Listen, I think Enjolras takes spiders outside. I do, I think he hates the idea of killing anything, even if he’s scared of it, so he very very bravely goes and gets a cup and a piece of paper and scoops them up to dump them in the bushes. If (roommates) Combeferre is home, though, he absolutely makes him do it. It’s mostly a very efficient system.
*cut to Courfeyrac, joining a Zoom call with Les Amis. They are greeting him when they notice that there are loud voices in the background.*
“It’s him or me, Alain! Either he goes, or I do! You can’t have us both!”
“Listen, Antoine, it doesn’t have to be this way. Just have some patience, okay, we can work this out—“
“We cannot ! I see how it is! I see how it is! I won’t be treated like this in my own house! No, you’ve made yourself very clear, you’ve made your choice, and it’s not me!—ten years together down the drain, just like that!”
“Antoine, please. Look at me. I don’t understand why you can’t just give him a chance. He’s a part of a vulnerable population—“
“Give him a chance?? I don’t care if he’s an endangered species!! Get him out of my house, Alain, or so help me God I will do it myself, one way or another!”
“Oh, so you hate nature? You hate nature, and minorities, and you want them to suffer—put that down, Antoine. You don’t want to do this. Put it down.”
“Don’t you talk to me like that, Alain. I won’t be disrespected like this in my own house. Give him here, or I’ll do it. I mean that. I really mean that.”
“I absolutely would. Now.”
“Courfeyrac, what the fuck is going on over there? Who is that?”
He just looks so fucking done with everything. Runs a hand down his face and talks through his fingers. “My dearest friends, two of the smartest people I know, being absolute dumbasses.”
There’s a loud thwack from somewhere off screen, and dead silence for a stunned moment. Courfeyrac inhales sharply. “Oh, please no.”
And then the voices again.
“What is happening!?” Joly wails, and everyone looks really worried.
Courfeyrac slowly pans the camera around to reveal Enjolras standing threateningly over Combeferre, sandal in hand, trembling head to toe. Combeferre is hunched over around something in his hands. Both look distraught and enraged.
“Combeferre,” Courfeyrac says loudly. “We’ve had this conversation. Take the spider outside.”
“Alain Beren Combeferre. Take him out. I don’t care how endangered of a species he is. You can bring him to your professor if it’s that important to you. But it has to happen now, or I think Enjolras is going to start crying again. Out.”
You might ask, don’t the amis know each others voices? Which yes, they do, BUT no one has ever heard Combeferre get desperate or raise his voice OR Enjolras hysterical. Yes they both have specific Spider Problem voices which set off Courfeyrac’s radar from anywhere within a mile radius. It doesn’t happen often, but if he’s not there, it’s a whole-ass Thing.
