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you dont have to listen to me but I understand your situation with having feelings for someone for a long time. nothing I did to try to get over them worked except for never speaking to them again(by that point our friendship was already suffering). but that's what worked for me bc I'm extreme, just Taking a Break in general and maybe not talk to them for a really long time to get over your feelings will also help. BUT, with your situation of them being in a relationship already you Especially need to back off and really get over your feelings. they are in a relationship. there is no emotional availability there. you are setting yourself up for continuous emotional ruin by not removing yourself from them and also making yourself unavailable to ppl around you who Are emotionally available and would mutually share in happiness with you. believe me, it might hurt to separate yourself at first but from personal experience its for the best. again, apologies for blabbing in your ask box but I hate seeing ppl go thru what I've been thru and not say anything. sorry if I got anything wrong and made a bunch of assumptions and you can ignore this of I'm wrong.

Hey anon, sorry this is being responded so late [this was sent September 25th] and I want to answer this publicly because I think everyone can benefit from this.

This is solid advice. You’re not incorrect in what you say, that staying around for someone who’s already fully invested with someone is just a constant set up for disaster. You’re completely correct to say that staying around only hurts more, especially when my feelings for this person have been around for over 3 years. I want to state here and now for anyone who cares to read this that if you are in a similar one sided crush like this, that moving on is the best solution even if it means removing yourself from their general group range. It sucks because you care about them, but you don’t get decided for someone else how they feel and/or when. You are not above anyone else on how they feel, romantically, affectionately, platonically etc. towards you or anyone else. That’s for them to decide. And if they’re in a relationship, the best thing you could ever do is respect it and allow them the chance to experience it on their own. You’re not their mom, you’re not responsible for them on how they love someone. [if they’re in an actually abusive relationship, that’s an entirely different story and you need to be honest about how and where you get your understanding of someone else’s relationship especially if they’ve never confided in you on the details. Be respectful of their privacy too].

I am fully aware of this, I’ve been aware of this the moment I found out they were taken [Which wasn’t long after I realized my own feelings, a few days after I was sure of them we went out drinking at a gaming bar with a group of friends when one of them told me they were chatting up someone they met and I put my foot down right then and there before I even tried something]. I’ve had numerous conversations with my best friends about this, with the knowledge already written in this post, and I never, EVER planned to ever pursue a relationship with this person. Not only are they taken, but they were a good friend and kind and patient with me as we developed our friend group after high school [we weren’t in the same social circles, only really acquaintances through someone else who isn’t even in our city anymore and we don’t talk to]. They aren’t a love interest to me, they are a very good friend who I trust first and foremost. They are a taken person, who deeply cares for their partner and trusted us, the rest of the friend group, to show the same kindness and appreciation to their partner as well and I’m thankful for that. We care about them both, and we have no plans to ever hurt either.

Yes, I care about this person on an emotional level. But I am fully aware that these feelings need to die out. I’ve had a few times in the last few years where I thought the flame finally died out, only for something they said or did to light it up again. It sucks. And it’s entirely my responsibility on how I act and behave with these feelings. My feelings are valid, they’re real and it’s okay for me to vent and be upset and long for requited affection [especially when 90% of the main friend group is in an established and happy relationship]. What’s not okay is expecting anything to happen or flirting with the person if that’s considered disloyal by them or their partner, of which I have never done so. My feelings are valid, my behaviors are what they must judge. And so far I think I’ve kept it together and kept my hands to myself.

The difficult part of having feelings for a friend that never shut off, is exactly what you said in your message. You need to distance yourself to get over it, and from personal experience that seems to work best! I’ve had relationships in the past, some really bad ones, that I was only able to move on entirely when I didn’t see that person for months or even years at a time. If I could do that with this person I would! But as we are now, big names in the friend group who have already invested certain projects together [co-op games, artistic projects, general conversations, etc] I can’t just leave. I cannot simply step down and ignore the friend, because that would be ignoring our friendship [that has always come first] and my actual entire group of friends. And not only would that hurt the group, but them as well. It’s not fair on them that I suddenly turn around and ditch, it’ll look bad from every angle. And it’s not their responsibility that I happen to catch feelings and am having trouble with releasing them. I know better than to be some home wrecker and impede, that’s shitty and forcing my feelings on others that they never asked for. I also know better than to give him the cold shoulder, that isolates him and treats him badly as well.

At the end of the day, this is a very specific situation and I need to deal with it my own way. I simply need to move on, and redirect my energy from my feelings to something else and hope that eventually it fades away. I hope I can meet someone who can actually be available and care about me how I currently care about this person and more. I deserve that. We all deserve to have people who love and support us, and for those looking for a relationship we deserve them too so long as we are respectful and caring. It’s easier said than done, moving on when I have invested emotions and friendship already and I’m not gonna act all upset that it was a lost cause because again, they are and will always be my friend first. I can only hope I move on and grow as a person without them ever finding out or getting hurt by all this. I owe them that much at least.

One more things anon, and really to anyone out there: this is probably a best case scenario on handing out unsolicited advice because I have the patient to take this in stride and turn it into a post like this. I can’t imagine the feelings of someone else where this could have torn open a healing wound or if my relationship with this person was in any way negative. Please pick and choose your battles when sending a message like this because you have no idea what the person is going through with just a screen between us.

Remember guys, be respectful of others privacy, their relationships and their emotions. You can’t assume what’s behind closed doors unless someone invites you close to it. Relationships will always be a hard topic, but you also have to be ready yourself about it. I’m personally not ready for relationships, despite wanting one. I’m aware I’m not emotionally prepared or responsible enough for one, so that’s why I also need to allow these feelings to pass. But for anyone out there who’s still reading this, thank you for your patient and your time. I hope you have a lovely day, and I hope you have people, family and/or friends who love you as much as you love them. Be safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. <3

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