer evokes warm spice and mango. Also, the sudden switch from a factual barrage to slow and conceptual is a strong feeling.
The fast pacing and then the sudden slow at the end of the paragraph like a sigh. Like the feeling of being swept along and then being a bit bewildered, bit ‘i can’t beleive this is actually happening’, bit ‘how did i get here’, bit proper relaxing.
Then slow and meandering pacing, to match Ernest’s hands. Palm oil. Flesh Firmness Friction.
Ernest said pointedly earlier that the mirror was for Lemony to watch him, to feel safe. So he is well aware - and is in fact encouraging - that Lemony study his reflection at this point. However, I hope I managed to get a good genuine vibe in here. Ernest enjoys this, and is finding it relaxing. Probably the actual genuine feeling from him is a huge advantage to calming Lemony down, Lem can probably pick up on fakeness very well subconsciously, so the verisimilitude is Ernest’s best weapon. Also, he wants for selfish reasons. He doesn’t get physical contact because of his position, and when he does its not someone that understands why. And Lemony understands him. And he understands Lemony. Better than most on their respective sides do. Lem even acknowledges in his own narration - 'genuine pleasure... no matter what other motives were in play’ - that the truth and the trick are not mutually exclusive. he gets it.
Very intentional focus on enigmatic smile and brow in quick succession, which happens repeated through the story - yes we are invoking Ellington this fic, more quietly at first and then stronger later. A stirring of something ancient, you might say.
And yes, the mind naturally wanders to other simple, intimate, uncomplicated, repetitive tasks and he has to shut that line of thought down immediately, something Lemony gets increasingly worse at doing as the fic goes on. Shoving words like ‘pleasure’ and ‘stirring’ and that technically accurate description together heavily implies Lem’s growing arousal. Just to really spell that out. Just in case. If it’s missed it would be there subliminally enough im sure.
Thanks for asking and a great choice of section, I havent read this commentary back so here it is have it immediately before i remember what i forgot and edit forever
