There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the man with the invisible Mage Hand is a genuine tickler. 9000%!
If Astarion's not casting Tasha's Hideous Laughter on Tav or the rest of the companions, he's sending that invisible Mage Hand over to make sure the job gets done, the job being – making his victim laugh themselves silly.
How do they know when Astarion's going to saunter over for his nightly "snack"? Well, they'll know when they wake up giggling from a phantom tickle on their neck or ears.
Oh, gods forbid he learns they like being tickled! Not only will he take any excuse to use that against them, he might just do it on a whim!
"Terribly sorry, darling. I was just feeling a little down after our last battle and thought I could use a good laugh... yours, that is~"
Summary: Tav gets a new hat, Astarion decides he wants it.
Characters: Tav(he/him), Astarion
Word Count: 905
A/N: My first writing post and it's ler!Astarion – or should I say, Ler-starion 💀. This Tav is based off my human bard who I've written many (secret) drabbles and fics for in BG3. I will try to post them in the future, maybe save them for a writing challenge? Who knows!
Thank you @atnightiscream for the inspiration you left me on my Astarion headcanon post! This is for you and all the other Ler-starion folks out there! Enjoy!
With another adventure under his belt, Tav retired to his tent to put away his new treasure: a new shiny hat. It was formally a wizard’s hat but had such elegant gold and violet trim speckled with an assortment of tiny, colorful gems that Tav had to take it. This must be a gift from the gods! He thought as he carefully set the hat into his treasure chest. I can’t wait to use it during my next performance!
Smiling proudly, Tav turned around only to be greeted by Astarion. The bard squawked and jumped back, almost tripping over his treasure chest. When did he get here?!
Astarion smirked, “has anyone ever told you that you sound like a crow in heat when you’re frightened?”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a pompous prick?” Tav retorted.
“All the time, darling,” Astarion sighed and made a show of inspecting his nails. “Now if you don’t mind, may I see our spoils from our last encounter? That wizard, as vile as he was, had to have something worth–”
“–you’re not taking the hat, Astarion.” Tav said immediately.
Astarion scoffed, “why would I want that gaudy thing?” Tav knew better. The pale elf was clearly feigning disinterest, he could hear it in his voice…
“Because you’ve already emptied my pockets of all the gold and jewelry we found along with it!” Tav made a show of turning out his pockets, not at all shocked to see that they were empty. “Aha! See?!”
Astarion rolled his eyes, “noticed, did you?” He shook his head. “I must be losing my touch.”
“Don’t forget that I grew up in the Lower City…” Tav pulled out a ring from a pocket on his doublet. “So naturally, I picked up a few things.” He grinned at Astarion. “What’s wrong, darling? Missing something?”
Astarion looked at his own hand, appalled to see one of his rings were missing, the very ring in Tav’s hand. He scowled at the bard, “you’re making this harder than it needs to be, Tav dear.” He then stepped forward, cracking his knuckles. “Hand over the hat and the ring right now and I might be merciful,” he threatened before wiggling his fingers at Tav to show his intentions, grinning with fangs in plain sight.
Tav’s eyes widened, the smugness completely drained from his face. Oh no, not that… “Now Astarion, l-let’s be reasonable about this…” He said, eyes darting around the tent for a way out. If only he hadn’t used the last of his spells that day…
Astarion chuckled. “Reason flew off the table the instant you stole from me, darling.” Without further explanation, Astarion’s hands lunged for Tav.
Tav yelped, tripping over the treasure chest. He was already crawling away as soon as he fell but wasn’t quick enough. Astarion had grabbed his sides, pulling him back along the tent floor so he could straddle him. The poor bard shrieked. “WAIT! ASTARION!” But the nimble rogue had already slide his hands under the bard’s doublet.
“This will teach you to rob me of all people! Your dear friend and confidant: Astarion! Oh, how could you?” Astarion said with no shortage of dramatic flair as he began scribbling wildly all over Tav’s belly and sides.
“Nahahahahaha!” Tav instantly cackled while struggling to push Astarion’s hands out and away with no luck. “A-Astarion! Plehehehease! Stahahahap!”
Astarion clearly ignored him, choosing to squeeze and dig into Tav’s rib cage next, rendering the bard helpless with wheezing laughter. “Mercy! Hahahahave mercy!” Tav pleaded, his face reddening the harder he laughed.
“Only if you swear to give me your hat and my ring back.” Astarion moved to pinch the bard’s sides next and leaned forward with a devious glint in his red eyes. “If you don’t, I’ll summon Karlach. Surely she’d love to give me a hand.”
Tav whimpered and shook his head frantically. No, not Karlach! The last time these two idiots tickled him together, he nearly fainted!
“I swear!” Tav wheezed, “I swear! The hat–it’s yours!”
“And the ring?”
Tav raised the hand that still clutched the ring in his palm, trembling with laughter. “Yes! Gods! P-Pleheheease! No mohohohohore!”
“Oh, all right,” Astarion finally stopped tickling Tav and took back his ring before standing up and off him.
Tav covered his flushed face with his arms and curled up, embarrassed and panting.
“If I were you, I’d hurry it up.” Astarion poked Tav’s side with his boot, making them squeak. “Karlach looked rather bored last I saw.”
That was enough to get Tav scrambling towards his treasure chest, grab the hat and thrust it at Astarion. “Damn you,” he cursed under his breath.
“Ah! That’s better.” The vampire spawn giggled as he set the hat atop his head then turned to pose in front of Tav’s mirror, despite not having a reflection. “How do I look?”
“Like an owlbear’s ass,” Tav replied dryly.
“Save those insults for battle, my dear,” Astarion turned on his heel towards the tent’s exit. “Anyway, don’t you worry your little head, I’ll return it after I’ve had my fun,” he remarked with a wink. As the tent flapped behind Astarion, Tav could hear him call out, “Gale? Oh Gale, darling! Notice anything different about me?”
Tav leaned back against his treasure chest and hung his head. Of course that dirty villain didn’t actually want his hat, he just wanted an excuse to humiliate Tav… again…
