Lucretia Borgia Reigns in the Vatican in the Absence of Pope Alexander VI
Artist: Frank Cadogan Cowper (English, 1877–1958)
Date: 1908-1914
Medium: Oil paint on canvas
Collection: Tate Britain, London, United Kingdom
Description
This is a re-creation of an obscure and scandalous incident from the history of the Popes. In 1501 the illegitimate daughter of Pope Alexander VI, Lucrezia Borgia, took his place at a meeting. Frank Cowper has invented this suggestive moment in which two noblemen part Lucrezia’s dress so that a Francisan friar can kiss her shoe.The room in the Vatican in which Lucrezia Borgia appeared still exists. It was decorated by the Italian Renaissance artist Pinturrichio. Cowper went there to copy it and painted the faces of the Cardinals from their original portraits.
24.03.24 || Chicago, IL || I spent an absolutely brilliant three days at the Renaissance Society of America's annual conference, seeing old friends and making amazing new ones—including one of my favourite scholars who works on the Medici, who took this picture of me and said I was amazing!
“Nobody wants me, not even myself.” - Gary with Leo snart
(cw: suicidal thoughts. I listened to this a dozen times over so while writing it)
He had absolutely no idea where he was going as he turned around and left the room. His legs were moving his body somewhere away, far away. Gary inhaled, his breath catching in jagged spurts as he ran his hands through his hair. There was a tingling sensation about them, as though he could feel too much and barely a thing all at once.
When his shoulder caught the edge of a doorway, the pain bloomed and added more to everything he was already feeling. His hand moved to the place he’d hit as the tears finally started to drip down his face. Gary tried to breathe, but he could barely do it without hyperventilating. Slowly, he leaned against the wall on the other side of the doorway and sank slowly to the floor.
“You could have helped us the whole time and you did nothing!”
The venom in Zari’s words made him shudder. She was right about it. He should have said something, should have reached out, should have told them the truth. Instead, he kept his lips sealed in shame and it came back to bite him.
“Get out of here! You don’t even do anything anyways!”
Maybe he should just get up and keep walking. Walk until he got to the cargo bay. Open the doors and just go into the awaiting vacuum.
“Will you just leave!”
Gary wasn’t sure who had said it. Ava? John? Behrad? It had been one of them. He couldn’t even recall because his brain had already started spiraling and he couldn’t remember who had said what beyond Zari.
“Gary?”
Leo’s boots were in front of him, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up any further. Gary just wanted to shrink away into nothing. He should be able to handle his shit...all his shit. How pathetic did he look right now?
“Can I sit here with you?”
He bobbed his head forward as the boots became blurry from his tears. There was a shuffling sound of Leo moving to sit down across from him. Gary dared to peek at his face and saw no anger on his features. He was just watching him.
“Nobody wants me,” Gary whispered, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible. “Not even myself.”
There was silence, but then a round of choked sobs decided to slip out. Gary wanted to stop them, only he couldn’t. He just kept hiccupping over and over. The truth had come out and there was no taking it back in. All of the ugliness was out there for Leo and everyone else to see. Probably surprised them with the new low of pathetic he had reached.
A hand closed over the one threaded through his hair. Gary blinked and saw Leo’s arm reached out. There was a stunned expression on his face. No disgust or resentment. Why?
“Is this okay?”
It was although Gary wanted to say no. He didn’t deserve this. This was all his own screw-up. He didn’t deserve this kindness, not after withholding information that could have helped Sara sooner.
His body betrayed him though as he nodded weakly.
The next thing he knew, Leo had pulled him into a hug. After he didn’t let go after a second, another sob escaped Gary’s mouth. Everything hurt and Sara was still missing and he did not deserve this. But he couldn’t stop the instinct to cling back. He didn’t want to, and it made him feel worse somehow.
“Gary,” he heard Leo say once he had calmed down over a few moments. “Gary, I see you’re hurting. I don’t know how much, but I need you to count to three slowly and breathe. Don’t stop doing it until I tell you.”
He nodded and started the process, his thoughts still swirling around inside.
“You might not want to think this now, but you are wanted.”
“N-”
“Don’t. You are wanted.”
Gary squeezed his eyes shut and breathed. “You...you...you don’t have to. I should-”
“Just breathe. We can talk later about it. Right now, I’m worried about my friend.”
It felt like a promise. And as shitty as Gary felt about lying and hiding, there was one small bloom that made him ache more. He was worrying someone and that was causing trouble for them.
“You’re not trouble,” Leo told him before Gary realized he’d spoken aloud. “Just breathe.”
And he did while tears kept slipping down his face.
