You know,turns out butches are not scary.
And older lesbians are not unapproachable.
And turns out other lesbians are just people and there is no need to idolize them nor fear them.
After finding my community online I have learned sooo many things that I think once I am out of the closet,I am going to create a blog and document all of my experiences there, cause I think I have a lot to share.
Oh boy, I could even write a whole book and its only a beginning. The best is yet to come.
It will be probably even more interesting when I finally find my community offline as well...
Iet alone dating.. Oh god, I think when I finally start dating, I bet I will find out even more curious and mind blowing things about me,and women of my own species - lesbians, and our lives.
You know, I can't believe that about a year ago it was so different for me. I was lonely and felt abandoned. I can't put it into words how much I suffered and I had noone to talk to. I couldn't even imagine that in a year I will find soooo many new friends even if just online (just yet), although right now I have so many lesbians all over the world that want to meet me and I can't wait to see them in real life😍
The dream of being surrounded by friends who understand me and being open - suddenly has become so real. Its almost as if I can touch it. I am getting closer and closer to my goal. I know that there is still a long journey to overcome, but look at how much I have been through already and what a huge progress I have made!!
And just about a year ago I sincerely thought that butch and gnc lesbians are scary, cool and unattainable, so distant. I keep remembering how I first met a gnc lesbian woman. (Possibly a butch lesbian)I was a 16 year old scared baby lesbian. She was my english teacher. I still sometimes scold myself on and off for acting like a true coward and not being able to look her in the eyes when talking to her, acting dumb because I was too nervous to be around her (It was my first time getting soo close to another woman of my species and she looked so intimidating and beautiful and just plain badass) She KNEW who I was, she recognized me. And that was the most wonderful and the scariest thing in the world for me at the time.
I just coudnt look at her cause when I did, its almost as if she could read me with her eyes...Her smile said it all. Even though I looked like any other straight girl..Maybe its because of how I acted around her? I suppose it was too obvious that I was nervous and hence she figured there was some reason behind this anxiety (its soo cringe😫😓, I only now realise how much of a goof I was and it was so obvious to her probably) or maybe her intuition, gaydar or whatever was the reason why she knew that I was a baby femme lesbian.
She often hinted that we should talk about something...and I always pretended I didnt get it...Cause I was too scared to talk. I remember on her last day of teaching (before she returned back to america) I cried so much after coming home. Cause I knew goddamn well, I missed out on a unique opportunity to have my first lesbian friend and mentor.
I am glad that I was able to learn from this mistake eventually, even tho it took another 3 years. Now I have so many lesbian friends I couldnt even dream of.
And I truly thought that older lesbians are non existent and that they are mean and scary. This year I got to know sooo many, and I have talked to so many of them that it was enough for me to make sure - they are all just wonderful women who are always here to help younger lesbians. They are the backbone of our lesbian community💘 One day I wanna be surrounded by many of them in real life. And I know I will.
I love my lesbian sisters with my whole heart and I wish to every lesbian in this world to find what she is looking for and be happy,surrounded by people who love her and support her💖 I promise to myself, as soon as I get out of my situation, I am going to do my best to make the lives of other lesbians better and happier. I have a tone of ideas about activism, art,business and so much more😈 And I am serious about them.
